PEOPLE'S NEWSWIRE

• Merry Christmas from Al-Qaeda
  
• Prof. Kurgman's Holiday Message To The Gitmo Resistance
  
• Time Magazine imitates the People's Cube, declares everyone an equal winner in "Person of the Year" contest. We feel highly flattered
  
• Air America Radio quickly approaches communism, Franken to distribute bread and potatoes ration cards
  
• Senators Rockefeller and Snowe demand Lord Monckton be imprisoned as a danger to humanity and freedom
  
• Muslims face Islamaphobia, Neo-Nazis also find it hard to gain acceptance
  
• Danny Bonaduce's New Book - "How to Speak to a Moonbat (if you must)"

PEOPLE'S NEWSWIRE

• Republican Girls gone wild
  
• Karl Rove's October surprise: giant comet approaches Earth at top speed
  
• Democrats upset with Kim Jong Il: "Couldn't he have waited with his nukes until after the elections?"
  
• Caught while having sex in mosque during Ramadan? Blame it on alcohol!
  
• Lack of hurricanes stifles Dems' hopes to regain power
  
• Star Trek ship fetches $576,000 at auction. Kim Jong Il: "OK, now how do you make the damn thing fly?"
  
  
  
• Putin vows to hunt down Russian reporter's killers, hires OJ Simpson
  
• ACLU: Treason charges against Adam Gadahn violation of civil liberties
  
• Nigerian VP charged with fraud: should GOP leadership resign?
  
• Nigerian emails seized, national pastime outlawed, The People's Cube forced to redeploy its penis enlargement facilities to neighboring Cameroon

PEOPLE'S NEWSWIRE

• Dyslexic Muslim protesters burn effigy of Popeye
  
  
  
  Muslim clerics urge to boycott spinach products, ban Popeye cartoons
  
• Pope asks peaceful Muslims not to behead him on al-Jazeera
  
• Experts to compile list of things that don't offend Islam
  
• Democratic candidates vow to protect Americans against 'Big Spinach'
  
• Big Oil and Big Tobacco to Spinach: welcome to the club
  
• Pentagon threatens to escalate interrogation techniques from torture by ChiliPeppers music to torture by Yanni; Al Qaeda surrender expected by 5pm
  
• Meeting of Non-Aligned-Communists in expensive suits kicks off in Havana

• Ahmadinejad responds to Bush's speech: Iranian sisters-in-law are bigger control freaks than American sisters-in-law!
  
• Disaster-hungry media prays for wrath of Hurricane John
  
• Jobless rate drops again? Shhhhhhhhhhh
  
• Missile downed over Pacific. Bush to Kim Jung Il: How ya' like them apples?
  
• What goes up must come down by Alan Parsons Project tops charts in South Korea after US missile test
  
• Jews take day off from banking and entertainment industries to kick Hezbollah's ass back to 7th century
  
• EU to Israel: When attacked, hold national day of introspection and deep thought
  
• Annan: If you're Arab and live in a dump it's OK to bomb and kill. If anything it'll make you feel better
  
• France to Israel: surrender has been underestimated
  
• Scientific frontiers: which came first, Allah or the egg?
  
• Al Qaeda ponders human rights record after torture and execution of US servicemen
  
• MSM celebrates as more US soldiers charged with murder
  
• Affirmative Action's new frontiers: "effort" a hate word, along with work, success, achievement, and money
  
• Nevada girl mentions God in high school speech: 12 killed, dozens injured, local economy devastated, ecosystem may take years to recover
  
• God-loving high school valedictorian gets her mic turned off as seventh-grade girls demanding sex education get their wish plus cheers from NY State Senator
  
• Boy lost in government program found alive
  
• Why did Hevesi take 3 hours to respond to shooting comment? Why didn't he tell White House press corps first?
  
• El Baradei: Iran not a threat (if you live in Tehran and work for top mullahs)
  
• Friendly fire mishap: terrorists injure CBS reporter
  
• Great Satan helps Indonesia with relief efforts - again!
  
• MSM on Marine killings: if it makes Bush look bad, it's front page material
  
• Operation Chamberlain: Europe offers Iran a nuclear reactor
  
• God on Kennedy lightning strike: "I tried my best"
  
• NSA accumulated more phone numbers than Joey Tribiani
  
• California judge: Mr Gorbachev, tear down this cross!
  
• Hamas vs Fatah: the civil war that won't make MSM headlines

• CIA = Clinton Information Alliance
  
• Bin Laden's box set at a Virgin Megastore near you
  
• Osama to Jihadists: Get your sorry asses over to Sudan; we're getting them kicked too hard in Iraq. Stay tuned to Al Jazeera for further instructions
  
• Karl Rove's powers reduced from 'intergalactic' to 'interplanetary' destruction
  
• Ethnic profiling's new victm class: Arab princess impersonators
  
• Iranian President: We will cut off hands of aggressor - just like we do to children who steal fruit at the market
  
  
  
• Iran joins Nuclear Club, membership of Hiroshima and Nagasaki Club to follow
  
• DNA tests help get minorities out of jail - but fail to get White male chauvinists in it. More research needed
  
• 8 dead in Canadian cornfield; Michael Moore believes they probably ate bad corn
  
• Where were French road-blocking protesters when Hitler's tanks were rolling across Europe?
  
• State Department travel advisory: if you're in France and the road is blocked by rioters, speak with German accent; the road will rapidly clear
  
• Libby: Bush authorized torture & beheading of Plame
  
• Media issues blanket ban on skepticism in wake of Libby's statement
  
• Media's skepticism hopped on Greyhound bus and left Washington

• Cynthia McKinney: God bless Scooter Libby, praise the Lord
  
• McKinney creates diversion; DeLay quietly slips out the back door
  
• Scientists discover new species of mouse, Home Depot unveils new species of traps
  
• Iran: plutonium for electricity, missiles for spring gardening
  
• Russia: we should watch what we sell out of garage in future
  
• ISLAMIC APRIL FOOLS:
  
  • Muslims denounce terrorism, choose peace, liberty, and pursuit of happiness
    
  • All previously chopped heads to be returned to owners

• Cartoonists beheaded at Borders Books & Music, big sale of prayer rugs: hurry!
  
• French rioters: 'Work is for Americans'
  
• ACLU happy that Afghan convert went to Italy : 'Last thing we need is another Christian in USA'
  
• Know thy enemy: imperialist propagandists Cox & Forkum link to the People's Cube
  
• LA: 500,000 protest against crackdown on future guaranteed Democrat voters
  
• Moussaoui: 'Yes, I was to hijack 5th plane, didn't you read my laptop, idiots?'
  
• Janet Reno to Moussaoui: 'Shut up and don't make waves!'
  
• FOX's 24: terrorists and CTU reach compromise: entire supply of Centox to be released on the set of The OC
  
• Microsoft Vista to unveil 'as soon as we figure how Apple did that cool OS X stuff'
  
• Charlie Sheen: 9/11 attacks organized by American cheese sandwich
  
• Christian Peacemaker Team Hostages to Liberating Coalition Forces: 'Thanks for Nothing, You Murderous Occupiers!'
  
• AP: Chinese to take over nuke detection (insert where 'Dubai Ports' was previously)
  
• Abdul Rahman - Afghanistan's Terry Shiavo
  
• Even ACLU doesn't hate Christians this much (see picture #3)
  
• New York: Eliot Spitzer to subpoena Central Park coyote
  
• White House press corps demand crowns, tiaras, personal assistants
  
• Media insists on timetable for civil war in Iraq
  
• Concerned students: spring break in dire need of government funding
  
• Milosevic funeral attracts more people than anti-war protests
  
• Millions ask: where was Debbie Lafave when we went to school?
  
• Helen Thomas emanates pungent smell of urine
  
• The art of finding the bad side of good