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The People's Cube Archive: January - December 2009
Mother Page » 2019 » 2018 » 2017 » 2016 » 2015 » 2014 » 2013 » 2012 » 2011 » 2010 » 2009 » 2008 » 2007 » 2006 » 2005A Glimpse Into the Future... Obama's LAST Day in Office
Comrades, recently I called in a favor from an apparatchik in Colonel 7.62's department and obtained a combination Visa to The Future™ and hall pass. I was wondering what kind of glorious utopia awaits us when Chairman Obama's work is done well underway and Changeable Hopeyness has taken hold. With the benefit of the top-secret technology in the Department of Chronological Warfare (and a couple of cartons of cigarettes), I took a look...
The date: January 20, 2019*, Chairman Obama's last full day in office. Here is his top secret schedule from that day...
Cindy Sheehan's New Website Tea-bagged by the People's Cube
OFF KARAKTERMetaphorical tea-bagging befalls moonbats who become overconfident and register activist ".org" sites without a ".com" version.
Which is exactly what happened to Cindy "campout" Sheehan and David "Gloria" Swanson when they started peaceoftheaction.org as part of a new scheme to lure the unwashed progs into a tent camp in front of the White House, to shake fists and demand a surrender of America's "imperial forces" to all enemies, foreign and domestic. A People's Cube member who discovered their omission immediately bought peaceoftheaction.com for us to play with...
China Says U.S. Too Big To Fail, Offers Obama Bailout
During the recent meeting with President Obama, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao minced no words when he stated that "immediate action is necessary to keep a once prosperous nation" from falling flat on its face.
"If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country," said Wen Jiabao. "We thought we were investing in a nation of the world's greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients."
"Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we're giving you the specifics."
Christmas in History: First Media Reports (from our archives)
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TEABAGGERS vs. FISTERS: The Debate Is Over
After the "progressive" spokespersons at MSNBC and elsewhere labeled the Tea Party movement "Teabaggers," dismissing their opposition to socialism as deviant sexual practice, many began to wonder what equally deviant term could be applied in retaliation to the "progressives." Suggestions made at
the People's Cube later turned up on Breitbart's Big Hollywood. But the "culinary" term didn't catch on, apparently because proponents of individual liberties are largely ignorant of collectivist sexual practices.
That may change with the latest Fistgate scandal, which exposed Obama's Safe Schools Czar Kevin Jenning's proclivity to teach young children such non-conventional sexual techniques as fisting. "Progressives" are Fisters!
America's Vonn Wins Downhill; Dems Demand Investigation
Lindsay Vonn's dual victories at Lake Louise over the weekend have drawn sharp criticism from ranking Democrats, followed by demands for an inquiry into the troubling incident. President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder held a press conference announcing an investigation into
Vonn's motives. "America has been arrogant in the past," stated the president. "We need to atone and ask for forgiveness. These victories in the women's downhill events send the wrong message to the world - that America is still arrogant and seeks to win. For this I intend to apologize directly to the IOC."
New Yorkers Protest Obama's KSM Trial (a Story of Signs)
OFF KARAKTER: On December 5, 2009, hundreds of New Yorkers converged on Foley Square next to the US Court building to oppose Obama's injudicious plan to try terrorists in a civillian court in New York
- a city that has already paid dearly for letting "progressive" demagogues play political games with our security.
Speakers included Steve Maltzberg, Curtis Sliwa, Andy McCarthy, Debra Burlingame, and others.
A large elevated LCD screen to the right of the stage alternated images of the speakers with close-ups of the audience, their home-made signs bobbing like white sails above the sea of umbrellas. In spite of the cold rain, over five hundred people showed up. On a better day the turnout surely would have been in the thousands.
SPECIAL THANKSGIVING ISSUE (FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES):
Progressive Thanksgiving Prayer: Blessing of the TaxesThis year's secular Thanksgiving prayer was written by the People's Economist Professor Kurgman, PhD,PhD,PhD As much as I abhor Christianity, I occasionally attend progressive churches in my community - as long as the pastor expounds on socialism and its variants like environmental causes, and the rights of the oppressed masses of gays, wymyn, African-Americans, Palestinians, Hugo Chavez, and Hezbollah. Our local pastor, thank Lenin, rarely talks about anything else. He even asked me, a Marxist, to compose a prayer for this week's Thanksgiving sermon. Now, everybody knows that Thanksgiving observance does nothing more than perpetuate the Holocaust of the Native American. What positive meaning could be found in such a grotesquely shameful holiday? Well, my admirable laser-sharp mind of an economist
with three PhDs immediately found a brilliant, socially significant answer. I wrote a prayer thanking God for the gift of government, and thanking the government for the gift of taxes.
Thanksgiving With A Space Alien Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization. "Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?" |
Goodbye, America, My Country!
This October I received a few chain mails from my Russian-speaking friends with a long Russian-language poem titled "Goodbye, America" by Alexander Matlin, an ex-Soviet satirist now living in New Jersey. Brilliantly written, it contained all signs of the traditional Russian nostalgia with references to
erstwhile Soviet realities. I didn't post it then because the American masses reading this organ are not yet proficient in the Mother Tongue. But last night I received a translation into kapitalist from our bi-lingual reader Ilya Kazakov.
Goodbye, America, my country!
Goodbye, my dearest, goodbye.
Above our heads is rising sultry,
Socialistic crimson sky.
Bush Still Causing Job Losses and Hardship
Dozens of local area workers were left jobless yesterday as the doors closed on their workplace after more than nine years of frisky business. Devastated staff at the "I Hate Bush T-Shirt and Vendor Wear" factory wept as the moment they were dreading finally became a reality: the firm went into bankruptcy in result of sagging orders for their goods and slim prospects for a
renewed demand in the future.
"The management can say whatever they want, but I personally blame Bush," said Fred Fluger, a longtime employee, as he carried home a storage box filled with "I Hate Bush" shirts, sweaters, boxers, beach towels, and pajamas, with which the cash-stripped company had been paying its workers for the last three months.
Homeless Man Claims Responsibility For Own Problems
In an odd expose' that has left the worlds of politics and academia abuzz, a local homeless person revealed yesterday that he only blamed himself for his failures. The incident occurred near the dumpster behind the Shop Rite store in Brooklyn, when Willard Kookish, formerly of 435 Subprime Lane in Nutly, NJ, casually told a reporter that "my problems are my own fault." The
veteran New York Times reporter Ken McLiar, who has been searching area dumpsters for a 3,785-part series on people who are homeless due to the evils of American capitalism, admits he was astonished by Mr. Kookish's bizarre confession. When asked to elaborate, Mr. Kookish went on to say, "I went through college drinking and smoking dope and never learned anything. I've had many job opportunities but didn't bother to show up. My family left me a nice house to live in but I took out home equity
loans on it and spent the money on hookers and gambling. When the housing boom collapsed I lost everything. I made bad decisions...
Congress Repeals Ban on Perpetual Motion Machines
WASHINGTON - In a bold move to lessen our dependence on traditional fuels and decrease carbon emissions, Congress voted to repeal an old Republican ban on perpetual motion machines, clearing the way for the development of self-propelled water wheels, self-flowing flasks, float belts, zeromotors, and other environmentally-friendly industrial equipment.
Director of the White House's Office of Science and Technology Policy John Holdren hailed the effort as an example of the hope and change President Obama's leadership promised to bring to the world. "The anti-perpetual-motion propaganda was unleashed by the previous administration in the interests of Big Oil," said Holdren, describing the "manufactured consensus" against perpetual motion as a "clever dodge" to suppress alternative competition.
Obama's War on Fox News Becomes a Quagmire
THE WHITE HOUSE - Despite the President's promise of a swift and decisive victory, Obama's War on Fox News has developed all signs of an unwinnable quagmire, making the White House even more isolated in its unilateral attempts to crush the growing media insurgency. As the war continues to grind on for a second month, public opinion is shifting towards a quick and
complete withdrawal. While many observers still agree that the "War on Limbaugh" is a "just and necessary war," even the former supporters of the war effort are now labeling the War on Fox an "unnecessary war of choice" and claim that the cable channel had nothing to do with Obama's falling...Unions, Lenin, and the American Way
POSTING OUT OF KARAKTER:No matter where I worked in the USSR, I was always a union member without so much as a formal notice - starting with the student union in college and then on to whatever union was assigned to the state-run enterprise that hired me, regardless of the job description. The only indicators of this one-sided relationship were monthly union dues, automatically deducted from my measly wages. It was like paying alimony for a fling I never had. To be fair, in the early 80s, I did go on a union-subsidized one-week tour of Uzbekistan - mostly because a friend knew someone at the union office who owed him a favor. But that was it.
Be the Nobel Prize Winner this Halloween!
How to Make a Butt Bomb: Al Qaeda Training Video
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT
On the heels of a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official by an al-Qaeda operative who had a pound of explosives stuck up his rectum, comes this latest al-Qaeda training video. We have obtained the full transcript.
Ass-Sahab and Purple Jihad present
GET LUCKY WITH A BOMB
UP YOUR BUTT
Al-Qaeda Training Video
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9-12 Tea Party Pictures: People's Cube Goes to Washington
OFF KARAKTER:On September 12, 2009, I took part in the largest anti-big-government demonstration in the history of mankind. To borrow an expression from Joe Biden, the Taxpayers' March on Washington was clean and articulate. It was clean because over a million earners of American wealth didn't litter or destroy things and generally behaved as responsible property owners - as opposed to leftist protesters who often act as unwelcome gatecrashers. Once again the political class was reminded who really owns the place, only this time the owners were adamant about it...
Sharpton, Jackson Confess to Own Racism
In a hastily convened press conference this morning, renowned civil rights leaders Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson confessed to harboring racist attitudes themselves, something they were admittedly quick to fault in others. Both Sharpton and Jackson made brief, prepared statements before admitting themselves to the Rush Limbaugh Treatment Center in Cape Girardeau,
Missouri.
Al Sharpton was the first to speak. "I always knew that anybody opposing Barack Obama for any reason was a racist...
Obama Regresses to Cold War Mythology, Switches Sides
As seen on Pajamas Media:The world needs post-Cold War thinking. But Obama is stuck in a world of parochial cliche's. (By Oleg Atbashian. Published on PJM in six parts, here in one piece.)
Why is this president always doing the opposite of what needs to be done? Instead of supporting Iranian protesters, he snubs them. Instead of snubbing the ousted Honduran would-be dictator, he invites him to Washington. Instead of leading the world, he apologizes to it. Instead of offering a new vision, he resurrects hoary cliche's. Instead of promoting liberty, he bows to kings and hugs tyrants.
Some think he acts like an enchanted prince; others think he's a spoiled brat. But there's a method to this madness; its logic should be obvious to anyone familiar with antiquated leftist cliche's, which Barack Obama seems to have smuggled into the White House without as much as pausing to brush aside the decades-old creepy cobwebs.
Obama To Appoint Self G.O.D. (Gov'ntal Overall Director)
Finally American progressives can have a G.O.D. they can believe in.
Banking on a wildly successful media coverage of its efforts to transform the backward, individualistic America into a nation of enlightened state-worshippers ruled by unelected czars, the administrative branch is preparing for a next radical reform that will further streamline the system and dispel the accusations of oligarchic rule by concentrating all the powers enumerated, extrapolated, and imagined under the constitution in the hands of only one man.
Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "We must urgently streamline the decision-making process because the time for talk is over. The outdated 19th century idea of reading and debating bills must end. Face it, not only does debate delay immediate action, so does voting."
Foodicare: Health-Through-Nutrition Care for America
Since the best minds of the country have concluded that health care is a basic human right, it must also be presumed that this right automatically includes the most fundamental component of all human health - food. Leading nation's scientists have long been warning us that denying a
person the nutrition from food impairs health in the most direct and injurious manner.
Today the debate is over: the right to health and the right to food are pretty much one and the same - the inalienable human right to have your bodily functions regulated by the government for your own good.
"What's The Difference" Game: Bush v. Obama
Also from the People's Archives:
Everybody Wants To Kill Bush
A lesson in instant gratification went bad when a New York high-school freshman's remark about assassinating President Bush earned him a visit from the Secret Service, prompting a loud outcry
from the educational community.
"I don't know where this President is taking our country if a student can no longer openly express his idealistic aspirations and make a difference," says English teacher who oversaw the publication...
Woodstock's 40th Anniversary: Official Chants and Slogans
Comrades! August 15th (July 31st in the Julian calendar) marks the glorious 40th Anniversary of the Great Woodstock Revolution, when a 500,000-strong army of heroic young workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia courageously rose in massive rebellion throughout the 600 acre dairy farm, 69 kilometers away from Woodstock, New York, to struggle together for the deepening
of the widening of the expansion of the awareness of their struggle.
Within a few short years, similar revolutions happened in almost every country of the world, especially Canada. Now that the dream had become an incredibly colorful reality, it was time for the unwashed everywhere to develop the theory and tactics of the revolutionary movement according to their ability to access the capitalist parent's wallets.
Kamp Obama: Teach Kids to Punch Back Twice as Hard!
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The end of summer rapidly approaches, but there is still time for your child's indoctrination at Kamp Obama! At Kamp Obama we educate young skulls full of mush in such progressive activities as groupthink, activism, denunciations, and show trials. From Marx and Engels to Alinsky and Ayers, your child will learn the best tactics, thinking techniques, and viewpoints. In addition to fun, we train in the following useful skills that he, she, or it will need as a progressive adult:
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Posters: Do Not Spread Fishy Rumors or You'll be Flagged
| Considering the overwhelming response to these designs, we created a few new items for sale with them: http://www.zazzle.com/red_square  |
North Korean Beer Summit with Bill Clinton
AP BURBANK, Calif. - Riding on the success of last month's "Beer Summit," President Barack Obama utilized the same winning negotiation technique by sending former President Bill Clinton for a round of beers with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il, so that the two world leaders could share a few chuckles and discuss the release of two American journalists imprisoned for
playing peek-a-boo on Kim Jong-Il's property.Amends for Hiroshima: Congress To Bomb Two U.S. Cities
In a belated expression of remorse for the nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki sixty four years ago, Congress has authorized the Army to launch apologetic nuclear strikes on two American cities.
The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state.
Cash for Clunkers: Obamacare Edition
How much is your old family member worth? Turn them in to the nearest Planned Grandparenthood Center and find out! Receive cash prizes and free healthcare entitlements!
As part of a new incentive tied to Obama's upcoming healthcare reform, the network of Planned Grandparenthood Centers are to begin running ads, themed "Double Cash for Your Old Coot."
The push offers a cash incentive or zero-percent financing on top of free government plans for all families whose trade-in old-timers qualify for the government's program known as "Cash for Clunkers," up to a maximum of four grandparents over 70 years of age.
Obama's Strange Affliction Stresses Need for Health Reform
Change has been subtle, but astute observers have noticed an increasing number of physical oddities about superstar celebrity President Barack Obama, seen here addressing a recent rally to raise awareness of the new healthcare reform bill. "I can't put my finger on it, but there's something different about him lately," says T. Kennedy, a diver from Martha's Vineyard, Mass. His
impression is seconded by H. Clinton, a State Dept. employee from upstate New York: "In his recent appearances, he's looked flat, almost cartoonish. But in spite of the lack of emotion, he's still bigger than life."
White House Press Secretary Robert Glib insists the President is healthy and blames his "somewhat altered demeanor" on the Republican steamrolling. "It makes the President flat angry and steaming for days; his head seems to be about to explode," says Glib.
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40th ANNIVERSARY (from the People's™ Archives) |
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RINSE AND REPEAT:
Enlarge Your Economy in Just Days with Stimulus Package
Did you ever ask yourself is your economy big enough? Do you feel insecure about the pork in your portfolio? Do you want to stop your Dow Jones from shrinking at the most embarrassing moments?
It is finally possible with the only economy enlargement product that works. You can become a lean, mean and fierce economy-stimulating machine in just days! Satisfy your community's dream of having a representative with a massive Stimulus Package. Enhance, enlarge and upsize the economy today! Stop settling for second best, get your huge bailout here!
The People's Cube Over Chicago
The People's Cube likes to travel across the United States - over the fruited plain and halcyon skies - in a planned effort to stake out the thoroughfare of freedom from sea to shining sea. It takes pictures of itself posing against amber waves of grain, alabaster cities, and on top of purple mountain majesties, as it crowns the common good with
quotas on brotherhood and equal outcomes.
In this installment, the Cube goes to Chicago...
July 4th Tea Party Posters from the Cube (Tea Party Organ)
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES:
The Alternative Secret History of the World
On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to
live on planet Earth before 1776.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
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Letterman: Hate Show with a Dirty Old Man
After nearly 5,000 hate-night broadcasts, Quagmire "ODB" Letterman remains one of the sickest and unfunniest dirty old men in the history of conservative-bashing on television. |
Miranda Rights for Terrorists (Improved Intern'l Version)
In an effort to repair the damage inflicted by George W. Bush's presidency, Barack Obama extended a gesture of goodwill and understanding to the victimized community of man-made disaster operators by promising them Miranda rights, wishing them luck in future
undertakings, and advising them to abstain from earning money in the private sector. Apologizing for the fact that the existing Miranda warning is unfairly slanted towards US citizens, Obama unveiled an improved international Miranda version, drafted by a team of ACLU experts.
Socialized Healthcare: No Drugs For The Useless!
 Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs! |
"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our cities? |
Dancing with the Czars: Obama's New State-Run Show
The cast of Obama Czars hit the dance floor on the new show with the highly anticipated season premiere of Dancing with the Czars. h/t iMaksim Political Humor
You will be introduced to twelve Czars, who hold varying positions of power within the administration.
The great thing about them is that Czars operate with impunity and are "under the radar" when it comes to making policy. They are accountable to no one except the President and, oh man, can they dance.
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Al-Qaeda Kidnaps Obama's Teleprompter
In an audacious raid Friday, al-Qaeda terrorists managed to slip past White House security and seize President Obama's teleprompter. Their demands were released in a grainy video, which apparently showed the president's teleprompter, bound and blindfolded but unharmed, while heavily armed masked men stood behind it, quoting from the Qur'an. The content of their
demands is not being released.
President Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well..."
Che + Heart + Cowbell = World's Most Popular T-Shirt
A recent discussion on the People's Blog prompted us to create a new line of People's Products under the title "Che Heart Plus." The thinking behind it is that if we combine the most popular T-Shirt designs into one, we must surely
come up with an ultimate, most popular design that will guarantee us a timeless commercial success for the Common Good.
The idea is similar to the People's Cube FAQ, that is, if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must begin with "How to fight capitalism with Global Warming?"
Obama Show And Tell: Photoshop & Caption Non-Contest
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At the end of his presidency, Obama reveals his imaginary friend whose name is "Collective Economic Worth of Amerika." Mr. Obama seems to be the only one capable of seeing his little friend. |  |
Obama announces his running mate, whom he met at the circus, the magical fairy elf Jobama O'Biden. |
On Moderation: Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down Half This Wall
As seen on Pajamas Media:The People's Cube takes a look back at great compromises of ideals and principles throughout history.
As all principled Democrats are pounding their uncompromising collective fist on the GOP's big tent, demanding that conservatives compromise their principles, and even Colin Powell has joined their unanimous opinion about the glaring lack of diverse opinions among Republicans, conservatives are clearly left with no other choice than to move their big tent down from the moral high ground to where the progressive majority is, so it can be better monitored by the media and have easy access for morally disabled persons with diverse opinions.
I Want To Be Banned From England Like Michael Savage
We don't always agree with Michael Savage, but yesterday we learned that the San Francisco-based radio talk-show host was barred from entering Great Britain because of his opinions. Tonight our reader Jill emailed us with
this I-am-Spartacus-type answer to the British Home Office, which is responsible for the ban:
So, Michael Savage is a thoughtcriminal. I humbly beseech with shovel in hand for Commissar Smith to place me on the banned list with Michael Savage.
Here are my thought crimes:
Official May Day Address 2009 (Featuring Fearless Leader)
Comrades!It is no coincidence that
May Day would fall on a
Friday this Glorious Year
in The Progressive World
of This Tuesday! We deserve
a three-day weekend!
Air Force One Attacks Wall Street, Takes Hostages
Obama's plane scares Little Eichmanns
out of their offices.
Belittled by America's arrogant self-reliance, individualism, and competitiveness, the government has finally organized and launched a fierce counterattack against American citizens by increasing their taxes, destroying their wealth, restricting their economic freedoms, controlling their guns, indoctrinating their children, and limiting their free speech.
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A Lenin's Birthday Story
As seen in American Thinker:
This was written when I still lived in Ukraine in the early 1990s. It was intended to be a chapter in a fact-based novel, as yet unpublished. Although the Communist Party had been officially disbanded, it still maintained a firm grip on the country, using every means of manipulation available.
Proponents of leftist ideologies around the world share one common trait: they always demand to be included, but once you let them in, they force everybody else out, while refusing to leave themselves.
Obama: Shovel-Ready on Lenin's Birthday / Earth Day
From the People's Glossary:
Shovel
A symbol of suffering and sacrifice for The Greater Good™. Used in hard labor therapy or in self-criticism sessions to redeem potential thought crimes. Every citizen must keep his or her shovel in good repair at all times and bring it to the railroad station if called to duty by the Commissar. The shovel is an important part of Earth Day festival, or Sacrificial Earth Shoveling Day, celebrating the death and rebirth of Great Lenin.
The People's Cube Visual Agitation at Tea Parties
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES: The Renegade Exodus
Now that the idea of social awareness and class struggle has reached American pulpits, it was only a matter of time before progressive historical revisionism left its academic confines and flooded the nation's churches, raising consciousness of the worshiping masses and prompting them to re-evaluate archaic concepts of "faith," "freedom," and "morality." Armed with the
winning theory of class struggle, more and more oppressed churchgoers are finding the courage to speak out against violations of human rights in the ancient world, and indeed against the entire litany of "traditional" "conceptions" based on the "Bible" and its "teachings."
In this sense, the conference of religious leaders and scholars from around the world, titled "From Security to Homelessness: Moses and the Renegade Exodus of the Hebrews" was the first major event of its kind, focusing on Moses' fraudulent activities and the resulting major humanitarian disaster called the Exodus.
Obama the Pitchfork Operator: Remake of the Soviet Classic
As seen on Pajamas Media (out of karakter)
While some of today's comparisons between Obama and communist dictators may go over the top, the general direction of such thinking is not without merit: since they share a utopian goal of forced equality, it's logical to expect that their methods may also converge at some point. To wit, recent actions from Obama reminded me of a ploy Stalin used on Western entrepreneurs, which in itself is an illustrative morality play contrasting the differences between socialism and capitalism.
"My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks," Barack Obama told the CEOs of the world's most powerful financial institutions on March 27, when they cited competition for talent in an international market as justification for paying higher salaries to their employees.
Obama: Doing the Darfur Shuffle
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Someone emailed us a caption for this image "Doing the Darfur Shuffle." This prompted us to animate it so it looks more like a real party. Pick a tune you like to watch it with - below are some Party-approved suggestions. The best way to listen is put the mouse over the link and click on "play" inside the little window.
Anything we missed? Suggest other tunes in the comments. |
This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent.
Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
Obama Rides Unicorns, Michelle Rides Dolphins
Men ride unicorns, women ride dolphins. Everybody knows that. What we didn't know was that unicorns could also apply massage oils on their riders at the beach as they drink pina colada, or that dolphins could join Code Pink, cover their private parts with Obama logo, and wear S&M gear.
This discussion started as an auxiliary tunnel on another thread dedicated to Zen and the Art of Shovel Maintenance, but the Party is convinced that it deserves to be dug as a glorious separate tunnel. Sharpen your shovels, comrades!
The Purpose of This Site
The purpose of our Progressive movement is to instill enormous guilt among wealth creators, causing them to give their money to us voluntarily.
Think of guilt as secondary taxation. While the government extracts the first round of money by taxing a limited number of activities by wealth creators (with the help of a mind-numbing tax code), the imposition of guilt allows us to extract the remaining money in virtually unlimited amounts by associating guilt with the broadest range of activities - from what you eat to how big your toilet tank is. Most of you are guilty merely for breathing air, and the number of victims suffering from your noxious CO2 exhaust is unlimited - from the whole planet Earth to endangered microscopic communities of bacteria that thrive collectively...
Guilt Quiz & Guilt Level Chart: Tools for the Guilted Age
Now that the properly conditioned guilt-ridden voters have elected the first Certified-Oppressed-Minority™ president, America has officially entered a new Guilted Age. The Guilted Age is similar to the Gilded Age, only instead of being motivated by the acquisition of gold, the nation is motivated by the distribution of Guilt™.
A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing. Take the Guilt Quiz >
David Frum: Greedy Limbaugh Stole My Crown Of Evil
David Frum, ruler and protector
of conservative netherworld
I have been outed by the unbiased media and members of the US Congress as the sole cause of all wars, poverty, famines, country music, and Republicanism. Every disaster in the last two thousand years has been traced back to my long, scaly tentacles...
How Do You Say 'Hillary's Gaffe' in Russian?
As seen on Pajamas Media
Did you know that if you translate "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" into Russian, it becomes "the vodka is agreeable but the meat has gone bad"? Literal translations can be tricky that way.
It seems that no translators were harmed in the manufacturing of Hillary Clinton's "reset" button, which she presented to Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in Geneva on Friday.
"We worked hard to get the right Russian word," Clinton addressed Lavrov in a deliberately slow voice, as if talking to a special-needs child. "Do you think we got it?"
"You got it wrong," Lavrov answered in fluent English. "This says 'peregruzka,' which means overcharged."
Contradictions of Socialism (I've seen the future & ran away)
As seen on Pajamas Media | Listen to it on podcast
There was a time in recent American history when certain Soviet jokes didn't work in translation - not so much because of the language differences, but because of the lack of common sociopolitical context. But that is changing. As President Obama is preparing us for a great leap towards collectivism, I find myself recollecting forgotten political jokes I shared with comrades while living in the old country under Brezhnev, Andropov, and Gorbachev. (I was too young to remember the Khrushchev times, but I remember the Khrushchev jokes.) I also noticed that the further America "advances" back to the Soviet model...
Enlarge Your Economy in Just Days with Stimulus Package
Did you ever ask yourself is your economy big enough? Do you feel insecure about the pork in your portfolio? Do you want to stop your Dow Jones from shrinking at the most embarrassing moments?
It is finally possible with the only economy enlargement product that works. You can become a lean, mean and fierce economy-stimulating machine in just days! Satisfy your community's dream of having a representative with a massive Stimulus Package. Enhance, enlarge and upsize the economy today!
Grievance Reporting for Hope'N'Change Operating System
To automate the growing number of grievances, reduce paperwork, and bring the grievance collecting into the 21st century, the Obama Administration has created a new agency, the U.S. Department of Grievances, linked with other agencies and taxpayers through the newly launched 2009 Hope'N'Change Operating System.
Given that the most optimistic evaluation of Obama's stimulus plan included this language, "If we do everything right, there's still a 30 percent chance we'll get it wrong," and that the government's record of "getting everything right" is shaky at best, the new department's current goal is to prepare for the impending "30%" outcome.
If you and your family find yourself among the 30-percenters, you may submit your Grievance Report, which the government will redress within the limits of its estimated efficiency rate of 70%.
Media The Lapdog for Obama Spiraling Down the Drain
Oscars Winners 2009
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Political editorial humor may be dead, but the Oscars are alive and well and our picks are:
Best push of a political agenda in a motion picture: Best Actor: Best Supporting Actor: Best Actress: Best Foreign Film: Best original screenplay: |
Genuine Obama Brand Snake Oil Sale!
YEEE---HAWWW! |
Want "Hope and Change"? Buy a Goat
| Advice from an old Ukrainian Rabbi  Also posted in Pajamas Media |
Although the mainstream media won't report it as such, Obama's approval numbers are shrinking. Which means that elsewhere, certain numbers are growing - the unreported-by-the-MSM growing numbers of Americans who are kicking themselves for not having bothered to read the small print underneath the word "change." The small print was kind of blurry, while "change" was spelled in huge, pleasing letters on the signs they held at the rallies. The fierce urgency of now was in the air. Everybody was in such a hurry to bring about change; there was no time to ask "why" or "what kind of change." As objectivity faded into the sunset, their individual brains melted into a euphoric
collective mush, swirling around the only remaining absolute - change. In the absence of other standards, the truth became a mere matter of taste, subject to change without notice. If it didn't change, it wasn't the truth. |
Denver Greets Obama with the People's Cube Posters
Our friends in Denver - El Marco and Comradette Ronitchka - joined the protest on the steps of the Colorado State Capitol where Obama signed the Pork Bill this Tuesday (2.17.09). They took photos, which they posted on their blog, including one of Michelle Malkin holding a People's Cube poster. There were quite a few of our other posters there. Find them all!
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Obama Hope™ Parody Posters
Welcome Message to Newly Arrived Thoughtcriminals
Welcome to the Cube, comrade. You may collect your blunt shovel from the guard and get in the line to the left. You will be washed down in the People's Shower to rid you of any possible"bugs," and undergo initial capitalist delousement. The bus will take you to the Karl Marx Treatment Center where those who survive will begin to get in touch with their "Inner Comrade."
How To Get In Touch With Your Inner Comrade
Get a firm grip of your proletarian shovel and make several slow, deep and heavy digs, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dig in peace and love for the common good until you start experiencing the people's pain, suffering, and hatred of the class enemy, its running dogs, and capitalism in general...
"Thank You Sucker" Motivational Currency Replaces Dollar
| NOW ONLY $7.50 + FREE SHIPPING! A flexible magnetic sticker 8x3.5" for your fridge (also looks great on a shovel)! SEE IT IN THE PEOPLE'S STORE >> |
Basic economic analysis of the $780 billion stimulus package indicates that the plan to socialize the US economy will likely fail unless the Obama Administration backs it up by replacing the existing legal tender called "the dollar" with a new kind of motivational currency called the "Thank You Sucker" (TYS) notes, which would flood the markets and stimulate the economy without causing inflation.
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Every Man has a Right to the Left (and other neo-proverbs)
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Cracking the Obama Code: Don Quixote vs. Windmill Owners
A new out-of character essay by yours truly, published today in Big Hollywood - Andrew Breitbart's new project for Hollywood conservatives and anyone interested in the interaction between culture and
politics.
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Four hundred years ago, Miguel Cervantes described an archetypal delirious fruitcake who wanted to change the world by turning the clock back to the idealized Utopian times that never really existed. Imagine what Cervantes would write today about the futility of his satirical effort, if he were to learn that four centuries later, a whole movement would arise that emulated his loony character and elected one of their kind as the leader of the free world.
A Hussein in the White House
What the Arab world thinks of Barack ObamaOne of our images born of the creative power of the masses (and delivered to us in full glory by Superkommissar Maksim) has been chosen to adorn a book cover in Italy. We have been contacted by the author Donatella Della Ratta and prepared a high-resolution image for her cover designer. We expect the books to arrive shortly and hope this is not some capitalist ruse but a mighty progressive blow at Western imperialism.
Hamas® Intifada Baby Armor
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Waging Jihad against the Zionists just got easier. With Hamas® brand "Intifada Baby Armor" your mission to destroy Israel can be achieved even sooner. You'll love these new features:
Infant not included |
Farewell To President Bush from the People's Cube
COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER:
For generations to come Americans will benefit from our footing in the War on Terror, citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan will enjoy the opportunity to live in freedom, and millions of Africans will live without disease because of President Bush.
He will be remembered as one who did whatever was necessary to defend your country from terrorism, staying the course...
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LATEST IN PEOPLE'S KARAOKE:
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Media The Lapdog for Obama Dumps on Israel
15 DOs and DON'Ts of New Progressive Order
- DO buy vehicles from GM, Ford and Chrysler because it helps
our UAW friendsthe economy - DON'T drive them as they pollute the environment and cause global warming
- DO insist that nationalized, single-payer government provided health insurance is the solution to our health-care crisis
- DON'T mention that a government health care bureaucracy is just like a private insurer's healthcare bureaucracy except that with the former, you don't get another choice
Progressive Lightbulb Jokes
Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough.
Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota.
Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this?
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it.
Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No need, Obama is the Light.
Reid Offers Burris The Three-Fifths Compromise
The Supreme Court's decision to review the refusal by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (who is white) to allow a seat in the Senate to appointed Illinois Senator Roland Burris (who is black) has caused Mr. Reid to offer a compromise in the form of "separate but equal facilities for colored senators" and 3/5 of a vote for Mr. Burris.
"My offer is backed by not only legal precedent and a long-standing tradition of the Democrat Party which I represent," said Reid, "but also by Article I of the Constitution which I revere. If that's not progressive generosity, nothing is."
The Middle East Conflict For Dummies
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Nostalgic Progressive Haikus of 2008
Commemorate the outgoing year of 2008 with these nostalgic progressive haikus. Feel the paradigm shift as the clock strikes 12 and we move from the Year of Bush to the Year of Obama!
(Just as progressive poets have liberated the verse from the oppression of rhyme, we have liberated our haikus from the archaic 5-7-5 syllable restriction, which was a purely bourgeois formality. Who needs to count? Report them to the nearest ACLU officer!)
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People's Cube Classics - Greatest Hits
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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In related news, Joe Biden follows other candidates in withdrawing from race and endorsing Joe Biden
New York Governor Cuomo shuts down all 'non-essential' business, surprised to find himself out of a job
Biden commits to picking a woman as running mate as long as she passes his sniff test
Joe Biden's coronavirus prevention tips: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling them
Russian lawmakers warned that the American Democras are meddling to re-elect Putin
Joe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his rallies
Democrats now worried they might even lose the illegal alien vote
Soleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the box
BREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porch
Liz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists instead
Pelosi: "First we have to impeach Donald Trump before we can find out why we impeached him."
Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'
Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash
California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit
BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican
California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge
Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir
Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record
Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist
Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative
Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations
Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama
NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy
HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack
Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth
Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"
Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached
Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated
International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men
Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry
AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation
Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected
West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia
BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan
DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls
Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm
Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones
Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists
Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America
CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees
Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school
Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen
Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves
HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires
San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws
Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk
With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity
California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints
Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco
Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming
Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies
San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag
BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism
Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution
BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer
IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case
Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"
Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry
Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion
MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border
BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania
Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations
Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional
New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name
Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens
Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead
Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritasâ„¢ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'
TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist
RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma
Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble
This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding
Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline
Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'
Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles
Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows
Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system
DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights
Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure
Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump
Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia
CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes
ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers
When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was
CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry
Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'
BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.
DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago
Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same
BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private
DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia
BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia
Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds
Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses
BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved
Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day​ official holiday
Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do
Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate
Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated
Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play
"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"
Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in
"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"
Schoolchildren jailed for building only white snowmen
Obama's reckless attacks on Russia serve as recruitment tool to create more Russian hackers
Hillary: "I lost, so I'm going to follow our democratic traditions, poison the wells, and scorch the earth"
Children in Venezuela cook and eat their Christmas toys
Hillary: "I can hack Russia from my bathroom"
Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" ("Pravda" for Russian speakers)
BREAKING: Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary's private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom
New York Times: Fidel Castro world's sexiest corpse
After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro
Post-election shopping tip: look for the PoliticsFree label at your local grocer to make sure you don't buy from companies that don't want your business anymore
In Hillary's America, email server scrubs you
Obama transfers his Nobel Peace Prize to anti-Trump rioters
Democrats blame Hillary's criminal e-mail server for her loss, demand it face prison
Afraid of "dangerous" Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground
Clinton Foundation in foreclosure as foreign donors demand refunds
Hillary Clinton blames YouTube video for unexpected and spontaneous voter uprising that prevented her inevitable move into the White House
Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump's electoral victory
FBI director Comey delighted after receiving Nobel Prize for Speed Reading (650,000 emails in one week)
U.N. deploys troops to American college campuses in order to combat staggeringly low rape rates
Responding to Trump's surging poll numbers, Obama preemptively pardons himself for treason
Following hurricane Matthew's failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually
Tim Kaine takes credit for interrupting hurricane Matthew while debating weather in Florida
Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote
The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush
Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food
Breaking: the Clinton Foundation set to investigate the FBI
Obama ​​captures rare Pokémon ​​while visiting Hiroshima
Movie news: 'The Big Friendly Giant Government' flops at box office; audiences say "It's creepy"
Barack Obama: "If I had a son, he'd look like Micah Johnson"
White House edits Orlando 911 transcript to say shooter pledged allegiance to NRA and Republican Party
President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'
Following Obama's 'Okie-Doke' speech, stock of Okie-Doke soars; NASDAQ: 'Obama best Okie-Doke salesman'
Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber
Experts: melting Antarctic glacier could cause sale levels to rise up to 80% off select items by this weekend
Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line
As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards
John Kasich self-identifies as GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom
Upcoming Trump/Kelly interview on FoxNews sponsored by 'Let's Make a Deal' and 'The Price is Right'
News from 2017: once the evacuation of Lena Dunham and 90% of other Hollywood celebrities to Canada is confirmed, Trump resigns from presidency: "My work here is done"
Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign
Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning 2009
National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman
National Enquirer: Bound delegates from Colorado, Wyoming found in Ted Cruz’s basement
Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response
Women across the country cheer as racist Democrat president on $20 bill is replaced by black pro-gun Republican
Federal Reserve solves budget crisis by writing itself a 20-trillion-dollar check
Widows, orphans claim responsibility for Brussels airport bombing
Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first
Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina." Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer
Campaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' vote
New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"
Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president
Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two
Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence
Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men
In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas
TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'
Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"
University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities
Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island
Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state"
Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy
State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery
NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget
College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action
ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios
Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic
'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break
ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood
Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans
Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people
Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need
John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side
Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone
John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend
Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles
State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider
Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons
Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations
Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'
NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
"Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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