The People's Cube - Political Satire

Another semester has ended here in the progressive, sub-alpine village of Boulder, Colorado. The always hilarious Bill Maher (my buddy Ward's favorite comedian) has delivered the commencement address, wryly peppered with side-splitters about our half-witted President. Once again, our halls of higher learning have disgorged a fresh class of graduates out into the dog-eat-dog world of capitalist wage slavery. Hopefully, the seeds of collectivism that my colleagues and I so insidiously sowed in their minds will sprout into thorns in the side of the bourgeoisie!

Graduation has not been the only event of consequence around here lately. The Head of the Department, with the Dean's assent, has granted me the opportunity to conduct a trial run of a new, more socially just grade redistribution system next fall. I'm simply giddy over the prospect.


Unfortunately, Marx's sacrosanct creed "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" has been downgraded to a hollow platitude by "fashion radicals," who try to look the part and parrot socialist rhetoric to seem au courant, but rarely put their money where their collective mouth is. You shouldn't have much trouble finding one of these!

Unlike those dilettantes, I intend to put the creed into practice in my classroom by redistributing grade points in a more equitable manner. University administrators, still too overawed by the conservative power structure, have deemed it too extreme to dismantle the traditional collegiate grading system, with its ten-point scale and corresponding letter grades. Nevertheless, they have invested me with the power to "subtract" points from the grades of certain students and "award" them to others on the basis of need.

For too long, disadvantaged students have been left behind by an unfair system that rewards the bourgeois values of diligence and discipline. Changes are necessary for a myriad of reasons. Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is affecting the majority of today's young adults.

In addition, some students are, shall we say, less cerebrally endowed than their peers (being gifted, of course, in other, equally vital ways). So why should the students who possess greater "book smarts" receive preferential treatment if their intellectual faculties are merely an "accident of birth?"

Several other mitigating factors affect a student's performance. Grandparents pass away (sometimes all four in one semester), drop-outs abscond with their roommates' computers, and even alien abductions have been known to occur on occasion.

Furthermore, certain students may decide that staying out all night carousing is more important than studying. Who am I to judge them? As a progressive, I understand that such convivial behavior is an integral part of someone's personal development.


It's time that we require the "A" and "B" students to give something back to the class as a whole. Towards this end, I intend to lower their grades to "C"s. Then, I will add the points subtracted from their scores to those of the "D" and "F" students to raise them up to "C"s as well. The average will stay the same, but the individual outcome will be every utopian's dream: Equality of Result!

I will have the discretion to make exceptions to this general rule. For instance, my favorite students (those who go the extra mile to show their devotion to the progressive cause) will be given "A"s. Male and unattractive female students can demonstrate the requisite zeal by joining socialist organizations on campus or by performing certain tasks for the professor, such as running errands for him, doing his laundry, or cutting his grass. Desirable female students need do nothing more than come by the professor's house for a private lesson on what it means to sacrifice oneself for the Greater Good™. Conversely, any student who refuses to abandon his or her conservative or libertarian biases will receive a "D" or an "F," depending on the degree of their ideological intransigence.

This should teach the students a valuable lesson of progressive morality, fairness, collectivism, and sacrifice, preparing them for the life in the future society we are building for them. I can't wait for next semester.

Derek Kruger wrote:P.S. Do you have any athletic photos of yourself?

I hope you notice that even in my little transgressions I am being politically correct and, being an opponent of racial profiling, I'm also color-blind.

Derek Kruger wrote:As a fellow academic I applaud your forward thinking! I have attempted similar actions at my institution, but have been thwarted by the Bible-Belt hegemony. I long for the days that this practice will be adopted universally, and lines of deserving students line up outside my front door prepared to sacrifice for the common good.

What was your secret in getting this measure passed? I have argued that we as an institution already have this measure in place for professors. You may be familiar with the term tenure. Why shouldn't those blessing that are shared by our collective be passed on to those that will make the universal collective the future!

Yours in brotherhood,
Derek

P.S. Do you have any athletic photos of yourself?

The best way to handle this is to remind those in charge who made them! The party shall not sit idly by! Remind those in the Ivory-Tower that the Ivory-Tower is suppoed to be RED!

I, too, have been interested in new educational systems where redistribution is a fundamental concept.

In my recent paper, "The three mandatory circles of education," I propose a "core charter school" be the center of the educational process. This school will provide the mandatory didactic teachings required of our modern edutariat. There will be no grades, of course. Rather, the ability of the student to fully absorb its mandated quota of teachings willingly will be assessed. Ones that fully absorb their mandate will remain in the central (inner) circle school.

Those who absorb only some of their quota will be placed in the second ring school, where they will be more aggressively taught. Those who do not work at the expected level in this circle will be placed in the outer circle, where hard work will be used to recondition their study ethic for an undisclosed amount of time, followed by midnight to 4AM didactic sessions on the nature of their failure to learn, followed by the "question and answer" period, where a list of questions with the proper answers is distributed and studied. The pilot redistribution program is to begin at Brooklyn College under my dear friend Priya Parmar, mentioned in this slanderous and libelous New York Sun article which I hereby condemn:

https://www.nysun.com/article/14604

Leonid Fuku wrote:"The three mandatory circles of education"

An interesting approach: concentric circles of collectivism.

As for Professor Parmar: I completely agree with her indictment of the English language as the "tongue" of the oppressors. It is the language of capitalism and imperialism, abounding with moral imperatives and "socially constructed" dichotomies, in which one term in a binary pair is unjustifiably privileged with respect to "the other". E.g., good/evil, white/black, light/dark, smart/dumb, pretty/ugly, up/down, success/failure, etc. Value judgments are encoded in such diametric relationships, since one term necessarily marginalizes its polar opposite. The psychological effect of this is the maintenance of a decidedly unegalitarian hegemonic consensus--that is to say, both the exploiters and the exploited are cuturally conditioned to view the inequitable distribution of rights and resources as the natural state of affairs for human beings.

Dearest Doctor,

I find your logic irrefutable. In fact, I will continue to the obvious conclusion of your incisive comments.

Linguistics is in fact rooted in the "Not Other." In other words, we define what something is by what IT IS NOT. In essence, we EXCLUDE all else in order to define that which is. Clearly this is a violation of the first rule of egalitarian forethought.

In fact, I have a radical common-sense proposal which I intend to publish under the title, "The Last Paper Ever Written." In this work, I prove that the actual act of referring to anything with language is indeed RACIST, SEXIST, HOMOPHOBIC AND EXCLUSIONARY. Indeed, my paper demands the deconstruction of all language and communication. I would have published the paper sooner, but obviously all literary discourse will be impossible thereafter, and I need to publish a bit more to get tenure.

I do enjoy your helpful thoughts.

Sincerely your dear colleague

Leonid

Colleague Fuku,

I applaud your fluency in the parlance of the lit-crit cognoscenti! You have deftly interrogated the system and found it irrevocably inscribed with a code that compels people to define themselves in relation to "the Other".

With regard to your proposed work "The Last Paper Ever Written", I advise you to release it as a primer piece. You could title it something like: "The Final Act of Deconstruction: Anticipating the Last Paper Ever Written". It's a wonderful idea; one that would make your career if you could pull it off. What I'm getting at is: now that you've introduced the idea into the public sphere, you'd better be able to show that its intellectual provenance resides with you, lest someone else appropriate it and beat you to the publisher. You know how competitive it is in the academy.

Sense you mentioned needing to publish more to merit tenure, I presume you are a member of the illustrious professoriate as well. On what topic did you do your dissertation? Has it been published? I'm sure it's fascinating and insightful work based on the content of your posts here!

Cheers,
Dr. P

My Dearest Doctor,

You humble me with your kind and encouraging words. Indeed, a primer piece is the ideal format for a paper of such obvious gravity! How could I have missed such a fundamental point!

As for my dissertation, I must first provide background about myself. I was born in Michigan to an automechanic and homemaker. I remember little of them. However, I do vividly remember how they tested my allegiance to the fundamental necessities of societal harmony.

As a lad of twelve, my father brought me to his place oif work. He had been concerned that my dinner table discussions ran contrary to his capitalist core of beliefs and wished to influence my progressive thinking through immersion in "fee for service" activities. He never could understand the horrid realities of capitalism. Thanks to a string of progressive teachers starting in pre-kindergarten, I was afforded an understanding at an early age that he was not.

Upon arrival at his "garage," I was immediately struck by the horror. Workers functioned for the sole purpose of monetary gain. Nowhere was the joy of collective function, collective accomplishment. Instead, each man worked for himself. With disgust I retired to his office, only to overhear an interaction that I could not overlook.

My father stood behind his desk discussing matters with a fellow. Their discussion centered on the transfer of auto parts and the costs thereof. While disturbing, this was expected. However, I then heard the men agree that NO RECEIPT of the interaction should be kept to AVOID TAXATION! Well, I need not tell you my SHAME! The State RELIES on taxation for equitable distribution of the peoples' funds! How could a parent of mine be so evil?

Well, I'm sure you know what I had to do. I agreed to come to work with my father for the summer. I also convinced him that I would function best as a "financial man." While he was circumspect, he agreed to allow me access to his business dealings. I then set about my task of documenting all activities that ran counter to the well-being of the state. After two months, I approached the proper authorities with my evidence, and began wearing a "wire." Suffice it to say, after the Summer was over, so was my father's misspent freedom! My mother could not bear the shame, and did herself in shortly thereafter (and who could blame her).

As a result of my duty to the state, I was taken in by an underling of the great Senator Daschle. I was taught the inner workings of the State by that great man. When I reached sixteen, I began investigating Universities. The obvious choice was an education in the CCCP. However, I knew that my service to the state required an education in the "United" States. Therefore, I chose the most progressive and properly-oriented University for matriculation -- The University of California, Berkeley. I had moved to California a year in advance to permit the State to properly fund my education, for we were so devoted to each other. I acquired the remainder of the money working at the Karl Marx Library, as any good young citizen should at some time in its life.

My majors were several (in order of importance):

<a href="https://socrates.berkeley.edu/~bsp/" target="_blank">Soviet Studies</a>
An obvious necessity for anyone who wants to understand the inner workings of a peoples' state

<a href="https://rhetoric.berkeley.edu/" target="_blank">Rhetoric</a>
Clearly, without proper articulation, one is lost. It is so often necessary to speak to an audience in terms they can understand, especially those brainwashed by greed. As Nietzsche (who is not necessarily a friend of the State, but is useful nonetheless) said, "To speak to a Hunchback, one must often speak in a Hunchbacked way!"

<a href="https://www.demog.berkeley.edu/" target="_blank">Demographics</a>
How can you relocate people for the greater good if you can't find them?

<a href="https://socrates.berkeley.edu/~ethnicst/" target="_blank">Ethnic Studies</a>
Clearly, one must understand what not to do and say when confronted with human differences. It is also obviously necessary to properly correct the misinformation gathered by the unilateral Western Historians regarding various peoples, and to keep current with the constant improvements in factual gathering. I often think it best to never give a final degree to Ethnic Studies Majors, since the past is in constant evolution and improvement, and hence needs to be revisited monthly.

<a href="https://ls.berkeley.edu/ugis/masscomm/" target="_blank">Mass Communications</a>
Of course -- the message is important, but useless if not distributed to the masses.

I fear I have gone on for too long. If requested I can discuss my further studies in the future.

Your devoted friend,

Leonid

Thank you for sharing that moving chapter of your life story with us, Colleague Fuku. The pathos of it brought back many memories of my own radical metamorphosis. I, too, developed a burning desire to bring down the capitalist system as a young lad. Your childhood, however, seems almost quaint compared to mine. Whereas your father was an auto-mechanic and member of the petite bourgeoisie, mine was a major banking magnate and full-fledged doyen of the New England gentry. He and his rightwing cronies were far too powerful to bring down with a simple accounting scandal. Therefore, I had no choice but to "bore from within", i.e., to use his ill-gotten gains to advance my progressive education and fund socialist enterprises worldwide! The poor man and his traditionalist notions of family loyalty...I essentially spit in his face when I changed my surname from Davenport to Palimpsest, but he still felt duty-bound to bequeath me a sizable share of his assets.

I see we share an alma mater, as I also did my undergraduate work at Berkeley, where I, of course, graduated summa cum laude (Class of '66). Pardon the preening, but it's an occupational requirement. While at "the Berk", as we used to call it, I joined the electrifying New Left movement and had the distinct honor to participate in some of Isaac Deutscher's famous "teach-ins". I followed Deutscher to Cambridge to continue my studies abroad, but couldn't stomach the fish-and-chips. Consequently, I returned to the states and took my Ph.D. in History from Columbia. I'm sure you've read my Thompson Prize-winning book, Reforging the Sickle: The Enduring Impact of Antonio Gramsci on Egalitarian Thought.

Dear Dr. Palimpsest,

Your reputation precedes you. Of course I have read your works! I only hope my meager efforts meet with your approval.

To continue my saga:

After my studies at Berkeley, I took ill with a severe case of consumption. Unable to afford proper healthcare due to the obvious inadequacies of the American system, I was forced to head to Canada for treatment. There, I experienced the best in State-funded care. It was as if the State cupped me in her smooth delicate hand and stroked away the granulomatous masses in my lungs.

Indeed, Canada had more to offer than the finest healthcare system in the world. I found myself amongst the like-minded, the members of the true collective. I was welcomed by the Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist of course!) My comrades and I found our work exhilarating. I was appointed the liason to the Cuban Embassy in Ottowa, and during that intellectually active time, authored my "Historic Initiative." The leader of the party, Hardial Bains, took my work and presented it to the masses. In the spirit of the collective, I stood idly by, until Comrade Bains' untimely death on August 24, 1997. I was accused (unfairly) of a hand in Comrade Bains' demise by his wife, a woman prone to hysterics. As a result I was forced to leave my new home and return to the oppressive land from which I had escaped.

Once back in the United States, I experienced an evolution in thought worthy of Stalin himself! I moved back to Michigan and started life anew under an assumed identity. I then joined the workers at General Motors, posing as an uneducated laborer ripe for exploitation. Over the next several years, I rose in the Union ranks, until my voice was the most prominent and trusted within our workers party. While my less-broad-minded colleagues were only concerned with sustenance for their dependents, I kept my inner eye on the real mission. Over time, my health care and pension initiatives have resulted in economic hardship so deserved by a corporate entity willing to take advantage of its workforce. As I move forward with my initiatives, there will be no choice left for the corporate manipulators -- they will be forced to allow our true Mother, the State, to control General Motors.

Once my dear comrades Kennedy and Reid are able to correct the ills at General Motors, I expect a car in every driveway made by American workers not because the workers desire petty economic gains, but because they desire the happiness associated with being a member of the collective! A brave new world awaits!

My writings on education are a side project, allowing me an outlet for my intellect.

Yours

Leonid

Derek Kruger wrote


"Yours in brotherhood,
Derek

P.S. Do you have any athletic photos of yourself?"

Alright, this is getting a little too homoerotic for my tastes. I have semi-nekked pictures of myself as well that I could pass on if anyone is interested. What this has to do with fair distribution of Grade Points is beyond me, but I'm too busy napping to care.

Parasite wrote:Alright, this is getting a little too homoerotic for my tastes.

Homoerotica? This is a curious assertion, indeed. Everyone knows that there is no homoerotica in The Cube. Just ask our fav frenemy*, Ahmadinejad.
---------------------------------------------------------------

*Cubespeak™ for "the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

Not only should you take out the grading system, but while you are at it Comrade, take away those mechanical pencils too, when I was in high school (class of 2008), you could always tell who the bourgeois scum's kids by how fancy the mechanical pencil was. The poorest people in my class had to settle with the old fashion #2.

I got this in the mail today. Looks like Professor Palimpsest has some followers:

---------------------------
An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich. A great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that....

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that....

{off}
Just like the car factory in Atlas Shrugged. I think the "progressives" have read it and are using it for their game plan.

Red Square wrote:I got this in the mail today. Looks like Professor Palimpsest has some followers:

---------------------------
An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich. A great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that....

Wow! Now there is a teachable moment. I wonder if the sudents actually got anything out of it though.

Life imitates the Cube, again.

A University of Georgia professor has adopted a “stress reduction policy” that will allow students to select their own grades if they “feel unduly stressed” by the ones they earned.

As such, if students feel “unduly stressed by a grade for any assessable material or the overall course,” they can “email the instructor indicating what grade [they] think is appropriate, and it will be so changed” with “no explanation” being required.