The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades,

If you think there aren't people who care enough about saving the planet that they aren't paying attention to the effect that human methane flatulence has on climate change, I have good news. The noble and courageous pioneers at the Chicago Flatulence Exchange (CFX) operate North America's only cap and trade system for human flatulence, with global affiliates and projects worldwide.

CFX is a joint effort by Dear Leader, George Soros, Al Gore, Goldman Sachs, Franklin Raines (super crooked Fannie Mae head), CCX, and Generation Investment Management (GIM-London based co-founded by AL Gore) that was begun with a grant from the Joyce Foundation, upon whose board Dear Leader sits.CCX Members are leaders in human methane flatulence (HMF) management and represent all sectors of the population, from refried bean, and black bean aficionados to vegan tofu lovers.

Reductions achieved through CFX are the only reductions made in North America through a legally binding flatulence measurement regime, providing independent, third party verification by the Flatulence Regulatory Authority (FRA).

The founder and chairman of CFX is economist and financial innovator F.Art Belcher, who was named a Hero of the Planet by Poop n' Time Magazine in 2008 for founding CFX, and in 2009 as the "father of flatulence trading."CFX flatulence emitting Members make a voluntary but legally binding commitment to cap annual HMF emission reduction targets. Those who reduce below the targets have surplus flatulence allowances to sell or bank; those who emit above the targets comply by purchasing HMF contracts.The commodity traded on CFX is the Human Methane Flatulence contract, each of which represents 1 metric Gigafart.

HMF contracts are comprised of Exchange Allowances and Exchange Offsets. Exchange Allowances are issued to emitting Members in accordance with their emission baseline and the CFX Emission Reduction Schedule. Exchange Offsets are generated by qualifying offset projects, such as going without beans for an entire year, or just eating tofu on meatless Mondays (as is done in San Francisco).


The goals of CFX are to facilitate the transaction of human methane flatulence allowance trading with price transparency, design excellence and environmental integrity, to build the skills and institutions needed to cost-effectively manage human methane flatulence, to strengthen the intellectual framework required for cost effective and valid human methane flatulence reduction, and To help inform the public debate on managing the risk that excessive farting has on climate change

NO MORE BROCCOLI! NO MORE BROCCOLI! Someone has been to sneak a broccoli shrub into my beet porridge and I to use up all year farting allowance in just a one day! We must to find the reichwing climate denier capitalist white pig who to do such thing.

Maybe we are needing signage?

Surely these reports about an exchange (in Chicago) for HCM (Human-Caused Methane) must be a right-wing lie because if they are true, then it would appear that some of my Progressive Comrades are trying to steal my thunder (not apparent until 2:22) , and, even worse, trying to divert to their own pockets the vast sums which my own foundation is morally entitled to receive for promoting the Collective Good. . It's enough to make me suspect they're promoting Crony Capitolism:

F.Art Belcher is a man after my own heart (not literally, of course ...he is literally after something else, as you explained). Dear beloved late Mr. P, was a major contributor to HMF. He HMF'd all day and HMF'd all night long. Inside; outside. Frightened live stock and small gulag children. Most distracting. So I deeply understand immediate danger and necessities of CFX. I have such relief (not literally) that benevolent government is overseeing and caring about my concerns for methane expulsions. Volcano have nothing on dear late Mr. P. Pollution is pollution and bovine's are not the only bad offenders.
Broccoli, like Mrs. Al say, must be banned!
Gulag Granny's homemade Chili, Apples, Artichokes, Asparagus, Beans (!!), Brussel Sprout, Cabbage, Cheese, Corn, Fruit Drinks, Ice Cream, Milk and Milk Products, Onions, Pasta. Peaches, Pears, Potatoes, Prunes, Soft Drinks, and Whole Wheat must on be on HMF list.

I would suggest grass would be good dietary substitutions, but then again, cows are big offender so I must go back to re-thinking tank on that one..............

("1 metric gigafart" - oooh, is most glorious that the late Mr. P isn't around no longer. This would just be starting of each day.)

Fraulein, I was of understanding the HMF is most popular among the mens group. I could not to stand more than one of the minutes in cave after husband have eaten of any food meals. No turbine needed in cave when husband around to provide so much generating wind.

And wind of husband was of HOTness.... much like torch blow job treatement Leninka so good to advise us of.

Hmmm... now I am to remembering. When in company of husband facial hairs problems never to be as bad as is seeing now.... hmmmmm...

Ah yes, Mrs. Al . . . of great remembrance too! Striking match was most dangerous activity. (unintended explosions were shocking to neighbors and their goats. I can only imagine shocked camel reactions! Goat stampede did most destruction to gulag and surrounding area).

So fortunate for air fragrances inventions. Glade Makes a Heart Glad ™ , although, no so much with tiny reed smell diffusers. I would avoid wasting government supplied coins on those.

Comrades, I like to think I can swap farts with the best of them, but I never needed the stock exchange to do it. This smells of capitalist trickery. Those scoundrels want to sell my farts short. I say NEVER!

Support free market farts! Internalize the rot! Power to the Poophole!

"free market farts" . . . you bring me to shock! Are you a kloset kapitalist?! There is no free market only government mandated market, so glorious benevolent government can "help" all of us, illegals and terrorist. Did you not get memo?

Fraulein Pulloskies,

I must say, your late husband's HMF production appears as if it was legendary. He was born before his time. He could have been number one producer of methane at your local methane energy plant in order to have avoided having to purchase carbon credit, and he would have gone a long way towards making us energy independent, bless his soul.

Mrs Al Czarweary,

It's a miracle that every hair on your face has not been blow job torched permanently off of your face. Next time, I recommend you get yourself at least a dozen boxes of strike on box matches (not the strike anywhere - not enough lighting power, or sulfur), and who knows, we may get to see your lovely face, yet.

Comrade Whoopie,

Get your mind out of the gutter. This is a serious matter. If we do not get human flatulence under control, not only will the seas rise up and swallow us, Dear Leader will not have a way of keeping himself in Kobe beef throughout his retirement (which is going to be even more expensive after cap and trade is passed).

Comrade Goracle,

I commend you for being ahead of the curve.

And comrades,

Don't forget to stop and take a look at this sister website of the Chicago Flatulence Exchange https://www.chicagoclimatex.com/, the world's first and North America's only Greenhouse Gasses Exchange. Of course, the Goracle already knows all about it, as he is heavily invested, along with Goldman Sachs and George Soros. It will make you proud of Dear Leader and all his best friends.

Did I say Free Market farts? What was I thinking? And why was I thinking? I meant to say Free Range farts. I'm sorry comrades, it's all these Congressional investigations of Oldman Slacks and their shitty deals on Wall Street.

Leninka, if I ever got my mind out of the gutter where would I keep it? In a glass jar like Betinov? No thank you very much indeed, I need a fresh flow of sewer water to keep my brain wet.

Comrade Whoopie,

I see on the Chicago Climate Flatulence Exchange that they make room for private transactions. I wonder if anyone would be in the market to do a trade with your glorious talent.

https://www.chicagoclimatex.com/content.jsf?id=1813

Leninka, thanks for that hot stock tip. I'm certain climatex shares will turn out to be as tangible as the software futures I invested in years ago.

Hmmmm, short selling isn't really capitalism is it? I mean you're selling someone else's investment in the hopes it goes down and you can replace what you appropriated for less. That's pretty progressive isn't it?

Especially if your name is AlGore, or GeorgeSorito, as in refried Frito Bandito. Actually Frito Bandito doesn't hold a candle to Geoge Soritos, who is banking on the exchange of a lot of hot air. Where would we be without Dear Leader or Valerie Jarrett, the light skinned black woman, who commandeered the most noble Joyce Foundation, and who gave the Chicago Flatulence Climate Exchange its first grant?

On a side note: Glenn Beck sure is a dufus for trying to expose the ChicagoFlatulenceExchange as a scam, isn't he?