6/18/2005, 5:08 pm
It has long been thought that Sean Penn was born the son of Leo Penn, a Hollywood director who defied the House Committee on Un-American Activities and was subsequently blacklisted. But shortly before the US invasion in Iraq the actor's mother confided in him that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" from a grocery on the corner.
His suspicions got bolstered by the strangely disturbing effect the U.S. Mideast policies had on his psyche. The more America flexed its military muscle, the more agitated the actor became. When he could bear it no more, he confronted his mother about his family roots.
"Are you my father?"
His visit, however, was cut short after Saddam's other sons, Uday and Qusay, demanded that Sean prove his relation to them in state-run rape rooms and torture cellars. "With all respect to diversity and multiculturalism," Penn confessed later in a story he wrote for the San Francisco Chronicle, "their noogies, wedgies, uppercuts, tooth-pulling, nail-slicing, and other manifestations of brotherly love did not feel even remotely familiar. Saddam was obviously not my father."
Sean Penn and Rafsanjani in Tehran, June 2005.
RAFSANJANI: "Sean, I am your Father! I have admired your work since the movie, 'At Close Range.' The dynamic between you and Christopher Walken was quite compelling."
The People's Cube found out why: the seized videotapes indeed confirmed Mr. Penn's hypothesis. On one of them, Rafsanjani is captured making the startling declaration: "Sean, I am your Father! I have admired your work since the movie, At Close Range. The dynamic between you and Christopher Walken was quite compelling."
The tapes also show father and son engaged in a tearful embrace, as well as the Iranian statesman giving his son a copy of a new "flush-proof" Koran, developed by the Ayatollah's top nuclear scientists.
Reflecting on his newly confirmed family ties, Penn was reportedly overheard saying, in a voice redolent of his memorable Jeff Spicoli character, "I guess it probably explains my, what's the word I'm looking for; um, oh yeah, propensity - my propensity toward violent outbursts and my need to put women in their place, like I did when I worked over that little tramp - you know, my former wife, Madonna. Under Dad's rule she'd be stoned to death if she tried to pull that cucumber-sucking shit over here."
Sources claim that he went on to note, "There was something about her song 'Like a Virgin' that strangely resonated with me. Who knew it was my destiny to become a martyr myself; then I'll get to 'touch' 72 virgins 'for the very first time'".
With fervor rising in his voice, Mr. Penn added, "That's what I call putting the horse before the cart! We've been doing it backwards for over 200 years and the ignorant American people will keep getting it wrong if they insist on electing Presidents who are uneducated, incurious, and have no knowledge of the thespian arts."
Asked about how he will deal with the fact that he now essentially has two fathers, Mr. Penn replied, "I think it's great; everyone should have two dads, or, two moms for that matter." These comments instantly won him praise from the non-partisan group, Gay and Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD).
