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Volcano Releases One Trillion Cow Farts Into Atmosphere

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On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored global warming climate change study revealed.

"In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?"

The IPCF, a UN-sponsored organization tasked to evaluate the insoluble problem that threatens to end their careers, is not easily swayed by just one volcano eruption.

"Contrary to what our member states may think," said IPCC Chairman, "the success of our scientific body is measured not by the amount of released cow farts we can report in the end of each year. No, our success as a United Nations agency is measured by decreases in the production of food, decline of industries, lowered living standards, reduced life expectancy, and a complete halt of economic development in the poorest nations."The IPCF does not carry out research, nor does it monitor cow farts. The main activity of the IPCF is publishing special reports on topics relevant to cow farts, in order to raise awareness about the potentially catastrophic effects of industrial development, self-reliance, and capitalist prosperity on the existence of various intergovernmental panels within the framework of the United Nations.

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The UN already had a climate agency dedicated to capping the catastrophic spread of technology and free enterprise when scientists discovered that cow farts presented an even greater danger to life on earth than man-made machines. It was only logical that the UN urgently created a new authoritative agency dedicated to capping cow farts and other related phenomena that posed a threat to the survival of the United Nations.
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"It takes more than a volcano to stop our opposition to the threat presented by industrial production and free markets to the ideas of global government and central planning," said Mr. Pachauri. "If we don't act soon, my children may never be able to chair an intergovernmental panel, control the economy, and distribute production quotas. The hardest hit will be Third-World dictatorships that are contributing disproportionately more money to our members and their families. So it isn't just our fight. The stand against economic development and free enterprise has become an urgent global issue - a moral issue if you will - that affects the physical survival of all endangered intergovernmental agencies."

The IPCF conference concluded its work on an optimistic note, resolving that in order to compensate for all past and future volcano eruptions, the UN must push for even stricter limits on all industries and redouble taxes on developed nations.

A separate chapter calls for a special volcano tax on the worst offenders starting with Chile - with a footnote explaining that if the Chileans hadn't disposed of the Marxist regime of Salvatore Allende in 1971, the whole issue could've been avoided because they wouldn't be anywhere near the list of developed nations today.

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Environmental dissident: If you believe that our planet is a self-aware living organism with a superior god-like consciousness, why is it so hard to imagine that Mother Earth is intentionally producing greenhouse gases for its own obscure purposes, and your emission caps are getting in the way? See what you've done? Now Mother Earth had to erupt a f**king volcano to compensate for the drop in f**king cow farts.
National and international bodies generally regard the IPCF as authoritative, and its reports are widely cited in almost any debate related to cow farts. But the biggest achievement of the IPCF has become an international acceptance of the Cow Fart Unit, or CFU, which has become a universal standard in measuring air quality and pollution, as well as commercially distributed carbon credits.

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Outstanding as usual! But Comrade Cube, I am not sure what to do. As you know, I am more equal than most when it comes to loyalty to the Party, but on what side should I be on? Pro cow fart or anti cow fart? I sort of lean to the progressive dissident that felt this recent volcanic eruption, unauthorized though it was, was but the entirely understandable response of a self-aware planet earth to the efforts to stem cow farts.

It should be clear to all Progressive People that Chile needs to purchase mega-credits under the International Bait and Swi...er, Cap and Trade cow fart offset program, whereby enough Africans will commit suicide to make up for Chile's extremely selfish volcano emissions. Or maybe Al Gore could turn his pool thermostat down to 78 degrees.


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I am feeling very guilty comrades, after reading this from the link above...

It's amazing how “global warming” keeps absorbing more power and wipes out more people as it grows. What is really being said over and over again is that WE are the evil power behind everything because of the amount of emissions we and our cars produce. Being alive will soon be a hate crime! Global warming seems to be the holding tank that steals and mutes any definition of TRUE EVIL and TRUTH.


Comrades,

I'm ready to do my part to lower the emissions of these insidious bovines. I will concentrate my efforts to turning a Standard CFU into a Human equivalent emission.
First, I'll consume some Ribeye steaks, some New York steaks, some ribs and make some tasty meatballs for Commissar Pupovich. Then, I'll have a BBQ with some briskets and roasts. Beef, it's what's for dinner!!

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Human equivalent emission = HEE.
Can you say hee-hee?

Anonymous
One man's volcanic eruption is another man's cinder pit.
One cow's fart is another cow's excuse to cross the road.
One man's MAD (Methane Awareness Disorder; see Gore, Albert) is another man's lucrative growth industry.

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...Global warming may be the Mother Land's greatest threat...with out the Russian winter the Nazi war machine would be fueled by our Siberian oil...

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I understand that progressives within the PRC have been studying the capture and distillation of cow emissions for many years. I believe Dr. Chai Lah Teh of the People's Institute of Scientific Study (PISS) has been at the forefront (or should I say behind) the best research done so far.

Where is Comrade Mousey-Tongue, he is Dr. Teh's nephew. Perhaps he can shed light on their progress?

w
Every comrade knows Chile makes you fart. How do we know it was one trillion cows and not just one too many algore speeches?

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Did someone say "Human equivalent emission"? Reuters agrees. Some comrades are already measuring Global warming in human farts, and Reuters, as usual, is on the forefront of reporting this progress. See this morning's dispatch of the current truth.

Obesity seen contributing to global warming

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Reuters wrote:GENEVA (Reuters) - Obesity contributes to global warming, too.

Obese and overweight people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat, and the problem will worsen as the population literally swells in size, a team at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine says.

This adds to food shortages and higher energy prices, the school's researchers Phil Edwards and Ian Roberts wrote in the journal Lancet on Friday.

"We are all becoming heavier and it is a global responsibility," Edwards said in a telephone interview. "Obesity is a key part of the big picture."
The most important part of it is that THIS IS NOT A PARODY! Someone is making money off reporting this.

How many volcanic eruptions does it take to show the global warming activists that counting beans is not worth it? None. Because the issue is not the issue - the revolution is the issue. Many roads lead to the revolution, and wallowing in human and cow farts is one of them.

Indeed, one man's Reuters is another man's toilet paper.

Does life imitate the People's Cube or what?

Maybe Comrade Pupovich should cut back on the party's monthly ration of Beans and Broccoli. Is Al Gore buying more carbon credits when he farts?

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Ted State wrote:Maybe Comrade Pupovich should cut back on the party's monthly ration of Beans and Broccoli. Is Al Gore buying more carbon credits when he farts?

True, comrade Ted. It has become so bad, a hazmat team must accompany the Commissar on his travels to protect the public from hazardous methane emissions. This costs the Party in resources, and the presence of the team absorbing his carbon footprint wherever he 'goes' is not a good image for advancing the party's progressive standing. Perhaps the commissar should eat more roughage? I highly recommend carrots.

Above all, we must raise awareness of this issue, particulary among fat slobs obese people:

One man's burrito is another man's biohazard waiting to happen.
One dog's chili is another dog's pile to sniff.
One party's problem is another party's opportunity.

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Comrades, TedState and "Mr Skipperdoo".... as you would know had you paid attention in the KMRC, I sell carbon credits based on my progressive dedication to cutting back on bean consumption. So, all one do is buy credits from me, and I will take care of your carbon usage induced guilt.

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I lifted my head up from my beet farm this morning and am dismayed to find the absence of hatred and discontent aimed at President George Bush?

While everybody knows Bush is the individual responsible for all world calamities ... why hasn't the pitchforks and lip flapping started?

Why has no one yet blamed Bush for the Chilean volcano, the Burma cyclone or the earthquake in China?

Something should be done before we get to 3 Kyotos!!!!

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Obviously your head has been buried quite deep, Navigator, for I (who else?) am already way ahead of you on the Bush Factor:

https://thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=1913<br>
Scroll down to the bottom. I've already identified him as the evil mastermind behind the Chinese earthquake and subsequent murder of Comrade Mousey-Tongue for having a relationship with a Muslim, specifically a Persian cat.

And the Empress still has not emerged from her bunker to comfort the grieving masses, for Mousey-Tongue was much-loved by The People.

He was, if I might paraphrase the turncoat Tony Blair, truly The People's Cat.

FXR
Examining UN agencies and their actual value in the global picture, we find a new truth previously not considered. An aid and justification for a pursuit of a political career, while others complain about the odorous personality required.

Bullshit is always carbon neutral.

Al Gore is a god. [Best kept at a safe distance if you smoke.]

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This just in

Comrades,

This diligent revolutionary is carefully documenting all the different evil which is caused by global warming (which is caused by evil capitalism)...with this comprehensive list here<br>
It's a perfect tool for dealing with deniers- if they refute a particular AGW claim, just move on to the next one and cause them to give up from bamboozlement (or extreme boredom). With diligence like this, it will become impossible NOT to prove that Global Warming is evil.

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Beelzebob Brown wrote:[...]This diligent revolutionary is carefully documenting all the different evil which is caused by global warming (which is caused by evil capitalism)...with this comprehensive list here[...]
Oh my Algore! The Loch Ness Monster was done in by Global Warming! What next, the Yeti and the Bunyip?

Comrade Kalashnikov, be at ease! The next to be done in by Global Warming will be the chupacabra. We in the Collective Society of Actuaries have determined that the Yeti is safe until May 1, 2010, when they will all suddenly melt, contributing to record flooding in the Himalayas. So save up your rubles now for the big relief effort to come -- or buy up some Starka vodka and enjoy the Party.

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I have just returned from a fact-finding mission deep within the stricken provinces of Mother China. This earthquake, and the Myanmar typhoon, are clearly the work of the criminal kittykiller Bush. The ravages of global warming will kill all life on earth unless he is stopped now. He must stand before the world to face justice for his crimes against humanity and kittenhood!

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Did I miss anything while I was gone, comrades?


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Thank you for your concern, Premier! I had some MuShu Pork last Thursday that caused minor digestive distress, but I am otherwise fine.

How are you?

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Good to see that the reports of your untimely demise are, just that, untimely & unseemly

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I'm uh... fine....

[out corner of mouth]

(What's with all those pictures of his dead body? What's going on here?)

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Commissar L.R. Star wrote:Good to see that the reports of your untimely demise are, just that, untimely & unseemly

Thank you, Commissar LoneRedStar! As you can see, reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

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MOUSEY-TONGUE!!!

You're alive! You came back!

You damn cat! I'd smack you with my shovel if I weren't worried about PETA making a big stink out of it. We thought you were dead! Have you any idea of the trouble you've caused, when all this time you were obviously on some bender with that fluffy Persian floozy?

And here I got Elton John to sing "Honky Cat" at your funeral, with all new lyrics I wrote myself. Now what am I supposed to do with all these millions of CD's that people were going to make a stampede for, like they were tickets to an Obama rally?

Have you any idea of how my faith in the Empress has been shaken? For the past week, as the People mourned your passing, not once did she emerge from her bunker to offer us words of comfort in our time of grief. Now I'm totally disillusioned with the antiquated institution she represents, and I find myself longing for hope . . . and change . . .


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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:MOUSEY-TONGUE!!!

You're alive! You came back!

You damn cat! I'd smack you with my shovel if I weren't worried about PETA making a big stink out of it. We thought you were dead! Have you any idea of the trouble you've caused, when all this time you were obviously on some bender with that fluffy Persian floozy?

And here I got Elton John to sing "Honky Cat" at your funeral, with all new lyrics I wrote myself. Now what am I supposed to do with all these millions of CD's that people were going to make a stampede for, like they were tickets to an Obama rally?

Have you any idea of how my faith in the Empress has been shaken? For the past week, as the People mourned your passing, not once did she emerge from her bunker to offer us words of comfort in our time of grief. Now I'm totally disillusioned with the antiquated institution she represents, and I find myself longing for hope . . . and change . . .

Commissarka Pinkie! I am most honored!

I apoligize if I caused anyone concern...I was on a fact-finding mission in the stricken regions of Mother China for days without radio or cellphone communication. I could not even establish a command and control uplink to our MTE! To come back from that carnage to find the collective in such turmoil has confirmed my suspicions that there are enemy agents apaw here!
I will buy a case of the 'Honky Cat' CDs, just put them on my Kollektive Kard.

Never in my fluffiest, wildest dreams - well maybe my wildest - did I imagine that I would shack up with a Persian mistress. And my being deceased? May Mao's ghost despoil the horticulture of this vile perpetrator for generations to come! It's Bushitler! He can even reach us in our own Cube!

(calms down, takes a deep breath and a long sip of Tsingtao)

Regarding the Hope/Rope-A-Dope-For-Change: remember, my Kommissarka, our Empress is always at her best when times are worst. She is even now plotting her comeback with boldness and strength. She is not in hiding, she is coiling for the pounce! I have it from highly placed sources she is now flying backwards on her broom. Have another glass of vodka, and hope in the perennial hope of Next Tuesday!

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You just have to follow the links, comrades. It IS all Bush's fault:

FACT: Hot air rises.

FACT: Hot air rises because it is lighter than cold air.

FACT: Since hot air is lighter than cold air, there is not as much weight pressing down on the Earth's crust (This is CONSENSUS and may not be questioned or subjected to experimentation.)

FACT: Because there is as not as much weight pressing down on the Earth, volcanic eruptions have become more common.

FACT: George Bush has consistantly refused to lower carbon emissions and has yet to sign the Kyoto protocol because he hates your children and polar bears and wants them to die. (Do not be fooled by any news stories you may have seen in which the "president" (the sneer quotes are there because be all know he stole the election from Al Gore so he could kill the planet with Global Warming) supposedly acknowledges the reality of Global Warming. Those are lies perpetrated by the Rupert Murdoch-controlled mainstream media, who are nothing but shills for the Bush/Cheney/Haliburton cabal.)

THUS, FACT: The recent volcanic eruption was caused ON PURPOSE by George Bush.

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Commissar L.R. Star wrote:Good to see that the reports of your untimely demise are, just that, untimely & unseemly

Congratulations on your recent promotion, Commissar!

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Ivan Betinov wrote:You just have to follow the links, comrades. It IS all Bush's fault:

FACT: Hot air rises.

FACT: Hot air rises because it is lighter than cold air.

FACT: Since hot air is lighter than cold air, there is not as much weight pressing down on the Earth's crust (This is CONSENSUS and may not be questioned or subjected to experimentation.)

FACT: Because there is as not as much weight pressing down on the Earth, volcanic eruptions have become more common.

FACT: George Bush has consistantly refused to lower carbon emissions and has yet to sign the Kyoto protocol because he hates your children and polar bears and wants them to die. (Do not be fooled by any news stories you may have seen in which the "president" (the sneer quotes are there because be all know he stole the election from Al Gore so he could kill the planet with Global Warming) supposedly acknowledges the reality of Global Warming. Those are lies perpetrated by the Rupert Murdoch-controlled mainstream media, who are nothing but shills for the Bush/Cheney/Haliburton cabal.)

THUS, FACT: The recent volcanic eruption was caused ON PURPOSE by George Bush.

Does my heart good, knowing that we can find a way to blame Bush for something like volcano eruptions. Who would have though.

Er.. komrades, shouldn't 1,000 farts be equal to 1 Kilofart, not 1 Megafart?
Likewise, 1,000,000 farts = 1 Megafart, am I correct, er.. korrect?

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I'm not good enough at math to make a decision. That's what the party does for me.

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Apparently Comrade Polkovnik X has not done enough sensitivity training yet to see that all numbers are equal. Perhaps a refresher course on PeopleMath™ will do the trick.

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Polkovnik X wrote:Er.. komrades, shouldn't 1,000 farts be equal to 1 Kilofart, not 1 Megafart?
Likewise, 1,000,000 farts = 1 Megafart, am I correct, er.. korrect?

You have a good technical point but I rather like the idea of linking volcanic eruptions to cow farts without regard to the accuracy of the unit of measure.

Frankly, I'm concerned we having been unable to view much news about the volcano eruption ever since The PCube™ made the politically incorrect cow fart to volcano link.

What else could we link to cow farts?

WA DC?
Welfare?
Illegal immigration?
Public schools?
Obtaining a building permit?
Getting a ticket for driving without a seat belt?

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:Apparently Comrade Polkovnik X has not done enough sensitivity training yet to see that all numbers are equal. Perhaps a refresher course on PeopleMath™ will do the trick.
I humbly bow before the wisdom of The Party. Of course, everything is equal. That must have been some sort of dark kapitalist power whispering into my ear, trying to seduce me. May The Party forgive me..


Anonymous
Does anyone have the status of the People's Personal Methane Reclamation System that we are anxious to install up here to power the Gulag next winter?

We will be using Political Re-Education Camp inmates to test the power output, but we expect to remove the Capitalist Pig Dam at Bonneville sometime later this year, depending on how many watts the Camp Inmates can generate, especially on a nutricious grass soup diet...

Truly, Power to the Peoples...

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Does anyone have the status of the People's Personal Methane Reclamation System that we are anxious to install up here to power the Gulag next winter?

Ah, the sweet smell of success!

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Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have the status of the People's Personal Methane Reclamation System that we are anxious to install up here to power the Gulag next winter?

We will be using Political Re-Education Camp inmates to test the power output, but we expect to remove the Capitalist Pig Dam at Bonneville sometime later this year, depending on how many watts the Camp Inmates can generate, especially on a nutricious grass soup diet...

Truly, Power to the Peoples...

Have you overlooked The People's Mobil Cow Fart Generator?
Image Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

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Premier Betty wrote:I believe this video has proof of the evil cow's exhaust.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFcZAoo4XnQ

Is that where they make the real imitation cheese?

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Mr. Skipperdoo wrote:Above all, we must raise awareness of this issue, particulary among fat slobs obese people:

"Obese people?!" What kind of body massist thought crime is this?! I'm sure what you meant to say was "persons of size."

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Dr. Strangelove wrote: Is that where they make the real imitation cheese?

No, but it's where I die a lot.

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This is exactly why we need Party regulations on the enviroment. If we regulated volcanoes, we could help reduce or even stop global warming. Join the fight comrades!

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You'd think if The Party can stop drilling off the coast of America for 25 years, legislating a volcano into extinction should be a walk in the park?

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Navigator wrote:You'd think if The Party can stop drilling off the coast of America for 25 years, legislating a volcano into extinction should be a walk in the park?

You'd think. . .

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Comrade_Elliott wrote:You'd think. . .

Don't do that, comrade. That could lead to a thought crime. Best to just let the Party do the thinking for you...

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Dr. Strangelove wrote:
Comrade_Elliott wrote:You'd think. . .

Don't do that, comrade. That could lead to a thought crime. Best to just let the Party do the thinking for you...

Thank you for this helpful tip Dr. Strangelove. I must reassert my alligence and mind to The Party.


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Comrade Direktor Red Square wrote:A separate chapter calls for a special volcano tax

This should be forced upon Taco Bell first because of the mass consumption of their "gut bomb" burritos!

--
ZB

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Ivan Betinov wrote:You just have to follow the links, comrades. It IS all Bush's fault:

FACT: Hot air rises.

FACT: Hot air rises because it is lighter than cold air.

FACT: Since hot air is lighter than cold air, there is not as much weight pressing down on the Earth's crust (This is CONSENSUS and may not be questioned or subjected to experimentation.)

FACT: Because there is as not as much weight pressing down on the Earth, volcanic eruptions have become more common.

FACT: George Bush has consistantly refused to lower carbon emissions and has yet to sign the Kyoto protocol because he hates your children and polar bears and wants them to die. (Do not be fooled by any news stories you may have seen in which the "president" (the sneer quotes are there because be all know he stole the election from Al Gore so he could kill the planet with Global Warming) supposedly acknowledges the reality of Global Warming. Those are lies perpetrated by the Rupert Murdoch-controlled mainstream media, who are nothing but shills for the Bush/Cheney/Haliburton cabal.)

THUS, FACT: The recent volcanic eruption was caused ON PURPOSE by George Bush.

This is the finest piece of liberal logic that I have seen in a long time! Comrade Betinov should be nominated for Hero of Socialist Intelligentsia. Just wait until we get this piece out to our useful idiots fellow travelers at NBC, CBS, CNN, and ABC!

--
ZB

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General Mousey-Tongue wrote:I have just returned from a fact-finding mission deep within the stricken provinces of Mother China. This earthquake, and the Myanmar typhoon, are clearly the work of the criminal kittykiller Bush. The ravages of global warming will kill all life on earth unless he is stopped now. He must stand before the world to face justice for his crimes against humanity and kittenhood!

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Did I miss anything while I was gone, comrades?

No, just a lot of whining and griping, Comrade Mousey Tongue. Some even griped about where you were.

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Are we allowed to remember the man from U.N.C.F.E.?

uncfe1.jpg

United Nations Cow Fart Enforcement

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Just thinking............

It being Earth Day and all, I was thinking about Mother Gaiea. We should change to
Mother Progaiea.

hed02.gif

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Celebrate Earth Day with a Lesbian romp in a cow pasture?

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Life continues to erase the line between reality and satire... This just in:

California regulates cow farts


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Dearest Comrades,

I have to admit that I have become smitten with Comrade Ocasio-Cortez because of her brilliance, boldness and embracement of the socialist agenda, not to mention she's a total hottie! When I see her laughing and baying she reminds me of my favorite mule Jenny with her wide eyes and generous overbite.

I applaud her effort to put and end to bovine flatulence, unscientifically referred to as “cow farts”, which has a scientifically proven significant impact on global warming. And if she could rid the skies of airplanes that would give my country, the Revolutionary Republic of San Marcos, an even playing field for the export of our national dish “sloth stew”, since we do not have airplanes.

I'm thinking of having my secret police investigate my current wife Ismarelda for possible crimes against the people, and if they find some I'm sure that I can have her executed so that I can offer Alexandria the First Lady's position, which is far more prestigious than that of a lowly American senator.

Viva La Revolicion


 
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