Headlines from the Year 2020

8/17/2008, 6:20 pm

Here are some headlines we can expect to see in the year 2020 if our society continues its glorious march to the People's Revolution:

Rev. Jeremiah Wright receives Nobel Peace Prize for trendsetting work in race relations
San Francisco city ordinance: Public display of heterosexual affection (by US citizens) punishable by $1000 fine
Michael Moore sweeps Oscars with his film Bin Laden Mon Amour
President Michelle Obama paroles all non-white convicts in America; “We must begin healing process,” she declares
Archbishop of Canterbury presides over first Muslim coronation ceremony
Secretary of State Pelosi featured on new 9-dollar bill
Supreme Court approves quotas for mentally-retarded applicants to PhD programs in the humanities
Army announces new “fair trade” rules of engagement: Enemy must be given equal weapons before fight begins
Mandatory 5-year prison term in Canada for Global Warming denial
Hamas nukes Copenhagen; UN condemns Israel
White House painted brown; West Wing renamed “Wing of all the Peoples”
First group of infants successfully undergo lung-reduction surgery to reduce carbon dioxide emissions
Tax credit of $10,000 offered to white males who sign up for voluntary sterilization
Development of squirrel-driven automobile engine halted by PETA protests
Last oil well in Texas goes dry; “A great moment for America” says Secretary of Energy
First gay marriage ceremony between gorillas performed in Amsterdam
Republican Party officials formally admit guilt for oppressing the masses; party disbanded

8/17/2008, 10:10 pm

Bounty on Rebel Leader Ted Nugent Doubled by Federal State Security Service

Des Moines Man Sentenced to Fifteen Years for Eating Meat; Judge Censured by Justice Department for Lenient Sentence

8/17/2008, 11:01 pm

Democrats remain opposed to off-shore oil drilling: "It'll be at least 10 years before anyone sees the benefits--which are only short term."

8/18/2008, 4:52 pm

-Berkely Mathematicians Prove Two and Two make Five!
-Secretary of Treasury Paul Krugman proves that Hunger is a state of mind!
-Secretary of (Re)Education Al Gore proves that 'knowledge' and 'wisdom' are crimethink!
-Eternal President Barack Obama declares Black History Century!
-All White Males required to display Green Dollar Sign on clothing at all times!
-

8/18/2008, 8:49 pm

We liked Pinkie's coment.
We will try not to leave any lice as we crawl thru her apartment.

Environmental Czar Al Gore claims record Polar Bear population blamed on Global Climate Change.

8/18/2008, 9:58 pm

All citizens required by federal mandate to chant Yes We Can over bowl of arugula each evening at sunset for 30 minutes. Violators fined and must submit to re-education program for a period of time not less than 15 years. (chains and hoses provided on site).

Statue of Liberty removed. Replaced by new Larger 'Statue of The One'. Crowds cheer and faint. (required under penalty of law)

8/19/2008, 1:04 am

Elections have been suspended indefintely, since the evil Republikkans have been reduced to a insignificant minority, and we can't really expect the People to have an accurate bead on The Common Good or the Current Truth anyway.

Publik Schools have been so successful at introducing the tenets of Communism to younger generations that they are being used as Cultural Rehabilitation Centers to hasten the arrival of Next Tuesday.

GWB's body was exhumed from the potter's field where he was buried last year behind a trailer park in Crawford, Texas. An autopsy confirmed suspicions that he was really an alien like the ones in Independence Day - in fact, close associates swear he starred in the epic movie and relished the irony.

8/19/2008, 5:11 pm

All firearms, explosive devices, baseball bats, knives, and toenail clippers have been confiscated by the glorious Peoples Security Forces. Now the re-education of the Infidels can begin!

8/19/2008, 5:16 pm

Opps? I forgot to log in, I'm new.

VIVA LA VIVA!!!!!!!

8/19/2008, 5:18 pm

Slogan on currency changed from "In God We Trust" to "Yes We Can".

President Obama warns Russians of impending cold war if they don't reform their evil capatalistic oppresive system and adopt a more enlightened one instead.

President Obama signs into law a new Freedom of Information act; which frees the peoples government from providing any information they don't wish to.

Ownership of all real property of white males is prohibited and all are ordered to electricity farms where they will power generators with stationary bicycles.

All heterosexual marriages must be interracial.

8/19/2008, 11:19 pm

- All Americans will carpool, Communist Cuba style: one comrade drives, the other five push
- Thanksgiving Day is replaced by May Day (i.e. a day you MAY get an egg to eat if the PETA protestors don't find out about it)
- No more capitalist Christmas, but kiddies will pray to Saint Obama for a shovel with his glorious image on it as their Kwanzaa gift
- heating bills will be lower in winter as 15 families crowded into a five room house tends to keep things warm
- did I say HOUSE?????

8/20/2008, 12:50 pm

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Democrats remain opposed to off-shore oil drilling: "It'll be at least 10 years before anyone sees the benefits--which are only short term."

Yes, a very pithy observation indeed, comrade. But, I believe I have heard it before, about 10 years ago maybe.... spoken by some fellow in an oval office who spent most of his time doing something with cigars.

8/20/2008, 3:13 pm

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...but not in this case.

8/24/2008, 12:31 pm

My fellow comrades,
I'm pleased to announce I have returned from my leave, you could say I was AWOL.
My purpose of my leave was to see a foreshadowing of the year 2020, so it's a funny coincidence this article and my future scoping were on the same year. Anyhow, I've found only a few of these bullets are true, I shall tell of what I saw:

Obama runs for a fourth term after succesfully passing legislation to shut-down the election all together. He does so by disbanding the Supreme Court.
All pets must be sterilized, with help from Bob Barker
Rush Limbaugh flees country after all conservative media is destroyed by the Obamasiah and the Fairness Doctrine, sources tell he's in an unknown location. Though he's stated he'd broadcast pirately, everyone knows he's rotting on an island.
Your note about the Ph D's for the retarded for humanitarian aid? Well they can get a Ph D in any field they so choose.
White people become a minority after two events: there was a mass breeding program set by the Obamasiah for all other minorities, and interniment camps were reestablished so as to keep the RethugliKKKans in check (Since the RethugliKKKan party is the White Man's Party)
Though the Obamasiah is the President, the U.N. has finally gained control of the world's powers.
Obama has united Canada, Mexico, Colombia, Brasil, Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Cuba to the United States to form the 57 states he was refering to in 2008.
Oprah caught in a sex-tape with Larry Flint.
Paris Hilton found dead, autopsy reports a hole in head caused air to leak (I kid on this one
People can only wear one color of cloths, gray, gray and more gray.
Blonde hair outlawed for fear of reflecting sunlight and blinding an innocent pedistrand, forced to dye hair dark brown
Cats and dogs live together
You were right about the whole heterosexuality beign outlawed in San Fransisco, except it's all of California.
In fact, California breaks from the US to become "The Peoples Inner State of California" or PISC
And last but not least due to equality standards, The Democratic Party changes its name to The Party and the Obamasiah is also known by names like: The Savior, The Redeemer, THE Black Je-man (since the name "Jesus", not to be confused with Jesús, was outlawed in 2013), and The Chosen.

8/25/2008, 1:19 am

Final recount of ballots in Florida of 2000 election proves that Al Gore was robbed of the election. Al Gore, who has not moved since 2010, was found to be really and truly dead.

8/25/2008, 8:36 pm

- Chief Justice Hillary Rodham (recently divorced from Attorney General Bill Clinton) wrote the majority opinion upholding the execution order on disgraced former Justice Clarence Thomas who is the first Supreme Court Justice forcibly removed from the chair, only to be chained to another - less comfortable one.

8/25/2008, 8:50 pm

Rosie O'Donnell wins palimony suit from Hildo Hydra 7.1 Turbo.

8/26/2008, 12:50 am

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

8/26/2008, 1:38 am

Bill Clinton sabotaged his wife's candidacy because his ego couldn't take it.

8/26/2008, 7:50 am

101111010 1000010001 0100100 010010 1110 1 0100010 01010101 0101010 0101 010100 10 1101010 101010 01000101 0101010110 11100100 11001

*For unlearned masses - there will be no "headlines" in 2020. All information deemed necessary by the state, will be transmitted into your new environmentally safe tin foil hats by Space Hero Dog Laika, still orbiting the earth for the past 62 years.

8/26/2008, 10:30 am

And will be disseminated by Michael Moore, the Protector of the People's Sensibilities. For only He can be trusted with the proper interpretation.

8/26/2008, 11:05 am

What about comrade Annan good sircomrade Theocritus? He will be the leader of the world by then you know.

8/26/2008, 9:49 pm

Card Check law, passed in 2010, declared obsolete. Union membership made mandatory for all businesses with more than zero employees.

Union Thug jobs at all time low. Former thugs file complaint with Labor Department, bash each others knees in showing of solidarity on Capitol steps following protest march.

Deodorant, make-up and other hygene products decried as elitist and exclusionary by lawmakers.

First abortion drive-through opens in Madison, Wisconson. Michelle Oboma on hand for ribbon cutting ceremony.

All unregistered, undocumented non-federally approved fetal growths deemed infectious waste.

Groups at odds over selection of new national symbol. Shovel, hoe, spade, pick axe and hammer groups riot on newly painted Brown House lawn.

8/26/2008, 11:59 pm

Union Boss wrote:Deodorant, make-up and other hygene products decried as elitist and exclusionary by lawmakers.

France becomes 51st state.

8/27/2008, 12:12 am

You mean the 59th state I believe Commissar. The Obama visited 57 you know, and had one that he hadn't made it to.

8/27/2008, 12:16 am

"And 57 created He them..."

8/27/2008, 3:38 am

Marshal Pupovich wrote:101111010 1000010001 0100100 010010 1110 1 0100010 01010101 0101010 0101 010100 10 1101010 101010 01000101 0101010110 11100100 11001

*For unlearned masses - there will be no "headlines" in 2020. All information deemed necessary by the state, will be transmitted into your new environmentally safe tin foil hats by Space Hero Dog Laika, still orbiting the earth for the past 62 years.

Error: Malformed binary. Your binary code must be divisible by 8.

Cube 26.08.08 Pupovich misprints rewrite fullwise upsub antefiling

Code: Select all

010001110111001001100101011001010110111001101000011011110111010101110011
011001010010000001100111011000010111001101100101011100110010000001101001
011011100110001101110010011001010110000101110011011001010010000001100010
011110010010000000110101001101110010000001110000011001010111001001100011
011001010110111001110100001011100010000001001001011011100111010001100101
011100100110100101101111011100100010000001010011011001010110001101110010
011001010111010001100001011100100111100100100000010001110110111101110010
011001010010000001001001011011100110001101110010011001010110000101110011
011001010111001100100000010001100110110001100101011001010111010000100000
011011110110011000100000010100100110010101110011011001010110000101110010
011000110110100000100000010100000110110001100001011011100110010101110011
001000000111010001101111001000000110010001101001011100110110001101101111
0111011001100101011100100010000001110111011010000111100100101110

8/27/2008, 7:14 am

Russian peacekeepers in tanks roll into breakaway republic of Washington DC in support of rebel leader Komrade Ayres.

Yakov

8/27/2008, 7:29 am

Comrade Kalishnikov. ordinarily I would congratulate you for your brilliant observation about the code. However, you forget, this is the year 2020 headlines. Your observation is based on old, imperialist coding, and does not include the PeoplesMath™ principle.

8/27/2008, 11:30 am

I am torn between Mikhail and Pupovich. Mikhail, math is right of course if you're trying to get a missile to fire or calculate how much poison gas you need for the ovens. And Pupovich, you have to have math that doesn't work if you, say, want Air America to have sponsors.

Did you hear that one of our Illuminati, the Glorious People's Leader Al Franken, who is running for office, made a whistle stop and had one person to greet him? You'd think that a man of his stature could have arranged for some kulaks at least.

8/27/2008, 2:05 pm

"the Glorious People's Leader Al Franken, who is running for office, made a whistle stop and had one person to greet him?"

He's running here in our republik of Minnesota, and he's making that rethugliKKKan Colman look even more evil than he is, if that's even possible. . .

(karakter off)
That guy makes me sick, and the fact he's running for office in my state only makes me have a diarrhea explosion in my head all the more painful to hold in.

8/27/2008, 5:24 pm

<off>He's a smirking little turd-thrower, a sniggering and leering wretch who would scratch the paint on a car he couldn't afford.

8/27/2008, 6:16 pm

Marshal Pupovich wrote:Comrade Kalishnikov. ordinarily I would congratulate you for your brilliant observation about the code. However, you forget, this is the year 2020 headlines. Your observation is based on old, imperialist coding, and does not include the PeoplesMath™ principle.

I fully understand your point, Honorable Marshal. Although I still believe that in order to allow a transmission to be sent and received by machine (via software), and have it be accurate, it will need to conform to machine code - we wouldn't want the Daily Truth™ to be garbled, that is to say, more garbled than it already is.

Of course, there is nothing preventing the PeoplesMath™ from being used for all other transactions, as Commissar Theocritus suggests.

8/27/2008, 9:37 pm

But it is the year 2020! Surely we have made great strides forward in machine language a full 12 years after the arrival of the World of Next Tuesday? Why. that is time for a full 2 Five Year Plans! So imagine the progress made in coding....

8/27/2008, 11:00 pm

Commissar Theocritus wrote:<off>He's a smirking little turd-thrower, a sniggering and leering wretch who would scratch the paint on a car he couldn't afford.

(karakter off)
hahaha. . . (lol) and than some!

8/27/2008, 11:33 pm

Mikhail and Pupovich, I think that there is room for both opinions. Records that are important--say bed counts for the gulags, numbers in Swiss bank accounts, blackmail, er, unpublished information about people who are ill-disposed toward us, and people are well-disposed toward us, all must be maintained reliably. After all, it's like keeping your powder dry.

But in everything else, let the numbers lie. Why do you think that the NEA is in charge of math education? Think, comrades, think. If students are illiterate and innumerate, then anything is possible because they will have no way to discern any manipulation except peasant cunning, which can be handled by appeals to vaporous abstractions such as "unity" and "party" and "the future."

Hope. Peace. Change. Audacity. Yadayadayada.

I hope that this is as clear as the minds of the proles will not be after the destruction of school vouchers, charter schools, and home schooling.

8/28/2008, 6:52 am

Commisar Theocritus, Mikhail T. Kalashnakov, and Marshal Pupovich tirelessly continue to debate proper machine code for 12th straight year. No light at end of tunnel seen.

8/28/2008, 6:53 am

Bed counts? For gulags? Please Commissar.... I believe you meant head counts.

8/28/2008, 12:31 pm

I do take your point. Bed counts for the outside for we don't want to admit to having as many as we have. You can't count a palette, can you? Head counts when figuring how many cubic meters of earth need to be shifted for the mass graves. Of those who refuse to be enlightened.

8/28/2008, 9:30 pm

Head counts for the polls as well...for those in the gulag who still consume oxygen, and those who have moved on to other uses.

8/28/2008, 11:25 pm

Comrades, sent them to my gulag in Eastern Siberia. A bonus for anyone turning in a family member. Comrade Pelosi states to "work hard" and to be "happy in your labor."

8/29/2008, 7:09 am

Comrade Schwartzenov.... do you use party approved botox?

9/6/2008, 12:21 pm

- Bush Lied, people died.

9/6/2008, 11:04 pm

Obama lied, network anchors sighed (and had tingles).

9/12/2008, 11:33 pm

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Final recount of ballots in Florida of 2000 election proves that Al Gore was robbed of the election. Al Gore, who has not moved since 2010, was found to be really and truly dead.

Al Gore has actually been dead since September 19th, 1999. His performance as President of the Senate in 2001 was simply the act of rolling over as gasses escaped from his bloated corpse. Everything he has 'done' since then has been accomplished by his clone. He perfected the technology required to clone himself in his spare time while he was waiting for web browser pages to load in the early days after he first invented the Information Highway. It is one of the reasons George Bush and so many of his compatriots are so publicly virulently opposed to stem cell research, which is required for the cloning process. However, Bush, Cheney, Clinton, and many many more members of the upper echelons, including the Bilderberg, have their own clones despite the fact that they are still alive. They were convinced of the necessity of this by a movie secretly produced and directed in 1979 by Gore himself, called The Clonus Horror, which outlines Gore's ideas regarding the usefulness of clones. The film's director is listed as Robert S. Fiveson, a clearly made up name. Gore would have simply replaced the parts of himself as they wore out but in September of '99, while on a bus trip doing a little pre-campaigning for the upcoming Democratic party convention, the bus lurched while swerving to miss Michael Moore, causing Tipper to simultaneously knock a large bottle of water and her running hair dryer onto his lap, electrocuting him instantly. Luckily, he had also come close to perfecting the procedure for transference of personality and the contents of one's memory, and his personality was quickly uploaded to his clone. This goes a long way to explaining his cardboard cutout-like stiffness and apparent inarticulation, both physically and verbally, during the subsequent campaign. His current 'Green' reforms include komposting himself in a manner leaving a reduced carbon footprint. I will most certainly channel him as soon as his clone is dead, unless he uploads to another body. The spirit plane has informed me that his newest clone has been 'hatched' with webbed feet and a propensity for chasing cars, so I believe there has been some degradation in his genetic coding and he may not be able to repeat the process should his current vessel fail. I will most certainly keep you updated.

Theocritus: Do not buy that book on Sunday. Someone will give it to you during the winter holidays.
Otis: If you go for a jog on Monday, your shoelace will break.
Laika: Kenneth is hoarding tinfoil under his bunk.
Sister: There will be a speed trap on Sheppard Avenue tomorrow, so take Wilson instead.
Pinkie: This year's crop of potatoes will ripen early.
Madame Blavatsky
Extra-Small Medium at Large

9/12/2008, 11:41 pm

Kalashnikov,

I am sorry. I forgot. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. Maybe. Yes, but only if you buy her at least four "Crantinis" and so I urge you to consider whether she is worth it. No. No. No. Yes. Yes. No. Be careful the cow doesn't kick over the bucket when you're milking her. Maybe. No. No. No. No. Definitely No. Sure, if boxers are more comfortable than jockeys.

Madame Blavatsky
Extra-Small Medium at Large

ps. Your fly is undone.

9/12/2008, 11:59 pm

Welcome, Madame Blavatsky! You may be the one we have been waiting for! I'd tell you where the shovels are, but you already know that....

9/13/2008, 12:56 am

Thank you Comrade Betinov,

I see you have donated your current physical vessel for well-being of the Collective. I would like you to know that it has been used well, as well as being well-used. But I am sensing that you are cramped in your current home; that you are sharing it with others, or potential others. It is very confusing. I see tadpoles. Also, were you allowed to keep your 'private parts'? It is murky. I do not think those are pickled eggs. Perhaps your fluid needs changing. Also, I have heard that if you keep a couple snails in the tank, they will help to control algae growth on walls. I will try again when when Mr. Cayce is not snoring quite so loudly.

By the way, you will be having freeze dried brine shrimp and krill for lunch on Monday.

Madame Blavatsky
Extra-Small Medium at Large

9/13/2008, 1:29 am

Mme Blavatsky, welcome from me too, and you may be the broad to change my luck. May I say broad? I hope so. I like broads. Bruno is so jealous of you.

I pose a question for your augury: who in the world is richer and more pompous than Teresa Heinz Kerry? For you know, with your omniscient Cyclopean vision that it won't be long until the Honorable John Kerry has run through all of her money, and since there won't be any children of the marriage to de-legitimize, he won't dally or tarry to find a richer wife. Not that he was stopped for more than a nanosecond when a richer ~~puta~~ lovely lady was on the horizon.

So, dear Madame, can you help Dear John with a woman for his Dear John? Leona Helmsley is dead, or reputed to be, and anyway, Terry is, or was, richer.

I'm beginning to think that the only thing that we can do to help Dear John Kerry is to get Linda Gates to divorce Bill.

9/14/2008, 1:31 am

Most impressive Mme Blavatsky, but I am not to be outdone so easily.

The Amazing Carnac
Pup Knows All, Sees All....

For instance... you will find what you are looking for in the corner of your 3rd kitchen drawer, beneath your coveted June 1973 Feather Boa Garter strap issue of Home and Dungeon Elvis Illustrated Digest.

As further evidence... Commissar Theocritus...

They are hard to answer not seeing the questions, but the Great Carnac Pup will try and answer the first 5.

1. d
2. true
3. Baghdad
4. 421,278,129.22548
5. Billings, Montana

9/14/2008, 1:41 am

Pup, I really am amazed. Two months ago I spent a night in Billings, MT at a newly made Residence Inn, a decent place. Do you know how far it is from Culo del Pecos to Billings, MT? Did you see that I actually had a very good meal at an Outback of all places?

Also in Billings there is a casino on every corner, which I suppose is a bar with a slot machine. And there is advertised a massage parlor, and, mirabile dictu, a 24-hour gay bath house. In a city of less than 100,000. Well, if you're going to sin anywhere near there, Billings would be the place.

<off>
Pup, glad to see you back in business.

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