The People's Cube - Political Satire

No economics primer would be complete without some personal financial advice. And so, here are some tips; allow my genius mind to feed your ignorance.

1. Spend all your money; you'll always have Social Security to take care of you.
   
2. Invest in a socially-conscious mutual fund. A good fund will not place your money with any company that pollutes, discriminates, exploits, or makes a profit in any way.
   
3. Always buy extended warranties, regardless of how much they cost. Fact: Some items will break: Fact: Extended warranties allow you to get these items repaired for free.
   
4. Buy lots of insurance, and keep those deductibles low. Insure everything in sight: Your house, your car, and if you can, your grocery bill, your utility payments, and your cable bill. Remember: After you pay your premiums, everything is free. Extra tip: Buy insurance to pay for your other insurance premiums.
   
5. Apply for welfare. Did you know that it is your moral obligation to be on public assistance?
   
6. Invest in a Times Select subscription. Why spend money on books and schools when you can instead be educated by Maureen Dowd and Bob Herbert?
   
7. Avoid shopping in warehouse stores, and especially avoid Wal-Mart. The Walton family didn't get rich by charging low prices.
   
8. If you foolishly insist on shopping at Wal-Mart, be sure to tip everyone in sight. Your reward for feeding them will be a clean conscience.
   
9. Don't buy items made in China; they will then own you. For that matter, stay away from items made in other states, counties, neighborhoods, or for that matter anyone else. Grow all your own food, make all your own clothing.
   
10. Destroy your house with a wrecking ball. You will then create a job for yourself when you need to rebuild it.
    
11. Default on your loans. Eventually, the government will generously forgive you.
    
12. Try credit card debt. By going into debt, you will be obtaining things for free. And, you'll also be helping the common good by stimulating the economy.
    
13. Invest in foreign currencies. And then buy my books about foreign currencies.
    
14. If you own a business, force your employees to form a union. They will be better workers that way.
    
15. Pay more taxes than what the IRS suggests. Make it at least triple the suggested amount; any investment in your government will be returned to you many times over.

Paul Kurgman wrote:10. Destroy your house with a wrecking ball. You will then create a job for yourself when you need to rebuild it.

Excellent advice, Comrade Doctor. When P. Kurgman talks, people listen. I'm particularly fond of No. 10 (personal house demolition), as I'm an ardent proponent of "The Broken Window" method of stimulating local economies. It is axiomatic: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but teach him to break windows and he'll eat at least two squares a day until he is inevitably purged for thoughtcrime.

Broken windows, as you are well aware, translate into greater revenues for plate glass manufactures, glaziers, and recyclers of vitreous materials. As a result of mass breakages in a given community, glass industry workers would have more disposable income with which to patronize other businesses, such as health food co-ops, coffee shops, tattoo parlors, art-house cinemas, etc. The frontline merchants, in turn, would have more money to spend on other goods and services, thereby passing prosperity back through the ranks. Thus, the positive effects of breaking windows would be exponential.

In light of this undeniable fact, we should organize People's Window Breaking Brigades to spread prosperity throughout the nation.

Dear Comrade. My CHEKA/KGB emloyees constantly running out of ammo during
firing squad exersices. When I checked into it ,the ammo shipments being held up due to exceeding credit limit on my Peoples Credit Card.
Can you please advice on how to extend our limits... Please hurry, we are running very low on ammo.

Lovingly Yours,
Iron Felix

Paul Kurgman wrote:No economics primer would be complete without some personal financial advice. And so, here are some tips; allow my genius mind to feed your ignorance.

• 5. Apply for welfare. Did you know that it is your moral obligation to be on public assistance?
  
  9. Don't buy items made in China; they will then own you. For that matter, stay away from items made in other states, counties, neighborhoods, or for that matter anyone else. Grow all your own food, make all your own clothing.
  
  

Comrade, I must confess weakness in this area. I have never been on public assistance! I was mortified to read this for the first time, and to see my error in the bright light of rational progressive truth. But what is a comrade to do? The capitalistic pigs that run this alleged democracy claim that I am not eligible for the very assistance that I pay for. Have you any suggestions?

Secondly, I must ask why you would ask us not to buy items from our Chinese friends. Is it because of their lamentable loosening of the reins over the masses? Yes, I know they are still far more true to our cause than the system that we are forced to live under, but they have weakened by even allowing the internet and allowing capitalistic union busting corporations to do business in their country.