BREAKING RELEASE: NK Missile Launch Memo

A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO BE RELEASED TO ALL FRIENDLY MEDIA OUTLETS -- WHICH WOULD BE ALL OF THEM EXCEPT FOR FOX (With special exception to you, Geraldo).

From: America’s sweetheart, Chairman M. S. Punchenko

To: Friendly media outlets, useful-idiots, and Stephen Colbert.

Subject: NK missile launch.

Dearest Comrades,

I have recently spoken to President Obama via blackberry and can assure you all that a very, very angry-sounding letter will be sent to Kim Jong-Il immediately concerning North Korea’s latest missile launch.

The White House, President Obama tells me, is very, very upset and finds Kim Jong-Il’s missile launch to be “inappropriate” and “completely uncalled for“. President Obama also informs me that he is “saddened” and will do “everything possible to ensure that North Korea’s hurt feeling are hurt no more and that they are the ones they have been waiting for“.

President Obama, as you all know, is a deep-thinking man capable of solving the most pressing diplomatic complications through the power of his grace, charm and freakishly sexy pectoral muscles. President Obama has assured me that a thoughtful gift, possibly another autographed basketball (or iPod) followed by a very stern angry-sounding letter , will disarm this latest international battle of wills and will once more bring peace and balance to the international community -- or a President Obama calls them, our boss.

PEOPLE'S UPDATE -- President Obama has also instructed me, via blackberry, that he is also "mildy disappointed".

PEOPLE’S UPDATE II -- My sources in the State Department inform me of the Secretary of State's reaction to this development

“ Secretary Clinton is mildly disappointed in this latest launch of a non-threatening man-made aero-projectile that may or may not come close to the U.S. or U.S. allies and which could pose a threat -- a man-made threat -- which, we think, and she thinks, is a non-threat but a situation that is being closely monitored”.

PEOPLE’S UPDATE III -- DoD weighs in:

“We are mildly disappointed”.

PEOPLE’S UPDATE IV -- Homeland Security weighs in:

“We are saddened but not quick to say we are mildly disappointed -- to say we are mildly disappointed could be seen as too confrontational at this time. We feel this launch is a non-issue, a non-threat and something that should not be spoken about -- in public, that is. It should not be spoken about in public. Better yet, don‘t release this statement since we are not suppose to be talking about this non-issue and obvious non-threat in the public sphere”.
 

Yano what would be even funnier is if this launch is observed by an alien race that has decided when even one the most broken down and poorly functioning nation on earth can launch an object into space, that it is time to contact earth.

Kinda like Juche loving communist Vulcans.
 

Does this mean that a coup is in order? I truly hope so as there are lots of worthy converts to our glorious system in Seoul and all points south. And as always, I will ensure that nothing is fishy should a coup take place.
 

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

I have recently spoken to President Obama via blackberry and can assure you all that a very, very angry-sounding letter will be sent to Kim Jong-Il immediately concerning North Korea’s latest missile launch.

The White House, President Obama tells me, is very, very upset and finds Kim Jong-Il’s missile launch to be “inappropriate” and “completely uncalled for“. President Obama also informs me that he is “saddened” and will do “everything possible to ensure that North Korea’s hurt feeling are hurt no more and that they are the ones they have been waiting for“.

Comrade Chairman, please forgive me for any unwarranted guilt or sorrow you may have experienced by this and my not reporting this to you sooner. But you need not worry about Comarade Kim Jonh Il, as he has expressed his guilt and sorrow over this unfortunate, yet unavoidable situation that was foisted upon him by the Bushilter regime.

Why, the Dear Leader was Reduced to Tears when he contemplated the cost of this rocket that could have been used to feed his people! But what choice did he have? The people needed a satellite to beam down glorious victory songs to the People!
 

Marshal Pupovich

Why, the Dear Leader was Reduced to Tears when he contemplated the cost of this rocket that could have been used to feed his people! But what choice did he have? The people needed a satellite to beam down glorious victory songs to the People!

Yes, and he even skipped several meals to demonstrate how much he sympathizes with the People. As their Dear Leader, he goes hungry when they do. Look at his sacrifice:







His Porcine Majesty isn't looking too hot, is he? Indeed, to judge by the picture, this sepulchral figure can barely weigh half as much as he did a few years ago. His Mao suit is ill-fitted and almost empty. His skin is practically hanging off his face. He is shown wearing huge face-concealing sunglasses favored by ailing Hollywood divas (think Elizabeth Taylor) while clutching the pool’s two side rails for support. It's very clear from those pictures that he's quite sick and liable to roll over and die at any moment. If he does, North Korea might just crumble.
 

Marshal Pupovich

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

I have recently spoken to President Obama via blackberry and can assure you all that a very, very angry-sounding letter will be sent to Kim Jong-Il immediately concerning North Korea’s latest missile launch.

The White House, President Obama tells me, is very, very upset and finds Kim Jong-Il’s missile launch to be “inappropriate” and “completely uncalled for“. President Obama also informs me that he is “saddened” and will do “everything possible to ensure that North Korea’s hurt feeling are hurt no more and that they are the ones they have been waiting for“.

Comrade Chairman, please forgive me for any unwarranted guilt or sorrow you may have experienced by this and my not reporting this to you sooner. But you need not worry about Comarade Kim Jonh Il, as he has expressed his guilt and sorrow over this unfortunate, yet unavoidable situation that was foisted upon him by the Bushilter regime.

Why, the Dear Leader was Reduced to Tears when he contemplated the cost of this rocket that could have been used to feed his people! But what choice did he have? The people needed a satellite to beam down glorious victory songs to the People!

It was most definitely a no-brainer for Jong-Il - music over food. Although I will assume he will take that with a grain of rice.
 

Comrade Rahmovich.....May I first suggest that you re-consider your nom de guerre? We are seeing a backlash here in the collective toward proles who have yet to even graduate from the Karl Marx Reeducation Center, take on titles to which they have not been granted? We Commissars, as valued more equal than members of the Inner Circle, know all to well the work, the groveling, the plotting and backstabbing it took for us to be recognized by the Party. And you would dare to tweak the nose of the Dear Leader Kim Yong Il with your off the shelf false title?? No, what you need to do is get in line for the KMRC and practice your shovel skills..
 

Comrade Joe

His Porcine Majesty isn't looking too hot, is he? Indeed, to judge by the picture, this sepulchral figure can barely weigh half as much as he did a few years ago.

LOL, no, he is not looking hot at all? Practically disappeared! Oh wait, no, it is his picture that is not showing comrade!
 

Marshal Pupovich

Comrade Joe

His Porcine Majesty isn't looking too hot, is he? Indeed, to judge by the picture, this sepulchral figure can barely weigh half as much as he did a few years ago.

LOL, no, he is not looking hot at all? Practically disappeared! Oh wait, no, it is his picture that is not showing comrade!

OK, I re-posted them. Better?
 

Much better Comrade.....I hope I increased your guilt this evening?