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Denouncing Myself

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It being the end of the year and all, I took a glance at the glorious tax tables designed thoughtfully by our Leaders to let us know how much to voluntarily pay them at gunpoint. Imagine my surprise when I learned I will owe upwards of $2000!

How can that be? I thought, troubled that I might have been aggregiously keeping money away from the poor while selfishly working. I got a little refund last year, and didn't change my W4....then I realized that I had commited the most horrible sin. I HAVE BEEN WORKING TOO MUCH OVERTIME. How could I have done this to the government that gave me a free education, allowed many of my relatives to be able to avoid work in comfort, and is fighting global warming for the good of The Kollektive? I would promise to be less productive this coming year, but I admit I have come under the sway of that evil Dave Ramsey, who preaches things like "self-sufficiency" and "personal responsibility", and he won't let me. Besides, I don't know how to pay my taxes if I don't work more. I want to admit freely to you, my comrades, that I am a total capitalist pig selfishly working double shifts and failing to freely give all my money to The Kollective. I know I deserve death, but I beg for your mercy.

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Comrade,
Don't waste your breath asking the IRS for mercy, you will not find that word defined in any IRS manual. The agency functions on the Ebenezer Scrooge school of management.

You may be required to work over time in the beet fields, but a Commissar will have to make the determination.

Welcome to the collective, comrade.

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Comrade Tsarevna,

Welcome back, your trip to Siberia did nothing we see, perhaps we should try a a more convincing gulag?


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You've certainly come to the right place Comrade Tsarevna. The first step is the hardest, that being an admonition to living in Kapitalist Sin. You have taken that important first step and could very well be on your way to redemption. All it would take is a train ride to our magnificent NC Kollective. There, under my gentle guidance and wisdom, you will gain enlightenment and expunge these Kapitalists Demons from your soul.

PS- Bring cash.

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Just a reminder,

Self flagellation has n ot been authorized, you must be able to work as fast as you ca n in the beet fields on short notice.On the other hand, your beet quota will not change regardless.You had best pray to Lenin that "information officers" are not dispatched to educate you in the reality of what "extra ciricular activity" will do for you!

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"...but I admit I have come under the sway of that evil Dave Ramsey, who preaches things like "self-sufficiency" and "personal responsibility", and he won't let me."

Then we should all join in in giving youself a big denouncement and watch you flagella yourself for 15 min. How can you even speak those repugnant, revolting words of 'self-sufficiency' and 'personal responsibility'?! That is like calling dear Leader and undocumented, communist loving Kenyan, is it not?!
Go flag yourself and then do a drive-by to Jiffy-Lobo and have your thoughts reassigned and cleansed. And write you check to our glorious benevolent government with a smile of appreciate for all our socialist Democrats have done for us.... then go find a food line to stand in.

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Comrade, the Collective has a Twelve-Thousand Step program for workers in your predicament. The first step is confessing you have a problem. The other eleven-thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine steps are those you will be taking during your ten or so years working in the salt mines (give or take a few hundred thousand steps.) This program is modelled after the wildly successful one Comrade Himmler created for solving the problem of prejudice against gays in the SS:
...In the SS, today, we still have about one case of homosexuality a month. In a whole year, about eight to ten cases occur in the entire SS. I have now decided upon the following: in each case, these people will naturally be publicly degraded, expelled, and handed over to the courts. Following completion of the punishment imposed by the court, they will be sent, by my order, to a concentration camp, and they will be shot in the concentration camp, while attempting to escape.

As you can see, Progressive regimes are just but merciful.

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Red Rooster wrote:Comrade Tsarevna,

Welcome back, your trip to Siberia did nothing we see, perhaps we should try a a more convincing gulag?
....That was supposed to be an exile? I had so much fun trying to plant corn in the tundra! Comerade Toorisky, thank you. I have been a devout member of the kollektive after signing an affidavite in 1917 that the other members of my tyrannical royal family were, well, tyrannical and antithetical to a nation based on equality of results and the elimination of the bourgeoisie. I was spared in part, I think, because of the wanton lust respect of the entire male cohort of the politburo. I keep my title because, well, I keep my princessly features. So far,the politburo has not seemed to mind.


 
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