The People's Cube - Political Satire

Crowds Scream as Ferguson Mows for Gold

In a stunning upset here at Beijing, Lamar Ferguson of Marietta, GA, won gold in the men's 3/4 acre lawnmower event over the heavily favored Mexican champion, Pedro Rodriguez.

Our special correspondent Blogunov, who is in Beijing making sure that all events receive equal coverage, interviewed Ferguson for the People's Cube.

Blogunov: Lamar, that was one intense race. You must be awfully proud.

Lamar: Sure am.

Blogunov: What would you say was the turning point of the race for you?

Lamar: I think it was when I passed that Chinese feller after the weed trimmin' leg, and we was all scramblin' to git to our mowers. Now he come in third and got bronze and all, but they throwed him out cause he was disqualified for usin' a self propelled mower. Plus they sent them Public Security Bureau people after him to get him to run faster. They was wavin' clubs and yellin' in Chinese and all, so I guess they was tryin' to motorvate him or some such thang.

Blogunov: Now it was at that point that you nearly lost the race, also.

Lamar: You got that right. That Chinese feller didn't even have no mulch plug on his mower like he was supposed to, so when I pass him I got a face full of grass clippins so's I couldn't see real good. That got me all disorientated and I stepped in a hole and hurt my knee real bad just like what I done back in Athens four years ago.

Blogunov: And that was when Pedro took a commanding lead. Tell me, how did you find it in yourself to make that last sprint?

Lamar: Well with half the crowd shoutin' "USA!" and half the crowd shoutin' "Si se puede," like I found out later, I thought they was all shoutin' "USA!" Well, that done got me pumped up and I was determined as all git out to push that mower past the finish line first, and I done it.

Blogunov: Tell me, Lamar, just what was your strategy?

Lamar: Well me and my coach we talked a lot about that, and we decided that the best way to win was to git across that finish line ahead of all them other fellers. Worked, too.

Blogunov: That is simply brilliant. Now I understand you had to let go your last coach.

Lamar: Oh, yeah, you got that right. He was goin' on about how I needed to meet with the other contestants and negotiate a way to see if everybody but 'merica could have a equal share of the gold medal. That just didn't sound right to me, so I fired him and found me a new coach. Now my old coach is runnin' for president. Small world.

Blogunov: You had also had another disagreement with your old coach. Tell us about that.

Lamar: Yeah, he said that I oughta inflate the tars on my mower to go faster, and I said, "Look, man, them tars is solid plastic. You can't inflate them!" Well, I never could get him to see it right, so it's a good thang I found me somebody else. He don't even know how many states there is, neither.

Blogunov: You and Pedro have been rivals as far back as the games in Sydney. How do you get along off the lawn?

Lamar: Oh, shoot, we git along real good. I mean we git out there to win, that's fer sure, but he invites me to piñatas, and I invite him to barbeques and automatic weapons shoots, so we're buds.

Blogunov: Have you picked up any endorsements, and will that change your lifestyle in any way?

Lamar: Oh, yeah. I got a contract with Nike and with Junior's Tractor Parts and Service cause they wanna use my picture. They even use that there digital technolergy so's it looks like I got all my teeth. Me and the missus is seriously lookin' at gettin' us a double wide.

Blogunov: Mr. Ferguson, congratulations, and thank you for your time.

Lamar: My pleasure. Don't be a stranger, now, we'll leave the light on for ya.

Having won gold in both the 3/4 acre event and the men's posthole dig, Mr. Ferguson is contemplating retiring from Olympic lawn care and trying his hand at tractor pulls.

I hope that if these are Soviet tractors that there will be back-up John Deere tractors because I do not have more than a week to watch a tractor pull, waiting for a replacement engine from Vladivostok.

You should have asked him if patriotism is uncool in today's world and whether or not loving one's country is "by gone" and, well, silly... just really, really silly.

Go China!

Are you sure, Meow? After all they're <i>paying</i> people to sit in those seats. You don't pay, you threaten. Say with limiting them to 1/2 child per couple. Ask Herod how.

There are unconfirmed reports trickling out of Beijing that Ferguson's win may be tainted by the specter of illegal “juicing.”

An initial post-race investigation has shown the gas tank of Ferguson's John Deer contains traces of STP Octane Booster, a substance officially banned by the IOC.

Yet another example of the Capitalistic “win at all costs” mentality?

For shame!

Mac, there is the added difficulty that the John Deere is the second cousin to Meow's tramp ex-wife Helen, the toaster.

are you guys following the ditch digging and brick laying relays? Pretty intense stuff. The Chinese have the advantage due to rigorous training in local sweat shops.

I'm waiting for the Chinese biathlon. Cross-country skiing and shooting a political prisoner in the back of the neck.

Let me direct your attention to the earlier thread, China Releases List of Easy People To Beat Up, in which various other events have been mentioned, like the lead paint child toy relay and lead-enriched fingerpainting, along with other trivia, like the favorite Olympic meal, "Wok Fried Monk" Summer games special $2.99.

Comrade Hasan wrote:
New red sports exclusive to the commie Olympics:

- The great leap forward long jump

- 100 meter death camp dash

- synchronized digging

- The great Polo Purge

- Diving for dissidents

- cross country cultural revolution

- Gulag Wrestling

- goose-step relay (all distances)

and China's newest event....

- the Tibetan Buddhist Monk Toss

Doug Ross wrote:

<a href="https://bp3.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... .jpg"><img src="https://bp3.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... a-logo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5183525796176169890" border="1"></a><br>China has decided to introduce a series of new Olympic events for this year's summer games. The new contests include:<br><br><center><a href="https://bp2.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... .jpg"><img src="https://bp2.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... a-monk.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5183525723161725842" border="1"></a><br>Whack-a-Monk!<br><br><a href="https://bp3.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... .jpg"><img src="https://bp3.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... nk-run.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5183525641557347202" border="1"></a><br>50-Yard Tank Dash<br><br><a href="https://bp0.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... .jpg"><img src="https://bp0.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... secret.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5183525559952968562" border="1"></a><br>Trade-secret speed copying<br><br><a href="https://bp1.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... .jpg"><img src="https://bp1.blogger.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/R- ... g-book.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5183525461168720738" border="1"></a><br>Falun Gong book burning<br><br>Speaking of secrets, it's no secret which country is favored to win the Gold Medals in these new events.

Am wondering how member of party in menial position like mine got mower? Am still using shovel and it is hard to scythe with.

Next time try hammer and sickle. I forget which one is for scything and which one is for crushing the fingertips of people's enemies, but you'll figure it out in the process: the one that doesn't effectively crush stupid capitalist fingers must be the one you can safely mow your lawn with.

I used hammer to beat in edge of shovel to make sort of sickle and in process crushed finger of helper. Points?

Guardian of Pravda wrote:I used hammer to beat in edge of shovel to make sort of sickle and in process crushed finger of helper. Points?

NEVER dull edge for shovel under any circumstance!!!

SMO!!???? Ready boomski!!

Mac the Poputchik wrote:There are unconfirmed reports trickling out of Beijing that Ferguson's win may be tainted by the specter of illegal “juicing.”

An initial post-race investigation has shown the gas tank of Ferguson's John Deer contains traces of STP Octane Booster, a substance officially banned by the IOC.

Yet another example of the Capitalistic “win at all costs” mentality?

For shame!

I hear it was juiced up cajun spiced ethanol. I have a better use for the corn.

Guardian of Pravda wrote:

Mac the Poputchik wrote:There are unconfirmed reports trickling out of Beijing that Ferguson's win may be tainted by the specter of illegal “juicing.”

An initial post-race investigation has shown the gas tank of Ferguson's John Deer contains traces of STP Octane Booster, a substance officially banned by the IOC.

Yet another example of the Capitalistic “win at all costs” mentality?

For shame!

I hear it was juiced up cajun spiced ethanol. I have a better use for the corn.

Did it have any Peoplespeak™ in it?

Da.
Eliminated ten words. Reduced to 'Have a Drink.

I too have a better use for the corn. It is to fuel the Goracle's yacht Bio-Solar One. What matter if Mexicans starve?

Starving Mexicans!!! What an excellent idea, Commissar Doctor!!!! Another cause for our puppets in the Democratic Party™ to <s>whine and snivel about</s> champion! I'll call the DNC HQ later in the morning and issue the orders for them to get on this right away.

--
ZB

The problem, though, Zampolit, is that here in Texas a lot of the Mexicans do things like, er, work. I have some working at my dacha now, Rancho de Rio Grande, and at my sweatshop here, and they're doing what they're supposed to do and not whining.

<i>This must stop</i>! How can we represent people who aren't always pissed off?

Commissar Doctor Theocritus said ... wrote:The problem, though, Zampolit, is that here in Texas a lot of the Mexicans do things like, er, work. I have some working at my dacha now, Rancho de Rio Grande, and at my sweatshop here, and they're doing what they're supposed to do and not whining.

Yeah, but they breed like rabbits! You won't run out of cheap laborers!

Commissar Doctor Theocritus wondered ... wrote: <i>This must stop</i>! How can we represent people who aren't always pissed off?

Easy. Steal their money Raise their taxes to spend on welfare. Tell the stingy bastards its for The Common Good™.

The problem, esteemed colleague, is that in this town over half of the people are on some form of welfare, and it's 85% hispanic.

A local county commissioner maintained his power base, when each precinct had its own road crew, by hiring a member of a family, keeping him on long enough to qualify for unemployment, firing him, and going on between families. The county had huge unemployment taxes but so what?

A man after my heart.

Wait! That's coming out of <i>my</i> pocket.

I hear that he's favored to take the gold in the 2 acre marathon as well......

Will he be featured in the Bush Hog triathalon?

Favored, schmavored. If there's money, we get it. Grow up, comrades. That's what it's all about.

And by the way, Alexander Nevsky, I play parts of the eponymous Sergei Prokofieff whenever I want to scare Bruno. He screams, "Oh god! It's <i>The Omen</i>!"

Personally I think it's because Damien looks like a little Kennedy.

Or Kerry. Scary. eh?
Sergei was self titled? Can I do that? Will it get me out of the shoveling business?

Guardian, you never get out of the shoveling business. What you shovel may vary, depending on your progress in the party. Beets, dirt, shit, whatever. Just climb the food chain until you are able to see the sole of my boot and then stop like a good little prole.

Boots? You have boots? Everyone has riches. When the Glorious Sun leader from the Land of the Saladin achieves prominence as the Sultanate leader of the Muslim Democratic party all will be equal as none will have change and only those with it can afford boots. We can hope those boots fit. This is hope we can change for.

Guardian, when the Obamessiah is anointed, all will have all--except for some who will have a little bit more. And those who have the most will be the ones with most attitude.

Ahh...Senators.

Bear in mind that in Imperial Rome Caligula had his horse made into a Senator. And you thought that Harry Reid was the first one.

He was ass of one anyway. Da.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Bear in mind that in Imperial Rome Caligula had his horse made into a Senator. And you thought that Harry Reid was the first one.

If only we could get him in a purple robe...

Or dress him in the red of a bride. Wait. That was Nero.

We could have Caligula turn the palace into a whorehouse with the patricians' wives. Wait. That's Capitol Hill. With your wives.

Perhaps he should fiddle as D.C. burns, and then blame the Republicans.

Where was he on 9/11, come to think of it?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Where was he on 9/11, come to think of it?

Party Hq's?

"Here's to you, Abdullah. You can't drink anyway. Not for, oh, another 15 minutes."

There should be a political elections card game.
"I play this race card on California!"
"Is that so... In that case.... I'll play this military history card."
"That card is obviously a fake. No one can have thirty purple hearts and still be alive."
"Oh, well, if that's how you want to play... then I'll play MY race card! It's super-effective against you're obvious racial discrimination!"

Card Ideas- Forged Political Records: place under your other political history cards while you're opponent is not looking. Wins 20 delegates. Doublespeak- Take two positions on an issue simultaneously. Random accusations- you're opponent must skip his next turn to fight baseless accusations.

Random accusations- you're opponent must skip his next turn to fight baseless accusations.

I thought that was what was done already. I mean, what does, or did, Dan Rather do but that?

Private Pravda wrote:

Guardian of Pravda wrote:I used hammer to beat in edge of shovel to make sort of sickle and in process crushed finger of helper. Points?

NEVER dull edge for shovel under any circumstance!!!

SMO!!???? Ready boomski!!

Comrade Private (SAF Marshal) Pravda,

Forgive my tardiness - as you know I have been much overtaken dealing with other matters, but this is certainly serious and must not wait... The Party's precious shovels should never be abused, and particulary not to make sickles which the Cube is rife with... Our shovels must always be kept sharp - this is the second rule of The Peoples Cube (the first is, "you do no speak of the Peoples Cube"... oh... wait... I think maybe that was a movie)... so... well... it is A rule of The Peoples Cube, and since sickles already exist in abundance and may be sharpened if dull, it is sheer wanton destruction to destroy a perfectly good shovel to make a sickle... Further, given that if one's shovel is properly sharpened it is sharp enough to act as a sickle, it is doubly criminal... as if the crushing of a "helper's" (?) finger is of consequence! Peh!... why does Guardian of Pravda require a 'helper'... the term 'helper' denotes an inequality of status that is anathema to the Party's most dearly held beliefs.

I am sharpening my broom as we speak and the "Limo" is warming up... Please let me know if, after my untimely response, this issue is not yet resolved and I will move it to "high priority" status...

Character Counts!, Character Counts!, Character Counts!,
Sister Massively Opiated
Kommissar of Housekeeping and Handi-capable cheerleader...

ps.... Comrade Private SAF Marshal Pravda... I believe some reward may be in order for the dedication to the Party that you show in bringing this to our attention... I will see that our Great Leader, the Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid, is made aware of your self-less devotion to your duty to monitor your fellow Cubists... Good Snitc... Catch!

But that does not mean that you may not dull them. For I have recently taken over a shovel-sharpening business which is run out of a sweatshop in the Rancho del Rio Grande. The coyotes deposit the new aspiring workers with me for a medical checkup where they earn their checkup.

By sharpening shovels.

Red Square wrote:Next time try hammer and sickle. I forget which one is for scything and which one is for crushing the fingertips of people's enemies, but you'll figure it out in the process: the one that doesn't effectively crush stupid capitalist fingers must be the one you can safely mow your lawn with.

Glorious Red Square,

May I obsequiously offer that no kolkhoz or sovkhoz is complete without also having a Peoples Ice Pick (I would include an image were I at home and had access to proper grafiks and ftp applikations... apologies, though I believe you are familiar with the implement) in its arsenal of tools, and which may be used for both the planting of seeds and the tilling of Trotskyites. Are lawns not a Kulak affectation?

In need of doktrinal clarifikation
Sister Massively Opiated

Commissar Theocritus wrote:But that does not mean that you may not dull them. For I have recently taken over a shovel-sharpening business which is run out of a sweatshop in the Rancho del Rio Grande. The coyotes deposit the new aspiring workers with me for a medical checkup where they earn their checkup.

By sharpening shovels.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

I congratulate you on your new endeavour - freeing our southern brothers and sisters from the slave-state that Mexico has become in the name of Kapitalist driven so-called 'free trade', rather than the workers' paradise envisioned by such thinkers as Diego Rivera, &tc. &tc... Nevertheless, can shovels not be dulled by proper use and then resharpened, leaving to you also the job of sharpening scythes and even ice picks... that way the shovel 'lives' another day, to be dulled by hard work on the Party's behalf, then to be sharpened by your 'workers'... and so too the scythe and the ice pick... why change a shovel into a scythe, unless, of course, you have also undertaken to create a metal smith's shop as well, as may be the case given your location...

Just wondering...
SMO

Sister, this is but a training ground for my ultimate endeavor. The production of a tool sharp enough to pry a single penny of Our Many Titted Empress's <i>own money</i> out of her clenched trotters.

It may be more beneficial to convert your farming tools into weapons to battle the horrific capitalist opression. I would reccommend skewering large amounts of money in order to "stop the vicious spread of wealth and prosperity". You could easily use a scythe to slice wallets, and a rake to gather the remaining peices into a pile to be burned. You could use the shovels to bury this money as well (this is actually an ancient tactic used by pirates.)

Hoard it? Hell if I will. I intend to <i>spend</i> the shit out of it. After all, there's more where it came from. The taxpayer.

Ah, he's using the new tractors from the tractor factory just finished last week from the fire in downtown Moscow. A new glorious tractor factory I might add.

Aren't the new tractors being made by Suburu? After all they have a commercial advertising how green their plant is and which says nothing whatsoever about the cars.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Aren't the new tractors being made by Suburu? After all they have a commercial advertising how green their plant is and which says nothing whatsoever about the cars.

Hmm. . . if they were true Ecocommies (Econazis on the politically correct side) they'd make no cars, or lawnmowers, or anything that runs on gasoline and just watch as our lawns grow and grow with weeds and forest trees.

But charge us for them anyway. And insist on biodiesel to run things that they don't make to that they can starve the Mexicans.

"Where are they now?"

Olympic Lawnmower Ferguson continues vigorous training...