The People's Cube - Political Satire

The 2008 Presidential election is just around the corner. We can't run our capitalist puppet Bush for a third time, Cheney's been compromised, so we've got to find some other incarnation of evil to run, to preserve both the Empire and our undeserved hegemony. The Left has competent, well-respected, and ethical statesmen who've risen up from the unwashed masses during the Bush years. The downtrodden are fed up with our imperialist wars and with the destruction of the planet for the sake of our boldfaced greed. We need a new sinister plan!

As every capitalist oppressor knows, the workers are lazy, insipid, intellectually stunted mongrels that only understand the issues of the day in the most animalistic, range-of-the-moment terms. And I give you my capitalist word that the workers would vote for Empire if we were to package it right.

If we learn to speak the truth to the masses we can steal a march on the Left! But speak the truth? Many a capitalist would say it's impossible. Before you shoot me as a traitor, answer a simple question: can we, the Capitalist Class Republicans, win in '08 by resorting to the same old lies and fear mongering? Not when the magnificent Hillary Clinton herself is running for office!

I have devised a plan that is insidious and creepy enough for broad masses of oppressors. I call it the Let's Do Empire Right! plan. It requires that we speak the whole truth of our sinister plans for the country. I can already hear objections: what in the world can a white male capitalist say to the groups and classes of minorities whom he regularly oppresses? Don't worry my fellow oppressors! Our truth will blow those damn Socialists in the Democratic Party right out of the water!

The Socialists may mouth platitudes about equality, but whenever they come to power they always create privileged elites of Socialist aristocrats. The Party that is obsessed with the destruction of class is the most class-conscious of us all. So we'll tell the masses about what really happens when Socialists gain total power - the inevitable creation of a class of elite apparatchiks and commissars and the almost impenetrable circle of their close friends and family members known as Socialist aristocracy. If this is what the masses want when they vote for Socialists, this is what we will offer them. Only we will do it much better because Capitalism has and will always be more efficient than Socialism, even if it's the creation of Socialist aristocracy! The Left will never have the guts to speak of it openly, but we will! The Democrats won't know what hit them!

Let's look at history. Julius Caesar was a champion of the workers long before he declared himself the first Roman Emperor. He was disgusted with his own wealthy class of aristocrats. When he ran for the Senate he appealed to the workers, the Plebeian Party, kindly offering reforms, bread, and circus. He saw, however, that he couldn't really help the oppressed without forcing the hegemonic Patrician Party to the will of the workers. So he devised a brilliant plan to help the poor. After he defeated Gaul, Caesar returned to Rome a popular war hero, crossed the Rubicon, defeated the Patrician Party's army, destroyed the old republic, and made himself Emperor - all in order to help the oppressed workers and peasants.

Back then one was not ashamed to call himself an Emperor as long as he represented the interests of the working classes. It's only in the modern age that the Leftist elite have to pretend not to be royalty - like Fidel Castro.

In any other age Fidel Castro would be known as the King of Cuba. If ownership means the right to use and dispose of something, then Castro owns Cuba just as much as any king in history owned his country and its resources. The Cubans are as much his subjects as any king's subjects ever were.

Or take North Korea. In any other day and age it would be known as the Kingdom of Kim. Remember the Ceausescus? Were they anything but modern-day royalty? Closer to home, here in America what presidency was known as Camelot? Do you think the Left viewed the Kennedy administration in those terms by accident? They love the concept of royalty and aristocracy. And as for the Clintons - would the Left have denied them absolute power? They would have welcomed it! Steven Spielberg mouthed it for everybody: Bill Clinton should be King!

They want a strongman with unlimited power who'll force society to their bidding. That's why Marxist Hollywood actors swoon over Castro. The difference is that erstwhile royalty ruled by the absolute divine right of kings, but the modern royalty rules by the absolute divine right of the Common Good, which is for practical purposes the same thing. In his incendiary documentary on Moonbats and Cindy Sheehan, Red Square called socialism "a different kind of religion." It may well be a different religion, but it follows all the old rules of established ones. The human condition doesn't change. Like Caesar, the modern-day Socialist kings and queens set up dictatorships for the sake of the downtrodden. If our class is going to hold on to power we must learn from the Left.

In the days of Hurricane Katrina the people of New Orleans waited for a benevolent king to ride in on a white horse and rescue them from the forces of nature. It was their idea of good government, an idea instilled in them by the Socialist-leaning press, politicians, and public figures. All who didn't share that idea had left the city on their own. The remaining ones suffered - because the rightwing extremists known as the Founding Fathers had set up a nation with neither a king nor aristocracy. But who will then take care of the unwashed masses? Surely not the masses themselves! The masses want bread and circus. The oppressed are unhappy with the Founding Fathers' decisions - and the press, Hollywood, and academia are on their side. If a Socialist Kingdom of America is an idea whose time has come, we'll be the first to announce it!

There are only two kinds of government. It's either the rule of law or the rule of man over man. The Founding Fathers favored the rule of law and fought against the rule of man over man. Socialism, on the other hand, seeks to destroy the rule of law for the sake of the Common Good. What's left is the rule of man over man whereby oppressive elites rule over the masses of serfs. If that is what the masses want then that is what they'll get - an American aristocracy. And that is the truth that we'll tell them.

Unlike the Left we don't have to pretend to not be Aristocracy. We can be truthful and say out loud that our plans are to be kings and queens. It's what everyone believes anyway.

All we have to do is trump every promise the Democrats make. We'll tell the people that they have the right to free housing, free food, free entertainment. Our '08 campaign slogan will be Bread and Circus! What's good for Caesar is good for us. We'll campaign on the promise that we'll make the president a King or Queen because only then will we have the power to truly help the needy. We'll tell them what the Left is afraid to say: we plan to rule over you by the Divine Right of Socialism! The media love royalty so they'll just lap it all up. How can the Democrats fight a campaign like that? It's what they've always wanted anyway. Most Democrat Congress-people will jump ship and switch to our side! The Democratic Party will be destroyed for all time.

In order to properly pull this scheme off I've decided that the best person to run for president in '08 is me, $.$. Halliburton. I'm the only one suitable to be trusted with the total power embodied in the office of King. I'm the only person I know who's so incorruptible that he'll use total power for good, enlightened purpose and not be swayed by the personality cults and lickspittle courtiers that are sure to flourish and worship at my feet.

If I'm elected to be His Most Royal Majesty the King of America, Emperor of the Free World and Protector of all Oil Producing Countries We've Occupied with the clear mandate of Bread and Circus for all workers and Landed Estates for my loyalist backers we can be certain to rule for many decades to come, possibly centuries. It would have the added benefit of convincing the Europeans to become vassal states of America so as to receive their own free Bread and Circus. Then in order to pay for it we'll tax the stinking swine till they have to sell themselves into bondage to our landed estates and we'll have free labor growing our food and working our fields in perpetuity.

Let's Do Empire Right!

Wave your flags high! Only in America!

Wow, ArkanSAUCE has a king?

Dear Thought-traitor $$ Halliburton,

While your presence on the The Shining People's Cube is proof of our Glorious Leader Red Square's, dedication to equality of all peoples, I am saddened that you believe we workers are "lazy, insipid, intellectually stunted mongrels that only understand the issues of the day in the most animalistic, range-of-the-moment terms." We are... we must be... capable of long-term thought and planning. In Kanada, it is the beginning of winter. Soon the snows will come. If we did not put up enough dried fish, pemmican, blubber, deer chivapchichi, as well as ample grain stocks for kasha and palachinkas, nor enough root vegetables, potatoes and apples (for Vodka - old newspapers are all well and good but the resultant methanol can begin to effect the liver and vision adversely by May Day) we would be deep in bear and beaver scat by the day the snow miraculously melts along the 49th parallel. I cannot speak for my more southerly comrades, but I find you assessment of the proletariat to be offensive in the extreme...

By all means - kill the Red Queen... off with her head... she was a traitor to her class the moment she signed up for Jenny Craig weight reduction programme, waxed off her Stalin-like moustache, and got rid of her Kim Jong-Il like eyewear, but the workers will prevail!

... Also, would you and Mr. Limbaugh, and Lord Conrad Black please stop calling me asking to buy my pain Rx's - not even a 'little taste'. I'm sure you can find some 'connexion' who can get you all the pharmaceuticals you needs... doesn't one of your interests manufacture them? Kanada is not a haven for those wishing to get high on Schedule II rated pain medications, despite despite what you may think of our more enlightened attitude toward pain management (and believe me, we need it up here with the higher taxes).

Now... if you'll excuse me... DT's are setting in... I could swear Nicolas Sarkozy is banging on apartment door trying to escape Islamo-facist youths chasing him... is probably just Kommissar Bet-ski and some of his young friends come for a chai...

Sister Massively Opiated... nodding off in Kanada...
"Handi-capable" Radical Cheerleader

Kommissar Betty wrote:Wow, ArkanSAUCE has a king?

Comrade Kommissar Bet-ski,

I am so happy to see you working so diligently to overcome public skool edukation. Thought of you at NIN/Queens of the Stoneage/Death From Above 1979 concert of Thursday evening last... I believe you would have enjoyed it very much.

Keep up self-improvement programme.
Sister Massively Opiated.

I will pay 3 Billion dollars for the secrets on how to build a stealth plane. An offer even Halliburton can't refuse!

Incorrigible reactionary! Enemy of progress! Have you not fully grasped the profundity and correctness of the materialist conception of history, otherwise known as dialectical materialism?

As Karl Marx so poignantly observed, "[t]he history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles." The final outcome of these epic battles between the exploiters and the exploited has yet to be resolved. But, as our forebears' noble "experiments" have demonstrated, Communism is by far the best political system ever devised on planet earth (with a nod to bee and ant socialism, of course). Why? Because it affords the most socially just allocation of the means of production, thereby ensuring that an egalitarian ethos will prevail among the people. It is the ultimate leveler! Just look at the shining examples set by all People's Republics in recent history. Hello doubters--you know who you are--need I point out the paradise that is North Korea; I didn't think so. Only a fascist, or a neo-fascist, or a para-fascist, or a demi-fascist, or a quasi-fascist, or a brownshirt (I think that covers them all) would deny that scientific socialism represents the pinnacle of human political and cultural achievement.

According to Marx's universally accepted materialist theory, as the oppressed fought to shed the yoke of their oppressors, the abhorrently brutal system of feudalism evolved into the less savage, but still odious system known as capitalism. So let me get this straight: You're proposing to take us back to a stage that predated the deplorable capitalist order. Have you gone mad? Talk about reactionary; I guess I should start calling you a Tory. I don't think you'll get the Republitarian or D.A.R. vote on this one old boy.

At any rate, here's a great campaign slogan for you:

Vote for "King" Halliburton: A Great Leap Backward, and We Mean Really Backward!

Prima nocte, anyone? Divine right? Whose your running mate going to be, Arnold Schwarzenegger? He's sort of 'Hollywood Royalty' (for rightwingers at least), isn't he?

Hi Margaret,

Would you please inform 'Burt' that the good Doctor's correct title is "Scrambled Egghead"? Thanks.

P.S., Is that sexist pig still slapping you on the backside and calling you "one helluva good broad"? There are laws against that kind of reprehensible conduct now; it's not 1950 in America anymore, sweetie, despite your boss's best efforts. You calling him "uncle" makes it even more disturbing; I'm afraid you'll need years of therapy.

Regards,
Dr. P's Personal Assistant

$.$ Haliburton,

You are a parasite sucking the vodka out of the hard working peoples of the Earth, I denounce you and your ancestors and whatever domesticated animals you may have in your possesion. How dare you sit there and tell us we are wrong, this is our fine progressive institution of blind obedience and advocacy for the proper raising of taxes. Praise Comrade Hillary!

When will you learn that money is the ultimate source of all hate and by taking it away from everyone we can establish a UTOPIA of equality and of pure perfection! Yes, a peaceful working Utopia of working class peoples who will slave and build for Comrade Hillary, errhmmm, I mean that will live in the high standards of living conditions that is found only in the successes of the communist state. For the love of the great inventor Al Gore!

It is the capitalist slime such as yourself that has indoctrinated our youth with "revisionist history" declaring such ridiculous lies that the Soviet Union fell and that North Korea is a place of starving peoples. About 99% of Amerikans are living in absolute utterless poverty, they are starving in the streets, while the wealthiest 1% eats and lives in golden mansions. How dare you sir deny such factual truths, CNN has the statistics to prove the above mentioned all accurate. And when Paul Krugman the peoples economist turns back these injustices and hands over all wealth to the unproductive oppressed peoples, you shall feel the plight of the working class proletarian and will surely see the true might of progressive good-think. We shall prevail and our cause shall overtake the world, all we have left to lose is our dignity!!!! Oh wait, we already lost that too!!!

For the love of RED,
Chairman Meow-Say-Pun

Just one problem:

Caesar never was an emperor. His nephew Octavian, or Augustus Caesar, was the first Roman Emperor.

Leave it to a capitalist pig like Halliburton to be a historical revisionist!!!111one

My dear Mr. Guest, you are quite right to take me to task. Caesar never was an emperor in name and I took license by writing he'd declared himself emperor. The fact is he was Dictator and the Senate had given him the title: Imperator (definition Imperator). However, for all intents and purposes, he was the Emperor of the Roman Empire. There were those that even worshipped him as a God - and not just in Asia. For a very good read on his last years I provide a web link to one of my personal heros. That I might aspire to his heights of power and glory is one of my fondest hopes and sincerest dreams. What good I could do for the Capitalist class with such power...<br>The link: Julius Caesar: The Last Dictator

from the computer desk of $.$. Halliburton

PS - You'll never see your left-wing columnists (such as Molly Ivins or Paul Krugman) admit to error. My small errors don't detract from the truth of my arguments. Indeed, my left-wing contemporaries only make statement after bold statement never offering example or proof, never needing to be backed up by anything but the emotions and preconceived, unthoughtout prejudices of their loyal following. Much like the simple-minded ancients who'd deify living persons as Gods...

Dear $.$ Halliburton, otherwise known as corrupter of history and oppresor of modern day progressive plebians.

Based on your argument, I am sure the Party is now taken the time to implement the staff on re-written history to fully erradicate any such notion that Julius Caesar was proclaimed Imperator by the Senate of Rome. And while on the subject of Rome, I shall personnaly file complaint that the teaching of the Roman Empire (which was decadent and wealthy and advocated the dirty word Imperialism) should be "purged" from the history books as a threat to our future minions and party loyalist graduating from the publik edukashional estabishmant. Instead, all subject areas focused on such a period in time shall be then replaced with an eight hour course credit lecture on the triumphs and accomplishments of the progressive city-state of Sparta. It shall also be taught that Rome never existed and was merely the concept of a drunken capitalist CEO looking for married hookers while trying to re-write history to favor the Neo-Cons who are also the ones who created calories and carbs which are making people overweight (not to mention the Hurricane that destroyed NO).

Thank-you for your argument so that it can be properly deconstructed and remade anew to make us historically accurate instead of you. (No rhyme intended)

A progressive denouncer of historical truths and loyal Party Apparatchik,
Chairman Meow

my greatest fear is that, somehow, using the far-right-leaning "mainstream" media as stooges, the evil corporate class-enemies will convince the downtrodden workers that water is poisonous, that industrial waste is actually the antidote, and that ONLY unhampered industry stands between the People and horrible mutagenic transmogrification into Southern Baptists. If the evil industrialist pigs succeed in their sinister aim (call it "DHMO panic-meme 2.O) their next puppet "president" shall be elected in a landslide - they won't even have to tamper with the already rigged voting systems.

Bill Maher is not worried that Obama's reforms will limit opportunity and restrict upward mobility. He's already at the top, so why worry? In the new, rigid society with the rich ruling class and the destitute unwashed masses spending their days waiting in lines, Maher will be among the gentry. He will be bestowing favors on the peasants and drooling about it on TV, safe from ideological competition. What's not to like?

Sign me up for that comrade Red Square! I'm ready to revolt, destroy and spread "progress" for the greater good, much like has happened with nearly every other socialist revolution.

Obama, justifying his use of unconstitutional actions:

…when Congress refuses to act, and as a result, hurts our economy and puts our people at risk, then I have an obligation as President to do what I can without them. (Applause.) I've got an obligation to act on behalf of the American people. And I'm not going to stand by while a minority in the Senate puts party ideology ahead of the people that we were elected to serve. (Applause.) Not with so much at stake, not at this make-or-break moment for middle-class Americans. We're not going to let that happen.

And the Great Relearning begins...