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As untold hoards of well-armed and equipped Guardians of Shia Islam pour into Mesopotamia from Southern Eurasia to quench the fires of rampant workplace violence, Ayatollah Khamenei sought to remind the observing western governments, powerless as they were to intervene, that they need not worry. "This is the way wars end," he assures us.

"Throughout all of civilization, a subject in which we Iranians have the most experience, it appears that major powers have fought wars until the moment their enemies began to fight their wars for them. The Persians, The Greeks, the Romans, the Sassanids, the Hittites, The Danes, the Ottomans, The Bulgars, the Utahns and the Kazakhs…all left their subdued territories open to occupation, for other foes to take their place as the guardians of their way of life. Never was a militant subject to unconditional surrender. Today, we see again the signs that peace and tranquility is overcoming the violence and hatred of presidential terms past."

Though peaceful and nonthreatening as the Red Jihad may appear, government data mysteriously and fortunately not consumed by a state-wide plague of malicious software show the possibility that this Jihad is the wrong shade of red, even having the potential to evolve into a Tea Party rally, or other world crisis. However, until such an instance presents itself, the White house has promised to "not do any stupid shizz."

"Absolutely no U.S. intervention is on the table," the President told reporters.

"We have considered every available course of action, (except for the above, of course) and we all agree, peace is the answer to agressivessness.”

Americans rest assured that, on the first night of the full moon to coincide with Friday the thirteenth of June in a century, Joe Bidens double barreled shotgun will remain holstered in the cavity of his skill.

[highlight=#c0c0c0] "Joe bidens double barreled shotgun will remain holstered in the cavity of his skill".[/highlight]....along with the nicknacks, paddywacks and pompadours. Ol' Plugs to the rescue.

These instructions may come back in vogue: