- Socialism, Comrades, is something much more than paeans to Marx or the careful display of fine posters bearing Lenin's image. Socialism for us is good theatre -- it is the parading of victims, puppet-shows at protest, Italian-heeled NLG agitators, Southern Poverty Law Center denunciations, and of course the occasional trips to glittery New York cocktail parties or VIP soirees in the trendiest of Hollywood clubs.

- Socialism for us is a lifestyle -- a jet-setting lifestyle -- of glitzy, glamorous guilt where we sing odes to suffering Africans while snorting coke off the bare ass of the groupie of our choosing. American Socialism is sweet, Comrades; sweet in its depravity, utter hypocrisy, and absolute total control over the individual.

- Just imagine how good we really have it here in America. Here we live in a land where people will self-censor themselves out of fear of being labeled with the scarlet R of racism. Here we live in a land where our media will throw around McCarthyism (our invented word, mind you) as an evil beyond all other evils all the while broadcasting Don Imus's self-flagellation before the very Reverend Al Sharpton. What a great country we live in where the string of words "nappy-headed ho" is broadcasted on the Children's I-Pods by their favorite hip-hop artist, but at the same time Lenin forbid if one of those Children of the wrong shade would to utter those words in the wrong context. We are the gatekeepers in a land where there are no real visible gates. In American Socialism there are no jackbooted guards, barbwire fences, or the occasional disappearance of a friend of loved one.

- No, in our American Socialism there are hungry trial lawyers, admission committees, sensitivity seminars and media harassment. Say something bad about our sacred cows like Michelle Obama and just you tune into primetime programming on MSNBC to be dressed down by the like of Chris Matthews or Rachel Maddow. Don't want to apologize for knocking our sacred cow? Well, just flip through the New York Times and you will find Frank Rich red-faced in rage as he slams what once was your good name, you troglodyte! We live in a wonderful land where the emperor roams about naked without fear of being called out -- and why would he, the children are too busy in pre-K learning about proper condom usage?


- Comrades, I am saddened that so many of you hold on to the old religion while ignoring the much sleeker, newer and total religion. A religion that doesn't require collective beet farms, local Party committees and the like. Our new religion is savvier, instant, and complete. Who needs a criticism session at the local Party HQ when it can be easily done on Facebook? Why, say the wrong thing and have your more enlightened peers on Facebook put the screws to you and your puny beliefs -- peer-pressure, Comrades, has always been our best tool. Lenin forbid if I am de-friended for straying from the current truth! Join the wrong club or advocate the wrong cause? Ha, don't place it on a college application! And if you are so lucky into getting into a good university it would be most wise to develop your progressive hook early on and learn to tow the Party line -- that or develop some exotic sexual habit that melds with your community service of helping violent criminals apply for government aid.

- Honestly, our Socialism is awesome. I can shake down a struggling middle-class family in fly-over country one hour and be throwing back overpriced cocktails in a velvet-draped L.A. eatery the next hour. I can wax-poetic about the Party's commitment to fairness, democracy and the common man one second and then meet behind closed doors as a Super Delegate the next second. I can be both rich and downtrodden, compassionate and ruthless -- and there are suckers out there to foot the bill. And that is what makes it work, Comrades -- the suckers. Some suckers are looking for a handout while other suckers are looking for a backstage pass to rub elbows with us the elect.

- We are a Party that transcends the gulags of old, the ration cards and the glib pre-fabricated housing blocks. Our Party is all about the gulag of the mind, the food-stamp debit card and the glitzy condos made easy by our dear Auntie FANNIE and Uncle FREDDIE. Our Party ensures that pedophiles receive sexual stimulates on the tax-payer dime; that no child will have to be an unwanted child; and that war-efforts are a half-assed war effort because, honestly, we are really just there to extend the trough regardless of how much worthless American blood we expend in the process. By my enlightened reasoning, Ahmed will love us when we trade him his RPG for a newly-minted food stamp debit card.

- We are a Party of thinkers, Comrades, who knows what is best in every conceivable situation. We are a Party made up of tireless technocrats ready to micro-manage your existence for the Common Good, no less. We have brilliant minds in the noble art of nannyism ready to tax your unhealthy eating habits while subsidizing your tots manipulation of a banana and a condom. We know what is best by virtue of birth, connections, and credentials. You can be born a rich man and still be a member of the Party -- that is how far we come, Comrades, because we do not judge by a man's color, creed or background. No, we judge by just how green his money is and how much of it we can appropriate for the Common Good. We love the kulak so long as the kulak loves us, needs us, and supports us through thick and thin. What is good for the Party is whatever keeps us fat, happy, and our pockets flush with other people's time, effort and sweat.

- Comrades, this is my American Socialism and your American Socialism. Leave the beet picking to some poor sap in North Korea and instead take from North Korea their adoration for Party, Progress and the Dear Leader. Leave the glib pre-fab housing blocks of the former Eastern Bloc and instead take up easy government-backed loans for that new ultra-modern beach house. Give up the criticism session in some rundown shack adorned with Party paraphernalia and instead turn to such venues as Facebook and Journolist as your source of peer-regulated goodthink.

- Throw down your copy of the glorious manifesto which we all already know by heart and instead follow the glossy pages of US Weekly, People and Newsweek -- all the re-education and proper thoughts will be illuminated to you through these picture-laden periodicals. Accept the new religion, Comrades, and embrace the greed which is good -- greed for a noble cause. And any and all causes of noble nature is the Party's cause. Look into your bleeding heart and summon your inner Punchenko. There is a sucker out there working for all us, Comrades! For all of us! Yes, Comrades -- our shining path is indeed a carpet, a red carpet, and one roped off to allow only the chosen select few to reap the benefits.

Most glorious is our American Socialism. Where the others have failed after a Century of trying to socialize the People, we shall succeed. Have not we taken over the pubic Schools, Hollywood, bias mainstream Media, TV and all other means of Thought? Are not the PC Geheime Staatspolizei even ready to villianize those who think for themselves. Most equal Chairman may your vodka rations be increased!

---

Proletarier aller Länder, Sie fehlinformieren!
Workers of all Lands, Be misinforming!

Most equal manifesto of Amerikkkan Socialism.

So such 'new religion' you are of speaking must of course be Progressive Islam, no? Because so soon Sharia will come to all.

Comrade Chairman, I am ashamed. I have been so wrapped up in "Hope" and "Change", and supporting the boycott of Israeli made products in the Olympia Food Co-Op, that I have strayed from the One True Path.

I haven't executed any dissidents in a week, kicked down doors looking for black market goods, taken any bribes, or even asked for a kickback. Hell, I haven't even worn a pair of decadent Western blue jeans, while demanding the youth wear proper revolutionary clothing. I will work harder, or better still, I will have someone else work harder to make sure that I uphold our glorious socialist revolution.

Colonel 7.62 wrote: I will work harder, or better still, I will have someone else work harder to make sure that I uphold our glorious socialist revolution.

Already I feel my presence is renewing a sense of communal corruption around here.

By the way Comrade, you really aren't attached to that Zil parked in front of your house are you?

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:

RedCarpet.jpg

Look into your bleeding heart and summon your inner Punchenko. There is a sucker out there working for all us, Comrades! For all of us! Yes, Comrades -- our shining path is indeed a carpet, a red carpet, and one roped off to allow only the chosen select few to reap the benefits.

Chairman Meow, I wept with joy when I read your call to charms. Having grown up under Mao's little Red Book, the communal rituals of struggle sessions and collective farms is a hard habit to break. There's just something about smashing in a door in the middle of the night and hauling the frightened proles out for a good beating that is hard to resist.

However, as I only live to serve the Party, I embrace this teaching with a boa's grip. We will have the preppy, trendy, yuppie scum toiling for US, for US! BUH-WAHAHAHAHA!

General Mousey-Tongue wrote: There's just something about smashing in a door in the middle of the night and hauling the frightened proles out for a good beating that is hard to resist.

I agree, old habits are hard to break. Simply misappropriating OPM isn't as gratifying somehow. The exercise of power is being able to send men with guns to take away those who refuse to comply. Better yet is being one of the men with guns, seeing the fear in your enemy's eyes, hearing their children cry and their wife's laments as you take them away in the middle of the night.

(Ah, good times, good times indeed)

Comrade Whoopie wrote:

General Mousey-Tongue wrote: There's just something about smashing in a door in the middle of the night and hauling the frightened proles out for a good beating that is hard to resist.

I agree, old habits are hard to break. Simply misappropriating OPM isn't as gratifying somehow. The exercise of power is being able to send men with guns to take away those who refuse to comply. Better yet is being one of the men with guns, seeing the fear in your enemy's eyes, hearing their children cry and their wife's laments as you take them away in the middle of the night.

(Ah, good times, good times indeed)

They were heady days indeed, Comrade Whoopie! Our younger comrades don't fully understand the addictive power of the dark side...