The People's Cube - Political Satire

It would be an enormous relief if the recent attacks on the science of Global Warming actually indicated that America didn't need to spend trillions of dollars on Cap-and-Tax legislation. But not passing it would create an unimaginable financial calamity requiring large-scale, preventive measures to protect carbon-credit traders lavish lifestyles as we know it.

Of course, if we didn't I might have to find some other way to ruin AmeriKKKa's economic future; the Trillions we are borrowing from China to buy windmills, solar panels, and hybrid cars just isn't doing the job fast enough.

It is true that the climate panel published a completely bogus report about melting glaciers in the Himalayas; and in addition, e-mail messages stolen from the University of East Anglia in Britain showed that scientists besieged by an onslaught of hostile, "you better show us the proof of your research before we waste any more billions on this crap" make-work demands from climate skeptics may have refused to follow the requirements of the British freedom of information law.

But the scientific enterprise will never be completely free of crime. What is important is that my belief in an overwhelming consensus on global warming remains unchanged. And, my desire to make out like a bandit from this legislation remains utterly unabated.
~
Because the effects of global warming are distributed globally, they are difficult to identify and interpret in any particular location. For example, January was seen as unusually cold in much of the United States. Every male in AmeriKKKa was in imminent danger of having his testicles frozen off. Yet from my Global perspective, it was the second-hottest January since surface temperatures were first made up on the fly 130 years ago.

I could go on for hours with all the boring technical concocted details, but it would just be easier for us all if you all just ignored the specious reports by the 'deniers', and began blindly trusting what we say, without question. After all, it's worked so well up until now- do we really wish to risk our future by asking silly questions of undeniably benevolent Democrats? I think not.

Though there have been impressive efforts by many business leaders, hundreds of millions of individuals and families throughout the world to 'Go Green' by severely curtailing their personal lifestyles, civilization is still failing miserably make up for the necessary excesses of the Elite Intelligentsia. This must improve immediately.

Fear not the Goracle- always love and obey! "Yes We Can" save the Earth- "Yes we Can" do it For the Children!

If there were any other state approved word for glorious I would surely attribute it to this latest transmission by Commissar Gore! Glorious!

Meanwhile, capitalist pigs continue to deny his global wealth redistribution humanity saving plan! What don't they (vile small govt. types) not get about the truth that third world dictatorships are far more deserving of capitalist bounty than they are?

Just today while driving to my state tire re-treading job, I saw this poster:

QUOTE: "Fear not the Goracle- always love and obey! "Yes We Can" save the Earth- "Yes we Can" do it For the Children!"

Indeed! Sacrifice yourselves for the cause! Its the Pelosiesque thing to do!
<br>And now, the monkey made me do this...

This brought a tear to eye... and something to my throat. (gag gag)

Buffoon, did you say fez and monkey in the same comment? That's racist!

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Buffoon, did you say fez and monkey in the same comment? That's racist!

Who me? Say Monkey?

Fraulein Pulloskies wrote:This brought a tear to eye... and something to my throat. (gag gag)

That would be the Goracle's Unilateral Member of Divine Carbon-Neutral Earth-Thrusting.... I suggest you just power through it. He dosen't care for vomit on his hemp moccasins.

Comrade Czar², this argument is quite convincing. What right do we non-elites have to ask for proof of anything? We do not require proof of gravity before deciding whether or not to jump out of a 10-story building. It makes no sense to hold AGW theory to a different standard.

Besides, Al Gore has written both books and movies on climate change. He would not have been allowed to do so if he were no an expert, just as diet pills could not be advertised on late-night TV if they didn't work. This logic is compelling. If something was not true, it simply could not come into my living room over the big screen. It wouldn't be allowed.

I am so relieved that I no longer have to think about this stuff. I can now be in peace, comforted in the fact that we will all soon a horrible death if we do not do exactly as Al Gore and the other AGW proponents say immediately. Unnecessary panic and fear do not bother me but what really upsets me is having to decide issues for myself without some absolute authority that I can trust to guide me. Thank Obama I do not have to do so.

Czar Czar wrote:

Fraulein Pulloskies wrote:This brought a tear to eye... and something to my throat. (gag gag)

That would be the Goracle's Unilateral Member of Divine Carbon-Neutral Earth-Thrusting.... I suggest you just power through it. He dosen't care for vomit on his hemp moccasins.

Many apologies! Sadly your information/suggestions came too late. But, I am feeling better after hocking up a piece of climategate.

Dear Leader of the Lost Chad, O'Goracle, so this is what it's come to. First he had to battle the Bushitler, and came up not finding enough Chads, and now he must battle the icicles of Pittsburgh, the growing ice cap in Antarctica, snows falling again on Mt. Kilimanjaro, and those pesky e-mails from the East Anglia scientists. Does he give up? No, never. Not Al. He takes his chubby little fingers and plunks away at a computer -- or does he use a dictaphone and have a secretary type it? Whatever. He gets a whole new scripture written and submits to the New York Goracle Times, whom he trusts implicitly to get it right, and disseminate it to his adoring masses, giving them the sustenance they need, to believe another day, another year.

Praise the Gore. And don't stop believing, and whenever you hear someone say they don't believe, just remind them that climate and weather are two different things -- it's the mantra of the day, and it will save us all.

Czar Czar wrote: Apparently quoting Al Gore:

It would be an enormous relief if the recent attacks on the science of Global Warming actually indicated that America didn't need to spend trillions of dollars on Cap-and-Tax legislation .... etc.

If I weren't so wholly collectivist in my philosophy, I might be suffering from un-collectivist envy that Comrade-Gore/Goracle/Gorbels-Cube apparently designated you as the person to speak for him instead of me. It makes me wonder whether he sees me as a threat and is trying to boost a hot babe to compete with my diligent work in pulling all the levers of power to ascend to the great height I just attained as GAIA Minister. I direct this criticism not at you but at him because, you know, all of us hot babes need to stick together in the collective since so many of the males who are high party officials have not yet sufficiently rid themselves of their predatory instincts. Judging from your image, I assume that you have had to learn to cope with being viewed by them as an "object" (or perhaps at least two objects).

Now that I have that out of the way, let's talk babe-to-babe. We both understand what we as party officials cannot officially say, so we must speak to each other in unofficial, hypothetical language so that our words could not be used against us by the Tea-Party trolls that we know to be ever-present here in Cube land.

So, you must interpret my following comments as being prefaced by "if we were to assume" certain assertions by Global-Warming Deniers (i.e., those who attempt to use ClimateGate and the Blizzards of 2010 against us) to be true-- that way I won't need to preface every such assertion with "if we were to assume ...." And to further prevent confusion, I will highlight such hypothetical assumptions in red, the color symbolizing the anger dominating the tea-partiers/Global-Warming-Deniers.

Since ClimateGate and the Blizzards of 2010 have so utterly destroyed the credibility of the irrefutably scientific assertions by Comrade Gore and our band of scientists, such assertions are on the verge of becoming the object of laughter, derision and ridicule among the young-adult environmentalists on whom we could always count to attend Earth Day functions, gather naked with GreenPeace "Navi Wannabes" to stage demonstrations, and otherwise attempt to emulate the behavior of the "Woodstock Generation." Indeed, it was James Cameron's and my expectation when we began filming AVATAR, which we timed to be ready for release to coincide with what we then expected to be the signing of the Copenhagen Protocols in December, 2009, that the anticipated popularity of the movie among young adults (especially the young males, who usually are the ones who purchase the movie tickets) as a chic-flic to which the young adult males would nevertheless flock in order to feast their eyes on the scantily clad bodies of Navi females, would forever cement in their minds and hearts an unbreakable loyalty to our cause.

But, since ClimateGate and the Blizzards of 2010 have made our cause a laughing stock among all but the most scientifically illiterate among the sweating masses, it's now encumbant upon all of us "hot chics" in the Collective (which includes virtually every Hollywood female star-wannabe) to really "turn up the heat" to use the hormonal forces we can manipulate to cause the minds of the young males to disengage from rational thought and return to our fold for the same reason many young males so eagerly joined the "Woodstock Generation" decades ago.

One option is that we produce a video sequel to AVATAR, to be titled, "AVATART," in which we "go the extra mile" to exponentially increase our hormonal effects on young males so they will be incapable of entertaining the rationality of the ClimateGate/2010-Blizzards arguments by the Global-Warming Deniers. So, you and I must join together (to double our hormonal impact) in making such video. However, we must also be careful to be sure that the result is not what is commonly called "NSFW."

This way, we could have an even more powerful effect on the minds of the young-adult males than even the Rock-the-Vote video in which the aging Sarandon's daughter tells young men that "hip" chicks won't have "relations" (she uses a different word) with guys who don't swallow Anthropomorphic Global Warming.

Are you game? You may even have videography skills that vastly exceed mine. Red Square has to constantly remind me that I too easily go off onto tangents. But there's no doubt there are many ways in which we could collaborate-- plot-lines, image-creation, voice recordings, etc.

I await your response.

--GAIA Minister Neytiri

GAIA Minister Neytiri wrote: One option is that we produce a video sequel to AVATAR, to be titled, "AVATART," in which we "go the extra mile" to exponentially increase our hormonal effects on young males so they will be incapable of entertaining the rationality of the ClimateGate/2010-Blizzards arguments by the Global-Warming Deniers. So, you and I must join together (to double our hormonal impact) in making such video. However, we must also be careful to be sure that the result is not what is commonly called "NSFW."

Are you game? You may even have videography skills that vastly exceed mine. Red Square has to constantly remind me that I too easily go off onto tangents. But there's no doubt there are many ways in which we could collaborate-- plot-lines, image-creation, voice recordings, etc.

I await your response.

--GAIA Minister Neytiri

Dear Earth Mother Neytiri,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for your being overlooked as Head Mouthpiece for the Goracle. Clearly, you are far more qualified for the job than I, and I would be loathe to come between the very special relationship you no doubt share with him. I can see I need to clarify a few things about my species to the Cube collective, and simultaneously explain how such a Glorious Writ came to be in my possession.

I have often been referred to here on the Cube in the feminine (i.e. "smokin' hot babe", "a girl after my own heart", and I have been listed as one of the many Cube womyn who is "hotter than Palin" (spit)). This is a common misconception, which I often ignore; in fact, we Czar-Czarians are a hermaphroditic race, and choose to mate with any other possible gender of any other species. The beautiful brunette Human prole suits my current fancy; I could have any man, womyn, wookie, or android I so choose.

As I was engaged in a Threesome with myself (for a Czar-Czarian and his mate are considered a single Unit), Algore wandered in with his latest Writ, and of course demanded we turn it into a 'menage a quatre' (sorry my french is rusty.) And unfortunately, amidst all the flying fluids and body parts, the Script became lost beneath our four-poster, and was found the next morning (after an irate call from Goracle) spattered with lotion. As NYT's deadline was fast approaching, he said I should forgo sending it to you for proofreading, and instead ordered me to post it immediately.

So fear not, your job as minister of Climate Truth Dissemination is indubitably secure. I am merely a blessed underminister who, for one night, got a taste of the Oneness with Algore which I am sure you feast upon on a regular basis. As I am a lower-tier Party Member, any future collaborations, video or otherwise, should be properly initiated by you. However, I do have pasties. -Czar Czar

Al Gore is a bore

When my progeny were young skulls full of mush, they used to play the Matador and the Bull. One evening the Bull headbutted the Matador to the ground and exclaimed GORE!, GORE!, AL GORE!. Years later a witness to this event, for no other reason, presented me with a DVD of his movie, Earth In The Lurch, as a Christmas present.
I came across it the other day still in it's cellophane wrapper, and I plan to keep it that way until it is worth as much as it's cousin publication , the 1939 Batman Comic Book
( $1,075,500 ).

Czar Czar wrote: Dear Earth Mother Neytiri,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for your being overlooked as Head Mouthpiece for the Goracle. Clearly, you are far more qualified for the job than I, and I would be loathe to come between the very special relationship you no doubt share with him. I can see I need to clarify a few things about my species to the Cube collective, and simultaneously explain how such a Glorious Writ came to be in my possession.

I have often been referred to here on the Cube in the feminine (i.e. "smokin' hot babe", "a girl after my own heart", and I have been listed as one of the many Cube womyn who is "hotter than Palin" (spit)). This is a common misconception, which I often ignore; in fact, we Czar-Czarians are a hermaphroditic race, and choose to mate with any other possible gender of any other species. The beautiful brunette Human prole suits my current fancy; I could have any man, womyn, wookie, or android I so choose.

As I was engaged in a Threesome with myself (for a Czar-Czarian and his mate are considered a single Unit), Algore wandered in with his latest Writ, and of course demanded we turn it into a 'menage a quatre' (sorry my french is rusty.) And unfortunately, amidst all the flying fluids and body parts, the Script became lost beneath our four-poster, and was found the next morning (after an irate call from Goracle) spattered with lotion. As NYT's deadline was fast approaching, he said I should forgo sending it to you for proofreading, and instead ordered me to post it immediately.

So fear not, your job as minister of Climate Truth Dissemination is indubitably secure. I am merely a blessed underminister who, for one night, got a taste of the Oneness with Algore which I am sure you feast upon on a regular basis. As I am a lower-tier Party Member, any future collaborations, video or otherwise, should be properly initiated by you. However, I do have pasties. -Czar Czar

Dear Czar-Czar,

You confrim my assumption that in addition to your hotness, you possess a RedSquarian skill in writing, so I have no doubt that you could (and hopefully would upon request) make excellent contributions in collaborative efforts exploiting our hotness. Thus, you turn my blue writing instrument green with envy.

Also, despite my own hotness, I suffer from a significant disability, which few outside the inner-circle of top party officials know-- my voice lacks the sonorous tones that normally float melodically from the vocal cords of one blessed with such hotness. When I speak in my real voice (rather than my contrived-hotness voice), some people react in the same way as if they were to see a man's head on a woman's body. (A few famous hotties have prospered despite such vocal characteristics-- the voluptuous Helen Thomas comes to mind.)

Red Square can provide you my email address so you can contact me directly so that I can "properly initiate" requests for collaborative assistance from you. Or, if you prefer, you can give Red Square permission to give me your email address.

Back to your torrid encounter with the Man-Hunk Gore. I'm sure all the proles reading this are on the edges of their seats wanting to know if he planted one of those long, passionate kisses on you as he planted on Tipper at the 2000 Convention. We all know that all truly Progressive Women felt the Earth move as they watched the Cary Grant of Politics bless a female with his attention as the "Alpha Male" of the Collective. (Of course, we all know that our current Maximum Leader has eclipsed Goracle in this department.)

Regarding my role as Head Mothpiece, as I explained yesterday to Comrade Whoopie, who asked about my relations with Comrade Bubba, a Na'vi other than I served as his intern, so I never earned the title. A video segment implying Comrade Bubba's tacit solicitation to his Na'vi intern was left on the cutting-room floor in the final editing of "Neytiri Speaks for GAIA," which cut I posted posted as a special favor to Comrade Whoopie. That segment leaves too much to the imagination to allow more than pure speculation, so watching it won't fry the circuits in your laptop.
<br>Finally, sharing "Oneness" with Gorbels is something you and I now have in common.

--GAIA Minister Neytiri