12/21/2007, 11:16 pm
Having been named 'Person of the Year 2007' by an American magazine that invariably supports progressive candidates, soon-to-be Russian ex-President, Vladimir Putin, is now listening to political consultants advising him to start a vigorous campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire as the strongest candidate on the Democratic ticket in 2008.
"Every Democratic contender promises to change America," says General Yezhov, a member of Putin PAC and Chairman of the Putin Presidential Exploratory Committee. "If change is what the Americans want, Putin can give it to them better than any other candidate. And trust me, it won't be some cosmetic do-over - it will be a change that's final and irreversible. We challenge all the activists who talk about change to put their money where their mouth is and support Vladimir Putin for American President."
I can't believe it! Why didn't Vlad tell me before I did that stupid show for Obama in Manchester?
Putin's Political Action Committee headquarters on Lubianka Square in Moscow.
Iowa Activist: I want the strongest candidate on the Democratic ticket in 2008 and Putin is it. I wish any of our Democrats could be half the man he is in dealing with the right-wing media.
"The values are the same, and so is the shared vision of massive government expansion to save the children from the dangers of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," continues General Yezhov. "And when the product is the same, salesmanship and experience take the priority. That's all what's left for your political observers to talk about - experience. And who's got more experience in expanding the power of the government than Putin? Who I ask?"
"Right now the American political experts are divided. One camp favors bigger experience with a wider sway typical of Hillary; the other camp fancies a new guy in Washington who has smaller experience but greater penetrating power which is what Obama is known for. With those conditions in play, the board is now set for us to declare that Putin has god-like experience, enormous - if not throbbing - penetrating power, and he'll be a new guy in Washington. So what are the pundits, the experts and the media consultants going to do? By their own standards, Putin is the ideal candidate for the Democratic primaries! He is a shoe-in for the nomination! A shoe-in!"
We met with General Yezhov in his office on Lubianka Square in Moscow, decorated with dull portraits of old Soviet leaders and a lively display of colorful English-language posters and buttons:
- Putin '08: He will bring stability to America
- Putin '08: No more partisan bickering!
- Putin '08: He means change!
- Putin '08: Cooler than Obama, More Experienced than Hillary
The General dismissed skepticism about the fact that Putin wasn't "technically" born in the United States. "What's the fabrication of another American birth certificate for the KGB paper factory? Patooey! Let's talk about real issues, like Hillary or Obama's experience!" The General issued a short and disciplined belly laugh.
"You know what the 'experience' argument between Hillary and Obama supporters reminds me of? It's like that quarrel over the best way to open an egg as described by the great Russian writer Jonathan Swift - from the big end or from the little end. They Hillary group are the Big Endians and the Obama group are the Little Endians. If that's what your choice of candidates boils down to - from which end it is better to open the Golden American Egg to suck dry - then Putin can crack the egg open from both ends simultaneously! His KGB training included a skill to shell a raw egg with only two fingers, without leaving a mess.
"Putin is everything your Democratic contenders can only dream of being and so much more! Nobody except him can bring political stability to America. Having analyzed reports in the American 'paper of record', The New York Times, within the last seven years of the Bush Administration, our experts have concluded that your country is devastated by Republican failures, weakened by partisan bickering, and is being ravaged by hateful mobs of 'fiscal conservatives' who are looking for an excuse to start another civil war. America needs stability - even more so than Russia!
"If we are to believe the American mainstream media - and I see no reason not to - Americans are ready for a benevolent foreign leader who will be strict but fair to his American subjects. Just think what he can do for your country with only a few edicts! The possibilities are endless!
"The Edict to Balance the Media and Unconfuse Public Perception will lead to a quick shutdown of Fox News and conservative talk radio, followed by a poisoning of Rush Limbaugh, a quiet assassination of Ann Coulter, and the jailing of Republican leadership with the subsequent nationalization of GOP funds. The debate is over, comrades! No more partisanship!
"The Total Employment and Rehabilitation Edict will give a chance to human refuse known as the 'right-wingers' to rehabilitate themselves through hard labor in Alaska, digging the world's longest canal between the Pacific and the Arctic Oceans. With millions of them living in the barracks, the housing problem on the mainland will fade away automatically and home foreclosures will cease to be. Financing for this project will be provided by tapping into the bank accounts of today's captains of industry who will be shoveling permafrost. The resulting overall prosperity will easily cover the cost of shipping surplus shovels from the Motherland.
"The Simple Vote Edict will be similar to Simple Tax; only instead of eliminating the IRS it will eliminate the Federal Election Commission. This will end once and for all the confusing need to know the distinction between the House and the Senate, the Elephant and the Donkey, the Capitol and the White House. The edict will rid us of the Electoral College and other excesses that frustrate the Democrat voting bloc. There will be only one Duma and only one Party, renamed into 'Americans United for Choice and Stability' - a utopian ideal for many of progressive activists.
"The Centralized Self-Governing Edict will abolish the costly and farcical gubernatorial elections. The liberated funds will then be used to build dachas for the loyal State Governors whom Putin will choose himself as he did in Mother Russia. That in turn will ensure a better cohesion of state economies with the federal Five Year Plans, thus eliminating the 'free-market' chaos and dubious capitalist 'creativity.' A tighter government control over industries will release additional funds into the hands of other distinguished apparatchiks who will thus reward themselves for the selfless service to the people and the President.
"The No War for Oil Edict will nationalize American oil companies and end their tyrannical reign over the world. While this triumph of progress will be deafeningly celebrated by people who believe that Big Oil was the main cause of wars and violence, Putin will quietly sell American weapons to Syria, Hamas, Hezbollah, and Iran, helping to achieve a peaceful and final solution in that war-torn region. With the destruction of Israel and America's unilateral disarmament, an everlasting peace will ensue; it shall be known as Pax Putinia.
"The Kazakhstanization of Arizona Edict will bring civilization to the American wastelands of Arizona and New Mexico by rerouting the Mississippi River into the Arizona Desert. One doesn't have to be a cartographer to see the unfairness of the current system under which the Gulf of Mexico has too much water while Arizona has none. It's time we made Big Gulf of Mexico share its vast water wealth so that the Southwest can become the new Tselina (Virgin Land) - just like Kazakhstan. It will grow corn for the American Motherland to be distilled into ethanol, whose importance will only increase due to the failure of nationalized oil industries.
"The Edict to Improve Economic Indicators will ensure that America's prosperity will continue to be fabulous and immeasurable despite the bureaucratic mismanagement and economic sabotage by the people's enemies. The only government-approved economic indicator left in place will be the perception of the economy by the New York Times editorial board - just like in the Golden Age of Bill Clinton!
"The Minimum Wage Tax Edict will simplify the tax system by making everyone a government employee, with automatic wage deductions for new glorious projects. A standardized universal minimum wage will be a welcomed change from the stressful need to count dependents and file tax returns.
"The Total Health Edict will bring you a standardized universal healthcare plan by forcing doctors and pharmacists to work for the standardized universal minimum wage. A few widely publicized show trials of "white coat criminals" will subdue the rest of the greedy scoundrels with knowledge of the medical field. We know that progressive mass media will cooperate; they already can't wait to lay their hands on pharmaceutical companies. The ACLU will also be standing by at our disposal.
"The Social Security Reduction Edict may not be even required, as the advancement of standardized universal healthcare should quickly reduce the number of freeloaders surviving past pension age.
"The immigration issue will also wither away as there will no longer be an opportunity left for any laborer - foreign or domestic - to be outside of the government hierarchy and state-assigned residency system. As Americans are expected to start fleeing to Cuba and Mexico, The Border Minefield Edict may be required, which would place landmines and heavily armed patrols on the southern border to prevent the outward movement of people and the depletion of the federal workforce.
"The Guns Kill People Edict will establish a no-trial-needed death penalty for gun ownership, lest the selfish American kulaks get any ideas about resisting the will of the people represented by exacting Party apparatchiks. Come to think of it, a constitutional amendment about the separation of guns and people should be announced by a special edict on our very first day in office to ensure that we survive all the other edicts and live to see the next term, and then the next term, and the next term after that.
"Vote Putin - do it for the children!"
