In an effort to overcome a widening gap in the polls as she approaches a runoff with Republican challenger, Bill Cassidy, Mary Landrieu has hired a new campaign manager and is re-marketing herself. With my press credentials and my reputation as a Progressive Muslim widely read on the People's Cube, I was able to secure an interview with Landrieu's third campaign manager since October.

He had donned dark glasses, a fake beard, and affected a generic East European accent reminiscent of the villains on the original episodes of Mission: Impossible. We met in a dimly lit restaurant in New Orleans while he divulged his new campaign strategy and showed me samples of some new ads to be released in the week before the runoff. He would identify himself as Comrade C. in deference to the world's most progressive web site.

* * *

Al-Blogunov: So, where do you begin? I mean, you're the newest campaign manager, two others were fired in the last month, and the runoff is just over a week away.

Comrade C: First, we had to face reality and admit that this election cycle is going to Republicans who articulate conservative values. We had no idea what a conservative was, we just knew that all of America was behind our agenda one day, and boom!, they're against us the next. So, first thing, what the heck is a conservative, and second, how can we beat them at their own game by outdoing them? Well, that required some rigorous Google searches.

We checked out Media Matters, Democrat Underground, the New York Times, and other objective web sites to collect their analyses on conservatives. We found the reader comments on their various articles were a treasure trove of useful information. Once we corrected the spelling and grammar errors, and removed the 'f' words and death wishes, we had a goldmine of information on conservatives. We discovered, as we had generally suspected, absolute proof that conservatives really were misogynists, racists, homophobes, and gun freaks who all wanted to destroy the planet.

Al-Blogunov: Well, we've known that at the Cube since forever.

Comrade C: (Chuckling) Well, if we had hired you fellows sooner, that might have saved us some time and trouble. But now that we know, even if a little late in the game, I'm confident our new ads will close the gap and put Mary ahead.

Al-Blogunov: What kind of ads are you preparing?

Comrade C: Well, we have a few in the making, and we're going to arrange a few speeches. Listen, here's one of our secrets: we actually planted about 25 paid cheerleaders in the audience. They come in looking like ordinary people, but then they start hooting and cheering when they hear the applause lines. Sometimes we get them to faint at just the right moment. Just yesterday, we had Mary recite Alexander Stephens' "Cornerstone Speech" to capitalize on conservative racism. Just when she got to the part about the natural superiority of the white man over the black man, she just brought the house down.

Al-Blogunov: How many were in attendance?

Comrade C: About 27. We had to keep the camera angle narrowed to make the audience look big.

Al-Blogunov: What else are you producing?

Comrade C: Here, let me show you (pulling out his smartphone). Our data shows that all conservatives are mindless slaves to their corporate masters who want to destroy the planet, so we produced two ads to identify her with conservatives. This one shows her on a bass boat shooting up a 55 gallon oil drum with an assault gun or something. At 8 seconds into the ad, she says, "Woohoo! Look at the size of that there oil slick! That's death to all kinds of endangered species!" We have another one of her harpooning a dolphin and promising to support legislation to bring back whaling.

Al-Blogunov: How do you appeal to the rampant homophobia of all conservatives?

Comrade C: In another ad that we just finished yesterday, we begin with Phil Robertson's mild criticism of homosexuality, then we fade him out and fade Mary in. She comes in complaining that Robertson didn't go far enough, and that if elected, she would support legislation for mandatory impalings of all homosexuals. The ad ends with her beating down a man with her Bible outside a gay bar on Bourbon Street.

Al-Blogunov: While we're dealing with the unpleasant reality of a Republican majority, how do you plan to convince your audience that she'll work better with a Republican senate than Bill Cassidy?

Comrade C: No sweat. Today we do the ad where she appears with her face veiled and brags about being Mitch McConnell's favorite concubine. Then she announces that they're going to have their first love child, and name him Sean Hannity McConnell.

Al-Blogunov: I noticed that her campaign bus has been modified.

Comrade C: You bet. Nearly cost us a fortune in "Rush is Right" and NRA stickers.

Al-Blogunov: And what if she loses in spite of all the best efforts of you and your staff?

Comrade C: Well, frankly she's terrified of the possibility. She might have to find real work in an environment where people hire you based on your talent and ability. Do you know how traumatizing that is for a public servant?

Al-Blogunov: Hopefully it won't come to that! Anyway, all the best.

Comrade C: Spasibo.

Kommissar al-Blugunov,

I never know if you are plastering something or flying a kite, and, now that you sport a Muslim headscarf, I am even more confused. Whatever.

I find it amusing that our most esteemed comrade, Mary, has taken the tack of her opponent, Cassidy, in order to get the vote.

It is beyond embarrassing. She's toast.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

The keffiyah was a gift from His Equalness shortly after my conversion to Islam. You could get one, too, right here. Then you could join our Speaker of the House as he bows reverently before a praying Muslim.

And yes, the ad campaign that I was given the inside story on does seem desperate. If she loses, we can still blame the War on Women, so there's always a bright side.

Giggle!

I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

Ha! You know it would. She's got nothingeverything to lose.

C.P.,
Is toast really beyond embarrassment ?

I get so confused .........

Krasnodar wrote:C.P.,
Is toast really beyond embarrassment ?

I get so confused .........

Some toast is pretty embarrassing.

RedDiaperette wrote:

Krasnodar wrote:C.P.,
Is toast really beyond embarrassment ?

I get so confused .........

Some toast is pretty embarrassing.

burnt toast.jpg

Soak that in beet vodka, comrade RedD, and we have a new national delicacy. Nothing can be allowed to embarrass The Party™. We simply re-title and promote whatever appears to be a failure.

How do you convey you're everyone's voice and the multifaceted, woman/goddess best suited for that role? You're the magic pill they've been looking for. Both Comrade Landrieu and Hillary need to hear the Collective's voice to help them repackage their package. Right now, they're not ready for anything more challenging than a corn dog and a stack of fries. Where is the elusive unicorn that carries on its wings Lies Truth that flatters? If this can be ferreted out, all's that needed is smart shoes and a new do.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

How about mud wresting a hog in a Danceskin peppered with racial epithets? Maybe they can convince C-SPAN to cover it in prime time. Everyone but FOX would be on board. Pay-per-view would fill the war chest but we need eyeballs and lots of them. PETA's going to resist. Promise them they can display their bimbo meat treats in the background and if you keep your camera angles tight no one's the wiser. There's only one problem - Mary has got to win. If she can't best the hog the show's a dog. Either they drug the hog or promise Mary if she wins she can eat it. She'll be pissed when it's donated to a charity but we can deal with that later.

Biff Henderson wrote:

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

How about mud wresting a hog in a Danceskin peppered with racial epithets? Maybe they can convince C-SPAN to cover it in prime time. Everyone but FOX would be on board. Pay-per-view would fill the war chest but we need eyeballs and lots of them. PETA's going to resist. Promise them they can display their bimbo meat treats in the background and if you keep your camera angles tight no one's the wiser. There's only one problem - Mary has got to win. If she can't best the hog the show's a dog. Either they drug the hog or promise Mary if she wins she can eat it. She'll be pissed when it's donated to a charity but we can deal with that later.

With all due respect to PETA, how could one tell the pig from the Senator? Especially if they're both covered in mud.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:

Biff Henderson wrote:

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

How about mud wresting a hog in a Danceskin peppered with racial epithets? Maybe they can convince C-SPAN to cover it in prime time. Everyone but FOX would be on board. Pay-per-view would fill the war chest but we need eyeballs and lots of them. PETA's going to resist. Promise them they can display their bimbo meat treats in the background and if you keep your camera angles tight no one's the wiser. There's only one problem - Mary has got to win. If she can't best the hog the show's a dog. Either they drug the hog or promise Mary if she wins she can eat it. She'll be pissed when it's donated to a charity but we can deal with that later.

With all due respect to PETA, how could one tell the pig from the Senator? Especially if they're both covered in mud.

That's easy. The one that shows the least resistance to the battery pack placement gets strung with LEDs. Or Mary could wear a set of donkey ears. Come voting day, when the voter sees the Democrap brand they'll associate it with a pleasant experience. Those ears will practically pull the lever for the good guys.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

A good plan Comrade K^3. It may be the only thing that saves her bacon.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:

Biff Henderson wrote:

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

How about mud wresting a hog in a Danceskin peppered with racial epithets? Maybe they can convince C-SPAN to cover it in prime time. Everyone but FOX would be on board. Pay-per-view would fill the war chest but we need eyeballs and lots of them. PETA's going to resist. Promise them they can display their bimbo meat treats in the background and if you keep your camera angles tight no one's the wiser. There's only one problem - Mary has got to win. If she can't best the hog the show's a dog. Either they drug the hog or promise Mary if she wins she can eat it. She'll be pissed when it's donated to a charity but we can deal with that later.

With all due respect to PETA, how could one tell the pig from the Senator? Especially if they're both covered in mud.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:The mud wrestling plan has merit, but if it's not marketed carefully, viewers will be convinced to vote for the hog as a write-in.

The hog may be the better candidate, especially if it has already been castrated.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

The mud wrestling plan has merit, but if it's not marketed carefully, viewers will be convinced to vote for the hog as a write-in.

Dang. Can't argue with that.

So that‘s it? The bowl's licked clean? Just giving up? We can't let ourselves be consumed with the idea that no matter what Mary tries it amounts to shooting herself in the hoof. Nibble on an idea or two and then – nothing. Might as well string her up now and gut the carcass for all the good it'll do. The mindset of seasoned staffers must be replaced with the ravenous appetite of aspiring Rethuglicans that seek to rend asunder all the glorious work of Dear Leader. It's time to get hungry.

Our Dear Mary is not some grotesque, bipedal hippopotamusform churning dark waters but the epitome of love. Sure, she can crush a heaping plate - we can use that. Be it a tasty morsel or the Stupid well-informed constituent, her earthshaking countenance is the embodiment of her capacity to love all things under the sun. When we're done the voters will see the great State of Louisiana as a bowl of biscuits and gravy and they'll be begging Mary to gobble them up. Like the Egyptian Goddess Taweret Mary is a wellspring of fertile desire waiting to be unleashed. One only needs to seek favor through the ballot box and the blessings will pour forth into the gaping jowl of the supplicant. Mary's time at the trough success is The Greater Good™. Landrieu IS Love. She's Amerika's™ box of chocolates. We'll repeat this message until it's a crushing weight no voter can ignore. It's time to break out the pots and pans and make some noise.

FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

My sources inform me that she just challenged Elizabeth Warren to a hot dog eating contest. Could it be a sign she's [highlight=#ffff00]given up on Louisiana[/highlight] and has her sights set on bigger things?

Allah-Wallah Washington! I would think you'd rather choke on a prayer rug than to suggest such a thing! She's probably just hungry.

Biff Henderson wrote:She's Amerika's™ box of chocolates.

I'm not sure this is a good analogy. After all, we know what we're going to get with Mary. Mary, who is anything but contrary and probably hires undocumented Democrats to make her garden grow. Even her running as a 'conservative' - if the stupid American voters can believe that.......- is part of the program.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

My sources inform me that she just challenged Elizabeth Warren to a hot dog eating contest. Could it be a sign she's given up on Louisiana and has her sights set on bigger things?

Are hot dogs an indigenous foodstuff that Native Americans of the tribe Soi-Disant would even wish to eat?

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:

Biff Henderson wrote:She's Amerika's™ box of chocolates.

[highlight=#ffff00]I'm not sure this is a good analogy.[/highlight] After all, we know what we're going to get with Mary. Mary, who is anything but contrary and probably hires undocumented Democrats to make her garden grow. Even her running as a 'conservative' - if the stupid American voters can believe that.......- is part of the program.

You're right, but it can't be all a waste of lipstick can it? Perhaps she's more the stale,reception desk type. Help me out here, I'm running out of grease paint.

RedDiaperette wrote:

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

My sources inform me that she just challenged Elizabeth Warren to a hot dog eating contest. Could it be a sign she's given up on Louisiana and has her sights set on bigger things?

Are hot dogs an indigenous foodstuff that Native Americans of the tribe Soi-Disant would even wish to eat?

Blessings upon the brothers in the Agitprop Department.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:

Biff Henderson wrote:

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:I wonder if an ad showing her castrating hogs with a shotgun might help.

How about mud wresting a hog in a Danceskin peppered with racial epithets? Maybe they can convince C-SPAN to cover it in prime time. Everyone but FOX would be on board. Pay-per-view would fill the war chest but we need eyeballs and lots of them. PETA's going to resist. Promise them they can display their bimbo meat treats in the background and if you keep your camera angles tight no one's the wiser. There's only one problem - Mary has got to win. If she can't best the hog the show's a dog. Either they drug the hog or promise Mary if she wins she can eat it. She'll be pissed when it's donated to a charity but we can deal with that later.

With all due respect to PETA, how could one tell the pig from the Senator? Especially if they're both covered in mud.

Won't happen.

Some things a pig just will not do.

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:
Won't happen. Some things a pig just will not do.

If there's one thing the Party™ has taught us is when faced with a seemingly insurmountable obstacle we place that burden on the capable shoulders of settled science. We slather Mary with the pheromones of a sow in heat and the hog will make a beeline to the pit. Politics is down and dirty mudslinging all theatre a nuanced ballet of incoherent bullshit competing viewpoints and the charged atmosphere this will generate puts our Mary in a position to be gawked at in a shameless display of undulating blubber the limelight. The Greater Good™ deserves nothing but cheap, carnival show distractions the very best.

Personally, I prefer cheap carnival show distractions. I don't have to think and, therefore, there is no chance that the beet vodka will cloud my judgment since I'm being completely non-judgmental.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:Personally, I prefer cheap carnival show distractions. I don't have to think and, therefore, there is no chance that the beet vodka will cloud my judgment since I'm being completely non-judgmental.

Words of wisdom. Avoidance is the Wise Path all must follow. The warmth of these words will one day radiate throughout this great land. A shovel in one hand and a flag in another, look to Dear Leader and the Blessed to point the way that leads to the mountain top.

The presidential bus is on its way to the Landrieu residence with a vacant place of honor reserved just behind the driver's seat (and under the chassis).