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Paul Ryan Killed My Gram-Gram

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Does Paul Ryan kill the elderly? Yes, yes he does -- but the details are really unimportant. What is important is for everyone to know that Paul Ryan really has no shame and his plan to End Medicare As We Know™ is as blood-soaked as George W. Bush's underpants (warmonger!)

Just the other day my Gram-Gram passed away due to the Republican plan to destroy our sacred Medicare. Upon learning of the Republican's plan, I visited Gram-Gram at her palatial 200-acre Nantucket estate to inform her of the news that her Medicare was going to be snatched away from her.

The news was too much for her and she took her own life using a pillow since the rat poisoning, the marbles on the stairs, and the hairdryer in the bathtub didn't quite do the job. Luckily for me she had a generous life insurance policy and a crack team of New York lawyers who ensured everything would be left to me.

Oh, Gram-Gram! If only the Republicans weren't so determined to rob you of your Medicare you still might be with me here today enjoying a choice bottle of your aged wines! What horror! Damn you, Paul Ryan! Damn you and fat cat corporate donors!

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I blame Big Oil. Why? I just like to blame Big Oil for things.

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My dear Chairman Meow:

Please accept my deepest condolences for the terrible loss of not only your beloved Gram-Gram, but her Social Security benefits.

You, Chairman, are to be commended for your enormous courage and sacrifice for the Greater Good™ . It would have been so easy for you to keep silent about her passing, and thus continue receiving those Social Security checks. Indeed, I would have been honored to come over to your dacha with my shovel and dig a hole for her out in the backyard, and out of compassion for your bereavement I would have asked for only 50 percent of her monthly benefits, her scented candle collection, and that doll in her bathroom with the big crocheted skirt that she used to cover her spare roll of toilet paper.

But instead you made the bold, gutsy decision to make public Gram-Gram's untimely demise, to stand on her grave and use her tombstone as a bully pulpit to bravely speak out against unspeakable Republican atrocities. Speaking out against Republicans is the bravest thing anyone can do, which is why so few people do it.

In closing, I leave you with one very comforting thought: Your Gram-Gram may be gone from this mortal coil, but rest assured her name will live on forever and anywhere you find a voting booth.

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:My dear Chairman Meow:

Please accept my deepest condolences for the terrible loss of not only your beloved Gram-Gram, but her Social Security benefits.

You, Chairman, are to be commended for your enormous courage and sacrifice for the Greater Good™ . It would have been so easy for you to keep silent about her passing, and thus continue receiving those Social Security checks. Indeed, I would have been honored to come over to your dacha with my shovel and dig a hole for her out in the backyard, and out of compassion for your bereavement I would have asked for only 50 percent of her monthly benefits, her scented candle collection, and that doll in her bathroom with the big crocheted skirt that she used to cover her spare roll of toilet paper.

But instead you made the bold, gutsy decision to make public Gram-Gram's untimely demise, to stand on her grave and use her tombstone as a bully pulpit to bravely speak out against unspeakable Republican atrocities. Speaking out against Republicans is the bravest thing anyone can do, which is why so few people do it.

In closing, I leave you with one very comforting thought: Your Gram-Gram may be gone from this mortal coil, but rest assured her name will live on forever and anywhere you find a voting booth.

You are kind, Pinkie. Gram-Gram certainly had a heart of gold -- a heart of gold which was sadly left to her pampered pooch, Tinkerbelle. Stupid ratty old dog. Who the Hell does that old cow think she is leaving her heart of gold to the farking dog? I had a buyer and everything set up and that stupid old woman leaves the heart of gold to the dog! THE DOG! Ugh, nothing a little chocolate cannot fix.


To think I paid to have that woman holed up in a fancy nursing home on Staten Island! Ridiculous! And to make matters worse -- much worse! -- her entire house staff walked out on me once we got the old hag in the ground. Isn't there some government program available that assigns unemployed loser Americans to tend to the gardens and do the cleaning?


No one can expect me to cook my own meals and pull weeds! That would be so... so... so middle-class! Eck!

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My condolences for your Gram-Gram's sudden and un-expected demise Chairman. It is always tougher on those left behind is it not?


 
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