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The People's Cube Archive: January - December 2007
Mother Page » 2019 » 2018 » 2017 » 2016 » 2015 » 2014 » 2013 » 2012 » 2011 » 2010 » 2009 » 2008 » 2007 » 2006 » 2005Christmas in History: First Media Reports of Nativity Story
How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The People's Cube prepared the following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources, which should help our readers to form an unbiased opinion of what really happened in the days surrounding the so-called Christmas.
© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.
MORE >>The People's Cube Pwns Iranian Propaganda
An open letter to the Islamic Republic of IranDear Iranian Mullahs! While our satirical website and your Propaganda Directorate deal in the same trade of making up facts and exaggerating reality, we are different in that we can recognize a spoof - but you apparently can't. On Dec. 27, 2007 you used our spoof image on your propaganda website to illustrate a "true" statement that Jews are welcome in Iran and that Western reports about mass emigration of Iranian Jews are "lies spread by the Zionist hegemony."
MORE >>Merry Christmas Solstice Holiday MarXmas!
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Visit our special "Merry Solstice" page for more holiday awareness, progressive depression, and collective self-criticism. Disturbing music and upsetting graphics from Visual Agitation Directorate will bring true holiday feeling down where it belongs with new and old material, a message from Che Guevara dressed as an elf, and new Holiday songs from the Goremon Choir: MORE >> |
Putin'08: Cooler than Obama, More Experienced than Hillary
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Having been named 'Person of the Year 2007' by an American magazine that invariably supports progressive candidates, soon-to-be Russian ex-President, Vladimir Putin, is now listening to political consultants advising him to start a vigorous campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire as the strongest candidate on the Democratic ticket in 2008. "Every Democratic contender promises to change America," says General Yezhov, a member of Putin PAC and Chairman of the Putin Presidential Exploratory Committee. "If change is what the Americans want, Putin can give it to them better than any other candidate. And trust me, it won't be some cosmetic do-over - it will be a change that's final and irreversible. We challenge all the activists who talk about change to put their money where their mouth is and support Vladimir Putin for American President." MORE >> |
Stephanopoulos Interviews Frosty the Snowperson
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Last Sunday, Frosty the Snowperson sat down with George Stephanopoulos on ABC's "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" for a heated interview that is making headlines across the nation. The People's Cube has obtained a transcript: |
Iowa Man Sues Clintons For Mental Whiplash
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(DES MOINES, IOWA) A middle-age Iowa voter has filed a $12 million lawsuit against both Hillary and Bill Clinton for mental whiplash. According to papers filed yesterday in Iowa's Supreme Court, Andrew Wynehart has asked that the Clintons compensate him for lost wages, medical bills and emotional distress as a result of a series of mental injuries sustained repeatedly over the last six weeks. These injuries, termed "mental whiplash," have been defined by Wynehart's lawyers as, "the coherent, unexpected misdirection of the brain leading to cranial blur." MORE >> |
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PeopleSpeak™: A Viable Alternative To F-WordsIt has come to the Party's attention that that some of us still use F-words on the People's Cube forums and in private lives - including even high-ranking Party members, as our surveillance tapes indicate. This calls for an emergency intervention. Sensitivity Training #1: PeopleSpeak™ vs F-Words MORE >> |
"Offended Muslim Syndrome" Symptoms & Self-Help Groups
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Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam. MORE >> |
Today's Special Guest: FUNNIMETRIC
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A Special Statement on the Clinton Campaign Hostage Crisis
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TO ALL PRESS ORGANS |
Planting With the Clintons For The Common Good
MORE >>
Classical Art Exposed As Hoax
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Shockwaves are reverberating throughout the art world following the amazing discovery of abstract ancient Greek statues and paintings that resemble today's modern art and apparently are its long-lost forerunners. "This finally proves my theory that the so-called 'aesthetically pleasing' 'classical art' with its 'proportions' and 'perfection' is a fraud and never really existed," says Columbia University professor Dan Browny. "It is a scientific fact now, that art has always been about a random grouping of disturbing shapes that required no special skills or training, and that intent is more important than result." MORE >> |
Hillary Beaten, Jailed For Anti-Bush Activities
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IOWA - A day after Russian police beat up and arrested the opposition leader Garry Kasparov, the Bush Administration followed suit and ordered a beating and arrest of Hillary Clinton, Ushanka news agency reports. Former First Lady Hillary Clinton was picked up and sentenced to five days in prison on Sunday, during a campaign stop in Iowa that ended in clashes with police. One of Bush's harshest critics, she was charged with organizing an unsanctioned procession, chanting pro-Big-Government slogans and resisting arrest, court documents said. MORE >> |
Thanksgiving Tip: How to Stuff a Turkey
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Progressive Thanksgiving Prayer: Blessing of the Taxes
This year's secular Thanksgiving prayer was written bythe People's Economist Professor Kurgman, PhD,PhD,PhD
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As much as I abhor Christianity, I occasionally attend progressive churches in my community - as long as the pastor expounds on socialism and its variants like environmental causes, and the rights of the oppressed masses of gays, wymyn, African-Americans, Palestinians, Hugo Chavez, and Hezbollah. Our local pastor, thank Lenin, rarely talks about anything else. He even asked me, a Marxist, to compose a prayer for this week's Thanksgiving sermon. Now, everybody knows that Thanksgiving observance does nothing more than perpetuate the Holocaust of the Native American. What positive meaning could be found in such a grotesquely shameful holiday? Well, my admirable laser-sharp mind of an economist with three PhDs immediately found a brilliant, socially significant answer. I wrote a prayer thanking God for the gift of government, and thanking the government for the gift of taxes. MORE >> |
Colombian Narco-Terrorists' Struggle For Diversity
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Right-wing Gateway Pundit reports that the communist narco-terrorist group FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) released a calendar for 2007-2008 with a FARC terrorist babe on the cover and also posted "Babes of FARC" on their website promoting the people's cause. A typical American male, G. Pundit titled his post Terror Teaser: Babes of FARC Heat Up Colombian Jungle . All his dirty chauvinist mind could register was the communist version of Playboy and the sexploitation of FARC Bunnies whom he puts down to the level of imperialist Playboy Bunnies. Not so fast, comrade! Does "diversity training" ring any bells? MORE >> |
CCCP 1 (3CP1) On Your Dial: Do Not Adjust Your Set!
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Don't touch that dial, Americans! We have program for you! When a mammoth Soviet satellite infringes on the tiny SCTV orbiter (complete with hot dog rotisserie), the network is taken over by CCCP1, or "3CP1 on your dial, Russian Television." USSR programming to America is then beamed by The People's Cube predecessors from 1981-82 season of SCTV (Second City Television) in Canada (NBC in the US). The program includes the Talking Tractor... MORE >> |
PeopleMath™: All Numbers Are Equal
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In a recent post, our Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov described his "disturbing and traumatic experience" caused by a phone answering system that directed him to "press one for English" and "PRESS TWO FOR SPANISH." Being a "differently bodied" Comrade in a Jar, Betinov was outraged by this country's continued attempts to make second-class citizens out of our undocumented worker population. He then brilliantly suggested that it was demeaning always to relegate them to "number two" status, not to mention other non-English speakers. This got me thinking: why is the "number 1" always given such status? Should not all numbers be treated as equals? MORE >> |
How To Add Spin To Objective Reality With Optical Illusions
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Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise? The Australian Herald Sun presents it as the Right Brain vs Left Brain test, providing a list of the corresponding right/left brain functions. If you see the movement as clockwise, you allegedly use more of the right side and vice versa, though coming from a place where even water flushes in reverse, this can mean quite the opposite. We, however, see this optical illusion as an unexpectedly simple way to describe the complex mechanism of adding subjective spin to objective reality. It also sheds light on the darker sides of human condition and the roots of human conflicts. MORE >> |
Commissarka Pinkie Investigates Vodka Rations
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It started with an email tip from an alert worker Chris Brown: Vodka gifts from Putin's party to lure voters: "Russia's ruling party is trying to lure voters in upcoming elections with free bottles of vodka and other gifts, campaigners from two non-governmental groups said..." To be sure, our own Commisarka Pinkie volunteered to investigate... MORE >> |
Halloween: The People's Glossary™
HALLOWEEN:A progressive international holiday. On this day, in the countries of non-capitalist economic sector, workers and peasants under the leadership of Great Leaders commemorate all the dead communists who, in the name of human progress, died at the hands of other communists as well as non-communists - and also dead non-communists who died in the glorious class struggle for human progress, at the hands of communists and by non-communists alike. In the 20th century alone, victorious ideas of human progress helped hundreds of millions of people to advance from life towards death, so that new generations could enjoy even more progress in the name of advancement. GO TO THE PEOPLE'S GLOSSARY >>
Baboon Community Fights Speciism, Economic Injustice
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SOUTH AFRICA - For generations, members of the impoverished baboon community in the Cape peninsula have suffered from inequality, forced to live in deplorable conditions on the margins of the simian society with no access to education, subsidized housing, and universal healthcare - but this paradigm is about to shift. The baboons - whom scientists describe as the most economically oppressed minority among the primates - are finally fighting back, forcing homo sapiens to rethink their place in the diverse biosphere they had exploited for too long without giving back. MORE >> |
Che Guevara Captured In Baghdad Raid
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A report released by the Pentagon confirms rumors that popular international terrorist Ernesto Guevara, better known under the nickname "Che" has been captured in a safe house south of Baghdad, during a routine raid operation conducted jointly by the new Iraqi police and the US Marines. His identity was immediately established by comparing his face to one of the Che Guevara T-shirts that lay scattered around the safe house. MORE >> |
Hillary Insures Her Piano Legs for $10 Million
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(LONDON) A decade-long rumor was confirmed today when it was announced that Hillary Clinton has insured her piano legs for $10 million with Lloyds of London. Until yesterday the public had only known of Hillary's piano legs through anecdotal evidence because no known pictures of them existed. For example, in March 2006 Chris Matthews of MSNBC's Hardball called Hillary, "Dukakis in a dress," and noted that she has better calves than former Democratic Presidential nominee Michael Dukakis. MORE >> |
FROM THE PC ARCHIVES: Al Gore's Nobel Acceptance Speech
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A while ago The People's Cube obtained a draft of Al Gore's Nobel acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, with minor adjustments for the current local weather, at Oslo City Hall, where Al Gore has received a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text (a flashback from the Oscars)... MORE >> |
Putin Gets New Awesome Superpowers For His Birthday
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Did you know that the boy whom Putin kissed learned to fly? Or that Putin can browse the Internet with an abacus? Or that on his birthday critics drop dead from thinking bad thoughts about Putin? Each year spent in the Kremlin makes the Motherland's President stronger, endowing him with more superpowers unbeknownst to man. For years, Party-approved rumors about Putin's supernatural abilities have been spreading over the internet in the Mother tongue. To translate them into the language of soulless capitalist oppressors is an idea whose time has come! If not now, when? MORE >> |
Kosovo Delegation Kills Serbian Delegation During Talks
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A final attempt for a one-sided compromise between Serbs and Albanians on the status of Kosovo ended abruptly Wednesday, the fourth day of face-to-face negotiations in New York, when the Albanian delegation opened fire on the Serbian delegation, killing everyone. The international community condemned the resulting Serbian intransigence, but hailed the meeting as an overall success. "This is more proof that self-determination for Kosovo Albanians is the only rational solution," said American envoy Frank Wisner. President Bush announced that the so-called massacre of the Serbian delegation has made it necessary once again to bomb Serbia and teach those nationalists a lesson. MORE >> |
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40 Years Since Che Was Murdered By George W. BushCould Che be a direct descendant of Prophet Mohammed? |
"Everybody Loves Ahmadinejad" Rally & Fun Activities
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NEW YORK - Sept. 24, 2007. It was a pleasant sunny day in New York - just like the one on 9/11 six years ago. Peace activists gathered outside Columbia University to support Iranian President's speech on campus, anticipating a great leap forward towards World Peace™ and a glorious blow to American imperialism. Supporters of international socialism stood side by side with supporters of the international caliphate - against the crowd of Jews and other agents of the international Zionist conspiracy who descended on the corner of Broadway and E 116th Street to oppose Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and steal his oil. MORE >> |
Sing Along With Hillary: Do You Know The Way To Mandalay?
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Hillary Clinton and the All-Hsu Band Fame and fortune are a magnet |
Borat And Iranian President A TV Spoof?
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FROM THE PARTY ARCHIVES It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism." Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!" MORE >> |
Understanding The Holocaust: Ahmadinejad at Columbia
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NEW YORK - Columbia University president Lee Bollinger confirmed plans to go forward with a speech by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. "We are preparing some hard-ball questions that would force Iran's President to tell us more about his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity," stated Bollinger. "We are so committed to intellectual diversity that we spare no effort to silence the hate-mongering vitriol by our right-wing critics - and few people know about that more than our honored guest," Bollinger said, adding that "only an anti-intellectual bigot would oppose a speech by a distinguished Islamic scholar whose metaphysical insights into holocausts illuminate the massive genocides of the 20th century for all of us." MORE >> |
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BombGirl, TaserBoy Save World With Tantrum Powers
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"Start Warning the Jews" - Sing Along With Ahmadinejad
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Few of us realize that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is an avid singer and has been secretly practicing karaoke in an padded bunker underneath Tehran's political prison, sometimes having inmates serve as captive audience. He dresses them up as American tourists, steps into the spotlight with a mic, closes his eyes, and imagines himself singing on Broadway as the guards quietly pistol-whip the inmates to ensure continuous applause and standing ovations. Upon hearing his rendition of
the Great |
Students Shot For Asking Kerry About Skull & Bones
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University of South Carolina students attending a John Kerry speech ran for their lives as security guards opened fire on them. Nobody was hurt, but several students were trampled in the rush for the exits. Kerry aides downplayed the incident: "Do you think we'd seriously murder a bunch of college brats? We just wanted to scare them a bit; they were being insolent, asking questions about the ties between Hillary Healthcare plan and some Skull and Bones Society of which I never heard before." MORE >> |
NY Times Editor: Anti-Petraeus Ad Was An Inside Job
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The New York Times, accused of political bias for running - at a steep price discount of $102,000 - an anti-war ad insulting the top U.S. commander in Iraq, defended itself by claiming they were only giving back to the community. "When our circulation is falling and our stock is in the toilet, the last thing we need is to be blacklisted as patriots, supporters of the war against terrorists, Bush's puppets, or proponents of capitalism and free markets," a Times editor told us on condition of anonymity, explaining that 'giving back to the community' in the progressive vernacular means a kickback to an activist group for keeping someone off the black list of thoughtcriminals engaging in corporate conspiracy. MORE >> |
The People's Cube at the Gathering of Eagles III in DC
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From today's email: Komrades, I liberated your "Che is Dead" concept, and displayed it for the glorious edification of the masses at the Gathering of Eagles III, in Washington, D.C. on September 15, 2007. A number of the proletariat asked, and I have advised them to visit your site. Check out Victory Caucus and you will see the People's sign (properly attributed) under the caption "My favorite sign." MORE >> |
Good Morning Hsu Shine: People's Karaoke
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Ah..I remember those carefree days back in the Summer of 1969 when Bill and I hitchhiked to meet our new friend out at Berkeley, Norman Hsu. ~ Hillary Good morning Hsu Shine, Hillary says hello |
Color-Coded Beard Dye Formulas For Jihad Alert System
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Purple Jihad "Dye For Allah" Hair Products & Restoration. |
Bin Laden Responds to Hillary's Coded Message
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In an effort to clarify his threat-laced seven-page manifesto released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has sent a threat-laced three-page memo to Al Jazeera, to be read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like every hour on the hour. The memo seems to single out Hillary Clinton, whom Bin Laden alternatively calls either "cuckolded blond lady candidate" or "woman who should be wearing a burqa." "But we want a Democrat president as much as you do," Bin Laden continues, suggesting that al-Qaeda might, after all, adhere to Mrs. Clinton's directive and lay off the terror shortly after the primaries, when the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest. MORE >> |
Hsuicide: The People's Glossary™
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Hsuicide(noun)
"Some people have skeletons in their closet, I just have Hsus." Q: What are Hillary's favorite kind of nuts? |
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Has the Revolution scored a major point with the conversion of bin Laden to Anarcho-Trotskyism? Who's the useful idiot now? It's getting increasingly hard to tell. Wait, that didn't sound right. Let me rephrase that. In the meantime, read this expose' by a member of a dangerously extremist organization Right-Wing Muslims for Bush... MORE >> |
Approved List for Redistribution of Hsu Campaign Funds
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Here's a "laundry" list for the redistribution of loot... er... ah... campaign donations:
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LINKS OF NOTE:
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NFL Diversity Plan To Eliminate Sexism In Football
 Only a woman can add that sensitive touch so lacking in the smash-em-up mentality of the male commentators. |
After years of criticism for being a blatantly male-dominated industry, the National Football League has announced an aggressive diversity campaign aimed at ending sexism in professional football. By next season, according to the plan, 20% of all players must be female, with the percentage increasing 10% per year until it reaches the target of 50% in the 2011 season. MORE >> |
HillaryCare: Fast and Efficient
 HillaryCare professionals make a house call |
In a statement issued today Hillary Clinton mocked John Edwards's statement regarding waiting 20 years to see the doctor: "Ha...Twenty years? My health care plan calls for five minutes in the middle of the night. A simple house call by state doctors and a knock on the door at 3AM when you're given five minutes to pack one suitcase before you are taken by health care professionals to the nearest hospital if the state deems you unhealthy and not fit." |
 Letters To The Cube From A Soldier Serving In Iraq
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Failing Benchmarks Crucial To Democrat Victory: Memo
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Iraq has failed to meet most of the congressionally mandated benchmarks, says a draft of a report obtained by The People's Cube. "Overall, cure for cancer has not been found, a manned mission to Uranus is being delayed, and it is unclear whether the Iraqi government will ever install gold-plated urinals in Falujah's public toilets," the report says. The document contradicts the Bush administration's conclusion in July that the average number of Iraqi gay-pride parades in urban areas has increased. MORE >> |
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After a long absence, Mr. SnuggleBunny returns to the Cube with a vengeance! VIDEO: Let's Get Retarded! |
| Senator Larry Craig scandal? Didn't we cover it last year? Survival of the Slickest UPDATE: We actually do have something to say about it: We Are the Party of Family Values (Among Other Things) |
Hillary Employs Email Experts From Nigeria
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If you ever receive this email don't answer it. It's a scam! |
Gonzales Down, Bush Next...
COMMENTS >>
Iraqi Prime Minister Foresees An American Civil War
 Nouri al-Maliki offers Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi a last chance. |
(BAGHDAD) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki cautioned yesterday that the United States could face civil war if disunity continues among differing factions in the United States Congress. "If we can trust CNN and the Arabic edition of The New York Times , it's only a matter of time before a civil war breaks out between the red states and the blue states," Maliki said to a hushed audience of Iraqi veterans and their families, suggesting that the fanatical leaders of Congress "be ousted asswiftly as a convicted thief's left hand is separated from his arm in Saudi Arabia." MORE >> |
Have the rumors of Fidel's death been another disappointing counter-revolutionary disinformation? Will the Big Castro-Guevara Reunion Concert be postponed again?
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The Insensitive Marine
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A War Story For Our Time
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A group of Democratic senators and congressmen visiting Iraq, together with a U.S. Marine, got captured by al-Qaeda and brought to a safe house north of Baghdad. The terrorists announce they will behead the captives, but promise to grant each of them a last wish.The People's Cube Wins Poster Contest, Snubs Paris
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In the beginning of summer The People's Cube participated in a poster contest designed by the Center for Security Policy. Need we mention that we have WON? Our prize was a round trip ticket to Paris, France. Although France may be an interesting place to visit, it was not on our list of priorities as this country has already had its revolution and is successfully building socialism... MORE >> |
DISCUSSION OF NOTE:
Falling Bridges, Boobs, Bombs, and Bush
A "How-to Guide" for Progressive Guilt Projection
Fan Mail from the Oppressed Masses
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I've been receiving emails from the oppressed masses since the inception of this Party Organ. Many an exploited toiler, upon discovering the People's Cube, clicked on the "FEEDBACK" button with a calloused finger to share his/her/its excitement, to report a thoughtcrime, or to submit for re-education. Now, once we became exposed on the Rush Limbaugh show, the flow of feedback emails turned into a flood. Since this Party Organ is a collective effort, I thought I must share some of these emails with all contributing comrades. MORE >> |
Headlines From The Year 2020
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Comrades! We have consulted the ghost of our great leader, Karl Marx. He has passed on to us a prophecy of life in the People's Republic of America in the year 2020, after the Revolution will have transformed the miserable capitalist, imperialist, America into a workers' paradise. Most of the prophecy, of course, can only be shared among top Party members. But the great one has given us permission to share the following with the toiling masses. Here are some headlines from the People's newspapers over the course of the year 2020:
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Mega Dittos from the Motherland...
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If you experienced slow service starting Friday afternoon or encountered the "Service Temporarily Unavailable" screen instead of the People's Cube, it's because of Rush Limbaugh and his listeners. In addition to being mentioned on his show a few times, the link to the Cube also appeared in his newsletter and on his website... MORE >> |
Rush Limbaugh Hails the People Cube's Cartoon
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URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention workers, peasants, and toiling unwashed intelligentsia! On Monday, July 30, 2007 our Party Organ was spotted by Rush Limbaugh, the biggest neo-imperialist criminal capitalist running dog of them all. The notorious author of See I Told You So described our "Founding Fathers" illustration by saying "It's a great, great, great cartoon because this is how libs see America today." See it here: Story #7: Great Editorial Cartoon on the Founding Fathers. He thought it was a parody! NOW AVAILABLE ON A T-SHIRT: buy this T-shirt MORE >> |
People's Karaoke: Che Dude (don't make it bad)
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Music by Paul McCartney, lyrics by Laika the Space Dog Che, dude, don't be afraid |
Harry Reid to Have Giant Senate Surrender Sleepover
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Showing his more feminine side, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has yielded to the thousands of letters he had received from the readers of girl magazines Seventeen , Tiger Beat , and Teen Vogue , pleading with him that the Senate conducts a sleepover to bring about world peace. |
With caregivers like these, who needs undertakers?
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THIS DAY IN HISTORY(from the People's™ Archives)Chappaquiddick Triangle Claims Another Victim
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Hillary Comes In Third In Hot Dog Contest
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(CONEY ISLAND) Joey Chestnut's world record shattering total of 66 hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes was overshadowed by Senator Hillary Clinton's first time participation in the annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest. Mrs. Clinton, Democratic Presidential candidate, shoved down a respectable 49 hot dogs, or one for every Republican in the Senate. Although most fans were rooting for Chestnut or six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi, his Japanese rival, to win, Mrs. Clinton did have at least one fan, a woman carrying a sign, "If you become President, we'll eat hot dogs every day." MORE >> |
The Alternative Secret History of the World
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On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776. Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created. MORE >> |
Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Rosies
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Rosie O'Donnell joins Palestinian death cult. Too bad Saddam is not around to give away $25,000 cash prizes to parents of young suicide bombers. Damn you Neocons! (See Rosie's blog from June 26th, 2007 for explanation). In view of this development Laika the Space Dog has complimented its earlier masterpiece Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up Jihadis with another karaoke version, Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Rosies . |
Human Rights Group Decries Bigotry in Beheading Video
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Human rights group, Human Rights Right This Minute! (HRRTM) has condemned what it calls "inappropriate remarks bordering on racism and bigotry" that came from an English journalist Joe Snuffy as he was beheaded on a recently surfaced Al Qaeda video. The official transcript of the tape attributes to Mr. Snuffy the following statement: "Islam and Mo..." While the rest of the message was censored by Western news agencies out of respect for non-Christian beliefs, human rights watchdogs at HRRTM claim that with the help of hired lip-reading and body-language experts they reconstructed Mr. Snuffy's statement, which appears to contain inflammatory hate speech. "Just as we had suspected all along," says spokesbeing for HRRTM Sarah Fulano. MORE >> |
Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize
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Nobel Committee Rescinds Arafat's Peace Prize, Gives it to Hamas |
Big Media: Serving Depraved-Americans And Proud Of It
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If media corporations were to respect their biggest and most lucrative market - the decent, patriotic, family-oriented, hard-working Americans - wouldn't this trump the rights of every man, woman, or child who happens to be a deviant? What about the America-hating minority? What about all the degenerates, maniacs, crooks, drug addicts, perverts, and leftist radicals who are constitutionally entitled to their daily ration of filth, gore, and conspiracy theories? Have you no sympathy towards the miserable consumers of rubbish who will not go to a movie, turn on the TV, or open a magazine unless it contains smut, violence, and profanities? Who will protect the Depraved-Americans in the hour of their demise? MORE >> |
Giving Back to the Community: The People's Glossary™
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Giving back to the community: returning stolen goods to the victims of crime while admitting that businesses activity is morally reprehensible as it takes away from the community. Must be universally encouraged. The more a business "gives back to the community," the heavier the aura of shame and guilt on the one side - and the bigger the sense of entitlement on the other. For example: |
Libby Writes Children's Book, Liberals Demand Pardon
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Two recently published children's books written by convicted felon Scooter Libby prompted thousands of progressive activists to gather in front of the White House today and demand a presidential pardon for Libby, Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff who is serving two years in federal prison for "not covering up a crime he didn't commit." "I don't know why a beautiful person like Scooter Libby is in prison while others are free to roam the streets, selling gasoline and trans-fats," said Ed Asner, spokes-sentient-being for the group. MORE >> |
Will Jack Sparrow's Magic Compass Help Pelosi?
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You must be registered to take this poll. That, or just jump across the southern border and run straight to the polling place. |
Poll: Help Nancy Pelosi choose the right policy
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THIS WEEK IN PEOPLE'S HYPOCRISY:
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Memorial Day At The Cube
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They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat... WHO ARE THEY? CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT >> |
Boris Yeltsin's Lessons for America (In Two Parts)
Oleg Atbashian strikes again at the progressive thought, tactics, and ammunition at PJMDifferent Symptoms, Same Paranoia
Russia Too Had Yeltsin Derangement SyndromeLessons for the American progressives:
 DISCUSS >> |
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Boris Yeltsin: Lessons for America (Part One)
Boris Yeltsin: Lessons for America (Part Two)
English Lord Throws Support For Don Imus
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From: Lord Reginald Higgenbotham III Esq. Dear Mr. Imus, I really cannot seem to fathom what this big row is all about. Why would anyone get distraught regarding your observation of a small number of nappy-headed hoes? Tut tut! What has gotten into you Yanks? I say, so what! If some young birds like to wear nappies (or as you Americans say "diapers") on their heads, what is so bloody "racist" about the mere mention of it? I submit that wearing nappies on one's head sounds a bit queer, but unless this is some twisted version of "A Clockwork Orange" that has gone horribly awry, I cannot comprehend what the entire ruckus is about. MORE >> |
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Tenet: New Findings, Bush Interned Japanese
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In a most explosive and damning new book by George Tenet about his trials and tribulations with the Bush Administration comes the newest, most shocking revelation: George W Bush pushed FDR beyond his better judgement to use preemptive tactics against innocent Japanese Americans by taking away their right of habeas corpus, to legal defense, to free speech; to all Constitutional rights. Japanese internment was all George W Bush's idea. MORE >> |
Official May Day Address 2007
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Annual Transmission to Toiling Masses on occasion of May 1st International Workers' Solidarity Day Delivered by Laika the Space Dog, Member of Politburo, Friend of Progressive People Workers, peasants, and the unwashed toiling intelligentsia! < prolonged applause > Congratulations on surviving another glorious year of Revolution! This year we witnessed the collapse of the Republican Capitalist voting system! For the first time since 1994 no voting irregularities were reported in the mainstream media. The record turnout of dead voters, whom we like to call "necro-proxies of progress" has given the Democratic Socialists an absolute mandate to do whatever they damn well please in both The House of Representatives and The Senate. The absolutist rule of the
Democratic majority shall bury the silly idea of a "republic" once and for all. Oh yes! We will bury you! |
Everybody Wants To Kill Bush
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A lesson in instant gratification went bad when a New York high-school freshman's remark about assassinating President Bush earned him a visit from the Secret Service, prompting a loud outcry from the educational community. "I don't know where this President is taking our country if a student can no longer openly express his idealistic aspirations and make a difference," says English teacher who oversaw the publication of the student magazine that printed the boy's statement. The comment about shooting the president to become "a national hero" appeared under a section titled, "How long does it take to live?" in which students answered questions of how they would spend their last 24 hours alive before attempting to assassinate George Bush. MORE >> |
Virginia Tech Shooter's Phantom Grievances
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Could PROGRESSIVE education have aggravated Va. Tech psycho's madness? This author thinks YES!!!
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Justice Souter To Invoke Eminent Domain In Tehran
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Inspired by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's independent diplomatic trip to Syria, Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court David H. Souter suggested Tuesday that he may also take independent diplomatic trips to the remainder of the "Axis of Evil" countries, and deliver his own message to Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il. Justice Souter plans on his message to be "unique", "inspiring" and a "media-frenzy" which will completely muddle any previous messages sent from President Bush and Speaker Pelosi. "If there's no longer one branch of government that shapes our foreign relations," Souter told the reporters, "how come we in the Supreme Court can't also have our own foreign diplomatic trips? The Constitution defines three branches of government - the Congress, the President, and the Courts - and I insist that I and other Justices have equal rights in formulating and advancing our independent foreign policies on par with the Speaker and the President." MORE >> |
A NEW DEFINITION OF "MEDIA WHORE":
Mayor Newsome loves the media and the media loves him backA lesson for beginning reporters who want to change the world: if you want to get San Francisco Mayor's attention, show him a dildo. Make a difference!
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Was this a Freudian slip - or is it what true love looks like? Watch Mayor Newsome simulate oral sex on a reporter's microphone while answering a question about patient deaths at Laguna Honda Hospital in San Francisco. "Death means nothing to me as long as we continue to love each other!" Mayor Newsome added, prompting friendly smiles and laughter. There are many ways to display affection between loving partners besides mounting each other. A love story between Mayor Newsome and the media has always been an endearing one, but now their mutual passion has reached a new progressive level, transgressing the boundaries of old bourgeois morality. MORE >> |
April 1: The People Cube's Two (2) Year Anniversary!
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The Cube is off to Las Vegas for a Party-style celebration of the suffering masses (report to follow). For those of you whose rations aren't sufficient enough to join us in Vegas, here's a list of Party-Approved Greatest Hits published during the glorious two years (in chronologicval order). They should cheer you up. |
| APRIL FOOLS DAY IN PEOPLE'S CUBE HISTORY |
International Workers Fools Day |
Islamic Fools Day |
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US Military To Use Democrat Attack Strategies In Iraq
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BAGHDAD - The recent gains by US military in Iraq appear to be the result of a new approach that copies attack strategies used by the Democrats against Republicans in Washington. "Relentless, unprovoked, ungrounded, and indiscriminate attacks for the sake of attacking - whoever, whatever, whenever - have sent the enemy cowering into the deepest holes, immobilized with panic and despair. Impressed by such a resounding success, the Pentagon is now trying to adapt the same strategy to fight insurgency in Iraq," U.S. Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Friday. MORE >> |
Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!
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It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive. MORE >> |
Beltway Bordello: Madam To Sell List Of Political Whores
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The famous Beltway bordello that was shut down after 13 years of impeccable service last October is now fighting back with a vengeance. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey and her lawyer claim their business was in no way different from the generally accepted liberal practices of simulating love and compassion for the downtrodden with the purpose of amassing large fortunes and obtaining power. "Shutting down a bordello in Washington, D.C. equates to the criminalization of the liberal lifestyle and politics of progressivism," says Madam's civil lawyer, stating that sex workers are being unfairly singled out from the general Beltway population of politicians, lobbyists, media celebrities, news editors, journalists, and special interest groups. MORE >> |
Global Warming Vodka: Cheap Alternative Solution
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Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid®as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites: Corn ethanol based |
Hillary Sings: Look Away Dixie Land
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Well I went down South to the land of cotton, Chorus: |
DISCUSS>>
Rush Limbaugh Discovers Tomb of Rugged Individual
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On the heels of James Cameron's discovery of a tomb with the remains of Jesus came an announcement by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh that he had discovered a coffin with the remains of another historical character that many social scientists consider a mythical creature - the Rugged Individual. But while Mr. Cameron's findings strike at the heart of the basic tenets of Christianity, Mr. Limbaugh's discovery is meant to strike at the very heart of progressive faith that denies the existence of a self-sufficient Individual who can survive without the government handouts, regulations, and oversight. MORE >> |
Oscars 2007: Notes From The Politburo
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On behalf of The People™, the Party, and the Politburo we express our satisfaction with the Film Academy for staying within the constrains of the narrowly defined Party line while delivering a correct set of Party-approved talking points to the knuckle-dragging American public at the Oscars this Sunday. Some comrades have voiced concerns about this year's lack of inspiring progressive rhetoric, but please remember that the Democrat victory in Congress has marked the beginning of a new era of lukewarm tepidness, which calls for lukewarm and tepid shows in life, politics, and television. The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly that. The polarizing times of Michael Moore are over. Hollywood has been given a new assignment - to soothe and desensitize the previously torn and deliberately wounded nation, reuniting it under the banner of moderation, centrism, multiculturalism, socialism, alternative lifestyles, and Global Warming. MORE >> |
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Al Gore's Oscar/Nobel Acceptance Speech (Draft)
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The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech: MORE >> |
Jihadists Against The Troop Surge
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A new cave video released by Ayman al-Zawahiri praised the non-binding resolution against Iraq troop surge passed in the House today, describing it as a step in the right direction, while also criticizing the bill as "inadequate and meager kickback for the tremendous effort and sacrifice" al-Qaeda's had given to help the Democrats win the mid-term elections. "What in Allah's name is a non-binding resolution?" al-Qaeda's number two shouted while shaking his AK-47 in the air. "We sacrificed thousands of our best men, raising body count of US troops and Iraqi bystanders to unprecedented numbers so that you could work your ungodly media polls to win the House and the Senate. And now you're basically telling us that 'the check is in the mail'? Really? If our IEDs were as symbolic and non-binding as your resolution, Pelosi wouldn't be your speaker. The question that many Jihadists are asking today is, can we trust the Democrats?" MORE >> |
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BUY NEW PEOPLE'S STICKER!
Be Famous And Die Early
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Anna Nicole Smith has died in a South Florida hospital after being discovered unconscious in her hotel room. She was 39. |
Activist Lawsuit: God Guilty of Malicious Climate Change
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Fight against climate change has taken a new dimension Monday as a new legal defense group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), initiated international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and Global Warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur. "For many years enviro-activists, spearheaded by Al Gore and financed by trial lawyers, have been pointing to human greed, oil industries, and Western capitalism-based societies as the main causes of Global Warming," said SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director, Peacedove Handwring at a press conference. "While all these factors are a fine cause for international insurance litigation, the primary culprit of climate change that is more powerful and more difficult to deal with, has so far escaped attention of our lawyers. That culprit is God." MORE >> |
Berkeley Dreams of Abu Ghraib: Circle of Fantasy Violence
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On January 29, 2007, the progressive visitors of Berkeley and San Francisco lined up at the Doe Library on the University of California campus to enjoy a poetic rendition of the kind of stuff that's happening in their bedrooms on weekends (minus cocaine). The topic of ABBA Ghraib has already been discussed on the Cube: we theorized about a torture chamber where detainees with tied feet are forced to listen to a looped tape of Dancing Queen for hours on end, unable to even as much as tap their feet to the fabulous rhythm. Pictures don't usually render sounds, but this talented painter's S&M fantasies do bring up certain echoes of the erstwhile Village People hits. I wonder how many of the Berkeley and San Francisco attendees secretly thanked the artist for giving them fresh ideas they could re-enact later that night at the bath house. MORE >> |
One Man's Reuters Is Another Man's Al-Jazeera
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Who hasn't heard that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" - a relatively moral axiom employed by Reuters and other progressive news agencies? Very few, however, realize that it was modeled on an earlier idiom - "one man's trash is another man's treasure" - which, being a legitimate pearl of people's wisdom, lends some of its gloss to Reuters' counterfeit product. We like to call it "truth by association": if it sounds like what we believe is true, it probably is true. The propaganda value of this logical device cannot be overstated - but it must be handled with caution, lest someone writes: "one man's Reuters is another man's Party organ" or "one man's head is another man's hole in the ground." That's why, as a public service, we are offering an exercise designed to teach the masses to generate quality "truths" in bulk and on the fly, without thinking. One man's truth is another man's invention, everything is a matter of opinion, and one man's opinion is another man's truth. PLAY THE GAME >> |
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Hillary's Presidential Message (Reading Btwn The Lines)
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Highlights: |
Democrats To Build Invincible Maginot Line Around U.S.
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Democrat leaders agree: our soldiers won't be safe until they've pulled back behind a Wall of Safety around the U.S.A. In the years ahead, as world's freedom fighters fill the vacuum created by our strategic pull-back to the States, you - citizens of the no longer imperialist America - can sleep easy. The Democrats in Congress will keep you, your children, and your loved ones safe behind an impenetrable wall of iron, an American Maginot Line of defense that will encircle our country bristling with guns and bombs.
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Republican Girls Do Wal-Mart
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Class enemy exposes its capitalist leanings. |
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Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up Jihadis
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by Willie Nelson and Laika The Space Dog Terrorists ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold. |
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Cuban Doctors: Imperialist Embargo Is Killing Fidel
 Socialized Medicine a Triumph of the Revolution |
Habana, Cuba -- Called to task by Fidel Castro to explain themselves for botching several operations on the 80 year old Cuban President, his surgeons have taken the unprecedented action of holding a news conference to explain to the world President Castro's medical condition. Chief Surgeon Rafael Bernardo of the Cuban Escuela Latinoamericana de Ciencias Medicas explained to the gathering: "When we first operated on the Maximum Leader we'd thought that he was suffering from a broken Wish Bone. The operation made President Castro's condition even worse. After several more unsuccessful operations on a Funny Bone, his Spare Ribs, and Water on the Knee we realized that his problem had to be related to his Bread Basket. Of course, if it were not for the U.S. embargo we would have had modern medical training devices and operated on his Bread Basket sooner." MORE >> |
Colleges to Allow Terrorist Recruiters on Campus
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Since the initially successful effort by academia to ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime. The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries. MORE >> |
North Korea Leaps At Food Shortage Solution
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In a move designed to address the growing food shortages that threaten its starving populace, North Korea today announced the development of a captive breeding program for Giant Carnivorous Rabbits. Imported from a breeder in the former East Germany, the rabbits were initially thought to be a source of food for struggling North Koreans. But in a stunning turnabout it was revealed that given the gigantic rodents' voracious appetites and the large amount of food required for them to breed effectively, North Koreans would instead be fed to the rabbits, thereby providing the breeding stock with a ready source of food, while at the same time reducing the number of starving North Koreans. MORE >> |
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Progressive Future For America: Leave It To Professionals
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In 2007 the honor of New York's first-baby-of-the-year is being disputed between Odunayo Muhammed born of recent Nigerian immigrants, and Yuki Lin born of recent Chinese immigrants. Minutes after their birth the babies are already doing the jobs that Americans won't take. That's because this generation of Americans is fleeing from making babies, as if childbearing equates with cancerous tumors or internal parasites. They believe that just like everything else in their lives, fetuses should be left to professionals. MORE >> |
Democrats Push For New Iraq Strategy: Care Bears™
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Capitalizing on the enormous success achieved by Democrats with the display of children at the inauguration ceremony, the new leaders are proposing to take this strategy even further and manage the situation in Iraq with the help of Care Bears™. WASHINGTON, Jan. 6 - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to President Bush urging him to reject any plan that could potentially result in a military victory in Iraq. The leaders warned that a surge in troop levels might further antagonize al-Qaeda's already-overtaxed fighters, and cited the dangers of U.S. victory to the future of the Democratic Party, liberal media, and world's progress towards socialism. MORE >> |
Non to 2007! Declare A Moratorium On The Future!
 Trois acclamations to the French! |
How come we didn't think of this first? This grande idea has all necessary elements of a progressive protest. The BBC and UPI report on a New Year's demonstration in the French city of Nantes, where the protesters waved banners reading: "No to 2007" and "Now is better!" The marchers called on world leaders and the United Nations to intervene in the "mad race" of time and declare a moratorium on the future. With the arrival of 2007, as the protester's demands remained unmet, they realigned their efforts against a new target, chanting "No to 2008!" They also vowed to stage a similar protest on Dec. 31, 2007 in Paris. MORE >> |
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Biden creates Antifascist Librarian Justice Committee; the first book scheduled for burning is Fahrenheit 451
Media study: 148% of Americans believe voter fraud doesn't exist
2020 Election forecast: if Joe Biden emerges from the basement on Election Day and sees his shadow, expect four more years of Trump
BREAKING: President Trump pardons Corn Pop
Toobin, though on administrative leave, is still pulling for Biden
Chinese whistleblower: Biden-20 was genetically engineered in a Wuhan lab
Nancy Pelosi sponsors a bill to create the office of removal of the President
New college humanities major: Critical Trump Studies
Opinion: Joe Biden is just an idea
CNN: Biden took a solid second place in the debate, while Trump only came next to last
Having ordered that all Californians switch to electric cars by 2035, Gov. Gavin Newsom follows up by mandating them to have electricity by 2035
Election 2020: Joe Biden pledges to a peaceful post-election transfer of power to George Soros
Out: Flatten the curve. In: Flatten the country.
Breaking: the Democrat Party has finished transitioning from being the party of JFK to being the party of Lee Harvey Oswald
Paradigm shift in Chromatics: Study shows Indigo (#3F00FF) mixed with Jamaic (#C0FF01) yields Black (#000000)
Study: the trouble with wokeism is eventually you run out of victims
Stacey Abrams refuses to concede to Harris; declares herself Biden's VP
Election 2020: Spunky former presidential candidate wins VP slot by a head
Churches in many states to hold services in opened up pubs and bars
Election 2020: Xi Jinping still undecided on vice president for Joe Biden
Reports: Republicans pounce on 'Republicans pounce' reports
Minneapolis launches online looting app to combat Covid-19
DNC study finds lockdowns no longer necessary as the economy is now being destroyed more effectively by looters and rioters
With America in lockdown, China offers to host Democrat primary
Bernie Sanders tests negative for President
In related news, Joe Biden follows other candidates in withdrawing from race and endorsing Joe Biden
New York Governor Cuomo shuts down all 'non-essential' business, surprised to find himself out of a job
Biden commits to picking a woman as running mate as long as she passes his sniff test
Joe Biden's coronavirus prevention tips: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling them
Russian lawmakers warned that the American Democrats are meddling to re-elect Putin
Joe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his rallies
Democrats now worried they might even lose the illegal alien vote
Soleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the box
BREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porch
Liz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists instead
Pelosi: "First we have to impeach Donald Trump before we can find out why we impeached him."
Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'
Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash
California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit
BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican
California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge
Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir
Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record
Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist
Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative
Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations
Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama
NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy
HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack
Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth
Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"
Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached
Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated
International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men
Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry
AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation
Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected
West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia
BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan
DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls
Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm
Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones
Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists
Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America
CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees
Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school
Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen
Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves
HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires
San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws
Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk
With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity
California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints
Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco
Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming
Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies
San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag
BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism
Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution
BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer
IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case
Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"
Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry
Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion
MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border
BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania
Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations
Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional
New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name
Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens
Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead
Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritas™ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'
TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist
RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma
Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble
This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding
Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline
Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'
Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles
Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows
Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system
DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights
Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure
Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump
Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia
CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes
ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers
When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was
CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry
Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'
BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.
DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago
Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same
BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private
DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia
BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia
Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds
Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses
BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved
Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day official holiday
Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do
Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate
Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated
Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play
"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"
Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in
"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"
Schoolchildren jailed for building only white snowmen
Obama's reckless attacks on Russia serve as recruitment tool to create more Russian hackers
Hillary: "I lost, so I'm going to follow our democratic traditions, poison the wells, and scorch the earth"
Children in Venezuela cook and eat their Christmas toys
Hillary: "I can hack Russia from my bathroom"
Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" ("Pravda" for Russian speakers)
BREAKING: Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary's private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom
New York Times: Fidel Castro world's sexiest corpse
After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro
Post-election shopping tip: look for the PoliticsFree label at your local grocer to make sure you don't buy from companies that don't want your business anymore
In Hillary's America, email server scrubs you
Obama transfers his Nobel Peace Prize to anti-Trump rioters
Democrats blame Hillary's criminal e-mail server for her loss, demand it face prison
Afraid of "dangerous" Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground
Clinton Foundation in foreclosure as foreign donors demand refunds
Hillary Clinton blames YouTube video for unexpected and spontaneous voter uprising that prevented her inevitable move into the White House
Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump's electoral victory
FBI director Comey delighted after receiving Nobel Prize for Speed Reading (650,000 emails in one week)
U.N. deploys troops to American college campuses in order to combat staggeringly low rape rates
Responding to Trump's surging poll numbers, Obama preemptively pardons himself for treason
Following hurricane Matthew's failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually
Tim Kaine takes credit for interrupting hurricane Matthew while debating weather in Florida
Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote
The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush
Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food
Breaking: the Clinton Foundation set to investigate the FBI
Obama captures rare Pokémon while visiting Hiroshima
Movie news: 'The Big Friendly Giant Government' flops at box office; audiences say "It's creepy"
Barack Obama: "If I had a son, he'd look like Micah Johnson"
White House edits Orlando 911 transcript to say shooter pledged allegiance to NRA and Republican Party
President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'
Following Obama's 'Okie-Doke' speech, stock of Okie-Doke soars; NASDAQ: 'Obama best Okie-Doke salesman'
Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber
Experts: melting Antarctic glacier could cause sale levels to rise up to 80% off select items by this weekend
Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line
As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards
John Kasich self-identifies as GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom
Upcoming Trump/Kelly interview on FoxNews sponsored by 'Let's Make a Deal' and 'The Price is Right'
News from 2017: once the evacuation of Lena Dunham and 90% of other Hollywood celebrities to Canada is confirmed, Trump resigns from presidency: "My work here is done"
Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign
Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning 2009
National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman
National Enquirer: Bound delegates from Colorado, Wyoming found in Ted Cruz’s basement
Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response
Women across the country cheer as racist Democrat president on $20 bill is replaced by black pro-gun Republican
Federal Reserve solves budget crisis by writing itself a 20-trillion-dollar check
Widows, orphans claim responsibility for Brussels airport bombing
Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first
Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina." Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer
Campaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' vote
New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"
Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president
Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two
Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence
Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men
In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas
TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'
Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"
University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities
Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island
Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state"
Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy
State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery
NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget
College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action
ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios
Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic
'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break
ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood
Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans
Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people
Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need
John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side
Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone
John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend
Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles
State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider
Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons
Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations
Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'
NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
"Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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