While it is true that different sets of FAQ exist for various practical purposes, a study conducted at the non-partisan Karl Marx Treatment Center has shown that if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must look exactly as follows. (It is recommended that action be taken at all public and private institutions to adjust the lists accordingly. Compliance shall be monitored by independent legal observers from the ranks of the ACLU and the National Lawyers Guild.)
How to fight capitalism with Global Warming?
How to fight capitalism with The Coming Ice Age?
How to fight capitalism with Ozone Holes?
How to fight capitalism with Overpopulation Threat?
How to fight capitalism with Diversity?
How to fight capitalism with Solidarity?
How to fight capitalism with Multiculturalism?
How to fight capitalism with Feminism?
How to fight capitalism with Gay and Transgender Movement?
How to fight capitalism with Environmentalism?
How to fight capitalism with Popular Culture?
How to fight capitalism with Lawsuits?
How to fight capitalism with Clever Vernacular?
How to fight capitalism with Anecdotal Evidence?
How to fight capitalism with Labor Unions?
How to fight capitalism with Class Envy?
How to fight capitalism with Taxes?
How to fight capitalism with Movies?
How to fight capitalism with Music?
How to fight capitalism with Peace?
How to fight capitalism with War?
How to fight capitalism with Supporting the Troops
How to fight capitalism with Supporting the Enemy
How to fight capitalism with Racism?
How to fight capitalism with Anti-Racism?
How to fight capitalism with Nationalism?
How to fight capitalism with Internationalism?
How to fight capitalism with High Gas Prices?
How to fight capitalism with Low Gas Prices?
How to fight capitalism with Good Economic News?
How to fight capitalism with Bad Economic News?
How to fight capitalism with College Education?
How to fight capitalism with Kindergarten Education?
39. How to fight capitalism with revisionist history?
40. How to fight capitalism with childrens programming?
41. How to fight capitalism with Tofu Products?
42. How to fight capitalism with The Geneva Convention?
43. How to fight capitalism with Katie Couric?
47. How to fight capitalism with Hollywood?
48. How to fight capitalism with (insert network here)?
49. How to fight capitalism with Islamofascism?
50. How to fight capitalism with Affirmative Action?
51. How to fight capitalism with Abortion?
52. How to fight capitalism with a Kennedy?
56. How to fight capitalism with publik edukation?
57. How to fight capitalism with Che Guevara t-shirts?
58. How to fight capitalism with brainwashing?
59. How to fight capitalism with students?
60. How to fight capitalism with really long lists?
61. How to fight capitalism with illegal aliens?
62. How to fight capitalism with guest workers?
63. How to fight capitalism with cities and churches providing sanctuary to illegal aliens?
64. How to fight capitalism with R.I.N.O.s (especially McLame)?
65. How to fight capitalism with Air Amerika?
66. How to fight capitalism with Medications?
67. How to fight capitalism with Lack of Medications?
68. How to fight capitalism with Mumia Abu Jamal?
69. How to fight capitalism with Tookey Williams?
70. How to fight capitalism with Angela Davis?
71. How to fight capitalism with Leonard Peltier?
72. How to fight capitalism with Hugo Chavez?
73. How to fight capitalism with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?
74. How to fight capitalism with Bicycles?
How true!
In fact, comrade Pravda, I was recently researching Party-approved revolutionary bike trails, meaning to spend my vacation by tracing the steps of various people's heroes on my 5-speed people's bicycle. And I found just what I wanted -
Mountain Bike Tour on the Ho Chin Minh Trail
Explosion from the Past!
Relieve your rich bourgeois guilt and fight capitalism at the same time, for only US$2,220 per person (child prostitutes sold separately)
http://laosadventure.com/ho-chi-minh.htm
NOTE: Medical / evacuation insurance for HCM bike trip is strongly recommended
Departure dates for Ho Chi Minh Trail Cycling Tours 2006-7
1st departure: Thursday, 28 December 2006 - Monday 8 January 2007
2nd departure: Monday, 19 February 2007 - Thursday 1 March 2007
Price: US$2,220 per person
Single Supplement: US$130 per person
75. How to fight capitalism with welfare?
76. How to fight capitalism with Ritalin?
77. How to fight capitalism with organic food?
78. How to fight capitalism with Rubik's cubes?
79. How to fight capitalism with impeachment proceedings?
80. How to fight capitalism with the European Union?
81. How to fight capitalism with the United Nations?
82. How to fight capitalism with Microsoft Windows running on our PCs?
(Windows Greater Good Edition)
83. How to fight capitalism with ipods?
84. How to fight capitalism with unclever vernacular?
85. How to fight capitalism with foreign oil?
86. How to fight capitalism with domestic oil?
87. How to fight capitalism with time share villas
88. How to fight capitalism with an elastic band and two coat hangers
89. How to fight capitalism with a crying drunk girl at a party
90. How to fight capitalism with macaca.
91. How to fight capitalism with Alan Colmes.
92. How to fight capitalism with Coffee Annan (The Cup That Jeers!").
87. How to fight capitalism with time share villas
88. How to fight capitalism with an elastic band and two coat hangers
89. How to fight capitalism with a crying drunk girl at a party
And boy are they common....
They are an untapped resource my Premier - being so numerous is only one part of it. So many are unsure of why they are crying it provides a unique oppurtunity to teach them that crying because someone is wearing the same dress as them is actually expressing anguish for the oppression of the workers and the drowsiness of the masses in creating a worldwide socialist paradise
I also believe that time share villas will help destroy the kulak class of wealthy peasant without the need for expensive and labour intensive mass executions. Not that we shouldnt consider that an option, eh comrades?
Hmmm, I like labor intensive mass executions Comrade Commissar, I really do. Nothing says your a hated disgrace to everything than labor intensive executions. The problem is, its too costly. You have to factor in the shovel, the one cup of grass and mud at meal time, bullets, Guild Guards, dogs, spotlights, barbed fences and the whole production of a show trial. So what does the Party do? Charge memberships and call it a "Fitness Club", Amerikan Collective Fitness Club to be exact. Which brings us to #92
Hmmm, I like labor intensive mass executions Comrade Commissar, I really do. Nothing says your a hated disgrace to everything than labor intensive executions. The problem is, its too costly. You have to factor in the shovel, the one cup of grass and mud at meal time, bullets, Guild Guards, dogs, spotlights, barbed fences and the whole production of a show trial. So what does the Party do? Charge memberships and call it a "Fitness Club", Amerikan Collective Fitness Club to be exact. Which brings us to #92
92. How to fight capitalism with Fitness Clubs.
Your insight is an inspiration Comrade Chairman. If I might comment again on the public execution and your noted concern over resources and cost - might I respectfully suggest perhaps a few amendments?
- To save money on bullets, you simply use the shovel (a good, firm soviet shovel, as used by happy mine workers in the Urals) as the impliment of death, it provides a more intimate and personal end for the victim, and adds to the feeling of satisfaction from the executing soldier - let us not forget these are likely to be friends and members of his own family after all, and another example of the love of the Party in allowing for such a dignified send off even for those who have proved unworthy of such.
- Spotlights, expensive and too often shot out by Amerikan Delta force snipers intent on practising for their next Stephen Seagal movie, can be simply be replaced by the burning corpses of the deceased. It will provide light and warmth for the troops, and encourage a campfire spirit good for the moral of our Troops, weary from their duties.
- Show trials could be a thing of the past if we simply ensure that Comrade Jerry Springer, or her British counterpart Comrade Trisha (it shames me to be from the land that brought the industrial revolution) are utilised to provide much the same purpose, whilst also amalgamating a popular form of entertainment. I would even go so far as to argue that show trials are put to shame in the use of selective evidence and jury (the audience) bias.
Therefore, might I draw your esteemed attention to:
100. How to fight capitalism with Social Security, the most obvious solution since 1935! HAHAHAHA Suckers! You'll never see a dime.....it's all mine, mine, mine!
- Spotlights, expensive and too often shot out by Amerikan Delta force snipers intent on practising for their next Stephen Seagal movie, can be simply be replaced by the burning corpses of the deceased. It will provide light and warmth for the troops, and encourage a campfire spirit good for the moral of our Troops, weary from their duties.
Do these burning bodies project a directional light, or is it just radial?
102. How to fight capitalism with Google
103. How to fight capitalism with YouTube
105. How to fight capitalism with MySpace
106. How to fight capitalism without leaving the comfort of your home
107. How to fight capitalism with maverick Republican Senators
- Spotlights, expensive and too often shot out by Amerikan Delta force snipers intent on practising for their next Stephen Seagal movie, can be simply be replaced by the burning corpses of the deceased. It will provide light and warmth for the troops, and encourage a campfire spirit good for the moral of our Troops, weary from their duties.
Do these burning bodies project a directional light, or is it just radial?
109. How to fight capitalism (HTFC) with an iconoclastic snarl?
110. HTFC with group hugs?
111. HTFC, win friends, and influence people?
112. HTFC by starting your very own socialism-themed punk band?
113. HTFC with poetry that doesn't rhyme?
114. HTFC with your neighbor's $?
115. HTFC and build great abs at the same time?
116. HTFC by sharing needles?
117. HTFC by flying kites?
118. HTFC with poor dental hygeine?
I love fighting capitalism with Big Labor. Thats's one question I never have to ask. I have the answer's!! I live the answer's. Answers to questions like, How to:
Fight capitalism by not going to work
Fight capitalism by letting others do YOUR work for you
Fight capitalism by abusing the Family Medical Leave Act
Fight capitalism by filing a grievence
Fight capitalism by going on strike
Fight capitalism by creating a protest sign
Fight capitalism by becoming a Shop Steward
Fight capitalism through paying dues
Fight capitalism by fighting overtime
Fight capitalism by quelling the desire to run against current union leadership
Fight capitalism by diminishing achievement
Fight capitalism with unearned pay raises
All of these can be found in my upcoming book "How to Work From Home Without Actually Working, and Getting Your Employer to File for Bankruptcy"
I would like to know more about:
Fighting capitalism with a Single Payer Medical System
Fighting capitalism by extending unemployment benefits
Fighting capitalism by spreading misery
Oyez oyez oyez! As the Red head of the Party Legal Regulations Dept., I am required to post the mandatory legal disclaimer FAQs:
How to fight capitalism with judicial activism?
How to fight capitalism with strict construction?
How to fight capitalism with dissent?
How to fight capitalism with a plurality?
How to fight capitalism with a 5-4?
How to fight capitalism with filibusters?
How to fight capitalism with Harriet Myers?
How to fight capitalism with legal disclaimers?
How to fight capitalism with frivolous lawsuits?
How to fight capitalism with a living Constitution?
How to fight capitalism with a dead Constitution?
How to fight capitalism with a vague and amorphous rule?
How to fight capitalism with a bright line rule?
How to fight capitalism with a Terry stop?
How to fight capitalism with Revolution?
How to fight capitalism with Devolution?
How to fight capitalism with the ABA?
Purge ABBA? I would say yes, but how can you purge a progressive song like "Dancing Queen"? If we do, we would be banned from entering San-Francisco, forever.
Not Available in Stores!
Capitalism
As Seen On TV.
Call right now and we will send you not only one roll of clean white toilet paper but a pot to pee in.
Only $19.95
But wait...thats not all!
o We will include a foam circle to avoid indenting your proletariat backside.
o A spray can of new car smell.
o A pack of Marboro's with a full Bic lighter.
How true!
In fact, comrade Pravda, I was recently researching Party-approved revolutionary bike trails, meaning to spend my vacation by tracing the steps of various people's heroes on my 5-speed people's bicycle. And I found just what I wanted -
Mountain Bike Tour on the Ho Chin Minh Trail
Explosion from the Past!
Relieve your rich bourgeois guilt and fight capitalism at the same time, for only US$2,220 per person (child prostitutes sold separately)
http://laosadventure.com/ho-chi-minh.htm
NOTE: Medical / evacuation insurance for HCM bike trip is strongly recommended
Departure dates for Ho Chi Minh Trail Cycling Tours 2006-7
1st departure: Thursday, 28 December 2006 - Monday 8 January 2007
2nd departure: Monday, 19 February 2007 - Thursday 1 March 2007
Price: US$2,220 per person
Single Supplement: US$130 per person
Be careful if you go. I left some of my old booby Traps in place. Stay away from anything named Khe Sanh or Cam Lo or Dong-Ha or Cuaviet or well Viet Nam. (I was pretty busy there for three years)
Power to the troddendown and Huffy workers.
HTFC with George Soros
HTFC with Al Gore and Global Warming
HTFC with Cap and Trade Policy
HTFC with The People's Cube and the Party Line
HTFC with Islamic Science
HTFC with a Klean Konscience
HTFC with One-legged Hookers
HTFC with Greenpeace, Sierra Club and the US Congress
HTFC by Sending All Your Rubles To This Party Member
I think we are forgeting some of the most important ones comrades:
How to fight capitalism with communism
How to fight capitalism with Al Gore
How to fight capitalism with the ACLU
How to fight capitalism with product placements
How to fight capitalism by coming to the US illegally
How to fight capitalism with a stick, some gum and a half eaten sandwich
How to fight capitalism with gene therapy
How to fight capitalism with the sweat on your back
How to fight capitalism by conceiving a hoax (Karakter off)(Were looking straight at you Global Warming)(Karakter on)
How to fight capitalism with a comrade or two.
Ah, comrades, these are very good questions indeed. Let not my name fool you. I am a new and progressive Tsar; one of peace (in gated communities), equality for everyone (else), and global goodwill (boxes). I am a chicken-in-every (one else's )-pot kind of guy. I have the answers to all of these most extremely important questions you have asked about the most extremely important task of all:
Answers to each question are as follows. A good comrade will tatoo them on their (self) righteous breast, backward, so that each morning as the comrade looks in the mirror, they will be reminded of their daily task, each day, another magnanimous acidic erosion on our capitalist enemies.
1. Get Oprah's endorsement.
2. Get Oprah's endorsement.
3. Get Oprah's endorsement.
4. Get Oprah's endorsement.
5. Get Oprah's endorsement.
6. Get Oprah's endorsement.
7. Get Oprah's endorsement.
8. Get Oprah's endorsement.
9. Get Oprah's endorsement.
10. Get Oprah's endorsement.
11. Get Oprah's endorsement.
12. Get Oprah's endorsement.
13. Get Oprah's endorsement.
14. Get Oprah's endorsement.
15. Get Oprah's endorsement.
16. Get Oprah's endorsement.
17. Get Oprah's endorsement.
18. Get Oprah's endorsement.
19. Get Oprah's endorsement.
20. Get Oprah's endorsement.
21. Get Oprah's endorsement.
22. Get Oprah's endorsement.
23. Get Oprah's endorsement.
24. Get Oprah's endorsement.
25. Get Oprah's endorsement.
I will now end this lesson, comrades, for I am a compassionate Czar who understands that all of my brothers and sisters must have an equal opportunity of time to absorb the material. This so that together we may all acheive our goal of stopping capitalism, sharing in the glorious victory as one unified nation who (we) worked selflessly for the good of (us) all.
Further answers will be revealed later. For now, commit this knowledge to memory, dear comrades. Think on it while applying, saying your looking for work, chilling, seeing, taking, eating, sleeping, inhaling, holding it, exhaling, eating, and sleeping. That way, you may be fully prepared to pass this saving wisdom on to your many children who were saved from the ravages of capatalist-caused policies that forced their father's to sleep in school and punished their mother's, who did nothing but try and cheer up their common-law husbands who had been so maliciously and dispassionately exhausted by the oppressive greed of their government.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
