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WASHINGTON, DC - Sometimes a dying person makes a wish before departing. They usually involve other people whom they either bless, curse, or grant a task after their death. A dying wish is considered sacred and must be carried out lest those who take these things lightly be damned, doomed, or denounced.

Beau Biden died on the last day of May this year. We have been able to confirm that his final wish was a task, but since it was related in secret, our sources failed to provide any details. To complicate the matter, Beau didn't communicate his final wish to a government-appointed professional, but selected a private individual to carry out a quest. Sadly, soon after receiving the wish this individual died in a freak accident, so we still need to locate anyone who may have some knowledge of that wish and the task involved.

To this effect, we have contacted several persons of interest: Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Fidel Castro, and Vladimir Putin. Each was asked one question: "What was Beau Biden's dying request?" Each answer was different.

• Joe Biden: "He gave me a task to become President of America."
  
• Hillary Clinton: "Beau was a sweet young man. He wanted me to lead the nation into a future that will bring peace and prosperity. He wanted me to be President of the United States. I am sure Joe will say something entirely different. He is a compulsive liar, unlike me."
  
• Fidel Castro: "Beau's dying wish was that Cuba be repaid for loss of revenue due to United States blockade and give back Guantanamo Bay to Cuba."
  
• Vladimir Putin: "Beau was a big fan of Russia. His wish was absolute. The world must give back to Russia all lost Russian lands, as well as Turkey, as payment for all damages to the Motherland throughout its long history. He specifically mentioned that all outer space also belongs to Russia."

Since none of these statements can be proven false, they must be true. Experts predict an unlimited number of additional truths out there, which we should all treat as genuine until proven false.

Beau must have been channeling Ronald Reagan in the classic film Knute Rockne, who's dying wish, if memory serves, was that if The Party was ever up against it (and it certainly is), that Joe should go out and win one for The Groper... or was it The Gaffer? Either way, it'll make for a very well times and emotionally heart-wrenching movie plot line, if Lifetime can obtain the rights to remake the original dying wish film before Her Inevitableness is Coronated.

Angela Merkel: "He made me promise that Germany would step up to provide a safe homeland for Syrian refugees. What, you think I wanted to do that? But was koente ich tun?"

Francois Hollande: He wanted France to not surrender when Putin takes us over. That won't be easy, but I speak Communiste, so we can always have a dialogue.

Kim Jong Un: Dennis Rodman is permanently barred from the North Korea. Even from heaven, I know Beau could not bear the shame again.

Rush Limbaugh: I had to hire Alec Baldwin as a guest host. Now I can never be sick again.

Xi: I have to pick a Democrat to be President of the United States, again.

Donald Trump: BEAU????!!! THAT HAS-BEEN! HIS POLL NUMBERS ARE WAAAAAY DOWN! I'M GONNA BUILD A WALL!!!!

Pope Francis: I am happy to fulfill the wish of the dying Beau that I forget about the fate of unborn children and instead chastise Americans for being wealthy.

Sir Paul McCartney: I willl start writing silly love songs.

Sir Elton John: Stop pranking me, Vladimir Vladimirovich.

Vladimir Putin: It' wasn't me! I swear!

Sir Michael Jagger: He wanted me to stop rocking. He said I was too old. I told him to f... off.

Queen Elizabeth II: What the hell was I thinking!???

Genghis Khan: I will conquer Mongolia!

Abraham Lincoln: I died before Beau did. Sorry.

Kanye West: Beau said he wouldn't be peaceful in death until I became president. Yo, Hill and Joe, don't diss me, bitches.

Larry King: So he said, "Do this for me Larry..." and I said, "A favor? You're about to ask me a favor! What was the first favor you ever asked? Right after the break, MORE BEAU BIDEN!"

Ernest Hemingway: I went to him. He was dying. I lit a cigarette, and waited. He asked me, "Papa," he said, "please don't write about me." So, I didn't.

Al Sharpton: RACIST!!!!

Michelle Obama: Does this make my butt look big?

Stephen Hawking: My task is to keep rappin'. And I shall. Although my man has let my web page, "MC Hawking's Crib", go.


Gonna kick his ass.

No progressive political campaign would be complete without a propaganda film.