Memo

From: Uncle Joe Biden
To: The Borg
Subject: Plan B

Friends, Romans and countrymen; lend me your ears (no, Jill, I did not plagarize that, I just made it up! Now please, I'm dictating!) Where was I? Oh, yes, it has come to our attention, and when I say "our" I mean "Obama's", it has come to our attention that our little forage up the down staircase of American politics may not be successful; in other words, there is some possibility, however slight, that we might lose this election. I know Rev. Wright does not like us saying such things, he's such a positive guy and all, but there is the small chance this may happen. Anyway, Obama has decided we must make contingency plans (god, he's so smart) in case this eventuality comes to pass. Obama knows that we all will not want to live in an America under Bushy McSame-Palinazi, a hellhole without hope and change. And believe me, I'm from Scranton, I know something about hellholes! Anyway, we've decided that instead we will adapt an idea used by other wonderful people in the past and create our own utopian society we will call, in his honor, Obamaland.
~
Now I know that there will be some cynics who will immediately make the comparison with Jonestown. Let me say that although we will share some of the same utopian ideals, this will be nothing like that. For one thing, we are going to have different flavors of koolaid, not just grape. For another thing, Obama is not paranoid, he really DOES have a lot of enemies trying to destroy him. I know, I've been hanging around his bedroom windown some nights and I've seen them lurking around there. They say they're from the Secret Service but if they really were, they should be keeping that a secret, shouldn't they? I mean, if I were from the Secret Service I wouldn't go around telling everybody, would I? It wouldn't be a secret service if they all did that, would it?

Anyway, another difference is we will not be moving to Guyana or Cuba or anyplace like that. What we are going to do is pool our capital, and with people like Buffet, Soros and most of Hollywood with us, that is going to be one deep pool, I kid you not! To continue, we're going to pool our capital and buy a big piece of Amerikka and establish our own nation there. That way, we'll all have the climate and stuff we've been used to, we'll all be close enough for our relatives that stayed behind to visit us (though why any of us would want to be around those losers is beyond me, I tell you) and we will be in a perfect position to rush right in and take over once the Bush-McCain-Halliburton-Hitler thing collapses for good.

Now, we're not sure where we're going to try to establish our nation yet. One good suggestion was California because so many of us are already from there and I'm sure the wealthy film people there will be very generous and not mind giving up all of their earthly possessions to bring hope and change to the dispossessed (STOP LAUGHING, Jill!) But if that doesn't work out for some reason, there is always New York/New Jersey, where we'll find a lot of sympathetic media types, and also Chicago, and I don't have to tell you why there, I think.

In conjunction with this, we've been kicking around some ground rules for Obamatown, and we've decided to share some of them with you in this memo. Mind you, it's not like we give a shit what you people think but, well, we do care what you think but when you put Obama's ego, er, IQ and my IQ up against the rest of youse, well, you people just can't possibly see what we see, okay? And we won't even mention Michelle's IQ 'cause she does in 21 hours what the rest of you do in 7; I mean, the other way around (memo to self: be sure to fix that before publishing this.) So there's no point in even asking you what you think because we already thunk, er, thought it.

Okay, so here are some of the wonderful ideas we had for Obamaland:
1) Obamaland will have no military forces of any kind. No air force, no navy, no marines, no salvation army. Nothing. We will have a well-equipped civilian security force like Obama has already talked about in his speeches. This force will be responsible for kicking the shit out of our own people but will lie down like a puppy in the event of any agression from outside forces. This is in keeping with the lessons Obama has learned about war, that it's always bad, bad, bad. Bad! Consistent with this policy, there will be no guns in Obamaland, not even squirt guns. No violence unless you're a member of the civilian peacekeeping force, then you can use any means necessary to keep the peace. And prevent littering.

2) Obamaland will have free health care for all. So if you get sick, pick whatever witchdoctor or faith healer you like and it's all on us. But there will be no going outside the system so if you think we're gonna contribute to the Bushhitlernazi Medical-Industrial complex, you're sadly mistaken bucko! And it's gonna be all natural rememdies. No chemicals. Nature did not need chemicals and neither do we. And lots of free pschyotherapy. Maybe even make it mandantory. We're gonna be the healthiest, lovingest bunch of folks this world has ever seen, not like those McSame-Palin-Cheney clones in that shithole we left behind! No neurotics here, no sir! Maybe a few psychotics, but only because they're geniuses, see? Like me and Obama.

3) Obamaland will be green. No gasoline. No nuclear energy. Wind power only. Our cars will not be cars, but we are going to ride around in wagons with sails on them. And keep those tires inflated, dammit! We know that human exhalation is contributing to a lot of the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, so we're gonna have a policy of rationed respiration; if your name ends in A-M, you respire during even hours. N-Z, odd hours. Another thing, every citizen will be given one square of toilet paper - per year - to use. That's it. Like I said, we're gonna be green. And brown. The colors of nature.

4) Our economy - we figure we're gonna be pretty heavy on puppet makers, performance artists, street mimes, things like that, so we got all the important bases covered. One thing we're gonna have is a new currency, the Obamallor. It'll be cool, Obama's picture will be on every note along with his presidential seal and his motto, "zero posthumous". We're not gonna have an exchange rate or anything like that because everything we'll need will be right there! There won't be any need to import or export anything so our money will never have to be exchanged for anything (Oh, did I mention no foreign travel?)

5) Culture - a big part of why we're here is the culture thing. So we're gonna have a lot of abortions, free love, gay sex, pooping in the street, whatever... if it feels good, do it! No religion, that's the opiate of the people and one thing we probably won't need is more opiates. Well, we gotta let Rev. Wright and Fr. Phleger in somewhere because that's their schtick, so Frick and Frack will be our official religion. But there will be no moral rules except that everybody's a victim so everybody is entitled to reparations from everybody else. Oprah has volunteered to run a TV show where people can come on and tell their sad stories and the audience will get to ask questions and sympathize and then she'll give an address where everybody can send their reparations payments to, so this sounds like it will be pretty cool. Obama knows people can't be happy unless we're complaining about something and airing our grievances and making other people feel bad about it so they can give us stuff and make us feel better. That's what life is all about!

So that's what we got so far. We're working on more bennies like free arugula and stuff. I tell ya, by the time we're done and we get Obamaland goin', we're gonna have to put up a Berlin Wall to keep people out! They're all gonna be streaming over that border to escape Bush-McSame's hell and get a slice of the good life that we got. But we ain't gonna let them, they had their chance and they blew it! Those schmucks can just go suck on their iPods, but I guess a lot of the people who buy iPods will already be here so maybe those schmucks can suck on their SUVs - wait, Nancy has a couple of those.... Well, suck on this, pal! And one more rule: nobody says "Scranton" in my presence.

Uncle Joe

Joe's finest moment

And this came from our new member Michael Asher