6/14/2008, 2:03 pm
With the refrain that "it is all Bush's fault" echoing through the halls, it was little surprise that the New-Age Faiths offered their unanimous endorsement to Senator Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign.
"Here we have a true Lightworker," explained Alexis Virago, High Harridan of the Church of the Holy Hooter (commonly known as the Boobtists). "He is probably not really human, or at least not totally human; I suspect that his father was a spiritual being residing temporarily in physical form in order to accomplish The Obama's incarnation."
"We look with favor upon the nomination," pronounced Hans Bedlamite, leader of the Goreman delegation. "We feel that it in fact is more of an anointing than a nomination, that the divine hand of Mother Gaia is at work here. He has promised that He will consult with the Goremans on all ecological policies, and with that we are wonderfully pleased."
"The Church of the Holy Hooter embraces The Obama despite his gender," confirmed Virago. "He may have a phallus, but his wife is a speaker of Truth to Power. We hope that she will join us in our rituals one day, but we are happy enough to have such a strong woman behind the throne. We expect an immediate withdrawal of American troops from Iraq, Afghanistan and all bases in San Francisco. We further prophesy that an immediate reign of Peace will follow this shining accomplishment, that all violence will cease, that the Religion of Peace will heal the rifts in the Middle East that were only created with the illegal American invasion of this peaceful region."
-The Boobtist pavilion was resplendent with no less then seventeen pairs of bared breasts. Their literature (which was a welcome diversion from the acolytes) explained that through the sacrament of exposing a pair of sagging, leathery dugs, the believer could lead the apostate to Truth. At the sight of the Holy Hooter their eyes will be opened and they will see the Truth that Bush is Hitler and anyone that has ever even thought of voting Rethuglikkkan will be condemned to everlasting damnation. To be bra-less is to be sinless.
-The Percustionals had a noisy display set up, where they drummed for World Peace, Environmental Awareness and Loose Change. "We'll believe just about anything anyone tells us, as long as they are from Holy Wood!" shouted Moonbeam Whalesong. "They have taught us that every single thing that Amerikkka has ever done is wrong and stuff! Have you got any spare money so I can go to Starbucks?!"
-The Maotheodists had a small display in one corner, touting the deification of the chairman. There was a bit of friction evident between them and the Fifth-Year-Plan Adventists. "We have a mausoleum and a glass coffin, and we still have our own country," observed Xian Gri-la, People's Guardian of the Shining Path of Sacred Mysteries. "Who are the real Communists here?"
"What we are seeing here is merely the inevitable progression of history as initiated by the first People's religion, Leninism," he explained over a glass of sacramental wine after we had settled into chairs. "Once the vanguard of the People pioneered the methods it was as inevitable as the success of Socialism that fellow travelers would seek Truth through alternative means." He admitted privately that many of the new denominations were populated by "useful fools" who would of course require theological reeducation once the Great Satan had been cast down. "And besides," he added conspiratorially, "We believe all religion to be an outdated collection of superstitions, except for our progressive Muslim brothers, of course; despite their ridiculous belief in a God they did not manufacture, they do show a healthy contempt for so-called 'Western Civilization.' What we are after here is simply a tool to keep the proles distracted..." He might have said more had we not been joined by the Goremon representative at this point.
But unlike the Christians, who used to burn people at the stake for heresy (and trust me, that pack of Fascists would be at it again in a heartbeat if we didn't keep them under close supervision, and they wouldn't even buy carbon offsets) we believe in the absolute right of every individual to agree with every word that comes from the mouth of the Goracle without question. The only people we want to silence are those dangerous counter-revo -er, misguided tools of the establishment that demand to 'see the raw data' or who question the 'methodology of the study.' Those who question the revealed wisdom of the Goracle must be stopped from spreading their wicked lies. Oh, and it's all Bush's fault."
With a rosy new dawn lightening the horizon, it seems that a New Age of aroused consciousness and spiritual evolution has arrived with the nomination of The Obama. Soon all dissent shall cease-by law, if necessary-health will abound, waters will run pure and clear, and peace shall descend. All due to the arrival of the Lightworker.
ohmigod! The Obama is about to be sucked up by an alien tractor beam! Hurry comrades, DO SOMETHING!
