Since the initially
successful effort by academia to
ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime.
The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide
activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries.
Student activist: Unlike our military, the Jihadis allow cross-dressing gays in their ranks. Their gowns are sexy and they're not ashamed to wear them! I hear they let their gays get stoned, too. We could also act civilized for a change and let gays in our military smoke a joint once in a while.
Dr Palimpsest: The US military is like a locust swarm of imperialism turning day into night across the planet. No, wait; that's too biblical sounding. It's more like a rampaging troglodyte madly swinging its club around the globe and smashing whatever lies in its path.
Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD: Where's the new strategy? The allies are the same, the enemies are the same, the tactics are the same, even the progressive recruiters for freedom-fighting causes are the same. We are only being told that there is a new strategy because Dr. Palimpsest wants to get more donations to enlarge his decadent French vineries! I say donate to my blog instead!
"Our Universities are a public trust; they're learning laboratories where students should be exposed to as many ideas as possible - provided they don't promote the harmful notion of American military victory," said Dr. Winston Palimpsest, history professor at UC-Boulder and chairman of PAURP, which now boasts chapters on more than 200 colleges campuses nationwide.
"If Bush is sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq, how can the enemies of neocolonialism compete with those numbers without a fairness doctrine when it comes to recruitment?" Dr. Palimpsest said at a fund-raising event held yesterday in Seattle.
"My colleagues in the academy are worried that their students are only getting one side of the story. In the interest of tolerance and diversity, as well as leveling the playing field - or should we say battlefield - we must redress the recruiting balance by boosting the numbers of recruiters from various so-called 'terrorist' organizations, communist regimes, and any group that opposes and resents American capitalist success."
Mr. Sayf Hazem, a representative of Hezbollah and the biggest donor of the Seattle fundraiser, says it's about time.
"We've been discriminated against for too long on the college campuses of America," Hazem stated in a phone interview.
"We know thousands of American students are depressed and
suicidal. If we can get them to take a few Jews with them when they off themselves, then it's a win-win."
Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, Secretary General of Hezbollah:
Going to college can be a difficult transitional period during which students may feel lost, lonely, confused, anxious, inadequate, and stressed. All of this leads them to depression, which is the number one cause for suicide. And if I were to hear every day from my professors, like Dr. Palimpsest, that I live in the world's worst country with a puppet regime bent on the destruction of its neighbors, and that we all may soon die from Global Warming, I think I would also be depressed and suicidal.
Therefore, we at Hezbollah are willing to support monetarily and otherwise any radical, post-modernist, or Marxist studies that promote guilt, anxiety, and depression among American students. In conjunction with the planned expansion of our recruitment efforts on campuses, we'll soon be looking at an army of suicide bombers that's bigger than
the one Iran currently has.
The more enterprising militant Islamic groups have hired U.S. marketing firms and are developing aggressive strategies and slogans to rival those of the U.S. military. Here are a few of the snappier ones:
- "Islam is the Shizlam!"
- "For you, we'll make it 73 virgins!"
- "Martyrdom is the new black!"
- "We're all about some collateral damage, bitches!"
As eager as ever to augment their numbers, terrorist groups are focusing on the skills and experience that their recruits will acquire. Such skills, Hazem argues, will prepare young jihadis for future careers in many fields, especially those involving the handling of explosives, making devises that require timers, crop dusting, cargo container inspection, hazardous material truck driving, and pharmaceuticals, to name a few.
Man in the street interviews:
To protest military recruiters is just silly. If you really believe that the country should have no army, you have the political means at your disposal, to promote and elect those representatives who would pass such a bill and vote on it. Disbanding the army would, of course, endanger all the other citizens, so such a measure would never get passed. That's because the Founding Fathers have given us the greatest fool-proof political system that protects us from this sort of inanity. And that is why these nutjobs want to change our system through non-constitutional means.
If you think logically, these protests can't be about gays in the military. They're about crippling America's ability to defend itself in a time of war. They think if America is hit hard enough they'll be able to change our system - at the cost of many thousand American lives. That's a criminal intent.
The "anti-war" label is misleading. These people aren't really against war - they're against America winning a war. With their Che Guevara shirts and all, they'll surely support a war that suits their ideology. Incidentally, a war that suits their ideology would be a war against America.
