7/27/2005, 1:36 am
Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness
New York firefighters perform random dousing of
one house per neighborhood per week.
Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves."
Starting next week, municipal randomness will be implemented as follows:
Doctors randomly treating
tooth pain
Kelly: "If we're all suspects,
then no one is a suspect,
and no one will feel hurt."
- The Fire Department will douse random houses according to a strict formula of one house per neighborhood per week. A spokesman said, "Since it will be random, we'll soak a real fire every so often. It's inevitable."
- The Sanitation Department will remove random property from people's homes. Commissioner Doherty said, "Sometimes, we'll take away your garbage. But other times, we might tow your car. All depends on the throw of the dice." He emphatically denied rumors that people would be kidnapped from their driveways, however. "But if we did, I can assure you it would be random."
- City Hospitals will treat patients for random diseases. Most often, patients will receive treatment for heart attacks and cancer, but it will be done without bias towards their actual malady. Medical authorities feel that such an approach will not, for instance, stigmatize stroke patients with stroke care. And they feel that when heart-attack patients receive a random treatment of chemotherapy, they will be more sensitized to the ordeals of cancer patients - or at least those cancer patients who aren't treated for appendicitis.
- Mayor Bloomberg will invest his money in a random fashion. Said The Mayor: "I'll spin the wheel at Atlantic City to see what I should do with my money. And with any luck, the random outcome will have me spend it all right there with Mr. Trump."
Others have caught "random fever" as well. ACLU President Nadine Strossen announced that her legal group already began defending random causes. She pointed out that "it's just so equitable and non-discriminatory." Their first random cause, selected by drawing straws, will be to defend a group of young men who blow up abortion clinics. Strossen said, "That will be a little out of character for us - but then, we already defended Nazis. The transition will be easy."
