TOTALLY OFF KARAKTER

Greetings Comrades

I just noticed this rather old joke re-hashed and floating around Facebook: "John Cleese's letter to America".

Naturally I questioned those who posted it, saying, surely you can't be suggesting the opening line applies since the anointing of Doctor Utopia, and the heralding of the New World Order of Rainbows and Unicorns.

I appreciate the British humour and can chuckle at some of the premise to follow, but admit to growing a little weary of the whole concept of simply laughing at Americans because, well, they're Americans...

So I figure the best response is to construct a similar letter back to Mr. Cleese and his fellow ideologues, celebrating all that is "great" about Mother England. But I need help from you, fellow Cubists, so please read the points and help me find some to match, for example...

1/ We would simply love to frequent your various, disjointed versions of "football" but need to be assured that we will not be hunted, gang attacked and stabbed several times by jackbooted hooligans, as seems to be standard procedure at English Premier League games. You clearly have a discipline problem...

...and such like. There must be some material in the US' dealing with piracy and slavery, the UK propensity for using NZ and Aussies as cannon fodder in WW1, the release of the Lockerbie bomber...

The fact that their opening salvo even mentions Gordon Brown, means they are asking for it...(pot...kettle...black...)

Here is the famous letter, for your reminding. Go for it, Cubists! I need your wit! Fight satire with satire!

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of yourfailure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to governyourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a worldoutside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without theneed for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether anyof you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness onyour part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if youcan't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Lookup “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed withfiller noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptableand inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you'renot old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chatshows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't haveto use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft knowon your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ---Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast withsubtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no suchplace as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." Ifyou persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asthe good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors toplay English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will notbe re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience whocan't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man shouldnever be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save TheQueen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want youto get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other typesof football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. Howeverproper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the bestknown, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American"football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside yourborders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead playproper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is adifficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed toplay rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does notinvolve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlarbody armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an eventcalled the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside ofNorth America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a worldbeyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which isbaseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards orhotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will nolonger be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in publicthan a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensibleenough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permitif you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of Novemberwill be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called"Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand whatwe mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You willstart driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, youwill go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understandthe British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'Frenchfries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgianthough 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while inEurope) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things youinsist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chipsare thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment tochips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added toall tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity tobe doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is notactually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only properBritish Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews ofknown and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." Thesubstances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth bereferred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of theproduct of the American Budweiser company whose product will bereferred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow trueBudweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the CzechRepublic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or"gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1stof April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its pricesto those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UKpetrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, thenyou're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with youshortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Comrade, you should aim your hammer or sickle at the contemporary British ruling class -- Prince Walid Bin Talal, Akhmed Zakayev, Boris Berezovsky, Thaksin Shinawatra, and their other lordships. But if you really want to annoy the British, have a go at the very toast of Whitehall: Muammar Gaddafi.

Here's another one:

Answer to #15: We've already told you. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. We concluded this through a multitude of evidence based forensic investigations deliberated over by many peers. Refer to your own #4. If you would like us to improve Hollywood then stop believing everything that comes out of it.

Adnan Hajj wrote:Comrade, you should aim your hammer or sickle at the contemporary British ruling class -- Prince Walid Bin Talal, Akhmed Zakayev, Boris Berezovsky, Thaksin Shinawatra, and their other lordships. But if you really want to annoy the British, have a go at the very toast of Whitehall: Muammar Gaddafi.

Excellent work, thanks Comrade! Yes, Gaddafi is quite the ally...

First - I would like to remind our comrades in the UK that we are still waiting for repayment for Lend Lease during WWII. I realize (oops, realise) that it's only been 70 years but we really could use the cash (to pay for all those clunkers).

Second - When is jolly old England going to admit that Elton John is the real queen of England?

If our honorable British friends could truly disband the House of Representatives and the Senate (something many of us would view as progress), we might gladly bow to Her Majesty and wait long hours standing in the rain to glimpse Her Majesty's brief appearance on a balcony on Her Majesty's birthday. This glimpsing fascination seems foolish to us but I'm certain we shall discover the wisdom of it given time.

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Thanks for your revealing letter. We no longer need a DNA sample to determine who Neville Chamberlain's bastard son is.
Thank you for your co-operation.
It was first believed that you could have been Clement Atlee's bastard son but you have erased all doubt.

Sincerely,
USA

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Cleese, Cleese...where have I heard that name? Oh wait, now I remember. You're that stuffy, pompous hasbeen with the dead parrot.

Have you done anything funny since?

Well regardless, you're not at all like that fellow Benny Hill. Mr. Hill was charming and lovable.

ThePeoplesComrade wrote:If our honorable British friends could truly disband the House of Representatives and the Senate (something many of us would view as progress), we might gladly bow to Her Majesty and wait long hours standing in the rain to glimpse Her Majesty's brief appearance on a balcony on Her Majesty's birthday. This glimpsing fascination seems foolish to us but I'm certain we shall discover the wisdom of it given time.

But comrade People's Comrade, there are people waiting for The One to do that right now.

Commissar_Elliott wrote:But comrade People's Comrade, there are people waiting for The One to do that right now.

So true but those selfish Capitalists are putting up a fight and Dear Leader is unfairly slipping in the poles. Any port in a storm - God Save the Queen!

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Du u reeliz if da monarkee wur reinstated, weed jus revolt again (prononcd aG-Ain, as in a gain)?

Wit al deez reestricsuns u put on uz, weed find uh waa tu beet u at ur on gam? Y du u tink ganstas hav gunzzz and cumon sitizins hav a hard tim ob. . .obt. . .obtan'in dem?

Der is such ting as American inglish, we kant undrstan ur letr, why els wud i bee rittin lik i am? Its becuz its American inglish (off topic)I'm sorry I said that last line, I honestly do see some sort of division in American English one day however. Visit a local inner city public school, and you'll see what I mean. (back on topic)

Now for Beelzebob Brown, here's what I've got for you.

"We as American's would love to rejoin you Mother England, assuming we can keep our dental plan. (Sorry, it had to be done)"

"We'll join just assuming we can keep our many different teas. There are some who don't like Ural (?) Grey."

"We'll take your proposition as long as we can go to football, or is it futbool, or foutball, or what ever as long as we don't get killed by the inevitable riots."

"We'll be more then happy to rejoin as long as the movie "V for Vendetta" is still allowed to be watched."

"The crown will be restored in America as long as we don't have to walk on cobblestone sidewalks. (Again, sorry for the stereotyping)."

"Please let America rejoin the British crown as long as Australia, India and other colonies you once held onto can. It gets lonely, and I'm guessing they all have stuff to say to you too."

Thank you Comrades! Here is a rough draft. Please add to it as you see fit.


LETTER TO JOHN CLEESE,

FROM THE USA

Dear John Cleese

We're so honoured that you have taken an interest in our country. We really liked that dead parrot sketch. And A Fish Called Wanda was funny too, although Kevin Kline really made that (you know, the American guy).

Even though we have now elected the Light Giver and Bringer of Socialist Utopia, we are presuming your demands still stand. After all, our Dear Leader gave your un-elected PM Gordon Brown such a frightfully disrespectful gift. Poor form, that, especially from a fellow socialist! Has Gordy worked out how to play the CD's yet?

We are more than happy to acquiesce to your demand of revoking our independence. Ironic, that, as it implies that you actually allowed it in the first place, when in fact we won it from you in a war which we won, with a victory, from fighting better and stuff. However, we do stress the following conditions:-

1/ You will admit that the real queen of England is actually Elton John

2/ We will pronounce most words as you wish, providing we are exempt from using “F” instead of “TH” a the beginning of words such as “thing”, and are still allowed to use the letter “t” at the end of words such as “what”, and “alright”. We refuse to even attempt to understand anything said with an accent from areas like Liverpool, Birmingham, Wales, West London, Bristol, Somerset…and many others. We'll send you a list.

3/ We would like to continue, as we currently do, being able to spectate at football games without receiving multiple stab wounds from a mob of jackbooted, mohawked, union-jack t-shirt-wearing hooligans, as seems to be modus operandi at most UK football games. Furthermore we assure you that whichever particular sport you wish us to play, is most likely already played extensively here. Except cricket, because that is really, really boring.

4/ As tasteless as you consider our beer to be, we would like to keep it cold, thank you. They have beer like yours in Australia, too. It's called Vegemite. Except over there they put it on their toast. We know this. We looked it up.

5/ If you don't like our cars, perhaps your "petrol" is too expensive and your speed limits are too slow. Once you drive in Montana, you'll see what we mean. We should at least be allowed to keep the new Corvette. Even Jeremy Clarkson liked it, and you always listen to him.

6/ If you don't like the casting in Hollywood movies, stop watching them. More importantly, stop believing everything in them. You see, we have already told you who killed JFK. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. We concluded this through a series of evidence based forensic investigations deliberated over by many peers and enquiries. Kevin Costner is not an authority on the subject. At this point we should also mention that Islamic terrorists were responsible for 9/11, in case you were wondering about that also.

7/ While we're on the subject, please tell us why, oh why, oh WHY, on God's green earth, did you release the Lockerbie bomber? That's been driving us crazy. It seems you people don't even know.

8/ Can you finally, after 70 years, pay us back the Lend Lease money we gave you in WWII? With interest, it might go towards 0.00001% of the massive national debt we are suffering under our new president…you know…the one you like so much. Who would have thought being cool could be so expensive.

9/ Let us keep our dental cover.

Yes, you get a double "Brilliant" poster of mine. I like the letter.

Please post on here his response, if you send it off, and if he response.