Changing the inequality of "happy hour" and "bar time"

Recently I walked past The Glorious Revolution of Hope and Change of November, 2008 People's Drinking and Eating Establishment for The Noble Working Class #43 and saw a sign in their window that read "Happy Hour 4-6pm".

I glanced at my watch and saw that it did not read "Happy Hour" but rather was showing "Denounce Republicans Hour", and further that it was 4:30pm, not the 4:45pm showing inside the bar. To my horror, I was told that they were on "bar time", and that a happy "hour" lasted two hours! Needless to say I had to investigate this peculiar manipulation of time further, so I ordered a bottle of vodka, a plate of beets, a dried heel of black rye and sawdust bread, used my meat ration for a portion of a soy and pork sausage, and sat down to study on the matter further.

The bartender told me they set their clocks 15 minutes fast (and without a license!) to ensure that patrons were not served past the curfew hour, and that during happy hour, food and drink was discounted in order to attract customers. Further interrogationdrunken ravings still could not determine how the bar could place some time over other time, and move their clocks ahead without a license. I did find that my rubles purchased more vodka and food during the happy hour, which I attribute to an unlicensed manipulation of time.

Therefore, in order to fix the inequality of happy hour and regular hours in bars, and the peculiar nature of bar time, where everything is 15 minutes faster than the real world, the Office of The Department of The Commissar of Time has rendered the following ruling.

1.) All hours in bars shall be termed "happy hours". This is to ensure that time is treated in an equal and just fashion, and that an unhappy hour shall not be different from a happy hour. Since happy is better than unhappy, and happy is conducive to good self esteem, all hours shall be termed "happy".
2.) Bar time is now an official measurement of Time(TM). Bars are allowed to exist in a time that is 15 minutes faster than the rest of the world. This is to ensure proper compliance with curfew regulations.
3.) Whoever is in charge of the sausage and bread contract to State Bars shall be shot.


 

Two points comrade:

1) I drink cologne alone, yeah with nobody else.

2) In the gulag it's always happy hour, but all they have is warm beet soda.
 

Drinking alone may not be a party approved activity, as without the collective whole to monitor your drunken thoughts, you might commit thoughtcrime.

Since when did the gulags get soda? And why is it warmed in the wintertime?
 

Um... let's say, hypothetically, I'm not happy every hour that I'm in a bar? Would I get in trouble?

How will this affect those of use who spend the Two Minutes Hate swearing at the bar telescreen, f'rinstance? May we still hate while we're happy? And would we hate fifteen minutes before the rest of The Party? Should we hate for seventeen minutes so they catch up?
 

Ahh see Comrade Pasternak, the *hour itself* is happy. What you do with it, depends on how you have been alloted time. And *THAT* is between you and your commissar.
 

Thank you for the elucidation, O Gracious-Though-By-No-Means-Indulgent Colonel! And a doublethank to you for letting us all run on Happytime![sup]TM[/sup]

...Which rather sounds like a euphemism for something, but like you said, between me and my Commissar...



 

This is a most equal idea. If it is always Happy Hour, then there will be no drunken brawls at midnight, and an endless supply of peanuts. But is there never a time when you make that final decision of desperation of "to hook-up or not to hook-up" in the wee hours of the morning?"
 

It is always Happy Hour(TM) in bars, but they must adhere to standard Closing Time(TM) as well. And since they also run on Bar Time(TM), Closing Time(TM) is 15 minutes ahead of Standard Time(TM) which gives you plenty of time to stagger home or to a cab before curfew.
 

Colonel 7.62

Drinking alone may not be a party approved activity, as without the collective whole to monitor your drunken thoughts, you might commit thoughtcrime.

Since when did the gulags get soda? And why is it warmed in the wintertime?

Comrade, every fellow travelers eventually drinks alone. Especially if he makes the unpardonable faux-paux of exposing his membership in the Party to outsiders. And how can you commit a thought crime when you're mind numbed? That's the whole point of drinking. No?

The beet soda is naturally fermented, hence the bubbles. The fermentation (and warmth) results from leaving it out in the sun to stew. Or during the long Siberian night, placing it next to the wood stove in the guard's quarters. Regardless, the scant alcohol content is merely enough to keep it from freezing solid in the stomachs of the prisoners.
 

Existential dilemma #1: Daylight Savings Time

When the clocks "fall back" and an hour is "lost", does last call have a one-hour reprieve?

When we "spring ahead", does last call ever happen, or do we just skip it--like the hour?

May the hour "saved" be used to obtain extra rations of precious beet vodka (sorry, low alcohol content of beet soda will not keep me pickled enough...) in celebration of either February or October Revolutions?

If I am riding on the People's Railway Amtrak[sup]TM[/sup] in October and the train stops to get back on scheduleawait 2:00 a.m., why is the bar closed?

If a train leaves Boston at 4:36 p.m. headed to Washington, and another train leaves Washington at precisely the same time fat chance, will Paul Kirk continue to vote before Scott Brown is arrives in the Senate chamber??

[You said to drink until he's cute...he's not cute yet....]

Existential dilemma #2: Can The One[sup]TM[/sup] make me truly happy, or must I I simply cannot wait until January 20, 2013?

Eternal Truth #1: It's 5 o'clock somewhere....

[I now joyously press "Submit"...how appropriate.]
 

People who ask too many questions, demonstrate a level of thought crime and individual thinking, and will be sent to gulag. Your local commissar will explain how you are to best handle your time.
 

Quote:

Since when did the gulags get soda? And why is it warmed in the wintertime?


Since the gulag's collective horse developed that infection.
 

Where is Commissarka Pinkie when I need her???!!! Must to apply shovel to cranium. I humbly submit to gulag. Watching election returns in Illinois made me loopy....
 

Stacia Gooneybirdova

Where is Commissarka Pinkie when I need her???!!! Must to apply shovel to cranium.

Pinkie has a new boyfriend and she's busy bonking him into submission (with her shovel, I assume). Anyway, if you require Trotsky therapy I have just the instrument. Hold on a second while I pull it out of my hat. Ok, turn around. Ready?

CHUNK!

Not as resounding as WHACK! I'll admit, but that's the whole point, it's supposed to be quiet.
 

Thankyouverymuch!
 

Well, we can be certain that Colonel 7.62 has "saved or created" many Happy Hours for the Collective(TM). No need for idle speculation, comrades, just grab your Victory Gin or People's Vodka(TM) and move the line along...
 

Comrade Brain In A Jar, you think it was the collective horse? I figured it was the Camp Commandant after a visit to the "joy brigade".