MEMORANDUM
FROM: Energy Dept Commissar
TO: Party Faithful
RE: Energy Policy Status Report


Comrades, as you all know, unlike the Big-Oil-Loving Climate-Change-Denying opposition, our Party led by Barack Obama favors a "Do Everything" energy policy featuring lots n' lots of green energy investments to suppliment dwindling fossil fuel supplies. Let's have a brief review and see how we're doing on that, shall we?

OIL: The proposed Keystone XL pipeline is dead in the water because of potential environmental damage due to its route thru sensitive wetlands. In addition, the pipeline would have brought Tar Sands oil down from Canada. This type of oil generates a lot of pollution when its produced, something we don't want to encourage. The Canadians will sell it to China instead. No great loss.
STATUS: INACTIVE, FUTURE PRODUCTION UNLIKELY.
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GAS: Though still a fossil fuel, natural gas is relatively clean. However, our major reserves can only be extracted through the process of hydraulic fracking, which pollutes groundwater, kills birds, fish and marmots and makes tap water taste like cleaning fluid. While we still have hopes for this fuel source, we are not holding our breath. BTW, there is little existing infrastructure for transporting or handling this fuel currently - maybe we shoulda devoted some money towards that in the 2009 Stimulus? Oh, well.
STATUS: MINIMAL ACTIVITY, FUTURE PRODUCTION QUESTIONABLE

COAL: We HATE coal. It's dirty and smelly and smoky. We hate the states that produce it and we hate the states that use it. The president talked in the past about his support for "clean coal" but that was just for public consumption; we all know there is no such thing, it's like having virgin hookers. We are trying as hard as we can to kill coal use in the US.
STATUS: STICK A FORK IN IT, IT'S TOAST

CORN ETHANOL: Bad optics...mumble, mumble.... making fuel from food.... mumble, mumble.... world grain prices rising... mumble, mumble....
STATUS: PHASING OUT PROGRAM quietly

NUCLEAR: Nuclear is very clean environmentally but when there's an earthquake and/or a tsunami, it causes more environmental damage in three hours than all other fuels combined do in 300 years. Europe is still reeling from the 1986 Chernobyl meltdown. There hasn't been a new nuclear plant permitted in this country since The China Syndrome premiered, and that is unlikely to change as long as Jane is a big campaign donor.
STATUS: ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN (AND EASTERN) FRONT

WIND: Wind used to be our power source of choice until we found out the rapidly rotating blades chopped up birds and bats like a buzzsaw on meth. On top of that, we realized the wind does not always blow all the time at the right speed (sometimes it blows waaaay too hard and we have to brake the windmills else they'd take off into the air like a presidential helicopter on its way to a golf course.) Then there's high-profile people like our late, dear friend Teddy who thought the farms looked like shit. The worst part is the wind farms end up requiring conventionally-fueled power plants as backups making the energy cost much more while being just as environmentally unfriendly as fossil-fuel only plants.
STATUS: CUTTING BACK FOR NOW, STILL HAVE HIGH HOPES FOR FUTURE... MAYBE... POSSIBLY...

SOLAR: The crown jewel of our energy policy has been hit by a few high-profile bankruptcies in our investment program as well as the unforseen consequence that the panels don't generate much electricity when the sun isn't shining (who knew?) Now, it appears some new hurdles will be springing up as the solar panel arrays may impinge on the habitats of some species of plants and animals we never heard of before. It's not easy being green.
STATUS: UMMM... WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THIS

BIOFUELS: Check back in 20 or 30 years.
STATUS: IN PROGRESS... SOMEDAY.

SUMMARY: Despite our best intentions, energy prices continue to rise. We believe this is the fault of Wall Street speculators, greedy oil companies and George Bush. Unfortunately, a Democrat president can do nothing about high energy prices so the White House has decided we should shift our focus and attention to pressing important issues like the GOP War on Women and the Trayvon Martin case. The DOE will shortly be soliciting papers exploring the connection between lack of free government-supplied contraceptives and high gas prices (i.e. Womyn use more gas driving to Target to buy cheap birth contol pills than they would if HHS sent the pills to them thru the mail, thus driving up pump prices) and the effect that white hispanics firing off guns has on reducing solar panel efficiency due to clouds of barrel smoke reducing the amount of sunlight hitting the panels. Thank you.

Comrade Opiate, it is truly a terrifying time to be alive - or it would be, if we didn't all know that Dear Leader (PBUH) has it all under control.

The State is concerned about the people's health (costs). Walking is better for you.

Comrade Opaite,

Here is some late arriving information on two other forms of energy that obviously missed the deadline for inclusion in the Energy Commissar's report:

FUEL CELLS: Usable energy can be produced on a smaller and somewhat safer scale as nuclear by using fuel cells. A single fuel cell can be used to power a car or a house. Fuel cells create electricity in much the way as nuclear by using heat. This heat come from burning something such as hydrogen, alcohol or natural gas.
Aside from the infrastructure and handling problems of gas and the use of grain to make the alcohol, the green house gases released during burning contribute to global warming. Also, it may not be advisable to make a potentially explosive devise available to everyone.

Comrade yuri,

We in the DOE are eager to promote forms of energy that the foolish "free market" is too stupid to realize the value of. In this regard, we are in the process of lining up cronies investors to build billions of dollars of fuel cell plants even as we speak. So even though, as you suggest, the technology will not work within our lifetimes, we in the DOE are willing to take that risk.

On the subject of HOMOTHERMAL however, we haven't had a lot of success with technologies of this nature so we will stick with HETEROTHERMAL for the time being.

Opiate of the People wrote:Comrade yuri,

On the subject of HOMOTHERMAL however, we haven't had a lot of success with technologies of this nature so we will stick with HETEROTHERMAL for the time being.

Comrade Opiate. I really shouldn't have to remind a fellow member of The Party, but -

All success is equal. It's feelings that matter, and using only HETEROTHERMAL energy denies the very diversity upon which Next Tuesday is built. It is critical that we also, and equally, employ HOMOTHERMAL, BITHERMAL, LESBIOTHERMAL, GAYTHERMAL, TRANSTHERMAL, UNDECIDEDTHERMAL, AND TRANSMOGRIFIEDTHERMAL energies, understanding that - while this may mean an occasional minor setback, such as the loss of the basic familial structure of society - such relatively unimportant things pale in comparison to the Glorious Future to which we all subscribe!

Comrade Opiate,

FIRE: Bio-fueled and proven source of heat.
STATUS: We will be back to this soon enough because it's Back To The Future with Obama and the Party's vision.

What's more, Commodore, it's just not the same singing "Kumbaya" while sitting around a windmill, is it?

Commodore Woogums,

Are those the Party approved, State provided 'gopher' matches being used as ignition for your heat source? Strike 1 and gopher another. Only the best from the State.

Opiate of the People wrote:What's more, Commodore, it's just not the same singing "Kumbaya" while sitting around a windmill, is it?

yuri trotynov wrote:Commodore Woogums,

Are those the Party approved, State provided 'gopher' matches being used as ignition for your heat source? Strike 1 and gopher another. Only the best from the State.

Comrades,

Do you not understand? This is RENEWABLE energy. Before we chop down all of the trees we replant the seeds they have before we burn them and twenty of thirty years from now we chop them down all down again and get heat and energy thus repeating natures cycle. It is a win win the planet is happy and Bush doesn't get any more profits from illegal wars.

Progressively Yours.

Commodore Snoogie Woogums

Wind energy is less reliable because of wind velocity. This can be remedied by hiring people whose job it is to blow constantly on the turbines and generate electricity. This new position will be job blowers. The turbine must be kept on the move around the clock!

Commodore Snoogie Woogums wrote:Comrade Opiate,

FIRE: Bio-fueled and proven source of heat.
STATUS: We will be back to this soon enough because it's Back To The Future with Obama and the Party's vision.

camp-fire-kindling.jpg

Yup, Biofuel is the future ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... nH2pgtt7_I

General Confusion wrote:Wind energy is less reliable because of wind velocity. This can be remedied by hiring people whose job it is to blow constantly on the turbines and generate electricity. This new position will be job blowers. The turbine must be kept on the move around the clock!

Comrade, this idea of yours is no fluke. I understand many Party turbines find a good job blow helpful when there is not enough wind to keep the blades turning otherwise.

Infidel Castrate wrote: Yup, Biofuel is the future ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... nH2pgtt7_I

Excellent! I'll have the DOE draw up plans for a contest to design the new Chevy Fart!

Yamaha has been experimenting with biofuels for years. Here is a photograph taken by one of our operatives at Yamaha's secret test facility.

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Comrades, I was just watching the movie Ben-Hur and was inspired by the galley scenes. Think of how many jobs we could create (or even save) if all boats were powered by hundreds of rowers. Plus there would be job openings for the person who bangs on the drum and calls for battle speed, attack speed, ramming speed, etc.

We could also refit all forms of land transportation so they're powered by hundreds of pedalers. Or pullers. Or pushers. Or all three.

And they'd all be environmentally friendly!

I just can't figure out how to make this work with air travel.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:I just can't figure out how to make this work with air travel.

Catapults. Great big honking catapults. So big they take hundreds of people to pull them back. Gee, you know, they'd have to be big to throw people hundreds of miles.

COMRADES!!!!!!

TO ARMS!

Reichwing Counter-Revolutionaries have mobilized a propaganda campaign to discredit my alternate fuel idea of using "FIRE". Making absurd claims that this will actually cause harm to the forest trees instead of good. They have even gone so far as to use cute cuddly animals to try and discredit my brilliant renewable fuel source suggestion.

Warning The Following Disgusting Posters Have Been Sighted (View at your own risk).