The People's Cube Archive: Islam and Progressive Jihad
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"Offended Muslim Syndrome" Symptoms & Self-Help Groups
Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical
guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam.Adobe Acrobat Update Sparks Violent Protests In Muslim World
Scores of people were injured Saturday in clashes with police as protests continued in the Muslim world against the most recent Adobe Acrobat update, downloaded Friday to one of the region's fifteen computers. Released by an American-based software company, the update allegedly provided "critical fixes improving security, stability and performance," while also addressing a number of "high priority bugs," which many in the Muslim world see as an insult to their way of life."Why are Americans always telling us that we need an update?" an imam addressed a raging crowd of followers in Bangladesh's capital, Dhaka. "The very suggestion that we need a 'critical fix' to improve the 'handling of errors' is yet another example of America's arrogance. Our system is superior to theirs and any suggestion that it 'misses a plug-in' is an imperialist attempt to impose their blasphemous lifestyle on true believers."
Hamas Bumper Stickers on Twitter started by ThePeoplesCube
Last night on Twitter, @ThePeoplesCube started a #HamasBumperStickers trend, which was picked up by tens of thousands people and quickly rose to the #1 trend not just in the United States but also worldwide - the fact promptly picked up by Michelle Malkin's Twitchy Team.18 hours later, #HamasBumperStickers is still trending, breaking Twitter records on humorous hashtag games...
Muslims Riot Over Having Nothing To Riot About
Scores were injured and numerous buildings were burnt to the ground in the city of Itsnotsobad after a riot was started by peaceful Muslims who expressed outrage over five straight days of no provocation or insults from the West.Mahmoud Iwannariotbad, a local businessman who sells detonators, wire, and dynamite to the local mosque construction industry, stated that the violence began when a group of men hanging around in his store began discussing the fact that no new anti-Islam films, subway advertisements, or Pamela Geller blog postings had appeared for a number of days.
One of them began shouting, "They are NOT INSULTING us because they think we are all violent, stupid thugs and not peace-loving sons of the prophet. This is an insult to Islam! Let's kill them!"
"Suddenly, they all wanted to buy detonators, wire, and dynamite," Mr. Iwannariotbad continued...
Anti-savage poster offends a savage: the back story
While this story has been covered in the New York Post, NewsBusters, JihadWatch, and linked on Drudge, I'd like to offer a little-known back story of the events - and it involves the People's Cube in more ways than one.We covered the story of how the MTA initially rejected this ad, adding a series of visual spoofs portraying the hypothetical reaction to it by offended savages. That makes Mona Eltahawy's claim to be a Proud Savage nothing more than - you guessed it - life imitating the People's Cube.
You get no argument from us, Mona - you're a bona fide savage, vandal, and barbarian.
Attn Liberals: This Is What Islamic Supremacism Looks Like
As seen in Front Page Magazine - now with pictures"This is what democracy looks like" was often heard at Occupy Wall Street rallies from hatchlings of the "progressive" eggs we have seen deposited sneakily on the Internet, in textbooks, films, and news coverage. Their leaders also tried to garner the support of Islamists by embracing their alleged grievances, but having showed up only once for a public prayer and witnessing the ungodly Occupy lifestyle, Muslim groups quickly decided they weren't THAT tolerant. Predictably, this was promptly squirreled away by the Occupiers into the lessons-not-learned tent.
People's Cube Annual Muslim Riots Edition & Caption Contest
Writing about Muslim riots becomes tiring after a while. Below are a few stories from the previous years. Just insert today's date and the most recent Party-approved excuse for violence - and you get The Current Truth™!"Offended Muslim Syndrome" Symptoms & Self-Help Groups
Islam's Struggle Against Cartoon Terrorism: Mother of all Erasers
Angry Muslims Protest Bush-Hitler Comparisons
Byzantine Emperor Apologizes to Muslims For Quote
Muslim Riots Spread to Amish, Hare Krishnas, Jews, Others
Marxists Riot over Desecration of Their Holy Book
Jews Riot Over Pictures of Buddhist Symbol
Conflict in The Middle East: Progressive Solutions
Jimmy Carter's Islam Riot Band (People's Karaoke)
Women's Progress Backwards: The Tale of Two Burkas
As seen in The Washington TimesIntentionally or not, the Code Pink feminists who cover themselves in vagina-shaped burkas send a message that reduces the woman's existence to a single physiological function, stripping her of an individual mind, spirit, and character - a view not very different from the fundamentalist Islamic idea of a woman as merely a veiled reproductive organ. This is hardly coincidental: two militant collectivist philosophies are bound to converge at one point or more.
The Left was never squeamish about breaking eggs to make an omelet. The eggs in this case are the brutalized Muslim women, who now have nowhere else to turn...
Victims Of Islamic Intimidation, Unite!
All world cultures, Western and Muslim alike, share the same moral conviction, which is commonly reflected in their laws: those who show contempt for human life by committing remorseless, premeditated murder justly forfeit the right to their own life. By this moral and legal standard, shouldn't remorseless radical groups that profess contempt for our individual freedoms and actively promote their demise, forfeit their own right to enjoy these very individual freedoms? Shouldn't their premeditated efforts to destroy the rule of law make them ineligible to be protected by these very laws?MTA: Geller's Anti-Savage Poster May Be Insulting To Savages
Who is to say that the beheading of the unbelievers is wrong? Is our civilization worth saving? What kind of a world are we leaving to our children if one can no longer advertise the killing of Jews in American newspapers? A New York judge will soon resolve these previously unanswered questions in a hearing brought by a relentless neo-civilizationist Pamela Geller against a group of peaceful fundamentalists from Palestine and neighboring oil-rich countries, as well as American pro-savage activists, whose only fault was to run a series of ads in American cities that call for peace, love, and the destruction of Israel.
"Free speech in America is dead," says bitterly Mohammed Mohammed, the Chief Executions Officer of SupportTheSavage.org - a radically peaceful website that distributes printed materials showing cardboard cutouts of smiling suicidal Jews next to the words "End U.S. military aid to Israel and push the pig-monkeys into the sea."
Cardboard Muslim Astronauts for NASA Outreach Program
Our oil companies have long been working for Muslims to extract their oil, which they couldn't find themselves. Hollywood studios are producing pro-Muslim, anti-American propaganda movies that Muslims couldn't film themselves. And Western politicians are surrendering to them their countries, which Muslims couldn't otherwise conquer. And so on. Giving them our spaceships is just one more stroke of a shovel in leveling the playing field for the Muslims.This isn't as simple as it may look. While many Muslim enthusiasts are expected to volunteer for space flights, experts predict their lack of willingness to learn about landing procedures. Besides, a complete full-time training may not fit into NASA's recently downsized budget.
We've got a solution: USE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF MUSLIMS IN SPACE!
'Beat The Imperialist Enemy' Toy and Educational Aid
- Modeled after the beating of Zionist occupiers by peace activists of the Gaza flotilla- Lovingly handcrafted by reformed prisoners of the re-education camp #186, the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea
- Winner of the prestigious Hammer and Popsicle Award For The Advancement of Prepubescent Justice.
Boost your child's imagination with additional imperialist pig figures of a Zionist occupier, Tea Party goer, Generic capitalist exploiter, Fox News broadcaster, Sarah Palin, and more!
Pimp My Mosque: Speech Codes of the East and West
As seen on Pajamas MediaHoly Shiite! Pious pilgrimage just got more exciting at Imam Reza's shrine in Iran, where for a reasonable fee (see price list below) a mullah can join any eager pilgrim in holy matrimony of "temporary marriage" with his choice of a lovely, fully hijabed, and properly veiled prostitute for a period between 5 hours to 10 days. Pedophiles welcome: girls as young as 12 years of age are standing by. Not to worry, the mullahs got them covered: all "temps" under 14 must show a written consent from their fathers or male guardians (no doubt on advice from the recently fired, now freelancing ACORN specialists).
We are not making this up.
Obama: Al Qaeda Racists Give Radicals a Bad Name
In a last-ditch effort to find a moral justification for a war that his radical leftist base could accept, President Obama attributed recent bombings in Africa to al Qaeda's bigotry, describing the terrorist
masterminds as racist radicals. Accompanied by a somber Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and NAACP President Ben Jealous, President Obama read a joint declaration denouncing al Qaeda's bigoted practice of "sacrificing innocent African life" as a means to hit a legitimate Western target.
To cover all possible bases, the declaration included a list of other random offenses, such as, the terrorist group's failure to embrace the local LGBT community, their complete lack of interest in environmental activism and in raising awareness about climate change, turning a blind eye to the existence of a "glass ceiling" for female suicide bombers, and a few documented instances of not separating paper from plastic. "This is not a behavior most self-respecting radicals would condone, nor expect from fellow radicals," Obama said.
"Everybody Draw a POSITIVE Mohammed" Day
We are not haters.Everybody has heard by now about Everybody Draw Mohammed Day on May 20 - a grassroots campaign sparked by Islamist death threats to South Park's Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman, and Kyle Broflovsky. The general presumption is that on this day the Internet is going to be filled with negative images of Mohammed. Not true.
We on this site are sounding our unanimous NO to negativity! We are preemptively opposing it with our own positive, loving images of Mohammed that will raise awareness and educate the nonbelievers about the correct way to treat the Muslim community and vice versa.
Hamas® Intifada Baby Armor
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Waging Jihad against the Zionists just got easier. With Hamas® brand "Intifada Baby Armor" your mission to destroy Israel can be achieved even sooner. You'll love these new features:
Infant not included |
Canadian Police Start Wider Crackdown On Un-Islamic Dress
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OTTAWA (Reuters) - Royal Mounted Police have launched a more extensive crackdown on "social corruption" such as women flouting Islamic dress codes on Monday. "In its wider crackdown which has started from Saturday, police will confront those who appear in public in an indecent way and will also seal off shops selling un-Islamic dress," the newspaper said, quoting an unnamed police official. |
Conference On Islamic Wakefulness Turns Into A Sleepover
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The recent International Conference on Islamic Unity and Wakefulness in the 21st Century in Tehran became a fiasco as it failed to keep the delegates awake long enough for the photo ops. Soon after they were seated, the attendees began to doze off and fall from their seats, with nobody left alert enough to pick them up. The conference was closed on the second day after the neighbors complained that the continuous snoring was making their pets paranoid. The tone of the event was set by the Director of the Expediency Council of Iran, who nodded off before finishing his welcoming address. "Today more than ever, the Islamic World is in need of wakefulness of Muslims," he said as he slowly slid behind the pulpit. |
Jimmy Carter's Habitat For Hamas
 Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration. |
After finishing Habitat for Hamsters in San Francisco, President Jimmy Carter went on to start a new Habitat for Hamas project in Gaza, building new homes for families whose homes were destroyed by Israeli bulldozers in retaliation for suicide bombings. |
Muslim Scientists Develop 'Mother of all Erasers'
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From our Back in the News department "I see no way to combat this horrific infidel weapon other than by balanced, fair, and rational hostage-taking, bomb-throwing, and embassy-burning, based on strict Islamic law and mutual understanding of our commin goal, which is the Islamization of Earth. These methods have proven efficient in dealing with the West in the past..." |
The People's Cube Pwns Iranian Propaganda
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An open letter to the Islamic Republic of Iran Dear Iranian Mullahs! While our satirical website and your Propaganda Directorate deal in the same trade of making up facts and exaggerating reality, we are different in that we can recognize a spoof - but you apparently can't. On Dec. 27, 2007 you used our spoof image on your propaganda website to illustrate a "true" statement that Jews are welcome in Iran and that Western reports about mass emigration of Iranian Jews are "lies spread by the Zionist hegemony." |
Roger Waters Brings 'The Wall' To Muslim Countries
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Roger Waters takes 'The Wall' Concerts to 57 Islamic Countries to Protest against Sharia Law and Execution of Homosexuals by having Walls Fall on Them Having supported every wall-related cause and courageously stared down the free world over hundreds of minor injustices involving walls, co-founder and former lead singer of Pink Floyd Roger Waters has announced that he will take 'The Wall' performances to the Muslim world to protest the practice of crushing homosexuals with walls. "I've already dragged my Wall concerts around the world to protest against walls, fences, and miscellaneous types of enclosures," explains Waters. |
Che Guevara Captured In Baghdad Raid
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A report released by the Pentagon confirms rumors that popular international terrorist Ernesto Guevara, better known under the nickname "Che" has been captured in a safe house south of Baghdad, during a routine raid operation conducted jointly by the new Iraqi police and the US Marines. His identity was immediately established by comparing his face to one of the Che Guevara T-shirts that lay scattered around the safe house. |
"Everybody Loves Ahmadinejad" Rally & Fun Activities
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NEW YORK - Sept. 24, 2007. It was a pleasant sunny day in New York - just like the one on 9/11 six years ago. Peace activists gathered outside Columbia University to support Iranian President's speech on campus, anticipating a great leap forward towards World Peace™ and a glorious blow to American imperialism. Supporters of international socialism stood side by side with supporters of the international caliphate - against the crowd of Jews and other agents of the international Zionist conspiracy who descended on the corner of Broadway and E 116th Street to oppose Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and steal his oil. |
Understanding The Holocaust: Ahmadinejad at Columbia
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NEW YORK - Columbia University president Lee Bollinger confirmed plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We are preparing some hard-ball questions that would force Iran's President to tell us more about his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity," stated Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual diversity that we spare no effort to silence the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing critics - and few people know about that more than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us." |
Bin Laden Responds to Hillary's Coded Message
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In an effort to clarify his threat-laced seven-page manifesto released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has sent a threat-laced three-page memo to Al Jazeera, to be read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like every hour on the hour. The memo seems to single out Hillary Clinton, whom Bin Laden alternatively calls either "cuckolded blond lady candidate" or "woman who should be wearing a burqa." "But we want a Democrat president as much as you do," Bin Laden continues, suggesting that al-Qaeda might, after all, adhere to Mrs. Clinton's directive and lay off the terror shortly after the primaries, when the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest. |
Iraqi Prime Minister Foresees An American Civil War
 Nouri al-Maliki offers Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi a last chance. |
(BAGHDAD) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki cautioned yesterday that the United States could face civil war if disunity continues among differing factions in the United States Congress. "If we can trust CNN and the Arabic edition of The New York Times , it's only a matter of time before a civil war breaks out between the red states and the blue states," Maliki said to a hushed audience of Iraqi veterans and their families, suggesting that the fanatical leaders of Congress "be ousted as swiftly as a convicted thief's left hand is separated from his arm in Saudi Arabia." |
The Insensitive Marine
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A War Story For Our Time
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A group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad. The terrorists announce they will behead the captives, but promise to grant each of them a last wish. |
Human Rights Group Decries Bigotry in Beheading Video
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Human rights group, Human Rights Right This Minute! (HRRTM) has condemned what it calls "inappropriate remarks bordering on racism and bigotry" that came from an English journalist Joe Snuffy as he was beheaded on a recently surfaced Al Qaeda video. The official transcript of the tape attributes to Mr. Snuffy the following statement: "Islam and Mo..." While the rest of the message was censored by Western news agencies out of respect for non-Christian beliefs, human rights watchdogs at HRRTM claim that with the help of hired lip-reading and body-language experts they reconstructed Mr. Snuffy's statement, which appears to contain inflammatory hate speech. "Just as we had suspected all along," says spokesbeing for HRRTM Sarah Fulano. |
Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize
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Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas |
Jihadists Against The Troop Surge
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A new cave video released by Ayman al-Zawahiri praised the non-binding resolution against Iraq troop surge passed in the House today, describing it as a step in the right direction, while also criticizing the bill as "inadequate and meager kickback for the tremendous effort and sacrifice" al-Qaeda's had given to help the Democrats win the mid-term elections. "What in Allah's name is a non-binding resolution?" al-Qaeda's number two shouted while shaking his AK-47 in the air. "We sacrificed thousands of our best men, raising body count of US troops and Iraqi bystanders to unprecedented numbers so that you could work your ungodly media polls to win the House and the Senate. And now you're basically telling us that 'the check is in the mail'? Really? If our IEDs were as symbolic and non-binding as your resolution, Pelosi wouldn't be your speaker. The question that many Jihadists are asking today is, can we trust the Democrats?" |
Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up Jihadis
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by Willie Nelson and Laika The Space Dog Terrorists ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold. |
Muslim-Friendly TV Line-up & Permissible Music
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Once the Democrats take charge in January, bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to Sharia Law pretty quick. It will not be voluntary - but it can be made smooth and painless with the use of re-educational TV programming. The American masses won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't notice the transition to socialist values in the past, due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up: |
Saddam Writes Book 'If I Had WMDs'
 "I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows it the way I know it," Hussein writes in the publisher's release. |
Saddam Hussein, a long-term admirer of OJ Simpson's life story, has most recently followed his icon's example, releasing a shocking new book titled If I Had Weapons Of Mass Destruction, in which he outlines how his illegal weapons would have been hidden - if he had them. The controversy surrounding Saddam Hussein's removal from power surfaced again this week when, just in time for November television sweeps, former Iraqi leader revealed that he will participate in a two-part Fox television special and release a book that will give a "bone-chilling account" of how he could have moved the WMDs to Syria using advisors from the Russian intelligence. |
Borat And Iranian President A TV Spoof?
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REVISITING BORAT It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism." Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!" |
Al-Qaeda Leader Welcomes Democrats For Lunch
 Abu Ayyub al-Masri |
Three days after a midterm election that put Democrats in charge of Capitol Hill, a tone of conciliation continued as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, commander of al-Qaeda in Iraq, welcomed Democratic leaders for lunch, saying he looked forward to working with them in a bipartisan way on issues they have in common. Noting that al-Masri and Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid have similar views about Bush, the al-Qaeda leader commented, "We tend to speak the same language." Harry Reid of Nevada agreed: "We will not rest until we crush Bush and his cronies through a constructive, bipartisan jihad." |
BBC Adopts Sharia Policies, Stones Gay Staff
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The BBC has recently come out of the closet, admitting that its executives, reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being insensitive to their anti-gay cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts. |
Apple Mecca: Open Letter to Radical Muslim Politburo
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Dear radical Muslim comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could ever have in the great patriotic war against American Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship, even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate insult to Islam (because it resembles your big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane, it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how good allies treat one another. Yes, our cube-shaped Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it must have regular stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary conditions. |
Byzantine Emperor Apologizes to Muslims For Quote
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In the view of some historians, the Pope's recent apology to enraged Muslims over use of a quote written by Manuel II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a striking similarity with a similar apology delivered more than 600 years ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself to offended Muslim armies after they ransacked his Christian country, converted its citizens to Islam, and beheaded or enslaved those who resisted the forced conversions. In a public speech made shortly after the quote first appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II apologized to the Islamic community that besieged his controversial "Byzantine entity." |
Prominent Muslims: Why Do They Hate Us?
by Dr. Salima al-Kurgman Muslims protesters: "Is it because we didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because our lousy plastic recycling program?" |
Ever since the confrontation between the West and Islam began, the question "Why do they hate us?" has been topping the Frequently Asked Questions charts among Western leaders and intellectuals, tormenting minds and souls of the Western populace prone to introspection. Considering the magnitude of the problem, we have assumed that the same question similarly torments the minds of prominent Muslims in the lands of Islam. And indeed, our special Bridge-Building survey has determined that from Saudi Arabia to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls of the prestigious Islamic universities and government palaces, prominent Muslims are asking the same questions: "Why us? Why the terror alert system? Why security checks at airports?" |
Khatami In Harvard: Mullahs and Liberals Not That Different!
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While former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's visit to the land of The Great Satan is welcomed by all progressive sleeper cells inside this country, his message of tolerance and moderation has become an object of vicious attacks from such hate groups as the Episcopal Church, the Jewish Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney's office. The controversy is largely fueled by Mullah Khatami's planned visits to Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia University, and the University of Virginia for a round of introspective talks and consultations aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. The former Iranian leader is also expected to share his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity for the Greater Good™. |
Conflict In Lebanon For Dummies
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As the great progressive leader Joseph Stalin may have said, "It's not what really happens, it's what we write about it that matters." We can never underestimate the importance of proper screening of individuals who narrate history for the masses - from news services and talk shows to school teachers and entertainers. To our credit we have a firm grip on all of the above. One of the most prominent members of the academic community in this respect is Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD, who has kindly written for the People's Cube a brief yet masterful summary of the recent conflict in the Middle East. Not only does it correctly capture the way the events were covered by world's progressive media, it is also destined to enter the annals of history as the sole unquestionable resource for social scientists of the future. |
'Twas the Night Before Miraj
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Gather round Young Pioneers and Little Jihadis and let Aunt Laika tell you a poem. Now in the decadent West, they have a myth about Santa Claus and Reindeers that can fly. We all know that is not true and even if it was true, Santa Claus would be an enemy of the state because he keeps elves as slaves and beats the Reindeer with whips. The ACLU and PETA would have sued him and his fat, jolly butt would be in the slammer. Now in the progressive Islamic Republics, especially Iran, there is The Prophet and Bourak. Bourak is half man and half flying horse and the Prophet flies on his back to the farthest mosque (Jerusalem), heaven and hell, and the houses of misery and happiness. This is done on the night as what is known on the infidel calendar as August 22, and true believers call this the Miraj. |
Hezbo-Laa-Laa: Cute Little Terrortubby
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In an effort to finalize the portrayal of Hezbollah as a benevolent band of misunderstood peasant warriors, and to foster acceptance of other cultures, the BBC retooled its cutest Teletubby character named Laa-laa into Hezbo-Laa-Laa. Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana with the motto "From cradle to grave" written in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled nails and rat poison, this cute and cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show European and American kids that beyond its desire to exterminate the Jew, Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate that will tend to your social needs through a strong presence in the big, generous government! |
More Media Icons Join Struggle To Reform News
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Successful field trials of our Flat Fatima product and glowing reports from leading news agencies have prompted us to develop new cutout models to diversify emotional impact of reporting and target broader demographics. The struggle to revolutionize news media by purging it from such bourgeois concepts as truth and objectivity will now be joined by Jamal Sixpack, Harry Helmet, Charlie Chair, Lou the Looter, Torched Peugeot from the French riots, and other media icons including Che Guevara (monochrome models only). Generate hard-hitting reporting by mounting Popular Media Figures™ individually or in groups in front of a burning garbage dump and get that Pulitzer you've always wanted! |
Flat Fatima - Revolution In News Photography
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Having learned of the growing trend at Reuters, BBC, and other progressive media to doctor photographs, stage events, and use choreographed footage in the best Pallywood traditions, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment center decided to make it even easier for news organization to re-educate their audiences and advance the Greater Good™.
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Historians: Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Was Overreaction
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Europe 's view of the present Israeli offensive against Hezbollah as an "overreaction" and "disproportionate use of force" is rooted in relatively recent history, say progressive researchers. In 1943, Europe itself suffered from a similar Jewish overreaction to some controversial German policies, in an event known as the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, when Zionist radicals attacked the National Socialist German Workers Party that was loved by the German people for its far-reaching educational and social welfare services. In fact, many academics who teach Peace Studies at prestigious universities believe that it was the Zionists' "disproportionate use of force" that had ruined hopes for peace in Europe and caused a humanitarian crisis that could have easily be avoided if only Jews had shown restraint and tolerance towards the democratically elected German government. |
Conflict in The Middle East: Progressive Solutions
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Now that we have identified the problems of the Middle East, it is now time to present high-powered academic solutions to this crisis. And whereas the average policy maker is hard-pressed to find a single solution, I, with my vast intelligence, have developed seven solutions: 1) Establish Scientific Socialism. The tranquility of the late Soviet Union can be easily moved to the Middle East -- with the assistance of a violent revolution to terminally smash the ruling class and establish a workers' paradise where everyone will be the equal of everyone else, and everything we need will be free. Why can't the entire Middle East be like a People-of-Color version of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea? There are no wars among the Korean people! |
Conflict in The Middle East: A Progressive History
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From the beginning of time, there was a place called "Palestine" which was inhabited exclusively by the biggest gift to humankind: Palestinians. Their culture flourished, their peaceful people prospered, and their model nation was to become the jewel of the world. Their language was Arabic, their religion was Muslim (pronounced "MOOZ-lem"), but regrettably, all evidence of their governments, their currency, their laws, their scientific, technological, philosophical, and
artistic accomplishments were destroyed. By whom? Keep reading. |
Martyr Toys For Jewish Kids Set To Win Media Sympathies
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Having analyzed world media sympathies towards Muslim radicals who teach their young to lace their suicide belts with screws and rat poison to inflict maximum carnage in a crowd of infidels, a desperate Jewish manufacturer of educational toys has launched a " Jewish Martyr Babies" marketing campaign, which they hope will finally make Reuters, BBC, CNN, and other networks view the Jewish experiencehave more favorably. They now offer their customers anthrax yarmulke, razor-wire-lined tallit, exploding gartel, strangling attarah, metal-piercing dreidels, and other novelty items that are "fun, educational, and lethal." A sample lineup of Jewish Martyr Toys and mission statement from the manufacturer's website: |
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The New York Times Shows Bush Who's The Boss
The Bush administration and The New York Times are again at odds over national security, this time with new exposures of the administration's immoral attempts to protect imperialist America from heroic Islamic freedom fighters. In today's issue the fearless NYT showed the world how the militaristic US government was co-opting major capitalist financial institutions to track global financial transfers. The message this sends is clear - give up, George Bush! Protecting America is a useless task when you face the glorious destructive force of progressive media! America must be destroyed! It is a historical inevitability whose time has come! |
Al Zarqawi: Advancing Progress No More
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Another leader of social progress has been murdered by American war criminals today. The Left lost a prominent comrade who helped us fight US imperialism at home and abroad. Every glorious beheading and school bus explosion he committed was cherished by human rights activists as another proof of the cynical nature of the Bush administration. RECOMMENDED HEADLINES
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BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!
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By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you! |
Islamic People's Fools Day
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The Party frowns on humor and jokes unless they (1) help advance class struggle (ridicule the enemy and reveal the follies of capitalism; and (2) help the masses resist oppression while raising awareness (see Doonesbury, Jon Steward, etc .). While joking, one must always err on the side on caution - for "humor" is, by its nature, connected to the archaic bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox thinking." Humor is often indistinguishable from lies - and we know that the concept of lies was invented by the ruling class of oppressors as a tool to deceive and exploit the oppressed (see Karl Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses"). |
Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town
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We are starting a new section for children - Hammer & Popsickle - where the nation's young ones can get indoctrinated, in an entertaining and subliminal manner, about the romanticism of class struggle and the evils of capitalism. Our first installment explains why Iran has the right to build nuclear weapons in order to wipe two illegitimate entities, Israel and the United States, off the face of the Earth. Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town is a sing-along version of the famous carol (with a great rendition playing on the background). The Islamic Republic of Iran's governing council of mullahs and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also believe in Santa Claus - only in their Shi'ite creed Santa is called the 12th Imam, known as the Mahdi.... |
Angry Muslims Protest Bush-Hitler Comparisons
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Muslim protests erupted worldwide this week after a high school teacher in Colorado compared Bush to Hitler. "It is a crime in Sharia law to insult Hitler (PBUH)!" stated Abdul Ali Aziz in a Muslim street interview. "We have been listening to this kind of blasphemy from the Left ever since the Zionist puppet Bush got elected. The infidel teacher must be tortured and beheaded!" Rage against the besmirching of Adolf Hitler's name poured out across the Muslim world on Saturday, with aggrieved believers calling for the execution of those involved, storming buildings, and setting European and American flags afire. |
Islam's Struggle Against Cartoon Terrorism
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Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself. The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before. Ahmed Jihad of the Soros-funded charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly stated that "This is the end of a tenuous peace between Muslims and Infidels, with only the occasional beheading, open market suicide bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission." |
Muslim Riots Spread to Amish, Hare Krishnas, Jews, Others
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The French Muslim riots, caused by an uncontrollable reaction to poverty, racism, and a profound sense of alienation from the larger society, have recently inspired some American groups who share very similar grievances, to use mass violence as a means of gaining recognition and respect. As low income also immediately translates into uncontrollable violence, the first American neighborhoods to start rioting were the Chinatowns. Realizing that Chinatowns are among the poorest parts of the country, community leaders have encouraged the use of violence to raise the material wealth -- and self-esteem -- of the residents. |
Hare Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks and dissing while working our asses off at major airports for little or no pay. Enough is enough! We demand state-enforced conversions and equal redistribution of faith and donations!"
Marxists Riot over Desecration of Their Holy Book
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Violent protests erupted yesterday among faculty members on American and European campuses, accompanied by massive looting, flag-burning, and clashes with riot police, after Newsweek magazine published a report stating that a U.S. interrogator desecrated Das Kapital. The holy book of an estimated 1.5 billion world's Marxists was allegedly flushed down the toilet in order to humiliate and demoralize a progressive human rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne Stewart. Deans, heads of departments, professors, and assistant professors marched in the streets holding portraits of Karl Marx, chanting revolutionary slogans, tearing up American flags, burning effigies of George Bush and David Horowitz, and threatening to suspend those students who didn't join them in their righteous protest. On Berkeley campus a gigantic bonfire consumed all available copies of books by Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh,
Mark Levin, and other conservative authors that could be found in the library and local bookstores. The rioters were being spontaneously joined by groups of trial lawyers, progressive journalists, and union leaders. |
Radical Islam Surrenders to Progressivism
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The War on Terror has entered a new successful stage once the US field commanders began to force the enemy units to comply with the same government-imposed rules and restrictions that the US Army increasingly faces on a daily basis. One man, identified only as a "Soldier for Allah" explained, "We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called 'Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions' where they lectured us on matters such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural Identity." and "Environmental Racism." For the love of Allah (peace be upon him and his messenger, the Prophet Muhammad), even in Saddam's prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!" |
ACLU and al Qaeda: Possible Split?
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Rumors of a possible split between leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been fueled by an increased chatter level over the past few weeks, as follows from these interoffice memos obtained by our field operative at ACLU headquarters, in New York. * * * From: ACLU Board of Directors Dear Sir: In your videotaped statement broadcast by al-Jazeera Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri looks like a respectable statesman who appreciates reasonable dialogue. As such, we hope you will address our grievances for the sake of our common goal, which we know you still believe in... |
Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End
 Sharon: "It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct." |
Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week." "My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago." |
Coalition of the Gloating: No Hurricane Relief for USA!
 The day after Hurricane Katrina smashed into eastern Louisiana and western Mississippi, leaving a swath of devastation comparable to some of the worst in history, a multi-national coalition formed for the express purpose of discouraging countries from providing any relief aid to the beleaguered inhabitants of the Gulf Coast.
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Osama to Cindy: Will You Be My 37th Wife?
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A new video released today on al Jazeera captivated not only regulars enticed by displays of flying body parts and beheadings, but drew in scores of reality TV aficionados, many of whom wept tears of sympathetic tenderness.Iran Nuke Destroys Cleveland, Nobody Cares
 Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city." |
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things. "Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?" In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce..." |
Jihadists Against Bag Searches
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?" "They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties. I better send another big check to ACLU - that is, if I don't wind up with both of my arms torn off in a blast." |
ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off
 When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our heads off? |
Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.
In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition... |
Rangel: Let's Give al-Qaeda a Fair Chance
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In a new display of fairness and lack of partisanship, Rep. Charles B. Rangel has come up with an initiative to grant US citizenship equally to both the families of the US soldiers killed in the Middle East and to those families whose sons are fighting against the U.S.-led coalition in the region. "We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both sides," the U.S. lawmaker said. |
Right-Wing Muslims For Bush?
 Muslim neoconservatives |
WASHINGTON, D.C. May 14th, 2005. Our reporter attends a rally held by Free Muslims Against Terrorism at Freedom Plaza on Pennsylvania Ave. So what happened? The Washington Post has this short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red Square in it). C-Span has this full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The Autonomist has this report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators' ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition of Muslims. We will tell you who Muslims ought to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with the good news of a toilet accident at Newsweek. Who are Free Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits? A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burning American flag... |
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Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'
Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash
California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit
BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican
California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge
Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir
Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record
Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist
Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative
Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations
Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama
NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy
HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack
Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth
Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"
Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached
Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated
International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men
Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry
AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation
Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected
West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia
BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan
DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls
Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm
Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones
Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists
Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America
CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees
Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school
Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen
Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves
HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires
San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws
Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk
With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity
California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints
Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco
Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming
Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies
San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag
BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism
Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution
BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer
IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case
Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"
Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry
Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion
MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border
BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania
Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations
Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional
New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name
Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens
Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead
Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritasâ„¢ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'
TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist
RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma
Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble
This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding
Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline
Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'
Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles
Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows
Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system
DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights
Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure
Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump
Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia
CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes
ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers
When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was
CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry
Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'
BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.
DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago
Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same
BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private
DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia
BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia
Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds
Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses
BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved
Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day​ official holiday
Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do
Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate
Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated
Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play
"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"
Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in
"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"
Schoolchildren jailed for building only white snowmen
Obama's reckless attacks on Russia serve as recruitment tool to create more Russian hackers
Hillary: "I lost, so I'm going to follow our democratic traditions, poison the wells, and scorch the earth"
Children in Venezuela cook and eat their Christmas toys
Hillary: "I can hack Russia from my bathroom"
Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" ("Pravda" for Russian speakers)
BREAKING: Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary's private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom
New York Times: Fidel Castro world's sexiest corpse
After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro
Post-election shopping tip: look for the PoliticsFree label at your local grocer to make sure you don't buy from companies that don't want your business anymore
In Hillary's America, email server scrubs you
Obama transfers his Nobel Peace Prize to anti-Trump rioters
Democrats blame Hillary's criminal e-mail server for her loss, demand it face prison
Afraid of "dangerous" Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground
Clinton Foundation in foreclosure as foreign donors demand refunds
Hillary Clinton blames YouTube video for unexpected and spontaneous voter uprising that prevented her inevitable move into the White House
Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump's electoral victory
FBI director Comey delighted after receiving Nobel Prize for Speed Reading (650,000 emails in one week)
U.N. deploys troops to American college campuses in order to combat staggeringly low rape rates
Responding to Trump's surging poll numbers, Obama preemptively pardons himself for treason
Following hurricane Matthew's failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually
Tim Kaine takes credit for interrupting hurricane Matthew while debating weather in Florida
Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote
The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush
Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food
Breaking: the Clinton Foundation set to investigate the FBI
Obama ​​captures rare Pokémon ​​while visiting Hiroshima
Movie news: 'The Big Friendly Giant Government' flops at box office; audiences say "It's creepy"
Barack Obama: "If I had a son, he'd look like Micah Johnson"
White House edits Orlando 911 transcript to say shooter pledged allegiance to NRA and Republican Party
President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'
Following Obama's 'Okie-Doke' speech, stock of Okie-Doke soars; NASDAQ: 'Obama best Okie-Doke salesman'
Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber
Experts: melting Antarctic glacier could cause sale levels to rise up to 80% off select items by this weekend
Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line
As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards
John Kasich self-identifies as GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom
Upcoming Trump/Kelly interview on FoxNews sponsored by 'Let's Make a Deal' and 'The Price is Right'
News from 2017: once the evacuation of Lena Dunham and 90% of other Hollywood celebrities to Canada is confirmed, Trump resigns from presidency: "My work here is done"
Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign
Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning 2009
National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman
National Enquirer: Bound delegates from Colorado, Wyoming found in Ted Cruz’s basement
Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response
Women across the country cheer as racist Democrat president on $20 bill is replaced by black pro-gun Republican
Federal Reserve solves budget crisis by writing itself a 20-trillion-dollar check
Widows, orphans claim responsibility for Brussels airport bombing
Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first
Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina." Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer
Campaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' vote
New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"
Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president
Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two
Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence
Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men
In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas
TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'
Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"
University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities
Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island
Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state"
Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy
State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery
NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget
College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action
ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios
Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic
'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break
ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood
Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans
Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people
Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need
John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side
Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone
John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend
Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles
State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider
Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons
Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations
Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'
NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
"Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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