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Polar bears warn: climate scientists in danger of extinction

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Arctic Circle Newsroom - Consensus by a large number of polar bears bear significant results. One scientist about to bury the hatchet at the University of East Anglia wobbled around aimlessly with a hockey stick buried in his skull said, "We can't bear it!"

"...The New York Times has weighed in with a piece entitled ‘Climate Change Denialists Say Polar Bears Are Fine. Scientists with Hockey Sticks and Pucks Are Pushing Back'.

Furry, button-nosed and dependent on sea ice for their survival, polar bears have long been poster animals for climate change. But at a time when established climate science is being questioned at the highest levels of government, climate denialists are turning the charismatic bears to their own uses, capitalizing on their symbolic heft to spread doubts about the threat of global warming.

Yep, the “furry, button-nosed” and “charismatic” are dead giveaways, reported James Delingpole, a former polar bear asserting he is still alive and resents people pointing to his button nose. "This is not an article remotely interested in the actual species Ursus maritimus, wrote Delingpole, "only the fantasy creature that appears in David Attenborough documentaries and the like in order to serve one overriding purpose: to act as the cute, fluffy, white ursine harbinger of man-made climate doom."

The reality is rather different, as Dr Crockford, a Canadian zoologist and polar bear expert, summarized in a recent paper for the Global Warming Policy Foundation.

Its findings are summarized here from the world's leading polar bear expert:

Global polar bear numbers have been stable or risen slightly since 2005, despite the fact that summer sea ice since 2007 hit levels not expected until mid-century: the predicted 67% decline in polar bear numbers did not occur.

Reportedly the pushback from polar bears in response to the bad news from "enviro-scientists" who deny the existence of polar bears and reality caught the attention of Al Gore, awaiting global warming at JFK Airport in Queens, New York. Reportedly, not a single one of these climatologist, or Gore, a former divinity student himself, divined the weather this April. Gore would not put his paws on the matter.

Statistics bear the unbearable truth out: 97% of polar bears aged between 3 and 13 have disagreed with humans bearing witness to the rate of warming in areas none of these experts had ever visited. Asked about invented measurements published by the IPCC, one weather diviner said: "Look, I have an oven thermostat right here in my pocket! It's great on my grill."

Moreover, 97% of polar bears older than 13 also disagreed with the 97% of humans still in a coma at the UN's IPCC and at the University of East Anglia. As a response to the premature rumors of their demise, leaders of the white furry creatures have been giving out condoms to reduce the polar bear population so the global warming predictions can come true in four million years. Or before the polar caps tilt over and capsize when the expanding polar bear population moves to one end.

Veteran reporters Paul Krugman and Tom Friedman of the New York Times, the world's premier experts on everything known to man, and even more than that, admitted to having personally witnessed history since the Big Bang. The two are amassing evidence taken out of each other's nether regions to prove that the world ended last Thursday as a result of rising oceans that flooded Minnesota. Tom added, looking persuasively serious, "Donald Trump is obviously the reason a half billion women have hot flushes - more evidence of warming."

Earlier the entire 300 page dossier of urine-soaked blank pages the same color as polar bears was assembled with rubber bands in a hotel room in Moscow. The dossier represented the consensus of democrats that Global Warming is real, because the slogan was repeated 14 million times making anyone willing to believe anything believe anything.

A photo of Hillary Clinton adorned the dossier's cover with the words: How Donald Trump Caused the Extinction of Polar Bears. In smaller print below the title, the disclaimer: Hillary Clinton did not Pay for this Dossier.

The dossier will be distributed to the media, all of whom were issued Hillary 08 pins and filled-in voter registrations, and to all Democrat congressmen willing to impeach the president because he had sex 12 years ago. Which is, incidentally, as good a reason as any to impeach, including the color of his hair and his successful business and personal life.

Staying focused on anything that pops into their heads other than Russian Collusion and prostitutes peeing in Moscow, Team Mueller referred the prosecution of the Polar Bear "Matter" and people in touch with reality to various state attorneys in the northern states, all of whom are willing to indict the president for the genocide of polar bears and for having made more money than the self-same attorneys could collectively, with a view to having him impeached the latest by November 8, 2016 or January 19th 2024, whichever comes sooner.

Human scientists agreeing to receiving stipends as long as they agree with Al Gore received a formal notice from former vice president.

Gore sent it April 4th while sitting in his plane at New York City's JFK Airport tarmac warming the globe with his jet's engines running for fourteen hours. The aircraft was delayed for the defrosting of its wings that had a foot-thick shell of ice on them. A heavy snowfall descended that day at the airport, a predictable event which has been happening the same day of the year since never.

Gore lectured the reporters from the New York Times on the sin of wasteful carbon energy use as he looked out the window when Paul Krugman asked, "What is going on out there Al, isn't this strange?" Gore replied: "Obviously the freezing sleet you've seen all winter and this Spring is more evidence of imminent global warming. It is happening because Hillary is still not your president, and because there are practically no polar bears left anywhere near the White House since November 8th, 2016. You know who is responsible."

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What's needed here, obviously, is more outreach to the Ursus maritimus community to raise awareness of how the Bush Trump presidency is going to lead to their imminent demise sometime in the past year or so.

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Perhaps a leading cause of climate scientist's impending extinction is due to the fact that they insist on traveling in Polar Bear country armed only with cans of 'bear spray' which Polar Bears say is a delightfully tasty garnish to otherwise bland tasting nylon and fleece covered human flesh.



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What do you find at the intersection of the law, LGBT rights, and climate advocacy? Self immolation, of course.


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Imperatorskiy Pingvin wrote:What do you find at the intersection of the law, LGBT rights, and climate advocacy? Self immolation, of course.



The annual "Toasted Dingbat" award was presented to the smoldering remains of David Buckel, 60, found in Prospect Park in Brooklyn. He would have said, (had he not just committed suicide) "My early death by fossil fuel reflects what we are doing to ourselves." Let us erect a David Buckel statue to mark the spot where he bravely offered his life for Mother Earth. <snif,..snif>

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Captain Craptek wrote: Let us erect a David Buckel statue to mark the spot where he bravely offered his life for Mother Earth. <snif,..snif>
His "eternal flame" monuments have already been erected all over the USSR in advance, as a blanket memorial for all those who burn themselves fighting for the Glorious World of Next Tuesday.

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I'm a little disappointed that the esteemed journalist Kommissar Chernobylski didn't think to contact me for a comment on this story as he was writing it...

Am I becoming irrelevant? Or, perhaps, extinct?

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Kommissar Chernobylski, you said......................

Gore sent it April 4th while sitting in his plane at New York City's JFK Airport tarmac warming the globe with his jet's engines running for fourteen hours. The aircraft was delayed for the defrosting of its wings that had a foot-thick shell of ice on them. A heavy snowfall descended that day at the airport, a predictable event which has been happening the same day of the year since never.


We all know there is no money to be made in solutions, only problems. Let's hope there were no reporters or footage of this tarmac defrosting 'matter' like the LYNCH/CLINTON tarmac 'matter' which was a chapter in 'Clandestine Tarmac Meetings For Seditious Dummies'. In the meantime, we all know the polar bears are living in a ..............................




 
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