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Craptek: Hero of Social Justice and Wealth Redistribution

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People's Hero Captain Craptek Liberates Bird Food for the Masses in Ferguson
26 November 2014, Ferguson, Missouri (AP) Joining the cause for wealth redistribution in the celebration of Social Justice™ taking place in Ferguson, Missouri, Captain Craptek unselfishly draws attention to the plight of Rodent Americans.

“We're just considered a nuisance to most Americans,” said a passionate Craptek, the odor of beet vodka discernable on his breath, “like we're only fit to be roadkill or something. So when I see a bird feeder, I think, like, you know what? I want some of that, too, so I have a right to take it. It's Social Justice for crying out loud! Power to the Rodents!”

When asked by a FOX News reporter why he didn't just collect his own food and store it away like other squirrels do, an outraged Craptek pelted the reporter with acorns until she was compelled to take cover.

“To want somebody else's bird food is an understandable reaction,” said President Obama. “Heck, it makes me want to loot and set fire to some bird feeders myself. If I had a pet squirrel, he'd look like Captain Craptek. But let's everybody stay calm.”

Following the president's example of calling for peace and calm, animal rights activist Al Sharpton issued a statement, “No matter how unjustly rodents have been treated for centuries, no matter how justified you are in destroying other people's property, no matter how much bird food you're entitled to in your righteous anger, let's not overdo it.”

Craptek was later hospitalized after passing out in the street and being struck in the abdomen by a tear gas canister, but not before becoming a national icon for justice for all species.

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[color=#C0392B]Komissar al-Blogunov[/color] expressed great sorrow, as did I, when he wrote:Craptek was later hospitalized after passing out in the street and being struck in the abdomen by a tear gas canister, but not before becoming a national icon for justice for all species.

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I'm afraid Captain Craptek was injured more severely than originally thought!

He is seeing Cubes™ and he looks goofy!
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Oops! Wrong optics, El presidente! We need his cap and gown picture, or him appearing wholesomely on Sesame Street with a glass of low fat milk. This is just the sort of picture that FOX News will seize on to mislead the public about our gentle rodent.

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I almost ran over Captain Craptek today. Well, he looked just like him so I assume that's who he was.

Fortunately, he saw me coming, turned around, and ran back to safety at the edge of the road. My horror quickly turned to relief.

He is definitely smarter than the dog that I ran over a couple of weeks ago.

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Comrades in Justice,

Thanks for your concern. I'm feeling much better now that they've taken me off life support. Once released, I picked up my award and put it with my nuts for safe keeping. But I got to thinking...why keep it to myself. After all, it's really The People's award, isn't it?

And so, I've been searching for a good spot to locate my Silver Acorn Award. You know, somewhere off the beaten path...out of the limelight. I wouldn't want it to attract attention or anything cause,...well,...all comrades are expected to respond to injustice like I did. Right? So anyway, I had the award enlarged a little bit so people with poor eyesight could see it without straining...wha d' ya think? Not too audacious I hope...

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Now that's more like it. It portrays our hero as kind and benevolent, even sympathetic to the needs of others. It's more of what we want to portray rather than the picture El Presidente found on Craptek's Facebook page (have we purged that page of all the compromising pictures, yet?).

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: Craptek was later hospitalized after passing out in the street and being struck in the abdomen by a tear gas canister, but not before becoming a national icon for justice for all species.
I do not believe a word of it! A mere tear gas canister taking out Craptek? No way. Had to be kryptonite.
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yuri trotynov wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: Craptek was later hospitalized after passing out in the street and being struck in the abdomen by a tear gas canister, but not before becoming a national icon for justice for all species.
I do not believe a word of it! A mere tear gas canister taking out Craptek? No way. Had to be kryptonite.
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That may be why he survived being taken off of life support, that or he was wearing his mithril wife beaters when the canister hit him. But that raises an interesting question: why was Craptek taken off of life support? Who wanted him silenced?

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
yuri trotynov wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: Craptek was later hospitalized after passing out in the street and being struck in the abdomen by a tear gas canister, but not before becoming a national icon for justice for all species.
I do not believe a word of it! A mere tear gas canister taking out Craptek? No way. Had to be kryptonite.
Funny-Squirrels-Funny-Squirrel-Picture-50-FunnyPica.com_-140x140.jpg
That may be why he survived being taken off of life support, that or he was wearing his mithril wife beaters when the canister hit him. But that raises an interesting question: [highlight=#FFFF00]why was Craptek taken off of life support? Who wanted him silenced?[/highlight]

Komissar,

A friendly nurse (I mean really friendly) said that Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel had stopped by to check on me after the accident. He looked me over and told her I was finished - that she should "call the patient" and pull the plug ASAP. I'm sure he meant, "call the ASPCA and see if they'd have a look at me" but you know how rushed things can be in the emergency room.

So, to make a long story short, the nurse said she didn't have the heart to finish me off. I was to cute and fuzzy! So I spent some getting to know all about her...anyway, I finally started feeling much better and jumped to a tree limb near the window and rushed off to collect my award. And here I am!

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So, it was just Zeke checking in to make sure everybody's (else's) healthcare was being properly redistributed. Well, that's a relief. I was concerned that maybe "somebody" wanted you taken care of before publishing her tell-all.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
So, it was just Zeke checking in to make sure everybody's (else's) healthcare was being properly redistributed. Well, that's a relief. I was concerned that maybe [highlight=#ffff00]"somebody" wanted you taken care of before publishing her tell-all.[/highlight]

No, she wouldn't do such a thing to little o'l me. Comrade Putout is my best buddy.

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I'd like to give our dear Captain credit as he's quite polite in reminding people that he's owed 'free' bird seed from all those capitalistic reichwingger pigs.

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[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] was absolutely speaking the truth when he wrote:Comrade Putout is my best buddy.

Lucky for me he's a light eater!
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Oh, I didn't mean Putout. Her loyalty is legendary and exemplary, a good role model for today's Pioneers. I was wondering about the nurse - uh, maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. Dangit! No wonder nobody sees me for marriage counseling.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Oh, I didn't mean Putout. Her loyalty is legendary and exemplary, a good role model for today's Pioneers. I was wondering about the nurse - uh, maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. Dangit! No wonder nobody sees me for marriage counseling.

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An understandable mistake, comrade. The ladies seem drawn to me for some reason - it can be disconcerting at times. Confusing. It's difficult to choose...so many...Oh, well,... The cards were dealt. I accept my fate and must learn to cope - somehow.

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It must be that animal magnetism. No matter how we try to expedite the evolutionary process through an endless process of five year plans to achieve social uniformity, the fact remains that some comrades are more equal in that respect.
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What do you know about Lucy Lion?


 
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