President Barack Obama today unveiled a bold new initiative for dealing with the country's healthcare crisis. Entitled "Share the Health", the President hopes to reduce healthcare costs by requiring healthy people to give some of their good health to the less healthy and accept some sickness in return.

The President announced his program in a speech at the national meeting of M.U.C.H. (Marxists Usually Chronically Hyper-educated.) "It is not fair", the President read from his teleprompter "Marvin", "that some people in this society are born to health while others are not. We must, as a society, redistribute health so that all can enjoy some good health. We cannot afford to let people who exercise, eat well, have good genes and avoid negative behaviors, like drug abuse, to hog all the good health for themselves! I believe the time has arrived to address this inequality. Thank you, Mr. President, for appearing here.... (oh, that's your line.)"

"This country is just mean!", said Michelle Obama.

Critics countered that there is no sensible logical way that "health" can be redistributed. In response, Press Secretary Gibbs commented that "The President believes this country can do anything it sets its mind to. In the 1960s, we sent a big space ship to Jupiter and found monoliths! He thinks its time we harness that same creativity again."

Villianous cretinous idiot Rush Limbaugh declared "this is the stupidest idea I've heard since yesterday when the President's teleprompter last addressed us." But, as usual, he offered no constructive ideas of his own.

Thanks to Dear Leader's glorious economy, I've already begun to share my health by selling my blood for $10 a pint. Plus I get a free donut afterward.

And I've sued my parents for not making me blood type B negative, the blood bank would pay extra for that I'm told.

Is this a good time to make a new HealthSpread graphic?

I guess the correct title would be "Spread the Health Around."

I tried to share my health recently by hacking and coughing all over somebody wearing a progressive t-shirt, but they didn't want any part of this redistribution of health.

There are many ways to redistribute health, Obamissar!

There's airborn health, waterborn health, etc. Health can be spread through direct and indirect contact from one person or animal to another. This can occur when an individual with the health touches, coughs on or kisses someone who isn't healthy. Health can also spread through the exchange of body fluids from sexual contact or a blood transfusion.

But here's the latest report from the front line of the Battle for Healthcare:

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Outside Toledo, Ohio, on Sunday, President Barack Obama, D-Ill., was approached by people's cube maker Red Würfelmacher*, who asked Obama if he believes in healthy lifestyle.

"I'm getting ready to lower my cholesterol to 100 mg/dL," Würfelmacher said. "Your new plan of redistributing cholesterol is going to raise my count, isn't it?"

Obama said, "First off, you would get $13 a week for your healthcare costs... if your count is above 160 - then we'll stop drawing your blood. Also if you abuse alcohol, drugs, or junk food. But if your blood is clean, we'll have to add some bacteria and all kind of sh*t into it, and give other folks your healthier blood, because 95% of Americans who are high, drunk, obese, suffer from STDs, herpes, and genital warts - all these people want your blood."

"Another urgent problem in America is the size of people's penises," Obama continued. "Fewer and fewer folks these days can have their American dream fulfilled, which is to have a bigger penis. But we are going to develop a technology, by restoring science to its rightful place, to cut some of your penis and give it back to 95% of folks with smaller penises.
"So what I want to do is give everybody a penis cut. And so what we're doing is, we are saying that folks who have more than five inches - they're gonna be cut at a 39 instead of a 36% rate."

Responded Würfelmacher, "the reason I ask you about the American dream, I mean I've exercised hard. I limit my diet to vegetables. I don't drink nor smoke. So I'm getting my healthy blood removed and replaced with some foul sewage from a crackhead? And he's also going to get two inches of my penis? What about my American dream?"

"Well," said Obama, "here's a way of thinking about it. You wouldn't be asking these questions if we were also to transplant some of the crackhead's brain under yours skull, would you?"

"No," said Würfelmacher.

"Of course not," said Obama. "But what's happened is that because nobody wanted to share, the average health and intelligence of the nation declined, while the cholesterol count is on the rise. And the average penis size of ordinary folks, the vast majority of Americans, has actually gone down over the last eight years of the Bush Administration. So all I want to do is cut penises of the 5% of the folks who are doing very well. It's not that I want to punish their success - I just want to make sure that everybody who is behind them might fulfill their dream of screwing the other 5%."

Würfelmacher said it seemed as though Obama might support screwing the other 5%.
Obama said, "My attitude is that if the health is good for folks from the bottom up, it's gonna be good for everybody. When you spread the health around, it's good for everybody."

"But listen," Obama said, shaking Würfelmacher's hand, "I respect what you do to stay healthy because we're going to need you. And even if I don't get your vote, I'm still gonna be working hard to get your blood, your lungs, your liver, your kidneys, or your penis. Because small penises is what's wrong with this country and I want to enlarge them."

"Guys I gotta get out of here and go prepare for a transplant," Obama said, "but that was pretty good practice right there."

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* Würfelmacher = cube maker

Thanks to my trusty shovel, I've done some digging on this troublemaker Red the Cubemaker and come up with the following:

Red isn't even his real name, it's more like a nickname he picked up at Cubemaker School.

He's delinquent on his taxes.

And even though he went to Cubemaker School, he doesn't even have a license to make cubes, at least not in Ohio.

Comrade Red Square, I keep trying to redistribute health through special contact with the cuter hippie chicks in the collective, but I suspect if I were to stop wearing my "Peace Through Superior Firepower" shirt I could score with the open minded progressives more often.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Thanks to Dear Leader's glorious economy, I've already begun to share my health by selling my blood for $10 a pint. Plus I get a free donut afterward.

And I've sued my parents for not making me blood type B negative, the blood bank would pay extra for that I'm told.

Of course, Comrade Whoopie, you will be declaring this bounty on your tax return next month, won't you? This is required unless you are an Obama cabinet appointee, in which case it is prohibited.

Red Square wrote: "Another urgent problem in America is the size of people's penises," Obama continued. "Fewer and fewer folks these days can have their American dream fulfilled, which is to have a bigger penis. But we are going to develop a technology, by restoring science to its rightful place, to cut some of your penis and give it back to 95% of folks with smaller penises.
"So what I want to do is give everybody a penis cut.

Perhaps the Congress will also authorize Obama to equalize the allotments of pubic hair in addition to the genital redistribution. This will certainly help lower the cost of the VP's hair transplants. Unfortunately, it may also lend credence to the myth that he is a dickhead. Yes, it is a trade off, but it is worth it.