Dr. Leonid Fuku is an official delegate of the USSA
Bureau of Healthcare Reform, and future commander
of the United Health Care System of the Americas.

"Clearly, the future is with United Global Front for
Healthcare, administered through a centralized
offshore office. It will solve all medical issues
for all the world's citizens. I, Health Kommissar
Leonid Fuku, am willing to address all things medical.
Ask your questions, but clearly state your Party
standing and location, or answers will not be

~ Doctor Fuku[/floatleft-nb]

Pinkie's Letter to the Editor on Health Care Reform

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Dear Editor of The People's Cube:

I have never written a letter to the editor before, but as a concerned citizen I feel I must write to you now to tell you, in my very own words, why I think it's so important that we absolutely must have health care reform now. For if not now, when?

As an informed citizen, I have studied this vital issue from all sides, and on my own I have concluded the following facts:

A new federal study shows that health care spending rose to an estimated $2.5 trillion in 2009, or $8,047 per person—and is now projected to nearly double by 2019.

If we don't act, this growing burden will mean more lost jobs, more families pushed into bankruptcy, and more crushing debt for our nation.

This isn't a problem we can kick down the road for another decade—or even another year.

We are incredibly close to passing real health reform. I stand with President Obama in calling on Congress to finish the job.

Too many in Washington are now saying that we should delay or give up reform entirely, but Americans understand the stakes for our economy and our lives, and that we want action.

And now I would like to tug at your heartstrings with some true life stories of my fellow comrades who continue to suffer because they do not have health care and are in too much pain to speak up for themselves . . .

I speak of comrades such as Laika the Space Dog, who's been orbiting the earth without any health care since 1957, and can't even get basic coverage for a routine worming, let alone a flea and tick bath. Why? The insurance company says Laika's work in outer space makes her too much of a risk to insure, not to mention they require her to have been a resident of the continental U.S. for at least five years.

I'd also like to introduce you to someone very special. Ivan Betinov has made the ultimate sacrifice for The Party, donating all his organs but one—his brain. He's now forced to live all his days and all his nights in a jar, soaking in a special solution to keep his brain from drying out and shriveling up like the ugly old hag who used to be his girlfriend. They were going to get married but were forced to break up after HER insurance company told her he could never be covered under her plan because of the company's own discriminatory policy: They actually told her that marriage was only between a man and a woman, not a brain and a woman. Also, Ivan needs a new jar since the current one has a crack he received when someone assaulted him with a shovel. Alas, his own insurance company just sent him a letter informing him he will have to pay for his own glass jar. But all he can afford is an eight ounce Buzz Lightyear tumbler, and even then he has to go to McDonald's and buy a Happy Meal to get it "free"—and that's only while supplies last.

There's also my good friend Leninka, who must endure painful laser treatments to keep her face dark-skinned and free of whiskers. Yet her heartless insurance company sees no reason why she shouldn't let herself go white simply because there are plenty of white people walking around, and that she should let her whiskers grow, pile on a few pounds, and seek employment with the circus as a bearded fat lady. Well, Leninka would, and the circus even said it would be more than happy to hire her, but there's just one little problem with that: The circus has no health plan for its employees, who aren't even organized into a union!

Or how about Comrade Whoopie, who suffers from painful headaches, fainting spells, and long speeches of rambling gibberish because of an ice-axe stuck in his head? He has been in touch with a Dr. Leopold Schattenburg of Grindelwald, Switzerland, who has offered to perform a simple procedure to remove the ice-axe. But to do so, Whoopie must travel to Dr. Schattenburg's private clinic in Grindelwald, because that's where the doctor has all the equipment necessary to perform the procedure, and he can't bring any of it into the United States because of TSA rules about box cutters and other sharp objects. Moreover, Whoopie's health insurance will not pay for his life-saving trip to Switzerland. Also, in a cruel catch-22 inherited from the Bush Administration, TSA will not give Whoopie clearance to board any aircraft.

And then there's dear, sweet Margaret, who recently visited a so-called "private" Jiffi-Lobo run by one Dr. Chicago, who actually deigned to think there was profit to be made in performing illegal, back alley jiffi-lobos without government regulation, or paying the appropriate fees and taxes to the government for a proper government license. A recent investigation revealed that Dr. Chicago's "customer base" consists of poor, frightened women like Margaret who have nowhere else to go, because no insurance company out there will pay for them to have safe, legal, rare procedures performed at government approved Jiffi-Lobos. Additionally, we have video in the vault that shows Dr. Chicago offering Margaret free Jiffi-Lobos for life, if she would volunteer at least sixty hours a week as an "upstairs receptionist" at Marshal Pupovich's Party Pleasure Palace.

Finally, there's my fine feathered friend, Red Rooster. He's been suffering painful constipation and hemorrhoids ever since he was asked to lay large, ostrich-sized Faberge eggs to prove his innocence, worthiness, and progginess in a Party show trial. Surprisingly enough, his insurance company offers full coverage for surgery to remove severe hemorrhoids related to work or Party service—yet not so surprisingly, they refuse to pay for HIS surgery, and why? Because of their insistence that (a) Roosters can't lay eggs, (b) even if Roosters could lay eggs, they couldn't lay ostrich-sized eggs unless they happened to be an Ostrich, and (c) Faberge eggs are handcrafted by master jewelers, not laid by any bird, rooster or otherwise. Therefore, due to his insurance company's cold-blooded nitpickiness, his claim of Party service-related constipation and hemorrhoids is null and—if you'll pardon the expression—void.

I have forwarded a copy of this letter to President Obama, to whom I would say this: Mr. President, I speak for the above comrades because they are in too much pain to speak for themselves. And because they are too proud to ask for your help when you have given them so much already. However, be assured that all are willing to fly anywhere in the U.S. at anytime, to stand by your side at any health care rally where you may appear, and share their courageous, heart rending testimonials of insurance abuse with the swooning, adoring masses.

I hope this letter will encourage others to share their own stories of anguish and hopes for triumph over evil. I have written from my heart, not because any organization told me to, and certainly not because I was paid by any organization. But because I care.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to raise awareness of the need to touch and ultimately change the hearts and minds of millions.

Hopefully changing yours,


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I've got a story which can top all of these.

(note, this is all false, I just thought of it as I was reading this story)

My 5th cousin, Jerry Legaless lost his leg when he was chopping some trees with a chainsaw. Long story short, the insurance company denied his claim, and he now spends his days with a cane shoved into the wound, and he drinks his vodka from said severed leg.

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Your moral outrage at the plight of your fellow citizens at the Cube is quite admirable. It should be EVERY citizen's right to take a number and wait for their share of healthcare; why should only the poor enjoy this luxury?

Surely no one here will object if you give yourself BOTW for this More-than-Equal Proggeriffic Post! (If you can't get one for being irrational and demanding, why even try?) -Czar Czar

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Comrade Pinkie,

Thank you for bringing up my situation. I can't tell you how many times I have visited the Social Security office to get them to classify my facial hair and light skin as a disability. And I certainly qualify myself as the perfect affirmative action candidate.

Just a couple of months ago, I decided to try out a supposed inexpensive laser treatment center. They said I could get a treatment for $99.99, so I cashed my welfare check (Medicaid doesn't cover facial hair treatments, don't you know) and walked in (they had a sign that said 'Walk ins Welcome.' Well, they were training a new intern and do you know what she did? She burned me! I had to go into hiding for a month, and instead of a hairy beard, I had a burn. Just to get the scars to go away, I had to give myself one Clorox facial treatment after another, and now, the only kind of tanning I can get without pain is a spray tan. It's hell being a light skinned black person. People have no idea.

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Leninka wrote:It's hell being a light skinned black person. People have no idea.

No Sh*t. Michael Jackson was light-skinned black. Now he's dead. You are so screwed.

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Thank you for your sympathy Comrade Czar Czar. For Michael, the gazelle look was fine, but it wouldn't work for me. I may go his route in the way of wearing makeup, though it is a pain to plaster it on every day and wash it off at night.

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This is the most touching thing I've read in probably 16 hours... sniff sniff. Where's my hankie.
There are so many compelling reason for Obamercare . . how many more people are going to be forced to used used teeth and left over Viagra, before something is done?!

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Obamercare, Fraulein, is going to bring us two Americas, as John Edwards once said. There will be the America of the insured because their employers are stupid enough to make regular insurance payments and the America of the $750.00 fine until I really need the health insurance for a major medical operation. I can't wait. I am of the 2nd class, myself.

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Commissar_Elliott wrote:I've got a story which can top all of these.

(note, this is all false, I just thought of it as I was reading this story)

My 5th cousin, Jerry Legaless lost his leg when he was chopping some trees with a chainsaw. Long story short, the insurance company denied his claim, and he now spends his days with a cane shoved into the wound, and he drinks his vodka from said severed leg.

Elliott, there is no need for you to indicate if your story is false. The reichwingers are going to pick it apart and say it's all bogus anyway, and conjure up so much baloney about how Jerry is already receiving financial aid from sixteen different programs at the state and county level. But even that is entirely beside the point. The point is that the insurance company denied his claim, yet keeps jacking up his premiums by 3000 percent every time he gets sick or injured.

And those state and county programs cannot be relied upon because they are forever in danger of being slashed by greedy Republican-controlled legislatures and governors, who bow down to selfish greedy homeowners who flock to the polls to vote for immoral amendments to lower their property taxes, thus cheating state and local governments of millions of dollars in revenue.

But the federal government will always come through, even when it doesn't have money. And that's why it's so important that we pass this health care reform as soon as possible.

Fraulein Pulloskies: Use your sleeve. Nose tissues kill trees and besides, they're gross once you blow your nose into them.

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Pinkie, I'm touched and heartened that you would use my pitiful plight to highlight the need for State run health coverage. I'm so moved that I must wiggle the handle of my ice axe and type with my free hand just to get the words out.

I would have chimed in sooner but the Col. has me writing about my Asian ancestors for a project he's working on. And I'm gathering useful images for a project of my own and of course there's the faux trial of Fraulein P. that Snoogie has instigated...the movement demands so much of us these days.

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Pinkie, I am touched by your inclusion of my pitiful story, sad times, and hard life in your letter to the editor. I only hope that it is not too late; we must pass health care reform NOW. Peoplke are dying NOW. Children are suffering NOW. We can't wait until 2014 for these benefits to start. We must have them NOW. We MUST...oh, pardon me...tinfoil beeper's going off.

<Hello? Laika? The taxes start now, but the bennies don't kick in for four years? No, certainly I don't think these funds would be looted by our beloved congress critters for their own porkbarrel projects the way that Social Security and Medicare have been. Only a mouth-breathing 19%er would ever think something like that. Sure, sure, I agree entirely. It is reasonable to try to sell the bill as an immediate need...perfectly legitimate method to trot out people as evidence of the pressing need...yes, right, I know most of them will be dead by the time the actual healthcare plan starts providing healthcare (that is assuming that they actually have the problems we say they do, and if we actually gave a fat rat's ass about anybody's healthcare) but that's the cost of doing business...well, that and kickbacks to coonasses and cornhuskers. Right. Well, I gotta get back to this rant.>

We MUST enact this legislation RIGHT NOW OR WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!11!!

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I got a paper cut once. What did my "provider" do? That's right - nothing!

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Ugh, tell me about it Blogunov. My provider seems to think being unlucky, clumsy and accident prone is a "pre-existing condition." WTF? If I wasn't all of that I wouldn't need medical insurance. DUH!

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Whoopie, I have found insurance companies to be uniformly rude, uncaring, and unhelpful. Just the other day, my beachfront dacha burned to the ground during a party (we were having a modest fireworks display at 3:00am, and one of the RPGs detonated before clearing my comrade with the flamethrower on the back porch). So, the next day I tried to buy a policy to cover the smoldering remains and get my money back on it. Do you know what they asked me? They said, and I quote, "Do you have a policy with us already?" I countered with, "C'mon, comrade, how am I supposed to know when my dacha is going to burn down!?" Then they told me, make sure you're seated now, that I was to have already purchased a policy and that they weren't obligated to pay me anything! Well, of course I was outraged and thanked my Darwin that Obama was president, because he'll fix everything.

So I'll bet that in your case, they wanted you to enroll for like six months or something because you had a "pre-existing condition" with a pick embedded in your head. Well, a lot can happen in six months, especially around here. One day you're an Inner Party member, the next day Comrade Schlock denounces you for the current outrage du jour and you're history, gone, a non-person. What happens to your healthcare then? A lot of good it does you while you're mining uranium in some gulag - not! Whoopie, I share your outrage. I feel your pain. I'm only too glad that all our suffering will end now that Dear Leader is in charge, so stop working worrying and be encouraged. I care, Pinkie cares, and most importantly, Dear Leader cares. What else matters?