Guilt Quiz & Guilt Level Chart: Tools for the Guilted Age

Now that the properly conditioned guilt-ridden voters have elected the first Certified-Oppressed-Minority™ president, America has officially entered a new Guilted Age. The Guilted Age is similar to the Gilded Age, only instead of being motivated by the acquisition of gold, the nation is motivated by the distribution of Guilt™.

A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing.

~

The pursuit of happiness in the Guilted Age becomes to mean this: the stronger your guilt, the happier you are to give your stuff to us. We call it Sharing™.

We don't believe in chance, that's why we are disposing of capitalism. We can't leave Guilt™ to chance either - it is a fickle sentiment and, therefore, it must be systematically reinforced and replenished. In order to support a massive guilt-fueled American economy, both Guilt™ and Sharing™ must be institutionalized and managed in a planned, scientific manner from a central location by experienced professionals.

To rule over the guilt-driven nation more efficiently, the Obama administration needs to create the US Department of Guilt - a government agency intended to stimulate and enhance guilt complexes among the population through coordinated guilt-inducing campaigns in the media, entertainment, and public education.

Guilt czar is to be selected from among the best professional guilt trippers on the raster of Socialist International, to oversee the proper distribution of Guilt™ among all Americans in accordance with assigned quotas (see diagram below). Guilt czar will steer and support the transition from Conspicuous Consumption™ of the Gilded Age to Conspicuous Compassion™ of the Guilted Age, as mandated by government edict.

To this end scientists at Karl Marx Treatment Center developed the following Progressive Guilt Quiz. It is to be taken by all Americans at the start of each fiscal year, to estimate their position in the Guilt™ hierarchy. The level of Guilt™ they are required to feel is directly proportional to the money they are required to Share™ with the Party and its organs in order to receive their annual Guilt™ Offsets.

Progressive Guilt Quiz

INTERPRETING
THE RESULTS:
Find your number in the Guilt™ hierarchy

You and your life's work are barred from being mentioned in media publications. Ineligible for re-education. After the Revolution subject to Revolutionary Tribunal Che Guevara style (shot in the head without trial). Everyone you ever came in contact with has been contaminated and is therefore also guilty. We will find them, too. You are all incorrigible corporate war-mongering Zionist terrorists; the people will continue to resist your capitalist attacks by any and all means.

You are an unfeeling tool of the capitalist class and a menace to the state. Barred from working in educational, media, or entertainment industries. Not qualified for government grants or any other public assistance. Re-education strongly advised. After the Revolution you and your family will be arrested and relocated to a place where The People's Scientists will remove your guilt.

The only way for you to redeem your existence and feel better about yourself is to donate the amount that matches your score to the People's Cube. Donations are to be made here (link to PayPal). Print out and show the receipt to your local Kommissar. After the Revolution one receipt will be redeemable for one Get Out of Gulag coupon. Not for sale. Not transferable to family members. Violators shall be subject to Revolutionary Tribunal Che Guevara style.

You are neutral, neither good nor bad, but only one who arouses suspicion. Expect to be placed under continuous surveillance. Eligible to work in the media but only as a token "conservative commentator." Grants or any assistance from the government and charitable institutions denied.

Entitled to government grants and promotion within the administrative hierarchy. Recommended for media appearances and awards. As a trusted member of the community you will be placed on only intermittent surveillance. We will count on you to provide us with useful information on your neighbors, co-workers, friends, and family.

The sense of entitlement is strong within you, comrade! Indeed, you are qualified for public assistance in the amount that matches your score. Print out your score and bring it to the local Kommissariat to redeem for one of the following: (A) free NPR broadcast by members of Media Workers Union, (B) free indoctrination by members of Teachers Union, or (C) free entertainment by the best state-sponsored members of Artists Union who will place a cult object of your choice into a bucket of urine.

Qualified for a position of a media darling, most-talked-about celebrity, the sexiest man / woman / transgendered person alive, and positive role model for the young generation. Entitled to winning national and international prizes in the field of the Party's choosing - from Oscar, Nobel, Pulitzer, Emmy, and Golden Globes to the prestigious "Pinky's Beet of the Week at the People's Cube Award and Bumper Sticker."

Congratulations, Comrade! The People welcome you as an Ultimate Guiltless Member of Society! Call the Obama Administration and tell them you are entitled to leadership positions inside the government, non-profit, and community organizations, as well as subservient media, educational, or entertainment branches.

Your level of Guilt™ is calculated in Guilt points. Print out the result and staple it to your government-issued ID card. If requested, present it to the arresting ACLU officer.

1. What is your income?

	Between $20G and $1M	+50 Guilt points
	Less than $20G	0 Guilt points
	On welfare	-10 Guilt points
	Incarcerated	-15 Guilt points
	Community organizer	-50 Guilt points

2. Have you ever reported anyone to the IRS?

	No	+10 Guilt points
	Yes, an acquaintance	-5 Guilt points
	Yes, a friend	-10 Guilt points
	Yes, a parent	-20 Guilt points

3. What is your gender?

	Male	+10 Guilt points
	Female	+5 Guilt points
	Transgender	0 Guilt points

4. Your ethnicity is...

	White	+10 Guilt points
	All other	0 Guilt points and skip the next question

5. How many diverse (i.e., non-white) friends do you have?

	None	+10 Guilt points
	1	- 50 Guilt points
	6 or more	-10 Guilt points

6. Does a person's ethnicity or race influence whether they will be your friend?

	No, I am color-blind and judge people as individuals	+20 Guilt points
	I try to ignore their race, but if I do have Diverse Friend, I will brag about it	0 Guilt points
	I actively seek Friends of Diversity; it makes me a complete human being	-5 Guilt points
	I only associate with Diverse races; to behave otherwise is inhuman	-10 Guilt points

7.Where do you live?

	I own a house	+30 Guilt points
	I live in an apartment	+20 Guilt points
	I live in Mom's basement	+5 Guilt points
	I live in Mom's rent-controlled apartment	0 Guilt points
	I share an apartment with another family	-10 points for each family
	State penitentiary	-30 Guilt points

8. What percentage of your net income do you donate to the Democratic Party and affiliated groups?

	<25%	0 Guilt points
	25% - 50%	-5 Guilt points
	51% - 99%	-10 Guilt points
	100%	Purity: -75 Guilt points

9. Your 17-year old son announces he is gay. Do you immediately...

	Pray for his salvation	+15 Guilt points
	Accept it with some reservation	+10 Guilt points
	Accept it as natural and move on	+5 Guilt points
	Celebrate	-5 Guilt points
	Call a lawyer to file some discrimination suits	-10 Guilt points

10. How would you react if your daughter came home wearing a burqa?

	I would explain that she is wearing a garment associated with religious fanaticism	+10
	I would be relieved that at least she won't get pregnant	+5
	I would beam with pride, knowing that she has embraced a diverse multicultural lifestyle	- 5

11. Which of the following do you regularly purchase used?

	Books	0 Guilt points
	Outer wear	0 Guilt points
	Socks	-5 Guilt points
	Underwear	-10 Guilt points
	Hypodermic needles	-15 Guilt points
	Condoms	-20 Guilt points

12. What is your religious belief?

	Christian	+15 Guilt points
	Jewish	+5 Guilt points
	Unitarian Universalist	0 Guilt points
	Atheist	-5 Guilt points
	New Age	-10 Guilt points
	Muslim	-15 Guilt points

13. Of the following people, whom do you respect the most?

	George W. Bush	+100 Guilt points
	Ayn Rand	+75 Guilt points
	Ronald Reagan	+50 Guilt points
	Thomas Jefferson	+25 Guilt points
	Clarence Thomas	+20 Guilt points
	Christopher Columbus	+15 Guilt points
	Nelson Mandela	0 Guilt points
	Josef Stalin	-10 Guilt points
	George Soros	-15 Guilt points
	Michael Moore	-20 Guilt points
	Saddam Hussein	-25 Guilt points
	Barack Hussein Obama	-30 Guilt points
	Che Guevara	-40 Guilt points
	Muntadhar al-Zaidi the Shoe Thrower	-50 Guilt points

14. Which flag do you display at your house?

	Confederate	+30 Guilt points
	American	+15 Guilt points
	Cuban	+10 Guilt points
	Any other Caribbean	0 Guilt points
	Rainbow	-5 Guilt points
	Anything with a crescent	-10 Guilt points
	CCCP	-15 Guilt points
	American flag, but upside-down	-30 Guilt points
	That new American flag with Obama's picture on it	-50 Guilt points

15. What contraceptive do you use?

	I practice abstinence	+25 Guilt points
	I collect condoms distributed by the Metropolitan Transit Authority	+5 Guilt points
	I had myself sterilized to save the planet from overpopulation	0 Guilt points
	I plan to kill myself to save the planet from overpopulation	-10 Guilt points
	I don't. But the government should pay me every time I have a kid, since I can't keep track of all their fathers to collect child support	-25 Guilt points
	I have a monthly standing appointment at the local abortion clinic	-50 Guilt points

16. The attacks of 9/11 were the fault of:

	Fanatic Muslims intent on murdering non-believers	+20 Guilt points
	President Clinton: He was banging Monica instead of Al Qaeda	+20 Guilt points
	Terrorists, ambiguous terrorists	+5 Guilt points
	Me, you, and everyone else who was insensitive to the grievances of People of Diversity	-5 Guilt points
	The 3000 Little Eichmanns who reported to the World Trade Center that day, and the 1000 Zionists who stayed home	-10 Guilt points
	The Government. The whole thing was staged with holograms from giant projectors made invisible by cloaking devices	+25 Guilt points
	What attacks?	+35 Guilt points
	Are you kidding? George W. Bush, of course!	-50 Guilt points

17. The news media needs to run photos/video of the following more often, lest we forget our real enemy and what America has at stake:

	The WTC on 9/11	+50 Guilt points
	Muslim terrorists threatening to kill blindfolded U.S. hostages	+25 Guilt points
	Israeli children injured by Palestinian bomb attacks	+10 Guilt points
	Palestinian children injured by Israeli attacks	-10 Guilt points
	Tina Fey doing her Sarah Palin impression	-20 Guilt points
	Guantanamo Bay detainees in black hoods and orange jumpsuits	-30 Guilt points
	Naked Abu Ghraib prisoners	-40 Guilt points
	Injured, beat up Iraqis. Footage doesn't have to be from the Iraq War, so long as viewers think U.S. troops are responsible	-50 Guilt points

18. My favorite place to protest and do sit-ins, lie-ins, die-ins and pee-ins, etc:

	Abortion clinic	+20 Guilt points
	I don't do sit-ins, lie-ins, die-ins and pee-ins	+10 Guilt points
	Fast food restaurant	-10 Guilt points
	Military recruiting office	-25 Guilt points
	Wherever two or more conservatives are gathered	-50 Guilt points

19. You discover a dead rat in your basement. What do you do with it?

	I do not live in a neighborhood with rats	+10 Guilt points
	Throw it out	+5 Guilt points
	"Hey kids! Chicken nuggets for dinner tonight!"	-10 Guilt points
	Smear its blood on the wall of my nearest corporate office park	-20 Guilt points
	Have my friends over and take turns throwing it at a picture of George W. Bush	-35 Guilt points
	Throw it at George W. Bush	-50 Guilt points

20. Which is your favorite form of relaxation?

	Spending time with my family	+25 Guilt points
	Hunting	+15 Guilt points
	Watching a ballgame	+10 Guilt points
	Nature walks	0 Guilt points
	Group therapy to relieve collective guilt	-5 Guilt points
	Protesting oil wars in front of my nearest Citibank	-15 Guilt points
	Tossing shoes at the portrait of George W. Bush	-20 Guilt points

21. Where did you spend your last vacation?

	Church trip to the Holy Land	+15 Guilt points
	Touring the USA	+10 Guilt points
	Touring France	0 Guilt points
	Agitating for Revolution in Central America	-10 Guilt points
	Lying in front of Zionist bulldozers in the Gaza Strip	-25 Guilt points

22. Which is your preferred place to shop for groceries?

	Wal-Mart	+15 Guilt points
	A food co-op	-5 Guilt points
	Local food pantry	-5 Guilt points
	Dumpster diving	-10 Guilt points

23. What car do you drive?

	SUV	+30 Guilt points
	Family car	+20 Guilt points
	I rent Zipcars	+5 Guilt points
	I only use public transportation	0 Guilt points
	I transport my belongings in a shopping cart (Lumpenwagon)	-20 Guilt points

24. What is the capacity of your toilet tank?

	5 Gallons	+10 Guilt points
	3 Gallon	+5 Guilt points
	1 Gallon	0 Guilt points
	No water - I just "go" in the street	-5 Guilt points
	No water - I use a neighbor's lawn to be eco-friendly to the grass	-10 Guilt points

25. Do you recycle?

	Never	+20 Guilt points
	Yes, newspapers and bottles	0 Guilt points
	Yes, and I reuse paper cups and plates	-5 Guilt points
	Yes, and I reuse toilet paper	-10 Guilt points
	Toilet paper is a waste of precious resources; I use my bare hand	-15 Guilt points

SUBRACT AN ADDITIONAL 10 POINTS IF YOU CHECKED THE LAST ANSWERS
TO BOTH OF THE PREVIOUS TWO QUESTIONS

26. What is your preferred energy source?

	Nuclear power	+50 Guilt points
	Oil	+40 Guilt points
	Coal	+30 Guilt points
	Wind	0 Guilt points
	Solar	-5 Guilt points
	Ethanol/corncobs	-25 Guilt points
	Hiring an Undocumented-American to pedal an old exercise bike jerry-rigged to a generator	-50 Guilt points

27. You're behind the wheel of your BMW, waiting for the green arrow so you can turn left into Starbucks for your latte, when you see a homeless person on the median with a crudely lettered cardboard sign asking for help. What do you do?

	Ignore him	+25 Guilt points
	Give him whatever change I have handy	0 Guilt points
	I take him home for dinner and plead with my father to give him a job in his shop	-25 (+5 if you have to promise Daddy this will be "the last time")
	Nothing. Instead, I go home to my parents' $450,000 McMansion, where I write in my blog, lamenting his predicament and the government's failure to fund programs that will get him out of it	-50 Guilt points

28. You're out there making a Difference™, raising Awareness™, and showing how much you Care™ by doing the following:

	Taking responsibility for my life	+50 Guilt points
	Voting	+25 Guilt points
	Participating in marches and demonstrations	0 Guilt points
	Buying up carbon credits	-5 Guilt points
	Dressing up in costume and pretending to be Gitmo prisoners or dead soldiers	-10 Guilt points
	Baring my genitals in public to protest war and violence	-15 Guilt points
	Burning and stomping on the U.S. flag	-30 Guilt points
	Wearing colored wristbands and awareness ribbons	-40 Guilt points
	Traveling the world in my Gulfstream jet and air conditioned limo, pontificating to others on how to live, which isn't how I live. Yes, I feel guilty about that; I despise my lifestyle and the wealth required to maintain it, but it's necessary to raise awareness among the masses. It doesn't help that people like you keep pointing out the so-called hypocrisy. It's easy to just stand around and criticize. AT LEAST I CARE!	-50 Guilt points

29. If your home is invaded by a burglar, how would you most likely respond?

	I would aim for the head	+20 Guilt points
	I would try to call 911	+10 Guilt points
	I would try to understand his innermost feelings	0 Guilt points
	I would let him know that his predicament is all my fault	-5 Guilt points
	I would offer to join him if we go after the neighborhood Republicans, who are really at fault	-10 Guilt points

30. You believe that socialism is...

	The utopian ideology of forced collectivism, where individuals exist only to serve the abstract "common good". It has resulted in poverty, slavery, famines, and genocide - and is accountable for over 150,000,000 murders in the 20th Century	+50 Guilt points
	Something that appeals to angry people with intellectual affectations, who never seem to have real jobs or the ability to properly groom/cut/wash body hair	+30 Guilt points
	Something all my professors talked about in college whose meaning I forgot after I took the final exam	+10 Guilt points
	An idealistic system of fairness, equity, and social justice that has been flawed in practice because it has never, in a hundred years, been given a chance to work properly	0 Guilt points
	A movement that has time and again, through resistance and struggle, solved the problems of poverty, racism, ignorance, illiteracy, worker exploitation, inequality, American imperialism, Zionist colonialism, and capitalist oppression	-15 Guilt points

YOUR GUILT LEVEL:

REPORT YOUR SCORE AND COMMENTS HERE >>

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.

Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!

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John Kasich self-identifies as GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom

Upcoming Trump/Kelly interview on FoxNews sponsored by 'Let's Make a Deal' and 'The Price is Right'

News from 2017: once the evacuation of Lena Dunham and 90% of other Hollywood celebrities to Canada is confirmed, Trump resigns from presidency: "My work here is done"

Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign

Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning 2009

National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman

National Enquirer: Bound delegates from Colorado, Wyoming found in Ted Cruz’s basement

Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response

Women across the country cheer as racist Democrat president on $20 bill is replaced by black pro-gun Republican

Federal Reserve solves budget crisis by writing itself a 20-trillion-dollar check

Widows, orphans claim responsibility for Brussels airport bombing

Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first

Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina." Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer

Campaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' vote

New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"

Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president

Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two

Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence

Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men

In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas

TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons

Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'

Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"

University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities

Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island

Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state"

Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy

State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery

NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget

College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action

ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios

Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic

'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break

ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood

Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans

Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people

Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need

John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side

Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone

John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons

Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend

Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles

State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider

Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons

Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations

Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals

US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'

NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise

Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market

Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males

NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record

People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services

Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba

White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'

CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate

Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'

Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'

Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'

Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first

The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office

White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders

Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time

Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy

Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents

Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences

Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity

Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow

African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"

Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it

Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'

BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama

Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free

Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness

President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser

Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members

White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos

Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency

Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole

Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"

Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids

Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution

Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon

"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original

Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts

Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks

100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"

Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news

"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence

Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours

Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues

"Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes

Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed

Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account

Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"

In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea

Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"

Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"

Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"

US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"

Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help

The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."

In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook

MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine

Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants

Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America

North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"

Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout

Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss

Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"

Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district

Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend

Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle

North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party

White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare

Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas

OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea

President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy

Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"

Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC

Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"

Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week

Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message

NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"

Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough

The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"

Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare

Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation

Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans

Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy

GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords

Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare

Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria

Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"

DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women

Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees

Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left

Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'

FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp

Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies

GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'

Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'

Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism

News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota

Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith

Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page

Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment

White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria

Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'

Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins

Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date

IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history

After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot

Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'

Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program

US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?

Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy

This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester

White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras

Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse

Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school

Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition

Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State

Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'

Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'

Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested

Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead

Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending

Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances

Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons

Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago

Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections

Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country

Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'

White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out

New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen

White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class

To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead

State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations

Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward

President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward

Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects

World ends; S&P soars

Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood

Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes

Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway

Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013

Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama

As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list

Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves

Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium

Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future

Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet

Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'

Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties

Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years

Obama attends church service, worships self

Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending

Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"

Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh

Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"

Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears

Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights

Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'

Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"

Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't

Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space

Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus

Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed

Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"

Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere

Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"

Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college

Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!

Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'

Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'

Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies

Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"

Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans

Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law

Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond

Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics

Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof

Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels

Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party

Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend

May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above

Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"

Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name

Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich

Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag

Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"

Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off

Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"

Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed

White House: "Let them eat statistics"

Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama

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