I've only been a Comrade for a few months now, so I don't know all the ins and outs of the Cube yet. However, after being repeatedly denounced for improper denouncing procedures, lack of knowledge about the inner circle, improper naming conventions (even though I explained to Dr. Strangelove that The One (PBUH) gave me the title), it has become evident that we need some kind of primer or something for new comrades. Sure, Pupovich's welcome to new comrades (except me because I'm not equal enough, or because his ass itched that day or something, which is completely believable given the skidmarks on the Mazar-e-Sharif rug in his Dacha) is helpful, but there are a few things every Comrade should know before he/she/it picks up a shovel.

1. A "Who's Who Among the Comrades of The People's Cube" that displays who is inner party and who is not, as well as their areas of expertise.

2. A list of required reading prior to registering that includes Pupovich's welcome but also explains the proper use of The Cone of Silence (except that it's fun to denounce those that forget/omit), how to denounce correctly, how to properly eat your own PTC, acceptable names for new Comrades (i.e. NO COMISSSAR-esque titles), and perhaps the post in which 'doing Talent Shitting" entered The People's Vernacular.

And for those who don't like my name- Either you
a. Use your Big Mighty "real" Commissar Powers to change it to something more proletarian like "Have shovel, will travel", "Comrade Douche", "Party Slampiece", or "ACORN Employee 32424".

b. Accept that in a world where being a dope-smoking community organizer is qualification for Leader of the Free World, qualification becomes a word devoid of meaning and that one need not do ANYTHING to receive the title Obamissar because He led the way toward redistribution of power and authority based on Need and Equal Opportunity rather than Ability, Skill, etc.

c. STFU

d. Realize that the title, as DDR Kamerad so keenly pointed out, is merely a fashion accessory and will be the first up against the wall when the REAL socialist revolution comes.

e. Bow down before my might, respect my ill begotten title, accept my might as Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products and REPORT TO PLATFORM 4 for your disrespect. Or pay one of my Proles to wash your windshield next time you see one instead of flicking your cigarette butt at him- unless of course there is > 30% of the cigarette left, in which case he will count it as a donation to the cause.

-OV
Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products

Obamissar, I see you are already consumed by pointless irrational outrage, so you fit right in with any properly concerned and righteously indignant community of progressives.

Comrade Opiate,

I was watching Faux News and feeling bad about myself when I saw your post. As a True Progressive, I pride myself on having thin skin, focusing on trivial nuances (what IS the definition of is afterall??), advocating fairness, being easily offended, ensuring that I complain at least half of my waking hours, and generally being a tool. Thanks for noticing

The only thing that makes my post different from the PTC coming out of Washington is that I didn't use the words "I won." After so many posts with Cone on, I felt the need to at least attempt one in character. In the real world, I have no problem with The People's Cube or any of the Comrades here and love having a place to make a mockery of the mockery that is our current administration with likeminded individuals. My only wish is that I don't actually have to start calling you Comrades Comrade outside the forum.

-OV

being repeatedly denounced for improper denouncing procedures, lack of knowledge about the inner circle, improper naming conventions

Congratulations, OV! You just figured out what the Cube is all about!

If you hang around here often enough (which you seem to be doing), you'll gradually pick things up and figure things out. That's what I did, now look at me! Everyone absolutely adores me--even the Criminally Insane Vodkov who, for all his repeated denouncements of me as a Huckabee Operative (though I told him repeatedly I wasn't that kind of HO) still, I suspect, has a bit of a crush on me.

Now, surely you're not suggesting that you can't do what I did?

Or are you pointing out that I'm one of those who has unfairly benefited by boasting the ability, while you're one of the downtrodden who has the need and therefore can't pick or wipe without The Party to instruct you, complete with one-syllable word primers, stick figures and hand puppets, on which finger to use?

Your loathing for those more equal than you is both inspiring and telling about your lack of character, Commissar Vodkavich. I salute you.

The Party has openings, Commissar Vodkavich, from which you must choose one.

Commissar Vodkavich: Commissar of Car Wash Products, Leg Warmers and Re-Usable Eco-Friendly Tampons.

Commissar Vodkavich: Commissar of Car Wash Products, Hand Soap and Door Knobs.

Commissar Vodkavich: Commissar of Car Wash Products, Woodland Creatures and Silly Newspaper Trifold Hats.

One more! One more!

Commissar Vodkavich: Commissar of Birthday Parties! Oh! I would kill for that one!

Glorious Chairman,

While CWP, Hand Soap and Door Knobs has promise, I fear that hand soaps might compete with car soaps and such competition cannot be allowed, so I rule it out.

Woodlan Creatures could be registered through ACORN to vote in future elections, if we haven't abolished those completely by 2012, but I must go with Commissar of Car Wash Products, Leg Warmers, and Re-Usable Eco-Friendly Tampons because it has the potential to create green jobs, as well as potential for deviancy and debauchery as only a bottom-feeder like myself could properly explore.

I thank you for being generous enough to give me a choice! Pending your approval, I'll update my signature.

Yours in CHope,

-OV

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:One more! One more!

Commissar Vodkavich: Commissar of Birthday Parties! Oh! I would kill for that one!

I'd go with that one, Dearest Chairman, but when you say you'd kill, I believe you!

-OV

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:

being repeatedly denounced for improper denouncing procedures, lack of knowledge about the inner circle, improper naming conventions

Congratulations, OV! You just figured out what the Cube is all about!

If you hang around here often enough (which you seem to be doing), you'll gradually pick things up and figure things out. That's what I did, now look at me! Everyone absolutely adores me--even the Criminally Insane Vodkov who, for all his repeated denouncements of me as a Huckabee Operative (though I told him repeatedly I wasn't that kind of HO) still, I suspect, has a bit of a crush on me.

Now, surely you're not suggesting that you can't do what I did?

Or are you pointing out that I'm one of those who has unfairly benefited by boasting the ability, while you're one of the downtrodden who has the need and therefore can't pick or wipe without The Party to instruct you, complete with one-syllable word primers, stick figures and hand puppets, on which finger to use?

Commissarka of Hottness,

Huckabee? Really? I'm the type of ho that would pimp my ass to ANYONE on the LEFT if it would get me ahead. I certainly do not know which finger to use yet, but I know it should come from the left hand. I accept that I am less equal than the Inner Party members, but in the true Progressive spirit, I'm not going to do anything, short of pimping my ass, to improve my lot in life. Rather, I'll whine about my need and sit with my hand extended untill someone recognizes my need and legislates some CHANGE in my direction. I wouldn't want to get caught WORKING for what I want, would I?

-OV

Obamissar Vodkavich wrote:Rather, I'll whine about my need and sit with my hand extended untill someone recognizes my need and legislates some CHANGE in my direction.

That, or they'll go straight home to the basement of their parents' $400,000 McMansion, where they'll write in their blog expressing outrage over your problem and the government's failure to fund programs for it.

As part of your continuing education in the ways of the Cube, young cockroach, I present for your perusal Exhibit A. (And make sure you read the comments.)

Comrade Commissarka,

Wow. How Progressive!! Glad to see he at least felt guilty. If he were a party member I suspect he would not feel guilty because he would know he was not obgligated to live by any of the policies he advocates.

The responses of the Collective were overwhelming. I liked the CHope we were able to bring to Change.gov, but this makes it way more personal. Where else is the collective pursuing moonbats on their home turf? I should like to raise my shovel in anger as well, if the party determines the need for another shovel, that is.

So now I know about Mulva, but who is The Mime?

-OV

Bravo OV! I like your attitude. You are a credit to the Movement and deserve the "Order of Lenin" (3rd class).

I have no problem at all with your glorious self imposed title. There is no little Red Book of Cube lore or convention because everyone here makes it up as they go along, just like our Dear Leader in DC.

As for a list of Inner Circle Party members, well, the most precious secret any fellow traveler has is the fact that he's a Party member. Once that fact is exposed, his useful idiotness ceases and he must be purged.

So, Vodkavich, you have questions? Requests?

1. A "Who's Who Among the Comrades of The People's Cube" that displays who is inner party and who is not, as well as their areas of expertise.

We are all equal within the Cube. Some of us are far more equal. When you become one of us, we will let you know. Until such time, it is not your place to ask Who is Who, as your ignorance is to the advantage of the Who. You never know when a casual conversation with a comrade is in fact the equivalent of surrendering a signed confession of a ThoughtCrime. It helps us keep new comrades on their toes.

2. A list of required reading prior to registering that includes Pupovich's welcome but also explains the proper use of The Cone of Silence (except that it's fun to denounce those that forget/omit), how to denounce correctly, how to properly eat your own PTC, acceptable names for new Comrades (i.e. NO COMISSSAR-esque titles), and perhaps the post in which 'doing Talent Shitting" entered The People's Vernacular.

In the spirit of properly Progressive education, we have eliminated any core curriculum or prerequisite reading; such things inhibit the natural learning process and stifle the creative process of learning. Instead, we simply make available to you all the collective knowledge and collective wisdom of the...er...Collective, from which you will glean valuable lessons at your own pace. Don't think of our comments as bullying, hectoring, shrewish turd-sniffing. Think of our comments as loving and nurturing admonishment of your natural stupidity and evidence that your will has not yet been broken to that of the Party.

And for those who don't like my name- Either you
a. Use your Big Mighty "real" Commissar Powers to change it to something more proletarian like "Have shovel, will travel", "Comrade Douche", "Party Slampiece", or "ACORN Employee 32424".

That would involve effort on our part, and we of the Inner Circle must have ample time to think Deep Thoughts, pursue Lofty Ideals, and make bullying, hectoring, and turd-sniffing observations concerning the behavior of the lower orders of our equal and Utopian perfection.

b. Accept that in a world where being a dope-smoking community organizer is qualification for Leader of the Free World, qualification becomes a word devoid of meaning and that one need not do ANYTHING to receive the title Obamissar because He led the way toward redistribution of power and authority based on Need and Equal Opportunity rather than Ability, Skill, etc.

Perhaps it would be better to accept that WE are the people we've been waiting for, not YOU.

c. STFU

I agree whole heartedly. Socialism Truly Fuels Utopia. I just don't understand why you feel the need to state a self-evident truth in the middle of a perfectly acceptable psychotic break.

d. Realize that the title, as DDR Kamerad so keenly pointed out, is merely a fashion accessory and will be the first up against the wall when the REAL socialist revolution comes.

I applaud your spirit of volunteerism. Blindfold? (Unfortunately, we no longer offer a last cigarette, as they are bad for your health.)

e. Bow down before my might, respect my ill begotten title, accept my might as Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products and REPORT TO PLATFORM 4 for your disrespect. Or pay one of my Proles to wash your windshield next time you see one instead of flicking your cigarette butt at him- unless of course there is > 30% of the cigarette left, in which case he will count it as a donation to the cause.

No. (Why does it seem that comrades with a variation of "Vodka" in their names seem Hell-bent on getting the words "criminally insane" as well?)

Obamissar Vodkavich wrote:So now I know about Mulva, but who is The Mime?

Ah, the Mime. A troll who is the stuff of legend here at ye olde Cube.

It all begins with this link:

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=909

His real name is Mikael Rudolph, he's from Minneapolis, and his day job is indeed that of mime. (Also ballroom dance instructor.) This was before my time, but he and his partner Jodin Morey (aka Causal Crunch) came waltzing in here leaving a string of nonsensical posts promoting the impeachment of Bush and Cheney. With each post made, they included a link to their very messy website, Impeach for Peace dot org, which currently boasts a membership in excess of 40,000; however, approximately 39,985 of those members are vendors of Viagra and peddlers of penis enlargement. The remaining 15 are trolls from the Cube. The important thing is this creates the illusion that his site is very popular and attracts lots of Bush-hating supporters.

The above link says everything else. Mikael the Mime apparently embarrassed himself so much that he deleted all the posts he made at the Cube and fled. But because he was stupid enough to leave a trail not only to his website, but his true identity, he has since been condemned to eternal torture by trolls raiding his site from the Cube.

Here's his mug shot:



Laika thinks he looks like Buddy Holly on crack; I think he just needs a good laxative.

Legal note: Penis Peddling is illegal in Georgia (but it's a damned impressive sight, especially on one of those BMX bikes).

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:

Obamissar Vodkavich wrote:So now I know about Mulva, but who is The Mime?

Ah, the Mime. A troll who is the stuff of legend here at ye olde Cube.

Commissarka,

I greatly appreciate the re-education. I got through about the first page of comments and was thorougly impressed by the might of The Party. After I finish checking my proles I'll read the other pages in search for more knowledge and in the quest for a link to The Mime's site to participate in The Great Party Troll-off. I had so much fun at the Change.gov that I'd like to do more for The Party.

His ugly mug had me wondering if perhpas he had a stroke that paralyzed half of his face causing him to pake all expressions out one side of his mouth. In his honor, Platform 13 now leads to a special Gulag in the form of a bullet-proof glass box. It will be waiting for him. I'll also know where to send anyone who needs cheap viagra.

-OV

If you need a primer, Comrade OV, I would suggest Victor Vashi's Red Primer for Children and Diplomats (Google it).

Ivan Betinov wrote:

c. STFU

I agree whole heartedly. Socialism Truly Fuels Utopia. I just don't understand why you feel the need to state a self-evident truth in the middle of a perfectly acceptable psychotic break.

A thoroughly equal translation, Comrade. I was wetting my Progressive Pants with laughter at this one.

Ivan Betinov wrote:

d. Realize that the title, as DDR Kamerad so keenly pointed out, is merely a fashion accessory and will be the first up against the wall when the REAL socialist revolution comes.

I applaud your spirit of volunteerism. Blindfold? (Unfortunately, we no longer offer a last cigarette, as they are bad for your health.)

I do indeed volunteer, should the need arise, and should I have not ascended to The Order of Made Progressives before the revolution, because the 72 Hilaries promised to martyrs is facinating!

Ivan Betinov wrote:

e. Bow down before my might, respect my ill begotten title, accept my might as Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products and REPORT TO PLATFORM 4 for your disrespect. Or pay one of my Proles to wash your windshield next time you see one instead of flicking your cigarette butt at him- unless of course there is > 30% of the cigarette left, in which case he will count it as a donation to the cause.

No. (Why does it seem that comrades with a variation of "Vodka" in their names seem Hell-bent on getting the words "criminally insane" as well?)

We are slightly related. I believe he is of Stoli Elit descent, while I'm a Prolier Stoli red label. Though I aspire to be as criminally insane, I'll content myself with inane prattling about unequal treatment and my feelings of entitlement and the belief that society owes me something and that nobody should be any better off than I. THAT is the essence of Progressivism.

-OV

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:If you need a primer, Comrade OV, I would suggest Victor Vashi's Red Primer for Children and Diplomats (Google it).

Brilliant. Now I understand what makes the party SOOOOOOOOOOOO freakin GREAT!

-OV

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Bravo OV! I like your attitude. You are a credit to the Movement and deserve the "Order of Lenin" (3rd class).

I have no problem at all with your glorious self imposed title. There is no little Red Book of Cube lore or convention because everyone here makes it up as they go along, just like our Dear Leader in DC.

As for a list of Inner Circle Party members, well, the most precious secret any fellow traveler has is the fact that he's a Party member. Once that fact is exposed, his useful idiotness ceases and he must be purged.

Comrade Whoopie!!! My first award!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I begin to feel just a little bit more equal and it feels great. Making it up as we go along is one of the true glories of the socialist movement. The end justifies the means. It's a quality and method we can all seek to emulate. I understand about the inherent requirement for confidentiality for Inner Circle- plus the retribution when a lowly Obamissar like me, or an even lower prole mistakely mouths off to what they think is a fellow prole but is really a Commissar in disguise is quite amusing.

May everyone continue to be shady, self-serving, hypocritical, and generally swine-like.

-OV

If the People's colleges weren't keeping me busy, I'd be more than happy to make a primer for new comrades.

Perhaps for one day soon. . .

Though I aspire to be as criminally insane, I'll content myself with inane prattling about unequal treatment and my feelings of entitlement and the belief that society owes me something and that nobody should be any better off than I. THAT is the essence of Progressivism.

Wonderfully true. See how wisdom in the Party comes from epiphany rather than logic?

Ahhh....The Glorious Days of our Annexation of Nitwitia. It was easy, just like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. Thanks for bringing back that progressive memory Pinkie.
Poor Mulva just curled up in his parent's basement and ended up quitting the blogoshere.

As for a list of The Inner Circle, Obamissar, do not ask.
You ask too many questions and you have not sucked up enough.
Besides, there is no list, it's all in Laika's brain and if I am ever forced to divulge this so-called "list" I would surely bite the Party™ approved cyanide vial given to each so-called "member" on this so-called "list", so just forget about it right now.

Your's is an impatient generation, Obamissar, but do you know the real cost?
I suppose you think a drag line or a bulldozer would be a better way to move earth?

Pinkie, has Obamissar been issued his shovel yet?

Ivan Betinov wrote:

Though I aspire to be as criminally insane, I'll content myself with inane prattling about unequal treatment and my feelings of entitlement and the belief that society owes me something and that nobody should be any better off than I. THAT is the essence of Progressivism.

Wonderfully true. See how wisdom in the Party comes from epiphany rather than logic?

Indeed Comrade. Indeed. And my respect for James Carville grew two sizes that day. We must never forget the efforts of Comrade Carville as he ran the dry run for the mantra of the rising of the party in Comrade Clinton's "heroic" victory in a 3-cornered fight.

Comrade Carville wrote:

1. Change vs. more of the same.
   
2. The economy, stupid.
   
3. Don't forget health care.

-OV

So obvioiusly the previous post was me, not a guest. My machine, which is party controlled in every possible way, does not do that whole "stay logged in" thing so I have to remember to log in every window before every post, and quite frankly Comrades, I'm just not that smart.

[quote="Laika the Space Dog"]Ahhh....The Glorious Days of our Annexation of Nitwitia. It was easy, just like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. Thanks for bringing back that progressive memory Pinkie.
Poor Mulva just curled up in his parent's basement and ended up quitting the blogoshere.

As for a list of The Inner Circle, Obamissar, do not ask.
You ask too many questions and you have not sucked up enough.
Besides, there is no list, it's all in Laika's brain and if I am ever forced to divulge this so-called "list" I would surely bite the Party™ approved cyanide vial given to each so-called "member" on this so-called "list", so just forget about it right now.

Your's is an impatient generation, Obamissar, but do you know the real cost?
I suppose you think a drag line or a bulldozer would be a better way to move earth?

Pinkie, has Obamissar been issued his shovel yet?[/quote]

Comrade Hero,

As an aspiring Progressive, it is imperitive that I make demands that have no basis in logic, have no true potential for realization, and that would not make things any better for myself or others were they actually realized. [off] besides, such a list would take away a lot of the fun [/off] Other such demands include and end to all carbon emissions and Free Lunch For ALLLLL [off] TINSTAAFL [/off].

Furthermore, as the Obamissar of Gulags, I know that never on Obama's Green Earth has there been any finer tool for moving earth than the People's Shovel. The proles in my charge know it too.


If they doubt it, I have other means of being rather convincing:


I don't believe I've encountered Pinkie's shovel yet, though I'm certain that if I hang around here long enough my head will develop dents very similar to other comrades around here.

-OV

Oh, and Comrade Laika-

True story: when I was 12 and interested in the space program, I picked up a book and when I read of your apparent demise, I had to hide my face beneath my pillow as I bawled my eyes out. I shed a tear of relief when I got to The Cube and found you were still barking!

-OV

I shed a tear of relief when I got to The Cube and found you were still barking!

There, there...no need for tears.
Who told you this filthy capitalist lie?
I know it couldn't have been a NEA union teacher that gave you this book.
Where did you get it from?

I see you're also a fan of Dr. Hunter.
He said hello.
Jerry Garcia, Gene Roddenbury and him drop by often for drinks and chit-chat.
It's not totally lonely up here.

Laika the Space Dog wrote:

I shed a tear of relief when I got to The Cube and found you were still barking!

There, there...no need for tears.
Who told you this filthy capitalist lie?
I know it couldn't have been a NEA union teacher that gave you this book.
Where did you get it from?

I see you're also a fan of Dr. Hunter.
He said hello.
Jerry Garcia, Gene Roddenbury and him drop by often for drinks and chit-chat.
It's not totally lonely up here.

Comrade Space Dog,

I believe the book was called Moonshot and was penned by the bourgeois hands of ex-person Alan Shepard and class enemy Deke Slayton. They thought they were so important... Everyone knows who the REAL space hero is!! No wonder they lied about you.

I'm glad to see you're in such good company! Fear and Loathing are still powerful motivators and the weird keep getting weirder. I would have loved to have seen what Raoul Duke would have said about The One, but he couldn't stand it anymore- yet another thing we can blame on Bu$Hitler. Just make sure you don't let Thompson mix the drinks!!

Obediently orbiting behind you with a little plastic baggie,

OV

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:If you need a primer, Comrade OV, I would suggest Victor Vashi's Red Primer for Children and Diplomats (Google it).

No need to google. It's on the Cube:

Red Primer for Children and Diplomats

It fills my heart, Comrade Red, to see how the Cube supplants even The People's Google as the one-stop-redistribution for all Party Approved Knowledge. From Primers to Beatles songs, (your essay on PJ about The Beatles gave me wood), the Cube has it all!

-OV

Oh, and since I've seen your stuff about how Progressive the Apple ads are (and while I sit with my MBP on my lap) I thought I'd share the "no shit" Apple Dictionary program's definition for "supplant" :

supplant
verb [trans.]
supersede and replace: the socialist society that Marx believed would eventually supplant capitalism.