by Willie Lietayou and Jesse Will, Professional Journolists

The wave of right-wing extremist-inspired violence erupting across America continued today when a crazed mob composed of Tea Baggers attacked President Obama as he emerged from a DENOUNCE PALIN VIOLENCE NOW! rally in suburban Red City, Texas.

The leader of the mob was identified as Sarah Lockenload (pictured below) a local resident and probable climate change denier.


Reporters on the scene and investigators (but mostly reporters on the scene) say Lockenload approached the president pretending to shake his hand and then attempted to electrocute the President with a cheap iPod knockoff manufactured by a health insurance company angry about ObamaCare. The president deftly sidestepped her thrust and disabled her with a superb Akido move he learned as an Illinois State Senator to fend off over-aggressive lobbyists. The president then applied advanced mind-control techniques to the woman's attack dog Hannity which kept the animal motionless until secret service agents could arrive with biscuits.

Friends and acquaintances were not surprised that Ms. Lockenload attacked the president, noting that she frequently listened to the same radio station that broadcasts Rush Limbaugh's hate-filled show in the area and owned numerous magazines with pictures of guns in them. A clerk at her local supermarket who wished to remain anonymous told us Ms. Lockenload frequently purchased tea, stating "it was more than a woman her size could possibly drink so I suspected she was doing something else with it." The local FBI office confirmed that Ms. Lockenload has admitted to knowing who Sarah Palin is.

Hiram Gummish, expert on Right Wing Republican Tea Party Violence for the Southern Poverty Law Center, states that the current eruption of savagery began last fall with the election of numerous racist candidates to the US Congress and State Legislatures. An expert in these matters, Gummish said he sees signs of extremist violence everywhere he looks now, especially in interior states which are far from the peace-oriented cultural centers on both coasts. He believes the best way to combat racism is to give money to his organization to help them educate the public before things get much further out of hand. Long term, he said "we must reverse course and restore more moderate voices to public service who will be willing to cooperate and do what's wright instead of catering to the extremist elements in society. Otherwise, we can expect stories like this to keep appearing until the country gets tired of it and changes its ways."

Media voices such as Paul Krugman have been warning the country about the extremist rhetoric emanating from the right since the shooting of a congresswoman in Tucson Arizona a few weeks ago. Many people scoffed at them, asserting that the previous attack had nothing to do with the angry imagery and rhetoric spewed out by the likes of Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and the Tea Party. For Krugman and others, this latest attack is vindication of their position. "I've been saying this would happen again and again", Krugman sadly told us today. "I wish I was wrong about this but unfortunately, I am right. I always am."

Through sources that I can't reveal, this photo of another "tea bagger" came to my attention.



Moonbat "tea-bagger" gets sprayed by Secret Service skunk while trying to touch the fringe of The One's™ Hartmarx.

Yanno Opiated, I remember that scene in the photograph and that's not the way I remember what happened. That old doper skank was peeing her panties in ecstasy that the grate O was holding her hand. The dog kept his wits about him and just didn't care.

But if you are a member of the Inner Circle, then you must be right.

Vladimir_Scratchanitch wrote: That old doper skank was peeing her panties in ecstasy that the grate O was holding her hand. The dog kept his wits about him and just didn't care.

But if you are a member of the Inner Circle, then you must be right.

Scratchy, I believe you may be correct, I'd recognize the Frau's wrinkled bosoms anywhere.

Vladimir_Scratchanitch wrote:Yanno Opiated, I remember that scene in the photograph and that's not the way I remember what happened.

Your point being WHAT Comrade Scratchy? Surely you are familiar with the Dan Rather Doctrine regarding the so-called inauthentic authentic documents he presented in 2004 relating to GW Bush's service in the Air National Guard: "the longer you go without a denial (from the Bush—Cheney campaign about the alleged activities that cannot be proven), the more likely that the story is true."

I ask you, Comrade, has Sarah Palin denied this attack took place? Has Rush Limbaugh? HAS ANYONE???? No. So we must assume the event took place, regardless of whether it did or not.

Whether or not this story is true, Comrade, it ought to be true. To put it another way, a lie is simply a truth that has not occurred yet. Our job is to make sure they do not occur but to act as if they did.

Opiate of the People wrote:... Surely you are familiar with the Dan Rather Doctrine... a lie is simply a truth that has not occurred yet.

Dan Rather's problem was that he went all in with a pair of deuces - and got beaten. But the doctrine is the correct one. In Soviet Russia, airplanes never fell from the sky. The way the media reported it, those airplanes simply landed ahead of scheduled completion of the airport in that area.

Report the Current Truth as you see fit, comrades! The reality will just have to comply or be assimilated.

Red Square wrote:

Opiate of the People wrote:... Surely you are familiar with the Dan Rather Doctrine... a lie is simply a truth that has not occurred yet.

Dan Rather's problem was that he went all in with a pair of deuces - and got beaten. But the doctrine is the correct one. In Soviet Russia, airplanes never fell from the sky. The way the media reported it, those airplanes simply landed ahead of scheduled completion of the airport in that area.

Report the Current Truth as you see fit, comrades! The reality will just have to comply or be assimilated.

Comrade Red Square,

Here is some compliance, seems the Tea Party had a double agent working for them. He allowed himself to get shot and then went out later and made threats against a Tea Bagger, making it appear that the left wing is also violent. All to give the Reich Wing a propaganda victory.

Comrade Opiate,

I have to question the source of your photo and assume it is from Faux News. MSNBC just released a story based on these same events with an unvarnished portrait of the incident. You were probably duped into using that one by a teabagger subversive trying to mitigate the PR damage from the heroic actions of Dear Leader.

Joe Scarborough says she tried to eat his face.

INGSOC, I didn't know for sure what all the fuss was about until you cleared it all up with your image. Thanks bro...

Red Square wrote: Report the Current Truth as you see fit, comrades! The reality will just have to comply or be assimilated.

Comrade Red Square, this is our Holy Grail, our Unified Field Theory, the key piece to the puzzle that will make all our dreams come true. Comrade Orwell spelled out the problem and its probable solution so well in the collective's instruction manual, "1984".

Naturally, stupid reality itself cannot be reformed as it is not subject to brainwashing or bribery or coercion under force or any of the other tools for human progress we employ. But this is a fixable problem as Postmodern Theory tells us objective reality does not exist, everything is perception. Unfortunately, it is not enough that the workers simply say publicly (and even privately) the Current Truth ™ as handed down by the Party; they still could be thinking something else and not telling anyone.

To achieve Utopia, we must control perception. We must be able to download the required instructions into the brain itself in order to properly direct its processing of stimuli so that the results are conducive to our agenda human social evolution! Only when we remove stubborn obstacles such as personal doubt and unauthorized thinking can we hope to create the world our forepersons dreamed of.

INGSOC wrote:Comrade Opiate,

I have to question the source of your photo and assume it is from Faux News. MSNBC just released a story based on these same events with an unvarnished portrait of the incident. You were probably duped into using that one by a teabagger subversive trying to mitigate the PR damage from the heroic actions of Dear Leader.

Joe Scarborough says she tried to eat his face.

Ummm, a more-current Current Truth ™. I hate it when the past changes and no one tells me.

The plot thickens. Alert State Security Forces at once!

Comrade Ingsoc:
This is most troubling news...are you saying that Dear Leader™ was attacked by Bat Boy?

Photographic evidence alone suggests a bat person in the least, perhaps the mother of Bat Boy. I'm not sure what the bigger news is; that another bat person has been discovered or that bat people are conservative tea baggers.

This man is wanted for questioning;

Comrade Whoopie wrote:

Vladimir_Scratchanitch wrote: That old doper skank was peeing her panties in ecstasy that the grate O was holding her hand. The dog kept his wits about him and just didn't care.

But if you are a member of the Inner Circle, then you must be right.

Scratchy, I believe you may be correct, I'd recognize the Frau's wrinkled bosoms anywhere.

This is an incorrect comment & sighting. I, the Frau, was not there. Nor were my bosoms. I was, as usual, working working working and unable to attend to visually see dearest Leader. I am relieved to see he got the crooked hand on that womanly teabag person, so she could not do him harm. That is Pres. Michelle's job, is it not?

INGSOC wrote:Photographic evidence alone suggests a bat person in the least, perhaps the mother of Bat Boy. I'm not sure what the bigger news is; that another bat person has been discovered or that bat people are conservative tea baggers.

All bat people are tea-baggers? Yes, the theory has merit, INGSOC. The big ears are perfect for hearing every little Congressional faux pas and putting them up on You Tube to embarrass the Party. The huge eyes enable them to read between the lines of the ObamaCare ™ and Stimulus ™bills. The huge, hard cranium is perfect for bashing down the doors of officials who are locked in their offices and trying to hide beneath their desks work. The enormous cavernous mouths are excellent for shouting down Party leaders who are trying to scream epithets at reason with them.

Hmmm, what is this technique called, PROFILING? It seems to work very well for catching most criminals aside from terrorists at airports.

Opiate of the People wrote:

INGSOC wrote:Photographic evidence alone suggests a bat person in the least, perhaps the mother of Bat Boy. I'm not sure what the bigger news is; that another bat person has been discovered or that bat people are conservative tea baggers.

All bat people are tea-baggers? Yes, the theory has merit, INGSOC. The big ears are perfect for hearing every little Congressional faux pas and putting them up on You Tube to embarrass the Party. The huge eyes enable them to read between the lines of the ObamaCare ™ and Stimulus ™bills. The huge, hard cranium is perfect for bashing down the doors of officials who are locked in their offices and trying to hide beneath their desks work. The enormous cavernous mouths are excellent for shouting down Party leaders who are trying to scream epithets at reason with them.

Hmmm, what is this technique called, PROFILING? It seems to work very well for catching most criminals aside from terrorists at airports.

Yes, Comrade Opiate- you may be onto something... Ah... wait.. yes, here it is:
Just as I suspected and feared. The dots are connecting My Friends™(McCain all rights reserved). Between Palin, Cuthulu, the emergence of bat people, the arcane definition of the physical manifestation vitriol and rethuglican obsession with the occult something sinister is on the horizon. But what? And how do we stop it or harness it for political gain!?

I also have no idea how to resize my images!

The whole universe seems ready to rip at the seams! A NIGHTMARE, ANTHROPOID, MORBID ABOMINATION of CONSERVATIVE WRATH could swallow up the world at any minute! Alert the Sunday talk shows! Get me on with that gimp, Gregory! He'll know what to do!

Comrade INGSOC, you are obviously suffering from severe paranoia. That is a quality I admire. Keep up the good work.



To re-size images, a technique that works for me is to edit the image with MS Paint. When it opens, click at the top menu bar IMAGE and click on Stretch/Skew underneath that. A dialog box will open up. If you change the Horizontal and Verical values under Stretch in that box (e.g. from 100% to 50%) and click OK, it'll shrink the image. (This could also be used to enlarge a small picture although the quality gets grainy if you make it too big.) You can do this more than once if the image is still too big. Once it gets to the size you want, click on the FILE on the top menu bar and save the shrunken image - I usually use the SAVE AS under FILE to save the result under a different name than the original if I don't want to change the original image.

There could be better ways to do this but this is the one I use. MS Paint comes as part of every Windows OS so it should be on every Wintel machine. If you're using Macs, I have no clue about those.

You could also bribe me for a bottle of beet vodka, but in that case, shrinking the image would have made it unreadable and cropping was out of the question, so I let it pass.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:You could also bribe me for a bottle of beet vodka, but in that case, shrinking the image would have made it unreadable and cropping was out of the question, so I let it pass.

I am prog genius. Behold!