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Mandatory Cell-Phone Chips for PLAN Messages from Obama

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Comrades,


Praise Lenin for the new, federal madate for special chips in all cell phones to automatically transmit messages from President Obama under the PLAN, which stands for Personal Localized Alert Network. Athough the PLAN affords cell-phone users an opt-out provision for Amber Alerts and alerts from local leaders, it wisely prevents opting-out of messages from Our President. This PLAN affords boundless opportunities for President Obama to promote virtue and prevent vice. Indeed, it was only recently that I received a very helpful alert from President Obama:


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--KOOK

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This is going to HELP* (*His Eminence's Latest Performance) us all so very, very much!

Just think, not only will Dear Leader be watching us and listening to us, he'll be RIGHT THERE in our phones to make sure we do everything in a most progressively equal way!

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The lessons that were reinforced on 9/11 is the importance of getting clear and accurate information to the public during a crisis,” New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a news conference on Tuesday.

Clear and accurate information directly from Dear Leader? This is amazing! The Current Truth can be updated minute by minute, even second by second. Will the wonders of modern technology ever cease?

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Grigori E.R. wrote:The lessons that were reinforced on 9/11 is the importance of getting clear and accurate information to the public during a crisis,” New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a news conference on Tuesday.

Clear and accurate information directly from Dear Leader? This is amazing! The Current Truth can be updated minute by minute, even second by second. Will the wonders of modern technology ever cease?

It's a comfort to know someone will be letting me know whenever there's an imminent need to go to the bathroom. --KOOK

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not only could we be kept informed of The Current Truth™, but wouldn't this be a great way to organize angry mobssupporters for tea party rallies and town hall meetings?

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Red Menace wrote:not only could we be kept informed of The Current Truth™, but wouldn't this be a great way to organize angry mobssupporters for tea party rallies and town hall meetings?


My Dear Comrade Red Menace,

I think you made several typographical errors. It will, of course, be used to send alerts to tea-partiers and town-hallers but only for the purpose of directing them to incorrect locations for their scheduled meetings, protests, demonstrations, etc. Then we'll use the same system to send alerts to all of our loyal SEIU, ACORN and AFL-CIO supporters to give them the addresses of all those tea-partiers thus known to be away from home at the time. Then our SEIU, ACORN & AFL-CIO supporters can have "surprises" ready for the tea-partiers when they finally return home. Isn't technology great? --KOOK

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Comrades!

You miss the intent of the plan! This [scheme] innovation will help people who are away from their TV, radio, communications media. The intended purpose is to help citizens make better choices with whatever food or beverage there is to consume.

It is also a megaphone to allow various government agencies to store information on you.
The information store will be "Responsibly" and not used for any non-governmental purpose.

Resistance is futile, so is your attempt to keep the government out of your business.Nothing can go wrong!

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Comrades, it was also announced in court today by Dear Leader's acting solicitor general, Neal Kumar Katyal, that the federal government absolutely has the authority to mandate that American citizens purchase things (such as health insurance).

With our new phone chips, Dear Leader (or perhaps the Attorney General) will be able to call and pleasantly remind us to pay our monthly Federal Insurance - or other - bills!

What a Brave New USSA we live in, my fellow Amerikans!

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Hopefully this technology will work with the tracking devices to tell the Government when I am participating in covertly observing a Tea Party Bagger rally, or which side of the ballot my hand is moving toward--if I need a reminder. Indeed the Party knows what is best for those who will pay for it.

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Maybe if we're really lucky, the Alerts from Obama will include excerpts from White House Poetry.


--KOOK

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Do we have enough covert operatives to track down Moochelle's dissidents?

iphone-parallels.jpg

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Now, more than ever, I do NOT want an I-Phone or a Droid. Waaaaay too much data mining.

--KOOK

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Smart phones are too smart for your own good. Good old fashioned dumb phones that only make phone calls (like the geriatric "Jitterbug") are starting to look like a good idea.

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Chip...chip....chip....chip...chip.... away. We are cooking that frog my lovely communal freinds.

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Comrades, why all this arguing? As members of the Central Committee, should we be sporting smartphones, even if they deliver us a bull from His Anointed Holiness every hour on the hour?

What does that do to our superheterodyne, phased-antenna-array tin-foil hats? Hmm? I ask you. What does that do to our hats?

Anyone can have an iPhone. AT&T is selling the 3GS for $49. Big deal. But not everyone can sport going to Jiffy-Lobo once a week as I do, lest those pesky rational thoughts come out, and I am so proud to goose-step in my Birkenstocks in serried ranks with Code Pink as we receive the Current Truth on our Tin-Foil Hats.

A true comrade does not have his hand to his ear listening to a phone. His eyes are in the middle distance, as he listens to The Current Truth™ as broadcast by Laika, Noble Space Dog, encouraging us to find just one more bit of property to commandeer or one more freedom to destroy.

Now I'm an Apple Fanboi, but I don't care how many gigabytes of memory you have in an iPhone--you could have all of Dear O'Leader's published law-review articles in there, or in there a thousand times, or a million--infinity times zero is zero--and they would not be as informative as the communiqués of Laika, Noble Space Dog.

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Osama's Porn Stash in Cell-Phone PLAN Alerts from Obama:

Comrades,


Thanks to the new transparency, I just received on an urgent Alert from Obama on my cell-phone via the new PLAN (Private Localized Alert Network) revealing what the US Navy SEALS have now determined to have been a favorite image in Osama's Porn Stash in the basement of his McMansion in Pakistan:

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--KOOK

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KOOK, this proves that dear Obama killed dear Osama. This is just so...true. So...spot on.

This has a verisimilitude unlike anything else that I have seen. This is more convincing than finding eight bags of double-stuff Oreos in Rosie O'Donnell's bed. This is more convincing than finding a case of empty Scotch bottles in every room of a Kennedy household. This is more convincing than even Obama's birth certificate.

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Father Prog Theocritus wrote:KOOK, this proves that dear Obama killed dear Osama. This is just so...true. So...spot on.

This has a verisimilitude unlike anything else that I have seen. This is more convincing than finding eight bags of double-stuff Oreos in Rosie O'Donnell's bed. This is more convincing than finding a case of empty Scotch bottles in every room of a Kennedy household. This is more convincing than even Obama's birth certificate.

I had no doubt of its authenticity-- especially since I know it pained Obama greatly to disseminate this unflattering image of one who had so affectionately and enthusiastically supported him in the past, but since politics ain't bean-bag, Fearless Leader made the gutsy call to release this gutsy picture of his former admirer, Michael Moore, as a pinup cherished by Osama til his death did them part.


--KOOK

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KOOK, something has me wondering. Nearly ten years ago, our military was digging up corpses in Afghani cemeteries, looking for a man of 6'4" with a micropenis.

I have admired the picture of Comrade Michael Moore above and also think that he has a micropenis, if any penis at all. This is not to say that he is not a prick. He most certainly is.

This is more verisimilitude. Think of two lost souls, each with a micropenis, wanting to be appreciated for who they are. For their great thoughts. And they want someone to look beyond the fact that they can use a thimble for a condom.

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Father Prog Theocritus wrote:KOOK, something has me wondering.

* * *

Think of two lost souls, each with a micropenis ....


You've stumbled upon a scientific conundrum. One would expect that Moore has no children, yet Osama had dozens. Artificial Osamination?


--KOOK

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Artificial Osamination? Brilliant! Now all of us Made Progs can boast that we are the products of Artificial Obomination. Dear O'Leader wafts effortlessly above us, sometimes not even needing Air Force One, and rains on us the benefits of his prog seed.

When Michele lets his junk out of her jewelry box.

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KOOK wrote:Comrades,


Praise Lenin for the new, federal madate for special chips in all cell phones to automatically transmit messages from President Obama under the PLAN, which stands for Personal Localized Alert Network. Athough the PLAN affords cell-phone users an opt-out provision for Amber Alerts and alerts from local leaders, it wisely prevents opting-out of messages from Our President. This PLAN affords boundless opportunities for President Obama to promote virtue and prevent vice. Indeed, it was only recently that I received a very helpful alert from President Obama:





--KOOK



Comrade, perhaps it would be best to just have these chips implanted into our heads?
I may send this idea to the Secretary of HHS. She could do it under the cover of saving the gov't money....


 
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