On my recent lavish vacation eating my fool head off inspection trip to see the People's Works on the west coast, I had a two-hour delay coming from Phoenix to Las Vegas trying to get over Hoover Dam. The traffic was stopped on the Arizona side for literally two hours with no clue as to what had happened.

The sun set, and all of the sudden from Las Vegas I heard, and then saw, helicopters. From the Arizona size came rushing, on the wrong side of the road, fire trucks and an ambulance and a vehicle marked “Phoenix Zoo.”

Finally the line started to move, but very very slowly. I could see the helicopters hovering on the upstream side of the dam, a rope hanging down from one, and a winch lowering a man in a scuba outfit. All the while the fire trucks and the ambulance lights were flashing.

When I checked into the Encore youth hostel that night, I turned on the new LG LCD television went to the common room, and the Las Vegas news led with the following story:

Tragedy tonight at Hoover Dam. A snail darter lost its way in the water and ran against the side of the dam and died. The snail darter is an endangered species, and environmentalists calculate that there are fewer than 50 million of them left in Lake Mead. For more news we go to Greta…

Sick at the news, I turned to something interesting left the common room, my eyes glassy with boredom filled with tears.

Comrades, this insane murder of wildlife must stop. We must destroy Hoover Dam. If you have a terminal illness, why not consider being a kamikaze pilot to destroy Hoover Dam? Strap dynamite to yourself and go on the tour of the power room and blow yourself up.

It's for the Snail Darter™, for life on this earth would cease to exist as we know it if we there are fewer than 50,000,000 snail darters in Lake Mead.

Commissar,
This is my very first post at The People's Cube, what a glorious privilege this is. My hope is to blend my voice with that of the collective in the vapid manner to which the party demands. Now, what were we talking about?... oh yes the Snail Darter. The general secretary of PETA (Proletariats for the Eternal Trashing of Americans) Pamela Anderson, should pack her considerable cleavage with plastic explosives and undertake the mission of restoring the flow of the mighty Volga (Colorado) river. I believe that each of her glorious “devices” should be commemorated with the names of offensive bourgeois structures that are to be eliminated. One should be called Grand Coulee and the other… well I'll leave it to a comrade.

Welcome to the collective, Ras-Putin. Over the coming weeks you shall be given a chance to dedicate yourself to the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™, which the Chairman, Meowsevich Punchenko, assures me will really come on Tuesday.

Unless it doesn't, like it didn't last Tuesday and the one before and one before that.

Please know a few things.
1. Everything wrong with the world is Bush's fault.
2. Nothing you do has consequences.
3. It's all about how you feel.
4. If you don't know, shout and scream.
5. Never work if you can make someone else do it.
6. Much better to be self-righteous than accurate because some people buy it.
7. Pick some minority victim status and hang onto it with both hands. For example if you are white, heterosexual male you're responsible for the sacking of Rome and the Black Death in the 14th century. If you're a fashionable minority, you can commit murder and get away with it.
8. Algore is just as vain, stupid and lame as people think but he's useful, and for the most important one:
<b>9. A fashionable lie always beats the truth.</b>

There. I think that's in in a nutshell.

Kind and Fearless leader: Perhaps Ras-Putin should go one a Midnight raid or two to test his Metal. Plugs Biden said the Messiah would be tested.

Ras, I have a few questions for you.

Have you ever kicked in a door at midnight?
What is the proper response when a Rethuglican “Says I have rights?”
What percentage of your plunder goes to your illustrious leader (Me)

Oh the snail, yes errr yes, the snail is important.

Red Starr, you're damned right that snail darter is important. It needs to roam free to the Pacific. And anyway I have information that there are valuable mineral deposits under the water level of Lake Mead. The snail darter doesn't need them, does it? After all, that's like, er, a <i>fish with a bicycle</i>! But I think that it's only fitting that the Collective take charge of these mineral deposits because someone else might.

Comrade Red Star,

"Have you ever kicked in a door at midnight?" I was late and kicked it in at 12:03. 4 years in the gulag illuminated me to being prompt on state visits

"What is the proper response when a Rethuglican “Says I have rights?” Yes you unwashed swine, you also have a left too, now put it in the vise!!

"What percentage of your plunder goes to your illustrious leader (Me)" I live to serve, I have no plunder to surrender since I surrendered to the ONE!!

Now about that damn fish...

Just a minute, comrades. Where's <i>my</i> loot? Do you think that Meow is the only thieving scumbag loyal party member with needs? Do you know what it costs to keep the Rancho de Rio Grande in Varsol for the visits of Our Many Titted Empress Hillary?

And the cost of the virgins' blood for her cocktails. And when Nansky comes over I have to straighten all the walls. She doesn't lean against them, but they just sort of...let got of reality.

Absolutely Kind and Fearless leader, you obviously care deeply about the snail darter. So much that you want to wrap your protective cloak around these small defenseless creatures. There is a chance that these mineral deposits could potentially harm these sweet little creatures. I feel we must immediately remove these deposits. I will go immediately on a fact finding mission, my reservation at the MirageMotel 6 has been made. My Goons Troopers can sleep in the van.

Red Star, that seems sensible to me. But why have your troopers sleep in the van? Have them escort little old ladies out of the casinos with their winnings. We would never want something to happen to little old ladies, would we?

And I think you're right. Those mineral deposits could harm fish. They're heavy minerals. Right? Gold is a heavy mineral, right?

Ras-Putin wrote:Comrade Red Star,

"Have you ever kicked in a door at midnight?" I was late and kicked it in at 12:03. 4 years in the gulag illuminated me to being prompt on state visits

"What is the proper response when a Rethuglican “Says I have rights?” Yes you unwashed swine, you also have a left too, now put it in the vise!!

"What percentage of your plunder goes to your illustrious leader (Me)" I live to serve, I have no plunder to surrender since I surrendered to the ONE!!

Now about that damn fish...

Your first answer is somewhat correct. I will give it to you.

Your second answer is wonderful Bonus points!!!

The Third answer disturbs me, we here at the collective allow you to keep none of your plunder. 100% is to be given to your illustrious leader, to be divided up between
Commissar Theocritus, our friends but mostly me and Theocritus, the needy proles

Ras-Putin, do not worry. Grovel sufficiently as Pupovich did, and like Red Star, and Che Gourmet, and pretty soon you'll be swanking around with your spit-shined jackboots telling people they're evil because they want to keep their money.

Like all good progressives.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Red Star, that seems sensible to me. But why have your troopers sleep in the van? Have them escort little old ladies out of the casinos with their winnings. We would never want something to happen to little old ladies, would we?

And I think you're right. Those mineral deposits could harm fish. They're heavy minerals. Right? Gold is a heavy mineral, right?

Your kindness and caring is so over whelming I feel I must Sniff Sniff, Someone get me a Tissue. I shall have the Goons Troopers wait in the parking lot, we would not want them to seem overbearing. Perhaps behind the columns.

Yes yes Kind Leader, Gold Bad...Heavy Very Heavy, dangerous to snails. I could cause horrible disfiguring diseases, like errrrr, well bad things.....

Red Star, while you're scouting, do you think that you can find some old mining equipment?

And may I borrow your goons for a while? I think that I need to pay a visit to Alcoa. They know lots about refining.

Not that there's anything to refine, of course. It's all for the Snail Darter™, you know, all for the Snail Darter™.

Glorious and Kind Leader, My GoonsTroopers are your GoonsTroopers, Just remember Beef Jerky, and a Base ball bat. You do not need to hit them just pick it up. Like "Pavlov's dog"

Now need to relax a little a glass of
Remy Martin Louis XIII Grande Cognac The peoples wonderful Vodka, and a Cuban Cigar made by the collective workers in our beloved Cuba

Ah yes. Have you sampled yet the delights of Putinka Black Label potato vodka? Not more than 85% of the potatoes are moldy.

Comrades,

This is indeed a crisis, but perhaps not quite the one the right-wing media would have us believe. Allow me to give vent to stream of consciousness:

My interpretation is that the snail darter in question, having but one life to live, intentionally gave it for its fellow genus, perhaps with motivation in the form of drugged organic fish food. The snail darter is a metaphor for us all: Without government intervention, where and what would we be? Why, up/in sh*t creek and fish food (for more highly adapted fish and other predators).

From what I understand, President Hoover was essentially FDR Lite and set the stage for the great perverter builder of life-saving laws, hole-filling work groups, and policies that continue to lead us to the Glorious Socialist Present and Future. Yet Hoover is damned. It is an enigma. Oh, wait, he was a Republican. Ah, I see.

Prior to becoming a President, Hoover was a mining engineer who worked in Australia and made stole quite a bit of money. Perhaps he used that money to single-handedly build the dam himself just to kill the snail darter like the natural born Republican killer they all are, those reactionaries.

Tovarich, do you think that perhaps the snail darter was in its own way a kamikaze fish? In protest against the injustice of obstructing Mother Gaia?

Once I saw a protester in California who lay down in front of a railroad train delivering, I think, coal, to a power plant. The train could not stop and cut off his legs. I laughed until I shit myself mourned at the loss suffered by that useless, lazy, whining, moaning, self-dramatizing layabout, in every sense of the word noble man of conscience.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

Yes. It was a small fish in a big dog-eat-dog exploitative capitalist pond, showing us that one person, or piscine, can make a difference. Moreover, I think this settles the question of whether fish have feelings and, by extension, political and class consciousness.

The protester--marvelous! We need more of them, especially if they will sleep on the tracks, using a rail as a pillow, and at night, thus giving the train even less opportunity to stop and thereby furthering the media cause to cover railroad railroading, coal power, snail darters, the bums homeless, etc.

You know, Tovarich, there are times that I do wonder, deep in the dark of night, if it is right of us to make use of self-righteous fools without a life earnest protestors against injustice. But then I realize that this is their best use. They could be voting the homeless for ACORN or they can give their lives for the Party, and keep it in the public eye.

Yes comrades, I laugh my eyes well up when I think of these Idiotspeople's heroes giving there all for the cause. When I drive the Peoples F-350 down the New Jersey Turnpike at 75 Miles per hours hear the Turbo Charger sing, some times I think that I'm a bad person, but then I remember that I am a member of the party and my good intentions alone more than make up for my 11 mile per gallon behemoth. That as I roll by the proles, I am just better than them. I beam with pride for the idiots, protesters sitting in a tree in the people's republic of Berkley. I must admit I fantasize about a chain saw put at the base of that tree.

Perhaps this is how the Big Mouth Bass feels about the Snail Darter. The Bass is not angry at the Snail Darter just better.

But Comrades we must immediately remove the metals and what ever things that might harm our finned friends. Perhaps we need to be close, to monitor the Snail Darter. We should immediately make plans to build Dachas on the shore of Lake Meade, Put monitor boats in the water and go water skiing. Yes we need to be aware.

I'm thinking. You know, a catfish might grow well on the snail darter and have you ever had really good fried catfish? Beats fried rat on a stick any day. That is, if you're not accustomed to fried rat on a stick and if you are nothing else will do. It's like getting used to a Big Mac when you have never had a Whataburger.

Comrades I hereby nominate the Snail Darter to replace the Red Herring as the official Party fish.

Comrades,

I second Comrade Whoopie's nomination. After all, green is the new red, except for red-green color-blind comrades who have the advantage of seeing that it's all the same.

Regarding catfish, where I spent most of my life back in the USSA, there were only two types of fish: catfish and the square ones at McDonald's. Well, there were crayfish as well, but I'm a crawdad man myself.

Yes, here at the Rancho we call them crawdads too.

I think that Comrade Whoopie is right. The People's Progressive Fish should now be the Snail Darter.

Billions and billions served!

Where is it they're called crawfish then?

In cookbooks and on the half-pound frozen ones from China. Saute garlic and shallots, throw in the frozen shellfish and serve over angel-hair pasta. Che would no doubt add cream to it.

You know, I just about cried when I read your story Theo. I can't believe there are only that many snail darters left?! Send out the comradkazies (Kamikazie sounds a bit too imperialsistic in my book).

(off)
fifty million is a lot of animals, heck, NYC, Mexico City, and Tokyo combined are still smaller in comparison.

Elliott, the number of fish is not important. The equation is

number of tears + number of sighs = outrage

And it's the outrage that we seek. You can work with outrage.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:In cookbooks and on the half-pound frozen ones from China. Saute garlic and shallots, throw in the frozen shellfish and serve over angel-hair pasta. Che would no doubt add cream to it.

Ahh...Si Commissar Theocritis,

Cream, of course, but did you know that our comrade, Marshal Pups' peoples' home state of Louisana produces 90% of all the crayfish, crawdads, mudbugs, yabbies.....whatever you wish to call them, and consumes 70% of the same? As Pup would say, "Suck the head; pinch the tail!"

My vote for the Peoples' fish would be Red Snapper! mmmmmmm........now there's a fish I can work with!

Che, once I was giving a going-away dinner for a friend. I made tagliatelle, and roasted chicken thighs on aromatic vegetables. I heated heavy cream and my gorgonzola had gone bad. The nearest good store is 80 miles away and I thought that just this once Kraft might make something edible, and got some of their blue cheese. Only to melt in the cream.

It smelled like a Baytown refinery and ruined the hand-made pasta and chicken.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Elliott, the number of fish is not important. The equation is

number of tears + number of sighs = outrage

And it's the outrage that we seek. You can work with outrage.

The NEA's dominatrix sensitivity training class didn't teach me that equation. It does explain the Global Warming Climate Change Crisis (the CCC).

Always remember, Elliott, that truth is a liability. Perception is gold. For example 20 years ago I happened to know George W. Bush, and I hate to say this among comrades, but he is not an idiot. Far from it. And he keeps his word. But I'm so glad that the MSM has made people think that he's a liar and a cheat and an idiot. It would never do for people to know he's a good man.

Commissar Theocritus,

Have confession to make. I voted for "Not being murdered in your bed". Been paranoid ever since Felix stabbed me in the back and threw me in canal.

Speaking of gold, any results on minerals/metals at bottom of Lake? I would like to help in removal as punishment for my selfish vote.

We still have to figure out a way to blow up the dam. And we have not discussed it but there are other advantages to blowing up Hoover Dam: it will turn out the lights on many hundreds of thousands of homes and people will die of thirst.

Because as we all know, mankind is a blight on the face of the earth. A truly compassionate progressive should want the earth to have all the minerals that she had before man appeared. After all, those minerals were formed by the explosion of a supernova, which is natural thing. Mankind is not a natural thing. Mankind is an abomination which must be ruled and controlled and exterminated, leaving the earth pristine for the banded cockroach and the Stephens kangaroo rat.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Always remember, Elliott, that truth is a liability. Perception is gold. For example 20 years ago I happened to know George W. Bush, and I hate to say this among comrades, but he is not an idiot. Far from it. And he keeps his word. But I'm so glad that the MSM has made people think that he's a liar and a cheat and an idiot. It would never do for people to know he's a good man.

The problem with people thinking he's an idiot though is it's a false perception, a lie.

You can't blow up the dam! That would kill all the cute little sea kittens in the lake. ... Oh. Wait. Say, if the PETA sea kittens are sea creatures then are fresh water fish just plain old fish? PETA doesn't explain this very well. By definition a "sea kitten" should be a sea kitten so I suppose a fish in a fresh water lake would simply be another dumb fish. Okay. Wow, I figured that out all by myself.

Blast away!

Margaret, I understand what you say. But you, one of my mentors in Progressivism, I think have lost sight of the real thrust of this.

What it is is not important. What people think it is is important.

How else do we explain His O'liness?

Man, thanks Commissar Theocritus! Now, I want some crawfish pasta.

Man, every once in while, I miss the stinky, wretched crap-hole Glorious Progressive Utopia that is New Orleans.

Not enough to move back and risk drowning but....


Oh yeah, and uh, save the snail darter!

Screw the snail darter. Give me the minerals.

Doh. Did I say that out loud?

Grigori E.R. wrote:Commissar Theocritus,

Have confession to make. I voted for "Not being murdered in your bed".

Well, since we are soon to have Card-Check voting, I confess that I voted for the slug, er, glorious people's snail darters; not for the fish, but as a way to control those idiot proles that need higher taxes.

Commissar M wrote:Man, every once in while, I miss the stinky, wretched crap-hole Glorious Progressive Utopia that is New Orleans.

Not enough to move back and risk drowning but....

What I miss is those drive-through frozen daiquiri places.

$.$., you can have those in Texas.

Theocritus,

Meow tried to sell me some cracked Waterford wine glasses. Judging by the quality -- or the former quality, really -- I am guessing they were yours. Say, how about you fly up here to Washington and I'll have them ready for you! Bring a bathing suit.

Nancy

Nansky, dear, I have no idea what you're talking about. I got rid of all my Waterford some while ago. And my Wedgwood too. And my Reed and Barton. I just don't need such frippery here while I'm elbow-deep in the hard work of impaling proles. Chinette is about as fancy as I get.

So, I do thank you dear Nansky, but those <i>can't</i> be mine.

....Bruno. I <i>told</i> you that that rat bastard Meow would make off with the crystal if you took your eyes off him, but no, would you believe me? I <i>told</i> you he'd distract you and that he did when he gave you a DVD of <i>The Wizard of Oz</i>.