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White House Releases 2010 Crisis Calendar

1/16/2010, 12:49 am
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In an effort to streamline government and coordinate Democratic Party efforts in the coming year, the White House Friday released the Crisis Calendar for 2010, detailing the World-ending hurdles that only stalwart government action can avert. These events will be used to drive increased legislative oversight of the body politic and justify the passage of numerous bills without reading or, for that matter, even requiring a majority vote in either house of Congress.

In February, the nation will receive a dire warning from the Department of Agriculture that without an injection of federal funds, the National Soil Bank will collapse within 72 hours. Congress will earmark $634 billion for an immediate bailout of the Soil Bank, without actually inquiring as to what it is. Funding will be provided by a special "fee" on all non-union agricultural labor.

March will see the Centers for Disease Control issue a warning of an impending "Racoon Flu" epidemic unless immediate action is taken in the form of payments to Third World Nations to facilitate racoon extermination.

Rising Church attendance on the first Sunday in April will prompt Homeland Security chief Napolitano to raise the terrorist threat level to "Burnt Umber" in anticipation of Christian Fundamentalist terror attacks.

May: Killer pollen scare in Iowa. Government scientists posit link to Fox News satellite broadcasts as likely cause, call for immediate increase in research grants from Congress.

June: House pet healthcare crisis as research reveals that most pets are either underinsured or uninsured. Congress to enact 3,572-page "National Pet-in-Peril" Bill, nationalizing the veterinary industry.

July: IPCC to issue crisis alert as temperatures in the northern hemisphere continue their three-month rise. Cap and Trade bill moved to Congressional front burner.

August: Ozone layer depletion linked to teen depression in Harvard study. Cattle, Auto, and Cosmetic industries to bear primary blame.

September: Excess ozone levels blamed for low test scores for inner city students. Emergency infusion of government cash to teachers unions to combat problem.

October: All problems proclaimed solved or blamed on Republicans in preparation for November elections.

November: Hummingbirds deemed at risk due to college football after tragic third-quarter incident at Texas Christian University. Government to take control of all college athletics. All church-affiliated schools to be placed under government supervision.

December: Government study calls for ban on candy canes as sexist.
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1/16/2010, 1:17 am
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I am so glad the government is finally doing something about real problems instead of worrying about whether or not Nigerians wear underwear while flying on airplanes. This calendar will be very useful in organizing spontaneous demonstrations to demand immediate action in averting the unexpected near-disasters that the Party has fabricated anticipated. It will also be helpful to the media to have time to prepare their breaking news stories that will reveal the unfolding crises to the gullible frightened public. Never let a orchestrated good crisis go to waste!
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1/16/2010, 3:56 am
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I think November should be declared "National Crisis Month". In fact, I declare November "National Crisis Month". 2010 shall be the "Year of the Crisis", and 2011 will be "The year that never would have happened if Obama hadn't saved us all"
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1/16/2010, 9:34 am
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Glorious work Comrade,

but do you think a one year crisis calendar is progressive enough? Wouldn't a five year crisis calendar be more appropriate?
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1/16/2010, 2:27 pm
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Our wonderful magnifico Comrade is working so hard, so make us the country he wants us to be! Loved by the world; salt and sugar free and no nasty racoon flu! Nirvana is drawing nigh!
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1/16/2010, 11:00 pm
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Oh. My. God. A <i>hummingbird</i> crisis?
Be still my beating heart. What will we do with a hummingbird crisis?

I'm just getting over the dead cockroach in my kitchen. I turned on the light and saw a roach, which did not run from the light. I peered closely at it and it looked for all the world like Nanski. I was dumbfounded. How had Nanski gotten into the house when I'd locked it up tight?

But I saw after all that it was a normal dead roach. Still, we need at least $100 billion to avert a national dead-cockroach crisis, which would affect the Democrats' ability to pass bills in Congress.

If all the roaches in the world died, what would Taxachusetts do without Bonnie Frank? What would New York do without Chuckie Schumer? What would Nevada do without Harry Reid? And most of all, how would all the male roaches get off without Senator Boxer?
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1/17/2010, 1:46 pm
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I am furious about this Haiti thing. They stole our crisis, dammit. We needed that crisis, too. We were saving up for it. We were counting on it. We were biding our time, until it came, and then, pow, it went to Haiti. Now what? It's lowered the value of a crisis for us. It's the mother of all crisis's. It's the end all of all crisis's. Foiled! Foiled, again!
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1/17/2010, 9:39 pm
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Holy People's Tasty CremeTM but has no one noticed this calendar neglected January???? Thus we are not prepared for the CRISIS in Taxachusettes: Martha's seat is in jeopardy! How did this happen? What are those political appointees on the calendar commission DOING down there? If we cannot solve this problem, HOPE AND CHANGE WILL DISAPPEAR FOREVER!

DAMMIT, THIS IS A REAL CRISIS!!!!!
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1/17/2010, 11:05 pm
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Image I am nearly shitting myself with laughter over the panic in Taxachusetts. I saw the Demothieves issued a flyer which said that Brown voted to state that the 1500 women who had been raped in Tax achusetts should be turned away from a hospital. It is the single most scurrilous attack since that blood libel that Jews eat Christian babies. I admit that one takes the cake, but this is awful too.

And the best thing is that His O'liness is flying there. If Coakley loses, it will further scrape some of the shine off Blobama. If she wins, it will be no more than a reprieve.

And in Texas the Attorney General is preparing to file a lawsuit against the feds over Obamacare. Other AGs are too.
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1/17/2010, 11:45 pm
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I think it's a crisis that the Haitian crisis didn't happened during negro history month. That could've been a teachable moment. The looting, the murders, rapes. Call it cultural awareness.
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1/18/2010, 12:04 am
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Yes, this is an inconvenience crisis. It's especially stinging, since we shot our wad with the stimulus package, only to have 10+ unemployment, now, and lower tax revenues. And, damned if we weren't stupid to criticize the Bushitler for nation building when it's just what we are about to do with Haiti.
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1/18/2010, 3:18 am
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Clearly Haiti is Bush's fault.

If Bush hadn't started all these wars, then we would have more military resources to send to hati even faster, and then with just a wave of the Obamessiah's hand everything would have been fixed in Haiti.

Although some say if the Haitians hadn't made a pact with Dick Cheney, the earthquake wouldn't have happened, and others would have you believe that earthquakes are racist.

The real truth is Dick Cheney has a natural disaster machine and he keeps pointing it at Haiti.
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1/18/2010, 9:43 pm
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Colonel 7.62, you must go back in time and change the past and save our senate seat and ObamaCare. Maybe you can go back to last week and make sure Marcia knows who Curt Schilling played for. Maybe you can give her a nice pair of gloves so she can shake hands in front of Fenway Park. Maybe you can go back to the December primary and get the Party to pick a more dynamic candidate than Marcia, maybe like a bowl of oatmeal or something. If all else fails, try going back to last summer and keeping Teddy alive for a few more months; promise him a bottle of Dewars if you have to. SOMETHING!

Colonel, you may be our last hope. If you can't do it, nobody can. Go into the past and come back with Ted's seat or under it.
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1/18/2010, 10:21 pm
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Opiate, it brings a tear to this old socialist's heart to hear you channeling a Roman mother. But don't you think that being under Teddy's seat has been retired, just like some numbers on baseball teams? Forever and a day the position of being under Teddy's seat will be held by--who else?--Teddy.

Funny that you should mention Dewar's. I have been having visions of Teddy's head being frozen, cryogenically, in a huge Dewar flask. It's the biggest one ever made, of course, and the liquid nitrogen required to keep him frozen will require the energy to light up Boston, but still, for a Kennedy we'll do everything.

7.62, since you are the Commissar of Time, I charge you with going back to 1980 and making sure that James Earl Carter won that election instead of Ronald Raygun. If Carter had won that election, the country would have been entirely immerded and immiserated. We would never have been (falsely) proud of America. We would never have doubled our national wealth. Blacks would not have benefited most of all. And foreigners would have been able to shit on America for 28 years more than at present.

There would be no fighting against President Awesome, for we would all be at jobs 80 hours a week, doing three hours' work, drinking ourself cirrhotic, with decreasing lifespans, while that goober grabber with a smile like a raccoon picking fish guts out of a steel-wire brush would be on every post office wall.
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1/19/2010, 12:55 am
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Commissar Theocritus wrote:There would be no fighting against President Awesome, for we would all be at jobs 80 hours a week, doing three hours' work, drinking ourself cirrhotic, with decreasing lifespans, while that goober grabber with a smile like a raccoon picking fish guts out of a steel-wire brush would be on every post office wall.

Comrade Theocritus,

I see you've been watching those redneck comedians again. Hmm. I wonder how things would be had the Many Titted Empress won the election. I suspect we'd all be single payers, and ten percent of all businesses would now be bankrupt.

In her own words, when asked about the hardship her health care plan would bring on small businesses: "I can't go out and save every undercapitalizedentrepreneur in America."
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1/19/2010, 1:13 am
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Yes, indeed, our Many Titted Empress did say that. And I still love her just as much as I did before. But there is one thing to be said for our MTE. I can't see her bowing to foreign leaders. That gal wants the brass ring and she knows that the biggest and brightest brass ring is the American brass ring and she would have seen that it was kept shiny.
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1/20/2010, 7:59 pm
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Ivan Betinov wrote:Rising Church attendance on the first Sunday in April will prompt Homeland Security chief Napolitano to raise the terrorist threat level to "Burnt Umber" in anticipation of Christian Fundamentalist terror attacks.
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Blast! Compromised! Betinov, that was supposed to be a secret.
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