ADOPT-A-DETAINEE


With the closing of Gitmo the hapless and undeserving freedom fighters kidnapped by the imperialists Americans need a home.

With the foresight of an omnificent god, the ONE^TM has shut down the tropical penal colony of Guantanamo Bay. Can you help provide the daily feeding and health care needed to provide for these poor souls, souls that not even their own countries want?

Please help. If you cannot ADOPT-A-DETAINEE, please donate using the paypal button on the home page. Red Square and myself will insure the money donated will fund the care of these unfortunate and simple farmers.

You will be thought highly of by friends in far off places.


Thank you all,

Reiuxcat

Dear RedCat,

I have only two questions before I pick up a detainee for the family's amusement:

1) Do they have all their shots?
2) Have they been neutered? I don't want them going around the neighborhood and creating litters of militant "freedom fighters".

Thanks for all you do for the party!

Comrades,

Since my illegal alien undocumented worker housekeepers demanded raises were led astray by the false God of self-employment, I have been looking for some help. Considering the treatment these poor detainees have suffered at Uncle Sam's hands as well as their brethrens' treatment of Muslim brothers and sisters, I'm ready to take one in. I mean, they're already cool with the whole "submission" thing, being adherents of Islam and all.

Of course, I've got some Barney DVDs just in case.

I'll take one, as long as it is an "outdoor detainee". If this is being offered by one of those agencies that make you promise to keep it inside, forget it. I've heard they can do some creatively disgusting things to the hand that feeds them sharia-compliant meals.

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:
Of course, I've got some Barney DVDs just in case.

Would that be Barney Fwanks?

Comrade Leftfield wrote:Dear RedCat,

I have only two questions before I pick up a detainee for the family's amusement:

1) Do they have all their shots?
2) Have they been neutered? I don't want them going around the neighborhood and creating litters of militant "freedom fighters".

Thanks for all you do for the party!

Of course they have had their shots, the Americans are not Barbarians, simply misguided oafs. Thankfully, The ONE^TM has already started the USSA on the true path.

As long as you are not currently raising goats or sheep, sterilization should not be required.

(If extra training is required, waterboarding offering small treats has been found to be an effective manner to receive 100% compliance)

Red Bubba wrote:I'll take one, as long as it is an "outdoor detainee". If this is being offered by one of those agencies that make you promise to keep it inside, forget it. I've heard they can do some creatively disgusting things to the hand that feeds them sharia-compliant meals.

This is a no strings attached arrangement. You are not even required to provide ESL lessons as soon the govenment will be providing multilingual signs to post throughout the entire USSA.

As a bonus! Each detainee will come with his own prayer rug, beads, and compass so minimal start up expenses will be the norm.

Hmm, if I donate money, do I get letter and photo of my adopted terrorist, um freedom fighter? Does he write me with updates on his jihad, uh schooling?

Indubitably, indubitably comrade guest.

Comrade Reiuxcat!

What is the return policy on one of these adoptions? Lets say I find one raping a woman, trying to kill my Jewish next-door neighbors, attempting suicide bombing runs etc. You know, all the stuff that is legal for them back home. Where do I return the defective one? Do I send them to Washington DC or California? Do I get a refund?

Could I get one that can breath and live underwater? I live on my boat, and really don't have room for one inside, but if one could be had that could sleep UNDERNEATH the boat I would be happy. Plus it could keep the bottom of my boat clean, and perhaps even sustain itself on the barnacles and seaweed.

Proletarian Robot wrote:Comrade Reiuxcat!

What is the return policy on one of these adoptions? Lets say I find one raping a woman, trying to kill my Jewish next-door neighbors, attempting suicide bombing runs etc. You know, all the stuff that is legal for them back home. Where do I return the defective one? Do I send them to Washington DC or California? Do I get a refund?

Comrade Robot,

If you find that happening, it is only because the perpatratee deserved to be perpatrated upon. Just like the 9-11 attacks. So the detainee is a keeper.

RC

I overfed my last detainee and killed it. The Gubmint will not let me have another one.

Keep moving.
Nothing to see here.
Everybody move along.
Congressman Murtha has it all under control.
Please keep moving.
Get back in your homes please.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I overfed my last detainee and killed it. The Gubmint will not let me have another one.

Chairman, it is evident you must have accidentally got a hold of some of that tainted peanut paste out of Georgia. Not your fault at all. Bu$Hitler's failed policies of no regulations are to blame.

Another detainee is on the way. Would you like another level 3? They are so cute when then curse the west.

Reiuxcat wrote:

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:
Of course, I've got some Barney DVDs just in case.

Would that be Barney Fwanks?

Comrade Reluxcat,

Barney Fwanks is a dinosaur and could be purple with rage if his Fannie and Freddie shenanigans catch up with him.

I'm not sure, but it seems to me someone used to market a CD of songs the military most frequently used on detainees. Lots of hard rock and heavy metal. Yes, I know there's Scroogle.org to look these things up but I've done my work allotment for the day.

OOH! OOH! I want one! The perfect tool for revenge, if he gets caught you just say he's a crazy jihadi and deny you told him to do it Tired of the loud late night parties you're not invited to, send your detainee to quiet them down. Poor service at the Party store, send your detainee. The only question I have is if there is a replacement policy. You never know when they're going to fall back on old habits and blow themselves up.

Comrade Red Jim,

Ah, perfect! When I've worked my detainee to near exhaustion, I can give him a jihadi belt and send him to file a service complaint. Alternatively, I can use him as a replacement for Fourth of July fireworks!

But don't they leave red stains when they explode? But aren't red stains good, because they are the color of the Revolution? So shouldn't we encourage exploding jihadists because they leave a Revolutionary stain on the sidewalk?

I'm thinking that if Murtha's plan doesn't work out, perhaps there would be room in the dorms and off campus housing at UC Berkeley. In the Bay area, they would be more welcomed and cared for than anyplace else in the US and they would be exposed to our most progressive and tolerant citizens. I can't imagine that anything could possibly go wrong.

</Karacter>

I think Murtha's plan would work, but I would take it one step farther. I would pin white tails on their asses and tie antlers to their heads and let them loose on the first Monday after Thanksgiving....Always the opening day of Buck Season here in PA.

Reiuxcat, I'll take one. Bruno needs a playmate. I'm quite sure that a jihadi would benefit from Bruno's attentions. Bruno could curl his beard and play him Streisand songs. I think that would be only fitting, don't you?

Oh, for pity's sake. Do I have to do everything around here? While Reiuxcat is on the right track with the Pay Pal thing, this program needs serious revamping.

We've had too many instances of adopting out detainees to homes where they were bred for illegal detainee-fights in which spectators placed bets. Additionally, our policy is that if you find yourself having to give up a detainee, whether because of home foreclosure or a family member with allergies, then you are to return the detainee to the shelter instead of palming him off on friends without notifying us so we can inspect these friends' homes and interrogate them about their intentions. Also, we've heard too many horror stories of middle-aged single women who hoard the detainees. While on a routine home visit, we found one woman living in a house with 82 detainees, many of whom were malnourished, covered with mange, and sleeping in their own filth. (She's known in her neighborhood as "that crazy detainee lady.") We have yet to determine how many we can save and place in good homes. Some may have to be put down.

Therefore, I propose the establishment of a program modeled after those for children in Third World countries. We'll call it the "Save the Detainees" Fund.

Consider the case of poor Abdul. (Insert photo of detainee with huge brown eyes and wistful expression here.) For the past six years now, he's been forced to live in a dark, dank cell, wearing nothing but an orange jumpsuit and a black hood. He's not allowed his Koran, is given no water except when he's waterboarded, and has no way of disposing of his own bodily wastes except by throwing it at his guards.

Feeling guilty yet? Wondering what you can do to raise awareness about Abdul's plight? For only a few pennies a day, you can help not only poor Abdul, but his community. When you sponsor a Gitmo Detainee like Abdul, you give us Change, but you give him Hope.

When you agree to sponsor a detainee like Abdul, for $21.95 a month you will get a complete dossier on your detainee, listing all his misfortunes and grievances. You will receive a sheet of pre-printed labels with your name and address on them. You will receive a photo of him, and you will even be able to receive letters from him, and monthly reports from Save The Detainees on his progress, so you can see just how your Change is giving him Hope.

Won't you sign up today--and put a smile back on Abdul's face?

FINE PRINT: Sponsorship funds do not go directly to detainees, but are used to fund community programs that empower the organizers of Save The Detainees to ponder, consider, and determine the necessity of conducting research, consultations, discussions, programs to educate the public and especially The Children; drafting of petitions to lawmakers demanding they pass resolutions calling for the formation of a program to bring attention to the need to save detainees; and other grassroots efforts to raise awareness and further funding for detainee-related programs, to include the mass production of awareness ribbons and wristbands; as well as covering all required administrative/overhead costs incurred by executive level organizers.

WooHoo!

Commissarka Pinkie saves the day again!

For you, glorious protector of all civilized, socialists societies. For looking out for us guys!

Many thanks!

Pinkie, I think that I understand. And the fine print is something that I heartily approve of. But why don't we take this a step further? We can have <i>virtual</i> detainees. Detainees which do not in fact actually exist.

We can get someone with good Photoshop abilities to subtly change the faces of the five most winsome detainees--less beard here, bigger nose there, you get the drift--and then pass them out with the spiel for collecting the money.

"This is Achmed. Achmed's hobbies are firebombing, precision mortar firing, and beating women. How can you look into his eyes and not help Achmed?

We just make sure that there are enough subtly different pictures of Achmed that it is unlikely that two bleeding hearts will have the same picture of Achmed. Who does not in fact exist and so we will not feel bad about not feeding Achmed. Let's be honest above all else. It pays.

For the sake of full disclosure, do think that your fine print ought to have fine print? All that you're doing, the lobbying, the reports, and all that are fine, but to avoid prosecution under the Deceptive Trade Practices Act, do you think it necessary to state that you will be writing these reports at the Four Seasons and luncheon Congress at the St. Regis?

Or is that a given?

Commissar Theocritus wrote: For the sake of full disclosure, do think that your fine print ought to have fine print? All that you're doing, the lobbying, the reports, and all that are fine, but to avoid prosecution under the Deceptive Trade Practices Act, do you think it necessary to state that you will be writing these reports at the Four Seasons and luncheon Congress at the St. Regis?

Or is that a given?

I think we should follow the example of his O'lyness in transparency and openess.

For that we need a hypnotic delivery which says utterly nothing. In other words, a fine actor reading a sociology text.

Why, thank you, Reiuxcat. You're a nice kitty.

Theocritus, of course it's a given. Not so loud! And I love the idea of "virtual" detainees. Just like all those virtual voters in Minnesota.

Thank you, Pinkie; I missed that. My old computer-science days gives me virtual this and virtual that. This is useful.

We all use virtual memory. We only have so much and we move things in and out of it as needed. This is much like loading voters onto buses in New Orleans to elect Mary Landrieu. Or my current Progressive Hero: Al Frankenstein Monster.

You know, we could get Abdul and Achmed and a few others, have Maksim or Red tweak their features, and then use the Photoshop equivalent of a chromakey. Here's Abdul Mark One in front of a bit of desert. Here's Achmed Mark Three in front of another bit of desert, but this one with camel turds.

Would that be Ahmed the Terrorist?

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/ouDRDzqTu0M&h ... ram><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Reiuxcat,

I need to place an order for several detainees, the real ones not the vitrual ones. In keeping up with the upcoming massive wave of Green Legislation, I have built a large Hamster- Exercise Wheel in my backyard and I plan to have the detainees run on it all day to generate my electricity.......Oh by the way, when they expire are they bio-degradable??

Are you sure about that, Robot? Like chimps in the ape house, they shit in their hands and throw it. At real people.

Also what about that keening cry? In addition, are you willing to have a blackout five times a day?

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:Comrade Red Jim,

Ah, perfect! When I've worked my detainee to near exhaustion, I can give him a jihadi belt and send him to file a service complaint. Alternatively, I can use him as a replacement for Fourth of July fireworks!

Actually Comrade, if you can coax a little more life out of him, he can take your place at jury duty - which should finish him off. Although, the Fourth of July fireworks display is an attractive idea, but then we'd have to pool our detainees to make a real display. Oh! Oh! we could make a detainee cannon, kind of like a potato cannon but bigger.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]Are you sure about that, Robot? Like chimps in the ape house, they shit in their hands and throw it. At real people.
Also what about that keening cry? In addition, are you willing to have a blackout five times a day?
[/HIGHLIGHT]

Commissar Theo:

Thank you for your kind concern. The expendable slave laborers People's Detainees should not be making too much shit as I plan to only feed them only pork products. Also the 5 blackouts per day will be far better than the roving blackouts from the soon to be tightly government regulated public utilites system. (The wind only blows so much per year where I live.)

I take your point. And you could employ a slave Rethuglican to feed your detainees just in case.

But what about the wailing all the time? If the wind comes from the same place most of time, put your detainees downwind, which will save both your nose and ears.

Commissar M wrote:I'm thinking that if Murtha's plan doesn't work out, perhaps there would be room in the dorms and off campus housing at UC Berkeley. In the Bay area, they would be more welcomed and cared for than anyplace else in the US and they would be exposed to our most progressive and tolerant citizens. I can't imagine that anything could possibly go wrong.

For that matter, send some up my way. We can house them at The Evergreen State College. There, they will probably be given full tenure and invited to teach classes for the socially aware students.

Amherst and Brown might work too.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Thank you, Pinkie; I missed that. My old computer-science days gives me virtual this and virtual that. This is useful.

Commissar, aka the math genius,

a digression, but what the heck is an imaginary number and how does it work in the real world? Would his O'lyness be able to use it in his budgets for the USSA?

thanks,

Rcat

i is an imaginary number. It is the square root of -1. Since as you know the product of two negatives is a positive, the number doesn't exist in the real world and so is imaginary. It is however extremely useful. I used them doing loop-and-node analysis for electrical circuits. Reactive components (capacitors and inductors) have behaviors that are described with differential equations, and having even <i>two</i> reactive components in a circuit makes analysis of it intractable. A differential equation of a differential equation? Intractable. But not if you use phasors. (Not the Star Trek ones, but the imaginary numbers.) Phasors, which are merely complex numbers (a complex number is a pair of numbers: one real and one imaginary) let you figure out a circuit's behavior using linear algebra, which can be solved in O(3) time. That is on the order of the cube of the number of elements. And that's tractable. And simple. Linear algebra being by far the simplest math I've seen.

Reiuxcat, I am much taken by your idea of using imaginary numbers in budgeting.

Income will be stated in imaginary numbers, because his O'liness and Nansky haven't a clue as to what it will be. Outgo will be the same, for every entitlement's expenses will be forecast to make it politically acceptable while everyone knows that they all cost at least ten times as much as projected.

So I think that the GAO and the CBO ought to redo everything, and in Excel when you choose Currency as the format, it gives you $3,225,333.55i.

Comrades, your gift of only twenty-one dollars a month can bring hope to one unfortunate detainee like Khalid:
But make sure the money is in American currency, and send it to Interpal to be laundered, would you?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/u ... 678151.ece

Guest, I think that you are mistaken about the picture. That is not Khalid. That is Rosie O'Donnell.

You can tell them apart very simply. She has more back hair.

I think I'm going to puke....

Comrades, the Guest was myself. Sorry, despite all my indoctrination, I forgot to show my papers.
This is Rosie, with her trademark five o'clock shadow:

And I thought that sasquatch was exposed as a hoax.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:And I thought that sasquatch was exposed as a hoax.

That was just some Georgia rednecks having some fun with the yanqui invaders of the 19th century. Of course, they had to use DNA to determine the intestines were of non human origin, the rubber skin must have fooled them.

I personally think that the same scientists that the Holy Gore used to advance his theories on global warming climate change were the ones who analyzed the Sasquatch data.

They are also the ones who gave us cold fusion, squaring the circle, and perpetual motion.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I personally think that the same scientists that the Holy Gore used to advance his theories on global warming climate change were the ones who analyzed the Sasquatch data.

They are also the ones who gave us cold fusion, squaring the circle, and perpetual motion.

Cone

Climate change is certainly more appropiate. It is a term with the proper Orwellian ring to it.

The planet is warming - CLIMATE CHANGE!
The planet is cooling - CLIMATE CHANGE!
The planet core is not spinning - CLIMATE CHANGE!

Anything to make a buck. Who says dims aint in it for the $$$?

{ off }
Buck? The dollar is a fungible unit of power. I firmly believe that most of the rich are Democrats because if you can buy any car or house that you want, why not buy the behavior of lots of people? I have people who work for me and I'm utterly satisfied with asking them to do what I want, and leaving them utterly alone the rest of the time, unless there is something decent to be done.

But that's not progressive. A true progressive would, choking on hubris, design some portmanteau panacea for all the troubles of the world and make it compulsory.

It's better than sex.