8/28/2005, 2:38 pm
Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day.
"Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!"
"Just look at how warm it is," exclaimed Hillary Clinton, the senator-turned-climatologist from New York. "I mean, it's August in Alaska and all I need is a pashmina at night!"
"She [Sen. Clinton] was also struck by what she heard from a 93-year-old woman she had met at a fish camp at Whitehorse, Yukon. The woman told her she had been fishing there her whole life but that lately the fish had strange bumps on them. 'It's just heartbreaking to see the devastation,' said Clinton."
Already in Washington, Sen. Clinton called for President Bush and Dick Cheney to discuss global warming with this wise 93-year-old woman, and develop an energy policy that the fisherwoman finds appropriate:
The elderly fisherwoman, now a political pundit and star, is currently sought after for mall openings and personal appearances. Affectionately dubbed the "Native Mother Sheehan" by environmental activists, she has been camped outside of the Governors mansion in Juneau with several bumpy fish and a megaphone. CNN and Time magazine are planning round-the-clock coverage of her protest.
"If years of scientific research could not prove what we've just easily proven on a three-day trip, it can only mean that we are under-funding our scientific institutions," stated Sen. Clinton who is the leading contender in the next U.S. presidential election.
Both Senators shrugged off a skeptical Fox News reporter who questioned the validity of looking for signs of warming in the month of August. Not one to suffer fools gladly, Ms. Clinton retorted, "One must be a complete idiot to visit Alaska in the winter, it'll be freakin' freezing out there! Do I look like an idiot to you?" she said to cheers and applause from many mainstream media journalists.
The dynamic empirical duo went on to dismiss researchers who doubt that anything other than normal, cyclical climate change is occurring. "I am sick and tired of hearing that the climate is constantly shifting as a result of millions of factors," Ms. Clinton complained. "Capitalist pollution and American over-indulgence are the only causes; to say otherwise is to deny years of activism and subversive propaganda!"
Senator Clinton gathers scientific evidence concerning the global warming trend. "I know a globally warmed fish when I see one."Employing her formidable diplomatic skills, Ms. Clinton convinced the Inuit diner owner to part with the globally warmed, mutant fish for $150. It has since been reported that the junior senator from New York was perplexed when the whole place erupted with laughter as she and her handlers were exiting the building.
"The inevitable conclusion is," Ms. Clinton went on to say, "we must move the remaining industries left in the United States farther down south where it's already warm anyway. I also find interesting John McCain's proposal to install window air conditioners in all Alaskan residences backwards, so that while heating people's homes, they would also cool down the habitat for other species."
"We make a great scientific team," Senator McCain noted. "Now that we've succeeded in connecting global warming to the gluttony of American taxpayers, we might as well try and disprove that a bowling ball and a feather fall at the same rate in a vacuum. There's no way that's true," the maverick senator from Arizona said while Ms. Clinton chortled: "That's just another absurdity waiting to be debunked. As my teacher used to say, a lie repeated often enough becomes the truth. And that's why American voters elected us into office!"
