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Chairman! We Need You Desperately!

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Honored Chairman, I do hope today sees you sober..healthy, happy, and far from my back pocket prosperous. It is with a heavy heart that I find myself having to call upon you to once again, come to the service of the Party in a way that only you can do. As we all know, it is but a matter of time before our beloved Sen. Ted "The Swimmer" Kennedy will be called upon to enter his mausoleum in the Congress that is even now being prepared so that he may continue to serve the USSA as a figure to inspire the People forever more.

For a time, this seemed as if this was going to be a nearly seamless passing of the torch. Then for Lenin knows what reason, Comrade Caroline Kennedy apparently succumbed to some most non-progressive sense of shame or fear that her private life would somehow prevent her from serving in the position anointed for her to inherit with the MTE's elevation to secretary. (BTW, Hillary has still not brought the coffee and cookies we ordered!) With this unforeseeable incident, we may soon be faced with the Congress not having a Kennedy in it's ranks! This simply will not do!

What has been done by fiat by the New York governor can be undone! Chairman, we need a Kennedy in Congress, and who would make for a better Kennedy than you dear Chairman? Who among us has been passing as a Kennedy like you? So with all the sincerity that I can bring to bear, please Chairman, take this into consideration. I have no doubt it would prove to be quite profitable for you.

Chairman for Senator!

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I'm going to need a bottle of scotch, lubricant and a paperclip. Oh, and I'm going to need a neck brace.

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Marshal Pupovich
A Congress without a Kennedy is...is....is unthinkable. I can barely speak the words. I Second the Nomination. Chairman for Senator!

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Isn't Pinkie a Kennedy? I seem to remember that happening in between Brad Pitt and her becoming a Hussie

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Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I'm going to need a bottle of scotch, lubricant and a paperclip. Oh, and I'm going to need a neck brace.

Consider it done. If course one can easily see the need for the scotch, lubricant, and neck brace. But dare I ask what the paper clip is for? Chairman, we simply cannot have a Congress without a Kennedy. It's in the Constitution or something, or it will be as soon as the Obama can find his crayon.

I can hardly wait till the Sen Edward "The Swimmer" Kennedy Mausoleum and Fried Rat of a Stick Kiosk is unveiled. I am heavily invested in that franchise as you can imagine.

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Ivan Betinov wrote:Isn't Pinkie a Kennedy? I seem to remember that happening in between Brad Pitt and her becoming a Hussie

I seem to recall some sort of plot of hers along those lines. but I ask you, who has the most experience being a Kennedy? Who has the honesty, integrity, and moral backbone to match the Chairman? Pinkie can bide her time.

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Marshal Pupovich wrote:Chairman, we simply cannot have a Congress without a Kennedy.

Actually, we do have a Kennedy in Congress, Pup.

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Wikipedia wrote:Patrick J. Kennedy became the youngest member of the Kennedy political family to hold elected office in 1988, when he won election to the Rhode Island State Assembly at age 21.

In November 1994, Patrick defeated Republican Kevin Vigilante for the first district in the United States House of Representatives, and continues to hold this office. He was one of four Democrats in the 1994 election to take a congressional seat that had just been held by a Republican, while Republicans gained dozens of seats to take over the House. Kennedy currently serves on the House Appropriations Committee's Subcommittees on Labor, Health and Human Services, and Education; and on Science, State, Justice and Commerce. From 1999 to 2001, he served as Chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.

Kennedy twice considered running against Republican Senator Lincoln Chafee, in 2000 and 2006. In the 2000 Senate recruiting phase, Dick Gephardt moved Kennedy to the House Appropriations Committee, a high profile assignment that led Kennedy to pass up the Senate opportunity for 2000.

On his House web page, Kennedy denied that he would make a bid for the Senate in the mid-term elections, but on March 28, 2005 it was reported that he was considering running again. The speculation ended March 30 with Kennedy's announcement that he would not run for the US Senate, but would seek reelection to the House.

Should Kennedy be elected to the Senate while his father remains representing Massachusetts, the two would become the second father and son to serve concurrently, after Henry Dodge (Wisconsin) and Augustus C. Dodge (Iowa).

Wowwy! If I were a Kennedy I too could run for office at 21 and win! Gee golly whiz, Comrades, the people of Rhode Island must really, really like the Kennedy clan if they're willing to put a 21-year-old kid in office!

Oh, oh! A true mark of a Kennedy:

Wikipedia wrote:
Kennedy has acknowledged being treated for cocaine use during his teenage years, and admitted that he abused drugs and alcohol while he was a student at Providence College.

He sought treatment for an OxyContin addiction in 2006.

In 2000, Kennedy was accused of pushing a security guard at LAX. City prosecutors
ultimately decided not to bring criminal charges against him and he paid an undisclosed civil settlement to the alleged victim almost two years later.

In 2000, Atlantic Navigation Company of Mystic, Connecticut claimed that a boat they rented to Kennedy was found abandoned off Martha's Vineyard with $28,000 worth of damage.

The same year, the Coast Guard was dispatched to Kennedy's yacht after he and his date became embroiled in an argument on his yacht off Martha's Vineyard.

In 2003, Kennedy was criticised for saying "I have never worked a fucking day in my life," which his staff later claimed was a satirical reference to repeated charges of never having worked.

In 2007, the Kennedy camp stated that they will retain $6,600 in donations from fugitive Democratic fundraiser Norman Hsu. Kennedy is one of the few Democrats not to return or donate these contributions. This is a controversial action because of the allegation that Hsu has been using his personal funds to unfairly influence Washington.



It gets better:

Wikipedia wrote:
On May 4, 2006, Kennedy crashed his 1997 Ford Mustang convertible into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 2:45AM. An FOP official said the congressman had appeared intoxicated when he crashed his car, but Kennedy claimed that he was merely disoriented from prescription medications Ambien and Phenergan.

Anonymous sources are alleged to have seen Kennedy drinking at the nearby Hawk & Dove bar prior to the accident. Kennedy also stated to officers that he was "late for a vote." However, the last vote of the night had occurred almost six hours earlier. The standard field sobriety test was not administered, and Kennedy was driven home by an officer.

On May 5, 2006, Kennedy admitted that he had an addiction to prescription medication and announced he would be re-admitting himself to a drug rehabilitation facility at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota where he has sought treatment for prior addictions. He has stated that he has no recollection of the car crash. On May 8, 2006, Kennedy got a show of support when he was endorsed by the Rhode Island Democratic Party. On June 5, 2006 Kennedy was released from drug rehab.

After being asked if he expected any special treatment from authorities, Kennedy expressed that he hoped they would treat him as if he "were an African-American in Anacostia". On June 13, 2006, Kennedy made a deal with prosecutors and pleaded guilty to a charge of driving under the influence of prescription drugs.
<br>He was sentenced to one year probation and a fine of $350. Two of the three charges (reckless driving and failure to exhibit a driving permit) were dismissed. He was also ordered to attend a rehabilitation program that includes weekly urine tests, twice-weekly meetings with a probation officer, near-daily Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and a weekly meeting of recovering addicts.

He is the future, Comrades. Pat Kennedy is the future of the Kennedy clan. He will make a fine senator one day.

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He certainly has all the qualifications:

- Problem with cars (shades of Uncle Ted)

- Problem with vehicles and water (just like Unk)

- Inhales Ethanol like a Fish (ditto)

Just throw 200 pounds on him and drown a female staff member in his name, and you've got Ted All Over Againtm.

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Forgive me Chairman, I forgot all about this Kennedy, but once I read the bit about him being arrested for DWI and then claiming he was late for a vote, the memory kicked back in. Truly this Patrick is evidence of that old saw "the turd doesn't fall far from the anus."

Yet I still will support you Chairman if you should see fit to be the next Kennedy in the Senate. Frankly, this Patrick is but a pale reflection of your well known talents.

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Chairman,

I just knew you had to be related somehow, no matter how remote the connection, to the Kennedys.

This, alone, makes you very qualified for the (soon to be vacated by timely demise), Senate seat of the great Progressive state of Massachusetts.

You wouldn't have to worry at all about being vetted. And the collective's Agitprop Dept, including Media, the Party's spokesdog, would cover spread the correct story to all.

Even if some snoopy reporter got wind of your past exploits, I am sure that the MSM and Media would hide or destroy,.... smooth the way for your bid to replace Comrade Leader,Teddy!
You should definitely consider this, Chairman....and besides, you would still have plenty of free time to do as you wish, since Congress is out of session more often than in session.


 
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