Comrades, do you like to criticize others? Are you smarter than everyone else but is the world too dense and dimwitted to recognize your true genius? Do you have an Ivy League degree in AGW theory, womyn's studies or some other politically-correct useless field? Then maybe you should see if you have what it takes to

BECOME A BIG-TIME POLITICAL PUNDIT!

Yes, as a big-time political pundit (or BTPP as they are known in the trade) you'll attend smart cocktail parties and socialize with others as snobbish and out-of-touch as you are. You'll have the ear of hack politicians of all stripes who are looking to use you as much as you want to use them. You'll get to insult people you don't like and denigrate ideas with which you disagree using ten-dollar words to express ten-cent thoughts. Best of all, you'll have the respect that comes with your banal ramblings appearing in seldom-read moribund publications that self-styled "intelligent" people think are important so they carry them around in their briefcases and display them on their coffee tables. As a bonus, if you don't look like a squashed frog (or in some cases, even if you do) you could make the transition to TV and appear on cable news shout fests, funereal Sunday public affairs programs or even something on PBS! You will be held in high regard as an expert in things you know nothing about even though you never accomplished anything real in your life and generally don't know sh*t about toilets!

Sound interesting? Then read on....

The Famous Pundits Home Study Course can teach YOU to use glib pronouncements, circular logic, catch phrases and principles of group think in order to wax eloquent on topics which are otherwise opaque to you. Our faculty is composed of some of the most popular, widely-read and respected pundits in the country, such as:

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Napoleon Kurgman - featured columnist at the New York Lies, Kurgman has won as many Nobel Prizes as Barack Obama. Kurgman has never met a budget deficit he didn't like, unless it was generated under a Republican Administration, of course!

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David Gurgen - Mister Conventional Wisdom, David brings a thoughtful, nuanced approach to policy issues, carefully analyzing all sides of an argument before coming down on the liberal side. Political junkies will no doubt remember how David stole the show as emcee in the recent Brown-Coakley Massachusetts Senate debate.

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EJ Dijon-Mustard - A nationally-syndicated columnist whose work appears in many of Amerikka's finest fading daily fishwraps as well as being the author of many unread bargain bin & clearance sale tomes.

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What about you? You don't have to be a hyper-educated feckless pseudo-intellectual in order to join the ranks of the nation's elite political pontificators (although that sure helps.) Many of the country's best loved commentators were discovered writing speeches for inarticulate politicians or press-releases for PR firms trying to explain away a celebrity scandal. All it takes is a total lack of imagination, a dedication to pursue your agenda in spite of the facts and an ability to turn a hackneyed phrase.... Oh, and a definite left-to-far-left political philosophy which you yak about until everyone's ears start to bleed.

Do you have what it takes? Take the simple test below and send it in along with a check for $25,000 (tuition for lesson 1) to the Famous Pundits Home Study Course,
c/o Democrat-Media Complex Inc, 55 K Street, Washington, DC.


Testimonials from some of our former students:

I was just a mentally deranged sportscaster until I took this course. Now I'm a widely-followed important news commentator!
- Keith Olbermun

I was a grumpy old fart nobody listened to and then I discovered the Famous Pundits Course. Now, I'm a grumpy old well-paid fart nobody listens to!
- Andy Looney

I'm what passes for HUMOR on NPR, thanks to this course!
- Garrison Keeledover

GLORIOUS!!!!!

Now where are those scissors of mine...

This brought a tear to eye! I have the calling! And in this horrendous Obama Bush economy, I could use an income for another package of dried beets. Also, I had one of those chilly things run up and down my stomach.. does that count? (barf)

I can be as snooty, as arrogant, as ignorant and as elitist as any of those crap
py pundit on MSNBCBS. This is so glorious. . . . I think I have my first story.

Testimonials my ass! I took that lousy course and all I got was a job working as an unpaid intern at the People's Cube.

I was hoping to get a no-show job that paid $70,000 at Air America like that cute little fella Rachael Maddow. Or maybe a bowl of rice and a cot in a NoKo prison like some journalist at Al Gore's TV network.

But noooo, not me. I'm stuck here fetching coffee for Red Square. On a positive note they did give me the key to the executive washroom (along with a toilet brush and can of scouring powder).

Now the question is: has Comrade Whoopie going to get a ass'whoop'n? I'd say this sounds awfully close to sedition. I'm just say'n, I wouldn't want to give any back talk to Comrade Red Square, if it were me. I hear that subversives are sent over to intern for Ann Coulter! spit spit

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Testimonials my ass! I took that lousy course and all I got was a job working as an unpaid intern at the People's Cube.

I was hoping to get a no-show job that paid $70,000 at Air America like that cute little fella Rachael Maddow. Or maybe a bowl of rice and a cot in a NoKo prison like some journalist at Al Gore's TV network.

But noooo, not me. I'm stuck here fetching coffee for Red Square. On a positive note they did give me the key to the executive washroom (along with a toilet brush and can of scouring powder).

Please to note, Comrade Whoopie, but Keith Olberman started his career in the washroom and will probably finish it there, too.

PS Unlike me, at least you got a brush. This is unprecedented.

Fraulein Pulloskies wrote:Now the question is: has Comrade Whoopie going to get a ass'whoop'n? I'd say this sounds awfully close to sedition. I'm just say'n, I wouldn't want to give any back talk to Comrade Red Square, if it were me. I hear that subversives are sent over to intern for Ann Coulter! spit spit

Fraulein, dissent is tolerated and even encouraged in the collective for dissent is the highest form of patriotism.... oh, wait, that was our pre-2009 principle. I forgot to reset my teleprompter.... here we go.... KILL THE TRAITOROUS VERMIN WHO WANT THE COLLECTIVE TO FAIL!!!!!!

Opiate of the People wrote:
Fraulein, dissent is tolerated and even encouraged in the collective for dissent is the highest form of patriotism.... oh, wait, that was our pre-2009 principle. I forgot to reset my teleprompter.... here we go.... KILL THE TRAITOROUS VERMIN WHO WANT THE COLLECTIVE TO FAIL!!!!!!

Dear Comrade Opiate ~ You are so correct! How did I forget, "dissent", is da'best, which I believe is a quote from glorious Highass, Comrade Hillary, "the most cheated on woman in the world". But I am now confused since TOTUS is always correct. (corpsman IS NOW pronouced "CORPSE-MAN" in honor of Dear Leader).

My heart is a'feared for dearest Comrade Whoopie.

My favorite David Gurgen moment!


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"Nobody sets policy in there. We try to be gentlemen."




Hot Fun In The Summertime

I think periodical refresher courses (like one or two hours ever summer) on whatever the Current Truth^TM is would be helpful, because as you know, the current truth is ever changing. Global warming today, climate change tomorrow. George W. Bush was evil for the surge in Iraq, but Joe Biden now says that Iraq is one of Obama's greatest achievements.

Grampa Joe? Will you tell us a fairy tale?"

"Why sure, kids. Did you ever hear the story of how Senator Perfect, the Clean and Articulate Prince, tricked Dumb ol' George into doing the right thing?"

"No Garampa Joe! Tell it! Tell it!"

"Well of course the Surge was one of Obama's greatest acheivements! You just have to understand how clever he really is. Look, he's the Lightworker, right? The Transcendent Being sent to lead us to a higher plane of existence. We all agree on that. Bushitler, on the other hand, is the right hand of Evil, the servant of stupid, the footboy off all lies and he doesn't smell as good as His Obamaness.

So here's what happened. The One knew that the surge was needed. He also knew that Bushitler is evil and stupid and wanted all the American Soldiers to die so that their bodies would eventually turn into oil that Haliburton could drill for and continue destroying the planet with global warming. Unless the surge happened, these soldiers were done for!

Now, Obama, being the clever man that he is, knew that if HE had stood up in the senate and said, "by golly, what we need here is a surge of troops to win the war," mean ol' Bushitler would have said, 'pooh-pooh, nay-nay. I'm not going to send more troops, because that would be the right thing to do, and I'm always going to do the wrong thing. It's what us Evil types do." So instead, Senator Perfect talked bad about the troops, and bad about the war, and bad about sending more troops to the war. That made poor old simple George think, "If this Obama guy is against it, it has to be what I want to do, because everything he says I'm going to do just exactly the opposite."

And that's how clever Senator Perfect made mean ol' George do what was right. It's only fitting that he should get the credit now."

Thank you, Comrade Betinov. That was most enlightening. It's always refreshing to get a true version of the Current Truth.