The People's Classics
A collection of more equal political satire editorials in no particular order
Flat Fatima - Revolution In News Photography
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Having learned of the growing trend at Reuters, BBC, and other progressive media to doctor photographs, stage events, and use choreographed footage in the best Pallywood traditions, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment center decided to make it even easier for news organization to re-educate their audiences and advance the Greater Good™.
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Fun With Quotes: Interactive Collective Quiz
Warning: some questions are more equal than others, and some answers will make you want to slap yourself upside the head with a shovel.
Historians: Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Was Overreaction
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Europe 's view of the present Israeli offensive against Hezbollah as an "overreaction" and "disproportionate use of force" is rooted in relatively recent history, say progressive researchers. In 1943, Europe itself suffered from a similar Jewish overreaction to some controversial German policies, in an event known as the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, when Zionist radicals attacked the National Socialist German Workers Party that was loved by the German people for its far-reaching educational and social welfare services. In fact, many academics who teach Peace Studies at prestigious universities believe that it was the Zionists' "disproportionate use of force" that had ruined hopes for peace in Europe and caused a humanitarian crisis that could have easily be avoided if only Jews had shown restraint and tolerance towards the democratically elected German government. |
The Socialist Brain of a Liberal Democrat
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As promised in the previous post, Republicanism Linked To Disorder, we have prepared a composite sketch of a healthy Socialist . Naturally it took twice as much time to map it because the of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican . Click on the map to see larger image! |
Republicanism Caused By Disorder, Mutation
 This composite sketch is final, undeniable proof that Republicanism is a direct result of a degenerative mutation. |
Scientists have finally identified a fatal disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies. After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican s for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happen s to a that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment. |
"Offended Muslim Syndrome" Symptoms & Self-Help Groups
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Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam. |
Anthropogenic Continental Drift: An Incoherent Truth
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Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again |
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Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End
 Sharon: "It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct." |
Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week." "My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago." |
Jihadists Against Bag Searches
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?" "They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties... |
Amends for Hiroshima: Congress To Bomb Two U.S. Cities
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In a belated expression of remorse for the nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki sixty years ago, Congress has authorized the Army to launch apologetic nuclear strikes on two American cities. The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state. |
BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!
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By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you! |
ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off
 When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our heads off? |
Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.
In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition... |
New Spirit of Municipal Randomness
Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness|
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Inspired by the success of random bag checks among people entering the New York City subway system, the City has decided to expand the idea of randomness to its other functions. Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves." |
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Most people know that Americans benefit from
But most people lack the training to fully understand why we derive benefits from these policies, and why government control over public anything results in unsurpassable quality (transportation, education, health, etc.). |
To remedy your "knowledge deficit" you can ask us any question you choose, and it will be explained by the legendary Professor Paul Kurgman in a language that you can understand.
From the evils of profiteering, corporatism, and economic exploitation to the rewards of regulation, social justice, and community/stakeholder involvement, Professor Kurgman will use his agile mind to clarify the otherwise intimidating field of economics.
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America Takes Off Gloves, Puts on Brass Knuckles
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The United States has often been called, directly or indirectly, the most brutal, repressive, and rapacious empire ever to place its yoke on the shoulders of humanity. But today, in an alarming policy shift that has the world recoiling in horror, the Bush administration, fed up with its critics, announced that the United States will immediately begin to live up to its unflattering, media-driven image. |
Newspaper Runs Out Of Anti-Bush Headlines
It was only a matter of time before the mainstream media ran out of catchy anti-Bush headlines. Starting with the 2000 elections the US editors appeared to be engaged in a prestigious contest: who would cast the President in the worst possible light. The opportunities seemed unlimited. The headline-writers spent countless nights awash in the pale glow of their
monitors, coming up with one brilliant hook after another. But four years of consistent Bush-bashing have eventually exhausted everyone's vocabulary and imagination. So when George W. Bush was reelected in November of 2004, several pundits sensed that a crisis of creativity would soon plague the media. By the end of the second quarter of this year, the national media hit rock bottom.
"There are only so many words one can string together while remaining impartial and objective - even if it's such fertile topic as our dumb and evil dictator President who is bent on bombing caribou herds into the Stone Age in Alaska...
The Alternative Secret History of the World
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On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776. Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created. |
In related Earth Day news:The picture above, taken off the government website EarthDay.gov, documents the punishment that a coalition of progressive activists imposed on the neo-imperialistic criminal George Bush as part of International Earth Day celebration April 22nd.
Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press |
Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum. His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window. |
US Military To Use Democrat Attack Strategies In Iraq
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BAGHDAD - The recent gains by US military in Iraq appear to be the result of a new approach that copies attack strategies used by the Democrats against Republicans in Washington. "Relentless, unprovoked, ungrounded, and indiscriminate attacks for the sake of attacking - whoever, whatever, whenever - have sent the enemy cowering into the deepest holes, immobilized with panic and despair. Impressed by such a resounding success, the Pentagon is now trying to adapt the same strategy to fight insurgency in Iraq," U.S. Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Friday. |
Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!
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It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive. |
Global Warming Vodka: Cheap Alternative Solution
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Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites: Corn ethanol based |
Rush Limbaugh Discovers Tomb of Rugged Individual
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On the heels of James Cameron's discovery of a tomb with the remains of Jesus came an announcement by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh that he had discovered a coffin with the remains of another historical character that many social scientists consider a mythical creature - the Rugged Individual. But while Mr. Cameron's findings strike at the heart of the basic tenets of Christianity, Mr. Limbaugh's discovery is meant to strike at the very heart of progressive faith that denies the existence of a self-sufficient Individual who can survive without the government handouts, regulations, and oversight. |
Borat And Iranian President A TV Spoof?
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REVISITING BORAT It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism." Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!" |
Al Gore's Oscar/Nobel Acceptance Speech (Draft)
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The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech: |
One Man's Reuters Is Another Man's Al-Jazeera
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Who hasn't heard that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" - a relatively moral axiom employed by Reuters and other progressive news agencies? Very few, however, realize that it was modeled on an earlier idiom - "one man's trash is another man's treasure" - which, being a legitimate pearl of people's wisdom, lends some of its gloss to Reuters' counterfeit product. We like to call it "truth by association": if it sounds like what we believe is true, it probably is true. The propaganda value of this logical device cannot be overstated - but it must be handled with caution, lest someone writes: "one man's Reuters is another man's Party organ" or "one man's head is another man's hole in the ground." That's why, as a public service, we are offering an exercise designed to teach the masses to generate quality "truths" in bulk and on the fly, without thinking. One man's truth is another man's invention, everything is a matter of opinion, and one man's opinion is another man's truth. |
Hillary's Presidential Message (Reading Btwn The Lines)
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Colleges to Allow Terrorist Recruiters on Campus
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Since the initially successful effort by academia to ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime. The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries. |
Democrats Push For New Iraq Strategy: Care Bears™
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Capitalizing on the enormous success achieved by Democrats with the display of children at the inauguration ceremony, the new leaders are proposing to take this strategy even further and manage the situation in Iraq with the help of Care Bears™. WASHINGTON, Jan. 6 - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to President Bush urging him to reject any plan that could potentially result in a military victory in Iraq. The leaders warned that a surge in troop levels might further antagonize al-Qaeda's already-overtaxed fighters, and cited the dangers of U.S. victory to the future of the Democratic Party, liberal media, and world's progress towards socialism. |
Wedding Bells & Whistles (Literally Wedding Them)
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Under pressure from New Jersey's highest court to offer marriage or its equivalent to multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and associations, the state Legislature voted last week to make New Jersey the third state to allow civil unions. "This is a huge step towards progress," says M.S. Punchenko, who has been waiting more than four years to enter into an official legal relationship with a toaster named Helen<3, his long-time life partner and a registered Democrat. "If I could get my toaster registered to vote for Robert Menendez in midterm elections, she might as well be entitled to my health insurance, inheritance, and adoption rights," Punchenko says. |
Latino Groups Praise Taco Bell For E. Coli
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Activists of several Latino advocacy groups hailed the recent E. coli outbreaks at Taco Bell restaurants as "the biggest success yet in reclaiming Aztlan culture on the territories occupied by the American invaders." Groups as La Raza, MEChA, Organization for the Liberation of Aztlan, and other advocates for the restoration of a legendary Chicano country called Aztlan, are celebrating victory. "Mexican people across North America can finally get fast food just like back home," said Margarita Cagada, executive director of the New Jersey state chapter of La Raza. "On behalf of all Hispanics everywhere, La Raza praises Taco Bell for its loyalty to diversity and the promotion of Chicanismo within the community." |
Muslim-Friendly TV Line-up & Permissible Music
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Once the Democrats take charge in January, bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to Sharia Law pretty quick. It will not be voluntary - but it can be made smooth and painless with the use of re-educational TV programming. The American masses won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't notice the transition to socialist values in the past, due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up: |
The New Progressive Bible
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Thanksgiving With A Space Alien
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Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all. His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization. |
Free Bryan Hathaway!
 SIGN THE PETITION! |
Let's face it - a caring and loving relationship with a consenting dead animal on the side of the road is a constitutional right of every American regardless of ethnic, religious, or economic background. Bryan James Hathaway is a young minority activist from Wisconsin who has been on the forefront of progressive struggle for the liberation of inanimate objects, plants, animals, and household appliances. His selfless devotion to fighting speciism and necrophobia in our society has led him to be brutally persecuted, tortured, and incarcerated - all for a laughable "crime" of "sexual gratification with a dead deer on the side of the road." As if his prior conviction of "horsing around" had not been enough, the bigoted ruling class is once again making him the whipping boy of their own suppressed anxieties, fantasies, and desires. |
Michael Moore's Pledge - Revised and Improved
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Our radicals are radical not because they feed on subtleties! They take things at face value. If you say "war for oil" they see US troops breaking into the homes of poor Iraqis, grabbing barrels of oil from their shaky hands, and selling them at $54 a piece to sleazy Halliburton executives waiting outside. Our radicals judge the contents by looking at the surface - and asking their Inner Comrades how good it makes them feel about themselves. It is both their strength and their weakness, which the Party has learned to exploit for the Greater Good™. |
Purported Democrat Tape Vows To Continue Jihad
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WASHINGTON, DC (TPC) -- A purported audio recording by a Democrat chieftain vows to step up the group's fight against the GOP, saying, "We haven't had enough of your blood yet." The 20-minute recording was posted Friday on a Web site used by Democratic activists and the speaker is identified as Nancy Pelosi, who takes over leadership of the US Congress after Dennis Hastert resigns in January. Calling President Bush a "lame duck" the speaker tells Bush not to "run away as your lame defense secretary ran away," referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who resigned Wednesday. |
BBC Adopts Sharia Policies, Stones Gay Staff
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The BBC has recently come out of the closet, admitting that its executives, reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being insensitive to their anti-gay cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts. |
Apple Mecca: Open Letter to Radical Muslim Politburo
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Dear radical Muslim comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could ever have in the great patriotic war against American Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship, even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate insult to Islam (because it resembles your big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane, it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how good allies treat one another. Yes, our cube-shaped Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it must have regular stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary conditions. |
| New Posters, More Visual Propaganda click here >> |
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Polish Comrades Modify The People's Cube To Their Needs
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Our site has received an angry letter from Poland complaining about the unnecessary complexity of the People's Cube puzzle. "Despite your claim that this 'ultimate egalitarian tool' guarantees equal outcome for all players, after two weeks of strenuous efforts we gave up resolving the puzzle," the letter states, concluding that "something must be fundamentally wrong with the puzzle itself." The letter, signed by Slawomir Sierakowski, editor-in-chief of the Polish "Krytyka Polityczna", organ of the progressive wing of the Communist Party of Poland, indignantly criticizes us for misleading the masses into a "sinister bourgeois trap" of believing in a "competition with a human face." |
Byzantine Emperor Apologizes to Muslims For Quote
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In the view of some historians, the Pope's recent apology to enraged Muslims over use of a quote written by Manuel II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a striking similarity with a similar apology delivered more than 600 years ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself to offended Muslim armies after they ransacked his Christian country, converted its citizens to Islam, and beheaded or enslaved those who resisted the forced conversions. In a public speech made shortly after the quote first appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II apologized to the Islamic community that besieged his controversial "Byzantine entity." |
Prominent Muslims: Why Do They Hate Us?
by Dr. Salima al-Kurgman Muslims protesters: "Is it because we didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because our lousy plastic recycling program?" |
Ever since the confrontation between the West and Islam began, the question "Why do they hate us?" has been topping the Frequently Asked Questions charts among Western leaders and intellectuals, tormenting minds and souls of the Western populace prone to introspection. Considering the magnitude of the problem, we have assumed that the same question similarly torments the minds of prominent Muslims in the lands of Islam. And indeed, our special Bridge-Building survey has determined that from Saudi Arabia to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls of the prestigious Islamic universities and government palaces, prominent Muslims are asking the same questions: "Why us? Why the terror alert system? Why security checks at airports?" |
NEW SECTION: FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
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While it is true that different sets of FAQ exist for various practical purposes, a study conducted at the non-partisan Karl Marx Treatment Center has shown that if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must look exactly as follows. (It is recommended that action be taken at all public and private institutions to adjust the lists accordingly. Compliance shall be monitored by independent legal observers from the ranks of the ACLU and the National Lawyers Guild.) |
McCartney Apologizes For 9/11 Song "Freedom"
 Songwriter in 'ongoing self-criticism' after apprehension on suspicion of pro-Americanism |
New York -- Giving in to public pressure, singer and composer Paul McCartney issued a statement on Monday, apologizing to the progressive artistic community for his "pro-American lyrics and compulsive right-wing behavior" in the days immediately following the 9/11 attacks in New York City, when he organized Concert For New York and performed the "ill-conceived" patriotic song called Freedom. "I don't know what came over me," says McCartney, 64, who was widely criticized by peace activists as a "pro-war Beatle" for writing and singing a jingoistic tune containing such lines as "I will fight for the right to live in freedom. " In his statement, McCartney acknowledges that he had been experiencing "right-wing sentiments" for several weeks following 9/11. "Please know from my heart that I am not a patriot. I am not a even an American," he said. |
Khatami In Harvard: Mullahs and Liberals Not That Different!
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While former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's visit to the land of The Great Satan is welcomed by all progressive sleeper cells inside this country, his message of tolerance and moderation has become an object of vicious attacks from such hate groups as the Episcopal Church, the Jewish Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney's office. The controversy is largely fueled by Mullah Khatami's planned visits to Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia University, and the University of Virginia for a round of introspective talks and consultations aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. The former Iranian leader is also expected to share his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity for the Greater Good™. |
The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition...
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Hezbo-Laa-Laa: Cute Little Terrortubby
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In an effort to finalize the portrayal of Hezbollah as a benevolent band of misunderstood peasant warriors, and to foster acceptance of other cultures, the BBC retooled its cutest Teletubby character named Laa-laa into Hezbo-Laa-Laa. Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana with the motto "From cradle to grave" written in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled nails and rat poison, this cute and cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show European and American kids that beyond its desire to exterminate the Jew, Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate that will tend to your social needs through a strong presence in the big, generous government! |
Conflict in The Middle East: A Progressive History
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From the beginning of time, there was a place called "Palestine" which was inhabited exclusively by the biggest gift to humankind: Palestinians. Their culture flourished, their peaceful people prospered, and their model nation was to become the jewel of the world. Their language was Arabic, their religion was Muslim (pronounced "MOOZ-lem"), but regrettably, all evidence of their governments, their currency, their laws, their scientific, technological, philosophical, and
artistic accomplishments were destroyed. By whom? Keep reading. |
NY Times Reporter Body Armor Vulnerability Analysis
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Earlier this year the New York Times courageously exposed vulnerabilities of US body armor, accompanying the story with a controversial diagram and a leaked Pentagon paper in a PDF file, identifying the best areas to shoot at. Today the Pentagon responded by releasing a diagram that details vulnerabilities of the New York Times journalists, which analysts predict is about to become the focus of a new media fury. "The Pentagon released the results of their secret research despite our strongest objections," said Bill Keller, the executive editor of The Times, in an urgent statement. "It can seriously damage our ability to gather and publish information that is harmful to the United States." |
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The New York Times Shows Bush Who's The Boss
The Bush administration and The New York Times are again at odds over national security, this time with new exposures of the administration's immoral attempts to protect imperialist America from heroic Islamic freedom fighters. In today's issue the fearless NYT showed the world how the militaristic US government was co-opting major capitalist financial institutions to track global financial transfers. The message this sends is clear - give up, George Bush! Protecting America is a useless task when you face the glorious destructive force of progressive media! America must be destroyed! It is a historical inevitability whose time has come! |
New Democrat Strategy: Everybody Must Cut And Run
 Murtha: To cut and run is every American's right and patriotic duty |
Encouraged by the media success of their "Bring the troops home before the job is done" campaign, Democrat leadership decided to expand this strategy to other groups of society. The new "Cut and Run For America" campaign to send everybody home before the job is done will first be tested on government employees - teachers, doctors, police, firefighters - and later cover the rest of the population. "Americans need to stop trying," explained the new compassionate strategy Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). "We deeply believe that most people in this country would like to stay low, stop thinking, stop fending for themselves, and just live off government handouts." |
Homeless Depot: A Moral Alternative
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Home Depot, the nation's largest home-improvement chain, was accused in a Federal lawsuit today of discriminating against the homeless. "The very existence of Home Depot is offensive to the sensitivities of people without homes," says Nadine Strossen, head of the ACLU who filed the case, adding that the word "home" itself smacks of racism, bigotry, and intolerance and thus should be treated as hate speech. The suit seeks unspecified damages on behalf of seven homeless people, some of them of color, squatting in an abandoned building next to the Home Depot parking lot in the Coney Island area of New York. |
Al Zarqawi: Advancing Progress No More
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Another leader of social progress has been murdered by American war criminals today. The Left lost a prominent comrade who helped us fight US imperialism at home and abroad. Every glorious beheading and school bus explosion he committed was cherished by human rights activists as another proof of the cynical nature of the Bush administration. RECOMMENDED HEADLINES
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Lenin Awards N.J. Mayor With Eminent Domain Medal
 Lenin endorses a communist haven in New Jersey |
Eminent domain expropriations are sweeping the American motherland like a red tide of Socialism raised by the increasing gravitational pool of Marxist thought. The Mayor of Piscataway, New Jersey, has recently seized the last remaining farm in the area in order to turn it into an empty space - the epitome of Socialist improvement, a.k.a. the Greater Good™. Upon hearing that the kulaks and other greedy bourgeois property owners of New Jersey are being liquidated as a class, Lenin resurrected from his Mausoleum - again - to help the revolutionary US peasants confiscate capitalist property and redistribute the bourgeois wealth. Step one: find the heroic Democrat Mayor of Piscataway and present him with People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation. |
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People's Karaoke: Star-Spangled Bandido
Yet another version by Professor Palimpsest |
Ole'! We will sneak, |
Who Are They?
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They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat... WHO ARE THEY? |
Jorge Washingntonez Crosses The Rio Grande
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The flag-waving U.S. traditionalists suffered yet another setback in the so-called "culture wars" last week, when a group of recording artists announced that they had produced a new Spanish-language version of "Star-Spangled Banner." Loosely based on the original's lyrics and much more progressive in message, the revised national anthem is part of a larger wave of similar "reinventions" that is breaking across the fruited plain, washing away the wilted "cultural crops" of the bourgeoisie, and sowing something new and vibrant in their place. |
Kids-4-Gas: Trade Your Nagging Brat For A Full Tank
 Abu Salim, Exxon station manager: "Moms have no problem dumping off one of their kids in return for a month of fill ups." |
LOS ANGELES -- Since local gas stations began accepting children as payment for a month's worth of gas last Saturday, thousands of enthusiastic moms have already dumped off their annoying kids at the pump and took off to the mall with tanks full of gas. The new Kids-4-Gas program, successfully introduced by LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, is meant to ease the burden on poor families while simultaneously fix most logistical problems related to overpopulation. "With gas prices higher than Beverley Hills heroin addicts, it is our duty as Democrats and good citizens, to help the poor get by another day without having to work harder," says Los Angeles Mayor. "Anything is better than drilling for more oil in Alaska." |
Skools: Insider's View of the Revolution
Real pictures taken by a real student at Marilla Carillo High School in Santa Rosa, Ca. (at the corner of Calistoga Rd., and Montecito Blvd.)Written and photographed by Comrade Betty, a bona fide student of that school
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I am your average revolutionary public skool student who dreams of living in equality with everyone else in Amerika - never worrying about finding a job, or advancing my career, or being fired - just like the French. I owe much of my aspirations to my teachers who have enlightened me and shown me the way to the glorious servitude of communism. The best part of it is that it requires absolutely no thinking. Who needs thinking if the entire universe has already been revealed to me, conveniently sliced and packaged, in my teachers' easy, educational bumper stickers? Memorize them all - and you're ready for adulthood. I even took some pictures to share with you - and also to keep them with me after I leave skool, because if I forget what they said I'll be left without any moral guidance, and that's scary. |
April 15th Is Near! Have You Claimed Your Penguin As Your Dependent?
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This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species. |
Marxism Coffee: Smell The Revolution!
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When a commissar knocks on your door at 3:00 in the morning and you need to get ready for a long boxcar trip to Siberia, nothing will wake you up better than a hot cup of strong Marxism Coffee! Engrish.com that published this image points at "humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." This coffee mix from a Korean shop in China, however, is neither humorous nor is it a mistake. We at the People's Cube have been using Marxism Coffee Mix while writing our materials since the site's inception. Now, would you also like to see the other side of the package? |
Immigration A Class Struggle; Assimilation A Thoughtcrime
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There are many excellent ways for us to destroy capitalist America - and progressive immigration policies are among the best ones. The key word is progressive. The traditional, non-progressive immigration of bourgeois wannabes and capitalist bootlickers will only strengthen this last refuge of world capitalism - just like traditional education, media, and economic policies will make it stronger. Only progressive immigration, education, media, and economics will help us achieve the cherished goal of America's demise. |
Islamic People's Fools Day
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The Party frowns on political humor and satire unless it (1) help advance class struggle (ridicule the enemy and reveal the follies of capitalism; and (2) help the masses resist oppression while raising awareness (see Doonesbury, Jon Steward, etc.). While joking, one must always err on the side on caution - for "humor" is, by its nature, connected to the archaic bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox thinking." Humor is often indistinguishable from lies - and we know that the concept of lies was invented by the ruling class of oppressors as a tool to deceive and exploit the oppressed (see Karl Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses"). |
Latte Revolution Video: Decadent Drink Weakens Resolve Of The Masses
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All corporations are evil, but some are less evil than others. That's what these protesters had to be thinking when they gathered in droves at Starbucks to drink decadent lattes during the anti-war, anti-corporate, anti-capitalist, and anti-American protest at Washington, DC on March 18, 2006 to mark the 3rd anniversary of |
Lenin Beats Up Protesters In Belarus Capital
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We can tell you privately on condition of absolute confidentiality that Comrade Lenin is currently traveling in Belarus collecting information on the successes of building communism in this last Soviet stronghold of proletarian dictatorship. Judging by this news, progress is being made every day as more enemies of the people are getting arrested. Remember - the fewer people remain at large, the larger slice of the common cake
the remaining ones will get. This alone is a good incentive to denounce counter-revolutionary neighbors and colleagues. |
Google Purges The People's Cube Worldwide
Open letter #2 to Google from the People's Cube
(posted on Google.com Help Center at 8:30pm on March 10, 2006
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Dear comrades at Google: At some point, quite recently, our popular site "The People's Cube" (ThePeoplesCube.com) was purged from Google search results. MSN , Yahoo and other search engines still have it - but Google has erased/blocked any link to the site in its database. One can still find links to us from other sites - but not even one from Google to ThePeoplesCube.com. We tried American, French, German, British, Australian, and Russian versions of Google - they used to give us traffic only a few days ago - but all we got was the same line in various languages... |
Case Of Backward Evolution: New Hope For Democrats
 Scientists: If your mouth is already on the floor, you have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over |
Progressive researchers and politicians alike are encouraged by last month's discovery of a genetic mutation that reverses human evolution to its starting point. Those affected by the Backward Evolution Syndrome (BES) walk on all fours and speak a primitive language. The mutation that has afflicted a family in Turkey has stripped them of the genes that let humans walk upright, returning them to the pre-human state of quadrupedalism, or four-limbed walking. Many scientists hope that BES will reveal the secrets of human origins. But researchers at the Karl Marx Treatment Center see it as an exciting opportunity to correct human evolution, which has gone terribly wrong. "Humankind has made a wrong turn somewhere in its development," says the Center's Chief Scientist Dr. Fuku. "It has evolved individualism, greed, competition, and private property. Ever wondered why socialism never worked anywhere it's been tried? Bad genes." |
Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town
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We are starting a new section for children - Hammer & Popsickle - where the nation's young ones can get indoctrinated, in an entertaining and subliminal manner, about the romanticism of class struggle and the evils of capitalism. Our first installment explains why Iran has the right to build nuclear weapons in order to wipe two illegitimate entities, Israel and the United States, off the face of the Earth. Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town is a sing-along version of the famous carol (with a great rendition playing on the background). The Islamic Republic of Iran's governing council of mullahs and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also believe in Santa Claus - only in their Shi'ite creed Santa is called the 12th Imam, known as the Mahdi.... |
Angry Muslims Protest Bush-Hitler Comparisons
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Muslim protests erupted worldwide this week after a high school teacher in Colorado compared Bush to Hitler. "It is a crime in Sharia law to insult Hitler (PBUH)!" stated Abdul Ali Aziz in a Muslim street interview. "We have been listening to this kind of blasphemy from the Left ever since the Zionist puppet Bush got elected. The infidel teacher must be tortured and beheaded!" Rage against the besmirching of Adolf Hitler's name poured out across the Muslim world on Saturday, with aggrieved believers calling for the execution of those involved, storming buildings, and setting European and American flags afire. |
Int'l Left Takes Over: No 45-Day Postponement
 Castro and Chavez contemplate a takeover of yet another Hollywood studio |
The uproar over major US seaports falling into the hands of an Arab-owned company has eclipsed a strikingly similar story of major US news outlets, Hollywood, academia, and the Democratic Party itself falling into the hands of International Left groups run by foreign nationals and even hostile governments, e.g., Cuba and Venezuela. "Even the names of main acting figures are the same," complains Dubai Ports World Senior Vice President Michael Moore. "Unlike the DPW deal, however, the DP deal, and the MSM deal, and the Hollywood deal aren't subject to the same scrutiny and aren't going to be delayed by 45 days - even though they pose a much greater threat to national security than our shipping firm," Mr. Michael Moore said. |
Is Cheney the Lone Gunman?
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All we want to know is this:
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Bush Finds Cheap, Non-Addictive Energy Source
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Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States. The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power. As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive. |
Bin Laden's New Tape Narrated From The Astral
An Interview With Bin Laden's Personal Psychic
 "I made bin Laden's audio recording and passed it on to a friend at the DNC," says Miss Courvoisier, psychic worker of Brooklyn, New York |
So is Osama bin Laden dead or alive? On January 19, 2006, Al-Jazeera provided another clue, airing a new audiotape purportedly from bin Laden, who offered the U.S. a truce, while also threatening to strike again. CIA experts have confirmed the authenticity of bin Laden's voice, but they didn't elaborate about why the al Qaeda leader had switched from videos of himself to audio. Al-Jazeera's spokesman offered no explanation either, claiming the tape had come from the same source as all previous bin Laden statements. Looking for answers, The People's Cube went straight to the source. |
Gangsta-Culture Sensitivity Training In New York
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After learning that New York City police officers have been receiving Islamic-culture training, the Big Apple's largest street communities, the Bloods and the Crips, criticized the NYPD and Mayor Bloomberg for discriminating against the gangsta people. Furious gangsta community leaders demanded that a similar sensitivity training program be created to educate law enforcement members about the intricacies of "gangsta-culture," with its vibrant rituals, traditions, and etiquette. |
Iraqi Group Demands Withdrawal of Western Moonbats
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In an unprecedented twist following the Iraqi elections, a newly formed Iraqi resistance group calling itself "Swords of Democracy" has demanded that all Western left-wing journalists and anti-war activists currently in Iraq must cease their activities, leave the country within 24 hours, and stop their incessant anti-American propaganda, or else. The news came shortly after FoxNews Channel broadcast a statement by a 77 years old Iraqi voter, who exclaimed, "Anybody who doesn't appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell." The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams. |
Socialized Healthcare: No Drugs For The Useless!
A foreign report from Dr. Fuku, on assignment in Europe
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"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our Cities? As usual, the Europeans have been leading the way... |
Radical Islam Surrenders to Progressivism
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The War on Terror has entered a new successful stage once the US field commanders began to force the enemy units to comply with the same government-imposed rules and restrictions that the US Army increasingly faces on a daily basis. One man, identified only as a "Soldier for Allah" explained, "We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called 'Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions' where they lectured us on matters such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural Identity." and "Environmental Racism." Even in Saddam's prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!" |
Muslim Riots Spread to Amish, Hare Krishnas, Jews, Others
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The French Muslim riots, caused by an uncontrollable reaction to poverty, racism, and a profound sense of alienation from the larger society, have recently inspired some American groups who share very similar grievances, to use mass violence as a means of gaining recognition and respect. As low income also immediately translates into uncontrollable violence, the first American neighborhoods to start rioting were the Chinatowns. Realizing that Chinatowns are among the poorest parts of the country, community leaders have encouraged the use of violence to raise the material wealth -- and self-esteem -- of the residents. |
Hare Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks and dissing while working our asses off at major airports for little or no pay. Enough is enough! We demand state-enforced conversions and equal redistribution of faith and donations!"
ACLU and al Qaeda: Possible Split?
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Rumors of a possible split between leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been fueled by an increased chatter level over the past few weeks, as follows from these interoffice memos obtained by our field operative at ACLU headquarters, in New York. * * * Dear Sir: |
E-indictments
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E-indictments are sweeping the nation! Criminalize your neighbor, spouse, boss, co-worker, or a mere stranger with E-indictments! Most cards are free, some are reserved for Party members only. Every card sent helps eliminate an enemy of the people. Note: cats, dogs, and most barn animals cannot be indicted. To have a public enemy of your choice indicted you must first give a contribution to the Democratic Party campaign. Terms of confinement may vary. Not valid in all Red States. |
God Yields to Angry Left, Distributes Disasters Equitably
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"The vigorous campaign led by human rights groups accusing God of favoritism towards Western countries and of unfair distribution of natural disasters that targeted minorities has caused God to reconsider His ways," God's spokesman announced yesterday at a press-conference held by an international clergy group representing Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions. "This summer's unusual flooding in Europe and two devastating hurricanes in the USA serve as a proof of God's reconstructed, more equitable, and politically correct approach to weather patterns," the spokesman said... |
Cafepress.com Censors The People's Cube
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I understand and respect the copyright law, but did I really violate it? Here's my letter to Cafepress. Dear Content Usage Associate, A picture of a hairy skull in a beret that I drew myself as an artist can not be an infringement of anyone's copyright. I assure you it isn't even Che Guevara's skull... |
Let's Do Imperialism Right
$.$. Halliburton's simple plan to continue Imperialism apace, strengthen Capitalist class at the expense of the oppressed, ensure its political hegemony, and put a damn pretty penny in each and every one of his bank accounts. As every right-wing fascist knows, democracy is cumbersome and inefficient. Try to get something accomplished and you find yourself butting heads with every unwashed, uncouth commoner who has no conception of what's good for Class, Empire and the world... |
Utopia Bay Beach Resort: Paradise for Weary Activists
Are you a professional radical activist? Has your rigorous schedule of anti-war and anti-capitalism rallies left you exhausted? Perhaps you're beginning to feel more like a programmed automaton than a free-thinking human being? Are slogans like "No blood for oil" starting to seem a bit inane and trite? If so, you could be suffering from Protest Fatigue Syndrome (PFS), a common malady among full-time malcontents. |
Attention progressive, socialist, liberal, pacifist, anarchist, feminist, or environmentalist debaters! Whether you are fighting class enemy over the Internet, in school, or at your parent's house over dinner, this tool is for you. No more awkward mumbling or looking for the right word! Just enter your ideological opponent's name and generate a Progressive Truth that will render your enemies speechless!
| The People's Research Institute (PRI) has found a way of stopping right-wing ideology in America and ending our losses at the ballot box: we need to face our opponent's "facts" and "logic" by learning how to frame the debate. The Progressive Truth GeneratorT will help you to set the terms of debate on issues in your favor and quickly terminate all discussion! |  |
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This research is ongoing. We encourage you to submit your favorite debate framing elements for the following groups: "adjectives," "nouns," and "'because' statements" here >>
Mother Moonbat: The Movie. Don't miss It!!!
 We are proud to present our first video production. |
On Sunday, Sept. 18th, when a huge full moon shone over the city and miasmic odors oozed quite appropriately from disturbed sewage systems, Cindy Sheehan's bus stopped at Lafayette Ave. Presbyterian Church in Brooklyn, letting out a small pack of moonbats. Out trusty camera captured the event in a night-vision mode, complete with the sermon and a short interview with Mother Moonbat herself. She was apprehensive at first, but when we said we represented a socialist Karl Marx Treatment Center, she smiled and relaxed... |
America Strikes Back At The Environment
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As Americans are trying to come to grips with nature's attack on the Gulf Coast, reports are growing about an increased level of hate crimes against environment in US cities and rural areas. In Georgia, a man was arrested for screaming environmental slurs at the passing clouds and threatening them with a shotgun, while in other areas local residents were seen "accidentally" ramming trees, rocks, and flowery hedges with their cars, trucks, and SUVs. No warm fuzzy feelings remain towards the environment in the states of Mississippi and Louisiana. A couple driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "Nature Lovers" were dragged out of the vehicle and beaten with sticks by a gang of angry neighbors. |
Global Warming: Alaska Needs More Air Conditioners
 Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day. |
Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism. "Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!" |
Iran Nuke Destroys Cleveland, Nobody Cares
 Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city." |
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things. "Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?" In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce..." |
Neocons Imprison Mick Jagger Without Trial
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In an unabashed show of Neocon power, the Bush administration dragged the legendary Rolling Stones' lead singer Mick Jagger off the stage and threw him in prison without trial. It happened Sunday night in front of 36,000 Stones' fans, as the musicians were getting ready to kick off their latest tour with a concert in Boston's Fenway Park. Upon witnessing the arrest, the fans quietly went home in groups of not more than three, content in their knowledge that Jagger was right and not simply running his big mouth when he sang the new song My Sweet Neocon:
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Chairman Dean's Message: Turn Up Volume
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A careful analysis of today's political scene shows that people are not hearing the Democrat Party's message. "Our message is right there, people just aren't hearing it," says the Party Chairman Dr. Howard Dean. "It's in our speeches, political ads, sympathetic radio and TV programming, friendly newspaper publications, progressive blogging, and mass emailing campaigns. Our (Democrat) message is clearly the only one that makes sense. So if we're still losing at the ballot boxes, that must only mean people aren't hearing us. Therefore, we need to make the same points, but make them louder." Millions of dollars spent by the Democrats have done surprisingly little to familiarize Americans with their program.... |
Jury Finds U.S. Constitution at Fault for Everything
 Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "It will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year." |
In the largest class-action suit ever, a federal jury has found the United States Constitution at fault for every problem faced by everyone, everywhere. The award, for over $2,000 billion, is equal to the entire federal budget. Of this, $500 billion will be for punitive damages - but most of it, $1,500 billion, will be for mental anguish suffered by the rest of the world. "Amen to what the jury decided," crowed the prosecuting attorney. "We just won one whopper of a case! There are six billion people who have suffered enormously from the ideas of limited government, personal freedom, and private property... |
Cindy Sheehan Loves America
By Cindy Sheehan (edited for language by Red Square) |
I love America - but not the filthy rich capitalist society it is now. That America is inherently evil, it has been killing people on this continent since it was started. As if that were not enough, it is now spreading the cancer of Pax Americana and imperialism in the Middle East. No, the America that I love is the non-polluted, sparsely populated country of five hundred years ago, with its various tribes free of capitalist exploitation, breaking each other's skulls with stone axes, shitting in the woods and getting eaten by wild animals. We want our country back! |
 Abdul Mendel, America Last League,wearing non-programmable tin hat |
America Last!Interview with Abdul Mendel, America Last League"Basically we have several warring groups among us screaming at each other over the coffee. The moderate ones want to pull back from occupied lands we took illegally in violation of international law in the Mexican-American war of 1848 and return this sacred soil to their rightful owners." |
Tikritos: Cruel Ranch and Other Progressive Flavors
 Tikritos: It's cool, its progressive, it's rebellious! Every crunch is a loud political statement! Great for street protests and sleepovers! |
Our affiliate, Che-Mart superstore, was the first to learn the news from socialist networks: Saddam Hussein still believes he is president of Iraq, is obsessed with cleanliness, makes bad coffee, and loves Doritos, an ex-guard has revealed. Anticipating a new fad among its progressive consumers, Che-Mart rushed the manufacturing of Tikritos, a new product modeled on capitalist Doritos. In the spirit of socialist competition, the fastest-growing producer of progressive products didn't spare any of its sweatshop laborers in bringing the new favorite socialist flavor to the masses. |
Rafsanjani: "Sean Penn, I am your Father!"
 It has long been thought that Sean Penn was born the son of Leo Penn, a Hollywood director who defied the House Committee on Un-American Activities and was subsequently blacklisted. But shortly before the US invasion in Iraq the actor's mother confided in him that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" from a grocery on the corner. |
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source for his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew it couldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?" |
Public School Student Fails to Hang Himself
"Not enough funding," says teachers-union president
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Schoolmates describe Joe as an impressionable 15-year-old New York kid with a heightened sense of social justice. So nobody was surprised at his yesterday's attempt to take his own life. "We live in the worst country of the world, ever!" says Joe's best friend Michael. "We kill, steal, enslave, and torture everybody! The ozone hole is growing and the rainforest is dwindling. If we don't suffocate and die of skin cancer by the age of thirty, global warming will finish us up anyway. The Western civilization did it, man. There's no point in anything anymore. When I come home from school I often want to kill myself too. I once tried to eat some deadly pills in my mom's medicine cabinet like I saw in a movie, but I couldn't read the labels." |
Rangel: Let's Give al-Qaeda a Fair Chance
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In a new display of fairness and lack of partisanship, Rep. Charles B. Rangel has come up with an initiative to grant US citizenship equally to both the families of the US soldiers killed in the Middle East and to those families whose sons are fighting against the U.S.-led coalition in the region. "We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both sides," the U.S. lawmaker said. |
Marxists Riot over Desecration of Their Holy Book
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Violent protests erupted yesterday among faculty members on American and European campuses, accompanied by massive looting, flag-burning, and clashes with riot police, after Newsweek magazine published a report stating that a U.S. interrogator desecrated Das Kapital. The holy book of an estimated 1.5 billion world's Marxists was allegedly flushed down the toilet in order to humiliate and demoralize a progressive human rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne Stewart. Deans, heads of departments, professors, and assistant professors marched in the streets holding portraits of Karl Marx, chanting revolutionary slogans, tearing up American flags, burning effigies of George Bush and David Horowitz, and threatening to suspend those students who didn't join them in their righteous protest... |
Grade Points: Fair Redistribution Among The Less Gifted
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By Dr. Winston S. Palimpsest, Chair, Cultural Hegemony Studies Another semester has ended here in the progressive, sub-alpine village of Boulder, Colorado. The always hilarious Bill Maher (my buddy Ward's favorite comedian) has delivered the commencement address, wryly peppered with side-splitters about our half-witted President. Once again, our halls of higher learning have disgorged a fresh class of graduates out into the dog-eat-dog world of capitalist wage slavery. Hopefully, the seeds of collectivism that my colleagues and I so insidiously sowed in their minds will sprout into thorns in the side of the bourgeoisie! |
Right-Wing Muslims For Bush?
 Muslim neoconservatives |
WASHINGTON, D.C. May 14th, 2005. Our reporter attends a rally held by Free Muslims Against Terrorism at Freedom Plaza on Pennsylvania Ave. So what happened? The Washington Post has this short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red Square in it). C-Span has this full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The Autonomist has this report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators' ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition of Muslims. We will tell you who Muslims ought to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with the good news of a toilet accident at Newsweek. Who are Free Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits? A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burning American flag... |
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It is a matter of common knowledge that the path to a better future lies trough the creation of a gigantic number of progressive organizations, groups, fronts, initiatives, leagues, unions, centers, and movements. The number of existing ones is not nearly sufficient. Why? The logic is quite simple. If they were numerous enough, we would already be living in a better future, now wouldn't we? |
Adventures of Lenin in 2005, Part I
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What does Lenin say to another Lenin when they meet in the time-space continuum? "My mummy can beat up your mummy!" Just kiddin', Vladimir. But seriously, remember what Herbert G. Wells told us in 1920 in the Kremlin as we discussed how time travel could help the revolution? He said, meeting your own self during time travel can be fatal. But hey, would you trust a Marxist? My guess is as good as yours. I say, screw the time-space continuum! |
May Day '05 in New York (Soviet Union Square)
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For thousands of years, since the end of Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism. But now, in a truly Orwellian fashion, we are being told that May Day really is about rejoicing and merrymaking around some stupid Maypole. That is ridiculous! Reclaim May Day as International Workers' Day or bust! |
International Workers Fools Day |
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Back in the 16th century, progressive French pagan and atheist activists who attempted to celebrate New Year in April, were ridiculed as "fools" and harassed by the reactionary Christian Church. A few dark, oppressive centuries had passed before the winning Marxist ideology unveiled the reality of April Fools! |
Flat Gareth
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Unlike most high school students in his native Brooklyn, New York, Gareth knows exactly what he wants in life. Since the beginning of the war in Iraq, Gareth has joined every socialist, pacifist, feminist, pro-abortion, environmental, vegetarian, civil rights, or communist group on the Internet. He travels extensively to participate in as many anti-capitalist rallies as his modest student budget allows.
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The Lumpenwagon:People's Housing and Locomotion Unit |
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We in the spirit of Socialist competition have liberated the People from the oil-carriages that the exploiters use to keep them in submission. The Lumpenwagon need only the fervent energy and motivation of the proletarians to propel it towards greatness! We humbly petition The Central Committee to alter the next Five Year Plan to build these Universal People Transporters and free State resources for the armed struggle against war and imperialism. |
MORE GLORIOUS POLITICAL HUMOR AND SATIRE NYET!:
- People's Cube Satire Classics - Greatest Hits
- Progressive Satire Archive 2010
- Progressive Satire Archive 2009
- Progressive Satire Archive 2008
- Progressive Satire Archive 2007
- Progressive Satire Archive 2006
- Progressive Satire Archive 2005
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
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Joe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his rallies
Democrats now worried they might even lose the illegal alien vote
Soleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the box
BREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porch
Liz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists instead
Pelosi: "First we have to impeach Donald Trump before we can find out why we impeached him."
Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'
Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash
California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit
BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican
California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge
Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir
Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record
Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist
Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative
Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations
Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama
NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy
HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack
Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth
Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"
Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached
Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated
International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men
Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry
AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation
Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected
West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia
BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan
DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls
Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm
Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones
Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists
Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America
CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees
Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school
Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen
Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves
HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires
San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws
Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk
With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity
California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints
Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco
Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming
Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies
San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag
BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism
Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution
BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer
IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case
Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"
Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry
Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion
MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border
BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania
Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations
Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional
New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name
Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens
Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead
Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritas™ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'
TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist
RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma
Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble
This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding
Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline
Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'
Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles
Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows
Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system
DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights
Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure
Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump
Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia
CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes
ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers
When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was
CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry
Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'
BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.
DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago
Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same
BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private
DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia
BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia
Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds
Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses
BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved
Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day official holiday
Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do
Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate
Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated
Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play
"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"
Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in
"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"
Schoolchildren jailed for building only white snowmen
Obama's reckless attacks on Russia serve as recruitment tool to create more Russian hackers
Hillary: "I lost, so I'm going to follow our democratic traditions, poison the wells, and scorch the earth"
Children in Venezuela cook and eat their Christmas toys
Hillary: "I can hack Russia from my bathroom"
Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" ("Pravda" for Russian speakers)
BREAKING: Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary's private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom
New York Times: Fidel Castro world's sexiest corpse
After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro
Post-election shopping tip: look for the PoliticsFree label at your local grocer to make sure you don't buy from companies that don't want your business anymore
In Hillary's America, email server scrubs you
Obama transfers his Nobel Peace Prize to anti-Trump rioters
Democrats blame Hillary's criminal e-mail server for her loss, demand it face prison
Afraid of "dangerous" Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground
Clinton Foundation in foreclosure as foreign donors demand refunds
Hillary Clinton blames YouTube video for unexpected and spontaneous voter uprising that prevented her inevitable move into the White House
Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump's electoral victory
FBI director Comey delighted after receiving Nobel Prize for Speed Reading (650,000 emails in one week)
U.N. deploys troops to American college campuses in order to combat staggeringly low rape rates
Responding to Trump's surging poll numbers, Obama preemptively pardons himself for treason
Following hurricane Matthew's failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually
Tim Kaine takes credit for interrupting hurricane Matthew while debating weather in Florida
Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote
The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush
Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food
Breaking: the Clinton Foundation set to investigate the FBI
Obama captures rare Pokémon while visiting Hiroshima
Movie news: 'The Big Friendly Giant Government' flops at box office; audiences say "It's creepy"
Barack Obama: "If I had a son, he'd look like Micah Johnson"
White House edits Orlando 911 transcript to say shooter pledged allegiance to NRA and Republican Party
President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'
Following Obama's 'Okie-Doke' speech, stock of Okie-Doke soars; NASDAQ: 'Obama best Okie-Doke salesman'
Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber
Experts: melting Antarctic glacier could cause sale levels to rise up to 80% off select items by this weekend
Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line
As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards
John Kasich self-identifies as GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom
Upcoming Trump/Kelly interview on FoxNews sponsored by 'Let's Make a Deal' and 'The Price is Right'
News from 2017: once the evacuation of Lena Dunham and 90% of other Hollywood celebrities to Canada is confirmed, Trump resigns from presidency: "My work here is done"
Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign
Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning 2009
National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman
National Enquirer: Bound delegates from Colorado, Wyoming found in Ted Cruz’s basement
Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response
Women across the country cheer as racist Democrat president on $20 bill is replaced by black pro-gun Republican
Federal Reserve solves budget crisis by writing itself a 20-trillion-dollar check
Widows, orphans claim responsibility for Brussels airport bombing
Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first
Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina." Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer
Campaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' vote
New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"
Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president
Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two
Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence
Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men
In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas
TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'
Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"
University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities
Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island
Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state"
Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy
State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery
NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget
College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action
ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios
Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic
'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break
ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood
Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans
Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people
Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need
John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side
Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone
John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend
Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles
State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider
Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons
Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations
Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'
NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
"Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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