The People's Cube - Political Satire

Do Not View These Bourgeois Images

Comrade Maksim, while I find the message of the posters reactionary, I must say the artwork is excellent.

I imagine, from the perspective of a conservative, all I could add about the 'Life & Liberty' poster is "two out of three ain't bad".

This is reactionary heresy! The message from the last election is that Amerikka does not want to be protected from terrorism if doing so makes others unhappy! We do not life and liberty if having these makes the rest of the world dislike us. Don't you read the newspapers??? Oh, I feel so guilty that this country elected this vile and evil demon twice. Curse you, Commissar Maksim! These gruesome images are killing my marijuana rhododendron plants. I think I'm having a spell.... Calling Obama! Emergency, code pink! Aaaacccckkkk.....

Yes this robbing the terrorist of their rights to kill and injure is just plain wrong. Terrorist need jobs too. History will remember President Bush as a Big Fat Meanie.

Conversely History will remember Obago with the reverence of Peanut Carter.

Holy crap dude, I just spit my vodka ration all over my monitor! Time to go liberate a new one but please, don't scare me like that in the future.

Am agreeing with Comrade Whoopie. Artwork is excellent!

Collective calm is needed here. I'm sure Commissar Maksim is just reminding us of the Evil that is Bush. Mission accomplished.

He did provide a warning label "Do Not View These Bourgeois Images".

Yes, terrorists need jobs too, but it is discriminatory to call them terrorists. Take a page from Reuters who call them freedom fighters. Or something like that. For one man's bondage is another man's freedom--unless it's America which as we know holds the entire world in bondage.

If it weren't for America, Afghani women would all be wearing burqas. Afghani women would not have medical care, except for a male doctor calling out instructions through a keyhole to an untrained woman doing the work.

And if it weren't for America, Saddam Hussein would still be controlling the population of the evilest thing on earth, homo sapiens, with his huge human garbage grinder with the rotating blades.

If it weren't for America, Africa would not have those AIDS drugs, which are, as we all know, merely a method for oppressive Big Pharma to get rich.

God DAMN America!

Good Afternoon Commissar,

Yes, my dear Commissar, Bushitler does control the oppressive Big Pharma, and the drugs are not really to combat the AIDS epidemic, but to sterilize the masses, ie.: Bushitler's cruel campaign is for population control,

There is cause for hope, because it doesn't seem to be working very well.

You're right, Che--and the people who are killed by the Bushitler will be made into Soylent Green. This will satisfy Howard Zinn and Paul Krugman, who call for increasing investment in the economy. Is there anything more selfless than investing your body to be made into food?

(off)
Give it time and Bush's legacy will come to light, and yet morons will still blame him.

What's this sickening filth doing on my Cube? This cult-of-personality agitprop from the digitally lobotomized, Faux News addicted, knuckle-dragging 23 percenters who worship Bush, lick Bush's boots, and drool over the idea of him refusing to leave office next Tuesday?

These are the same blind, deaf, not to mention totally DUMB rightard Bush-is-a-demigod idiots who buy up Bush commemorative coins and plates and collectors' trains--CHOO-CHOO! Let's chug-chug-choo-choo our country into the dark tunnel and down the toilet all thanks to Bush. Well, looks like you slobbering neocons finally ran out of track. Too bad. Bush should be tied down to them so he can be run over by his own train wreck of an administration.

Sheesh, Maksim. You forgot the rays of sunlight and the rainbows and the unicorns and the happy little dancing forest animals. Why not perch a chirpy little bluebird on Bush's shoulder? Oh, and don't forget the children and the babies. Bush just loves unaborted babies, but will he give them free health care for life?

I hereby denounce you, Maksim. Report to my office immediately, so you can get what's coming to you. And give me your boots so they can be reissued. You won't be needing them after I'm done with you. NOW!



And another thing, Maksim . . .


Make that every week.

Thank you, Maksim.

xoxo

Good work, Maksim.

My boots??? I have no boots Pinkie, I threw them at Bush.


LMAO! Pinkie
Thanks everyone.

OOC:

Awesome, dude. Exquisitely awesome.

IC:

Comrade, I feel that you may need a visit to the Edward Kennedy School of Thought Reform.

Never fear comrades. Once the evil Bushitler is gone, Obama will talk to the terrorists . . . uh, I mean freedom fighters, and then . . . and then . . . oh f*ck.

Great Stalin's Ghost wrote:Never fear comrades. Once the evil Bushitler is gone, Obama will talk to the terrorists . . . uh, I mean freedom fighters, and then . . . and then . . . oh f*ck.

Oh heck! Bad news on that front comrades. This afternoon, I caught a few moments of The One's speech at the <s>Obama</s> Lincoln Memorial. He actually acknowledged that the country was at WAR! Worse still, he didn't qualify it with "Bush's illegal, immoral war for oil and profit™". What in the hell is going on here? We were supposed to be loved by the world, war would stop, the rising seas would recede and Utopia would be upon us. Late last week, a FISA review court upheld Bush's use of illegal wire tapping of innocent <s>terrorists'</s> grandmothers' phone conversations! Pelosi is demanding immediate repeal of Bush's tax cuts for the rich, while The One seems reluctant to do it.


Me thinks that El Presidente' -elect has spent some time getting security briefings and finding what's really going outside of the constant rhetorical scream and howl of the media and the leftist blogs. There seems to a creeping Clinton-esque pragmatism running through the Obama administration. We'll see, of course but it has been interesting to watch how much more subdued His Highness has become in recent weeks.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Sheesh, Maksim. You forgot the rays of sunlight and the rainbows and the unicorns and the happy little dancing forest animals. Why not perch a chirpy little bluebird on Bush's shoulder? Oh, and don't forget the children and the babies. Bush just loves unaborted babies, but will he give them free health care for life?

You mean, like this one here?

I find the Bushitler tribute to be quite fitting for the Proletariat. It is a day of mourning, in much the same way the repeal of Prohibition was something of a let-down for the Kennedy family.

Freedom fighters DO need someone to fight against to validate themselves...at least Bushitler gave them some real competition. I fear that the days of Obamessiah will only give them the option of opium junkies locally, and "don't ask, don't tell" Bruno-loving Section-8 candidates exported from the US Military-Industrial complex.

If we consider His O'liness's associates we can only assume that he's utterly unprincipled, or that he's stupid (which he is not) or that he is a lightweight, who, being an affirmative-action baby, never had to make difficult choices. People say that this job is too big for on-the-job training but every president got it. I still get the feeling that he is a puppet.

Q: What is the cone of silence? Seriously. Thanks

Back to the topic, isn't "popularity" a bad thing? I believe that everything that is popular is wrong (Like McDonald's). The only things that are popular and good for The Common Good(tm) are sex, drugs, and anything that's popular among the Party members.

Comrade Jay,

A: Same as "character off"

The only bad things are what the Party declares bad. The only good is what we say is good. The MSM then broadcasts our truth to the masses.

In other words do as we say, not as we do. These are the simple truths of the Party. Individual thought about what is good or bad is very dangerous and could lead to a re-education camp in your future.

Happy Eve of Obama Comrade,

Skinnee Jay, Mark Twain said, "When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to reform." There is a lot of herd mentality of course. McDonald's is utterly vile, as is hip-hop. But when the movie <i>Amadeus</i> came out Mozart was popular for a while and there is NOTHING wrong with Mozart. If it's popular there's nothing wrong with being predisposed against it but still in every case you have to apply your own judgment.

Then there are things which are popular, but may not be understood right. The idea of freedom is popular but I'm not sure that people understand it. They sure as hell don't vote as though they do.

And Cone of Silence comes from the sixties sitcom <I>Get Smart</i> where Don Adams plays Maxwell Smart, an idiot secret agent. Anytime he needs to have a secret conversation with his boss, Chief, Edward Platt, he insists on this huge lucite thing coming down over their heads and it always screws up. A cultural icon here.

Great, now The Evil One is now coming to his new home here in Dallas. Erecting Gates to keep the unwashed masses out.You sure hes not Party Material?

:::: Ducks and runs out of the room :::::





In all seriousness, Dallas just became a bigger target than before. Aint it great !

{off}And W is coming by his old home in Midland just to say hello. They're utterly delighted about that.

<off>
Just wish he really had done 'whatever was necessary'. Imagine the pants wetting!
</off>

<On>
UNBELIEVER! DOUBLE-PLUS UNGOOD!

BUSH HAS LEFT US SO BAD OFF THAT 'THE ONE^TM' HAS ONLY FOUR YEARS TO SAVE THE PLANET FROM DESTRUCTION!! WE HAVE RECORD TEMPERATURES EVERYWHERE!!

Obamarchy, do not fret. His O'liness is assured another election and that ought to be enough for Progressive luminaries like Professor Kurgman to convince the rest of the world, with their lofty intellects and nonpareil insights, that democracy is just <i>so</i> wasteful and useless that we won't bother with another election.

So His O'liness will remain elevated on the Throne of Washington.

[Off]President Bush won't miss the job but he'll be missed[/Off]

In end he came over to dark, um socialist, uh Progressive side. The One shall purge all that is uh, Bush.

Comrade_Elliott wrote:(off)
Give it time and Bush's legacy will come to light, and yet morons will still blame him.

It's Bush's fault that we were blinded to the reality that Bush saved the world! The miserable dog.

C. P. Snow said it takes a strong character to forgive someone who does you a favor.

There are people who make a living by beating other people and dominating them. They are either dominatrices or Progressive politicians.

Meanwhile in the great state of Minnesota...

{karakter}

Nice work, Maksim

{/karakter}

(off)
Thank you,Maksim, for the artwork,
and thank you Mr. President for 7 years of unambiguous desire to keep America safe, and share the blessings of liberty with peoples too weakened and oppressed to achieve it themselves.

When I am feeling the heaviness of anxiety
over the socialist bent of Obama and his ilk,
I find that singing this song,
(well, a prayer, really) helps:

<i>We shall overcome,
we shall overcome,
we shall overcome someday.
Deep in my heart,
I do believe,
we shall overcome someday.</i>

(/off)

Commissar Theocritus wrote:


If we consider His O'liness's associates we can only assume that he's utterly unprincipled, or that he's stupid (which he is not) or that he is a lightweight, who, being an affirmative-action baby, never had to make difficult choices. People say that this job is too big for on-the-job training but every president got it. I still get the feeling that he is a puppet.

It reminds me of a quote from Hochhuth's "Der Stellvertreter," when a remark was made about the Vatican making a Pact with Hitler. The Pope said that Hitler was a tool they would let fall as soon as they can.

With Obama's pliability, I would not doubt at all if we find something very similar during the next four years.

DDR Kamerad -

What is the difference between Kamerad and Genosse? If you really are from DDR you should know.

Citizen's

Another peaceful transition of power! Don't worry, if were lucky, we will all see bush again on our anniversaries!


Publius

Terry_Jim wrote:(off)

When I am feeling the heaviness of anxiety
over the socialist bent of Obama and his ilk,
I find that singing this song,
(well, a prayer, really) helps:

<i>We shall overcome,
we shall overcome,
we shall overcome someday.
Deep in my heart,
I do believe,
we shall overcome someday.</i>

(/off)

I like this one:

And the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss<br>Same as the old boss

Oh, and I always new Hitler was A TOOL! LOL.

Obama is already being sneered at by the hard left in Congress. Obey calls him "the crown prince."

But I saw a video
<a href="https://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuse ... 8">MySpace Celebrity and Katalyst present The Presidential Pledge</a><br><object width="425px" height="360px"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="movie" value="https://mediaservices.myspace.com/servi ... eo"><embed src="https://mediaservices.myspace.com/servi ... 1,mt=video" width="425" height="360" allowFullScreen="true" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object>
which is saccharine, cloying and treacly. But notice that there is one black man who says, "I promise to be an American and not an African-American." Hope that's accurate; I'm at work and don't want Youtube noise.

If this is a trend, it will be the first time ever that the left has not used identity politics and grievance mongering as divide and conquer. This folks could be huge.

Out of Character:

Amen. For all his many faults, he's been a man of principle. In 100 years, when this generation of salivating, booger eating leftists have passed, he'll get the credit he deserves for his leadership in the GWOT.

Character Off:

In 2 years I think we will wish we had him back.

--

Character Off:

His O'liness was just sworn in about 1 minute ago. Today begins the New Dark Age of the Tyranny of Socialism for America. Welcome to the United Soviet States of a AmeriKa.

--

The speech.

"forebearers"????
Love the uplifting message:"Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet. "<br>in the words of scripture:"in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things."which? does he mean Cor 13:11 (When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.)
YAY:"Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America. "
DOUBLE YAY:"the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. "
TRIPLE YAY:"We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. "
ONE NATION ... "We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. " ... under GOG
Your tax dollars at work:"To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."
Faith in..."it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. " YOURSELF! Just like Disney has told us in numerous educational movies.
"...with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations. " Oh, I hope not.


<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/AMKCwABmGXQ&h ... ram><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

But there is one upside, perhaps <a href="https://www.jessicaswell.com/mt/archive ... s">here</a>.

Theocritis, my fine muse,


I just read your glowing diatribe at Jessica's Well. I do so agree with you that there is no longer an excuse for peoples of color to say that they cannot succeed.
Man Up should be the rallying cry for the oppressed poor black masses. Amen !

That flashing party hard thing hurts my eyes.

Where's my free healthcare dangit?!?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:But there is one upside, perhaps <a href="https://www.jessicaswell.com/mt/archive ... s">here</a>.

I don't think so. (That indeed was a great post on the well.)

But with Lowery's conclusion to his benediction,

Benediction at Obama 's inauguration, Rev. Joseph Lowery: 'Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen. Say Amen'...

It seems whites still aint got it right by Lowery's sight.

Premier Betty wrote:That flashing party hard thing hurts my eyes.

Where's my free healthcare dangit?!?

It's the third line to the left, over by that high voltage substation.

Until then Premier, squint harder!

If is squint any more my eyes will be closed!

Wait a minute... this isn't healthcare! It's a crematorium!

AAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Reiuxcat wrote:It seems whites still aint got it right by Lowery's sight.

And never will. He traffics in grievances. It didn't matter how much decent people repented of Jim Crow or the casual racism of 50 years ago; it doesn't matter how much I wince at some of the Old Time Radio on XM 164; still there was that cloud...

In a way I have it easier than most people. If I were accosted by, "You don't know what it's like to be black," I would riposte with, "You don't know what it's like to hear your mother say that AIDS is God's revenge on the queers." (That was a long time ago.)

In a world without ethics all decisions are made purely by tastes. It is the common taste, convenient to minorities and people who want to wear that mantle, and pleasing to hair-shirt leftists, that whites are automatically guilty regardless of how absurd the charge. And the lemma to this is that minorities are innocent because (1) we have to understand why they did it, or (2) they were forced to do it by societal pressures which they were victims of, which is really (1). So there needed to be one huge incontrovertible fact that some secret cabal of old white men is not ruling the world. And now we have it.

If people have the guts to do it, the Investiture of His O'liness can be the silver bullet to stop the accusations. This is a sound-bite age and not one of thinking, so we need phrases like, "You're the man now."

I truly hope that Obama does well; appointing old Clinton retreads is frightening but could be a hell of a lot worse; he promised ACORN that he'd let them in to set policy. Get out the scissors for the Constitution and drink up your savings. Might as well. But they're not there. I still think his O'liness is a lightweight--sonorous, attractive, trained in the resonances of the black church--but he'll get rolled--is being rolled--by the piranha Democrats in Congress, who are showing open contempt for him now. And what will happen when a "community organizer," who relies on being protected by laws as he breaks them (think on that one for a second), and whose other jobs have been chablis-and-brie meet and greets, gets in touch with a certifiable homicidal madman like the president of Iran? He said that losing 5 million Iranians would be worth it to get rid of Israel.

Do you really think that his O'liness can wrap his tender feelings around that? He's an utter creature of laws. I fear, and do NOT hope, that his administration will give away the store as the world perceives him to be clueless, as he shivers in the Oval Office finding out that the mellifluous cadences just don't work with butchers, bullies and thugs.

Hell, he'd understand more if his father hadn't been a Kenyan but a Rastafarian street thug. I'd have more confidence in him then.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:

Reiuxcat wrote:It seems whites still aint got it right by Lowery's sight.

Hell, he'd understand more if his father hadn't been a Kenyan but a Rastafarian street thug. I'd have more confidence in him then.

Amen to that. At least a Rastafarian thug would either A) be reformed and long for the good or B) have the cujones to gun down (figuratively) anyone who threatened the nation or the office (including the sharks in the Dem party).

As to the rightness of the whiteness; I learned long ago not to feel guilt for things I cannot change and not to be apologetic for deeds I have not done.

Red Square wrote:DDR Kamerad -

What is the difference between Kamerad and Genosse? If you really are from DDR you should know.

Oh yes!

A "guter Kamerad" will take a bullet for you.
<br>A Genosse (or Mitgenosse) might be the guy giving you the bullet (or irradiating you, as the case may be).



And, in reality, I'm an instructor of German (and, potentially, other languages) at a private school in Alaska. I can see Putin from my house!

I chuckled at the closing of the benediction, divide & conquer. The sheeple will be lead into the slavery of socialism chanting "four legs good, two legs bad".

Never mind our enemies, wait until Western leaders realize that the guy is an empty suit.

With the exception of Angela Merkel, all the Euroweenie leaders are empty suits.

Where is the Current Truth page depicting the gloriousness of our Obamasiah's Inaguration?! I'd make it myself, but I have to work am just waiting around for it to be made, and feel it should be up by now.

Sarkozy is an improvement over Chirac.

Cone





This is a great speech by W at Midland right now. We got to get it on the sight. I haven't felt prouder of a president right now.

Red Jim wrote:Sarkozy is an improvement over Chirac.

Hmmm, is that like a cloud of biting mosquito is an improvement over a bad poison oak rash?

Not trying to be provocative, just curious.

Sarko is an improvement but he's also got, like all French presidents, delusions of grandeur and, pardon, short-man syndrome.

I must confess, I never could boycott my french brandy. Napoleon all the way.
(French beer, no problem)

I can say the bottle has a Mexican tax stamp on it. The nice man who sold it too me says it came with some nice french technology. Good for me he doesn't drink.

But he limits most of his delusions (until recently) to the EU, which is fine by me. Chirac divided his time between befriending tyrants like Mugabe/Sadam and trying to actively counter U.S. foreign policy.

C. Hitchens was magnificently dismissive of Chirac, for just those same reasons, calling him "the rat that soared."

Red Jim wrote:But he limits most of his delusions (until recently) to the EU, which is fine by me. Chirac divided his time between befriending tyrants like Mugabe/Sadam and trying to actively counter U.S. foreign policy.

I think Chirac thought of himself as the 2nd coming of de Gaulle. Unfortunately, it was spilt on the floor.

Ol' de Gaulle, "Hey NATO, get the f*** out of my country. We will defeat the Russians on our own! Didn't you witness us do it to the hated Bosch twice in the past 60 years?" I suppose he figured, I got a couple of nukes, what can they do to me?

I dunno, he kinda looks like ol Walt. Separated at Birth?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:C. Hitchens was magnificently dismissive of Chirac, for just those same reasons, calling him "the rat that soared."

You make me laugh out loud Commissar. Please forgive my impertinence.


"The Mouse that Roared" is a fine piece of satire. The US could never buy true friends with foreign aid. Peter Sellers was a genius.

_______________________________________________________


General Snippet:Remember, men, no matter what they do, don't talk.
U.S. Policeman:What if they torture us?
General Snippet:Just don't talk!
U.S. Policeman:Can we scream a little?

__________________________________________________________________


<aGeneral Snippet:I warn you, madam - I know the entire Geneva Convention by heart!<br>Grand Duchess Gloriana:Oh, how nice! You must recite it for me some evening; I play the harpsichord.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:C. Hitchens was magnificently dismissive of Chirac, for just those same reasons, calling him "the rat that soared."

Fitting. Then you have Gerhard Schroeder who now works for comrade Putin at Gazprom. Still there, even as Putin "removes" obstacles, critics and reclaims "state" assets. So Sarkozy might have some flaws but he's head and shoulders above so called "pragmatic" leaders like Chirac/Schroeder.

But bear in mind that all French leaders are friends only when they need us, and stab us in the back when they don't. And on D-Day French farmers tried to block American access to the country.

However this does not apply to all of France; I'm told that Brittany is very grateful indeed to America. And when I was there the countryside was nice.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:With the exception of Angela Merkel, all the Euroweenie leaders are empty suits.

I don't know...Queen Margrethe of Denmark showed some testicular fortitude in '06 when she told the Islamists that, while they were welcome in her country, they had no right to dictate matters to it. Furthermore, if they wanted to live in Denmark, they would do well to integrate themselves into it, rather than insulate themselves from it.

Very ballsy coming from a Scandinavian country, since most of them tend to lean quite left.

EDIT: Did some more searching around for Margrethe, specifically looking for the article where I first saw her quoted on the matter. However, it seems she has been on the case of radical muslims for a good while, even before the infamous Danish cartoons.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Sarko is an improvement but he's also got, like all French presidents, delusions of grandeur and, pardon, short-man syndrome.

The Dissident Frogman says it all right here:



The post where that image was placed can be found here. Make sure to send the Frogman an email message to post something new! He hasn't updated in a good while, and reading about bear repellent got old many weeks ago.

I didn't know that about Queen Margrethe; thanks. Google "French Military Victories." You'll like it. It says it can't find anything and asks if you meant "French Military Defeats." Which if you say yes, gives you:

***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.

We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:

1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-

Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:

Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

Brilliance! I especially liked the War on Terror comment. Reminded me of something out of Frank J.'s "Nuke the Moon" masterpiece.

Reiuxcat wrote:Cone





This is a great speech by W at Midland right now. We got to get it on the sight. I haven't felt prouder of a president right now.

If anyone is interested.
http://www.foxnews.com/video/index.html ... d=playlist

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I didn't know that about Queen Margrethe; thanks. Google "French Military Victories." You'll like it. It says it can't find anything and asks if you meant "French Military Defeats." Which if you say yes, gives you:

***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.

We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:

1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-

Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:

Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

I think I can add two new rules to this whole list.

1. (France) Don't fight against the Germans.
2 (Germans) A war against France is a garunteed victory.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:a long and humorous documentation of successively being TOOLED.

I love that even ol' Bill Shakespeare (or someone who shared that name, Ben Johnson perhaps) recognized this strange historical malady:

SCENE VII. The French camp, near Agincourt:

Enter the Constable of France, the LORD RAMBURES, ORLEANS, DAUPHIN, with others

Constable Tut! I have the best armour of the world. Would it were day!

ORLEANS You have an excellent armour; but let my horse have his due.

Constable It is the best horse of Europe.

ORLEANS Will it never be morning?

DAUPHIN My lord of Orleans, and my lord high constable, you
talk of horse and armour?

ORLEANS You are as well provided of both as any prince in the world.

DAUPHIN What a long night is this! I will not change my
horse with any that treads but on four pasterns.
Ca, ha! he bounds from the earth, as if his
entrails were hairs; le cheval volant, the Pegasus,
chez les narines de feu! When I bestride him, I
soar, I am a hawk: he trots the air; the earth
sings when he touches it; the basest horn of his
hoof is more musical than the pipe of Hermes.

ORLEANS He's of the colour of the nutmeg.

DAUPHIN And of the heat of the ginger. It is a beast for
Perseus: he is pure air and fire; and the dull
elements of earth and water never appear in him, but
only in Patient stillness while his rider mounts
him: he is indeed a horse; and all other jades you
may call beasts.

Constable Indeed, my lord, it is a most absolute and excellent horse.

DAUPHIN It is the prince of palfreys; his neigh is like the
bidding of a monarch and his countenance enforces homage.

ORLEANS No more, cousin.

DAUPHIN Nay, the man hath no wit that cannot, from the
rising of the lark to the lodging of the lamb, vary
deserved praise on my palfrey: it is a theme as
fluent as the sea: turn the sands into eloquent
tongues, and my horse is argument for them all:
'tis a subject for a sovereign to reason on, and for
a sovereign's sovereign to ride on; and for the
world, familiar to us and unknown to lay apart
their particular functions and wonder at him. I
once writ a sonnet in his praise and began thus:
'Wonder of nature,'--

ORLEANS I have heard a sonnet begin so to one's mistress.

DAUPHIN Then did they imitate that which I composed to my
courser, for my horse is my mistress.

ORLEANS Your mistress bears well.

DAUPHIN Me well; which is the prescript praise and
perfection of a good and particular mistress.

Constable Nay, for methought yesterday your mistress shrewdly
shook your back.

DAUPHIN So perhaps did yours.

Constable Mine was not bridled.

DAUPHIN O then belike she was old and gentle; and you rode,
like a kern of Ireland, your French hose off, and in
your straight strossers.

Constable You have good judgment in horsemanship.

DAUPHIN Be warned by me, then: they that ride so and ride
not warily, fall into foul bogs. I had rather have
my horse to my mistress.

Constable I had as lief have my mistress a jade.

DAUPHIN I tell thee, constable, my mistress wears his own hair.

Constable I could make as true a boast as that, if I had a sow
to my mistress.

DAUPHIN 'Le chien est retourne a son propre vomissement, et
la truie lavee au bourbier;' thou makest use of any thing.

Constable Yet do I not use my horse for my mistress, or any
such proverb so little kin to the purpose.

RAMBURES My lord constable, the armour that I saw in your tent
to-night, are those stars or suns upon it?

Constable Stars, my lord.

DAUPHIN Some of them will fall to-morrow, I hope.

Constable And yet my sky shall not want.

DAUPHIN That may be, for you bear a many superfluously, and
'twere more honour some were away.

Constable Even as your horse bears your praises; who would
trot as well, were some of your brags dismounted.

DAUPHIN Would I were able to load him with his desert! Will
it never be day? I will trot to-morrow a mile, and
my way shall be paved with English faces.

Constable I will not say so, for fear I should be faced out of
my way: but I would it were morning; for I would
fain be about the ears of the English.

RAMBURES Who will go to hazard with me for twenty prisoners?

Constable You must first go yourself to hazard, ere you have them.

DAUPHIN 'Tis midnight; I'll go arm myself.

Exit

ORLEANS The Dauphin longs for morning.

RAMBURES He longs to eat the English.

Constable I think he will eat all he kills.

ORLEANS By the white hand of my lady, he's a gallant prince.

Constable Swear by her foot, that she may tread out the oath.

ORLEANS He is simply the most active gentleman of France.

Constable Doing is activity; and he will still be doing.

ORLEANS He never did harm, that I heard of.

Constable Nor will do none to-morrow: he will keep that good name still.

ORLEANS I know him to be valiant.

Constable I was told that by one that knows him better than
you.

ORLEANS What's he?

Constable Marry, he told me so himself; and he said he cared
not who knew it

ORLEANS He needs not; it is no hidden virtue in him.

Constable By my faith, sir, but it is; never any body saw it
but his lackey: 'tis a hooded valour; and when it
appears, it will bate.

ORLEANS Ill will never said well.

Constable I will cap that proverb with 'There is flattery in friendship.'

ORLEANS And I will take up that with 'Give the devil his due.'

Constable Well placed: there stands your friend for the
devil: have at the very eye of that proverb with 'A
pox of the devil.'

ORLEANS You are the better at proverbs, by how much 'A
fool's bolt is soon shot.'

Constable You have shot over.

ORLEANS 'Tis not the first time you were overshot.

(Next few scenes: they get their asses kicked by the English.)

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/CVJ-W6LioB8&h ... ram><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Ah, les froggies. I recall, with a tear in my socialist's eye, how they developed their <i>force de frappe</i>, or atom bomb, with a striking distance of <b>seventy miles</b>! Ah. To nuke Belgium as the Huns marched across it.

Personally while I was watching the Python sketch I kept zoning out thinking I was listening to Edith Piaf. But after a while I knew it wasn't Piaf because the paint on my walls didn't peel and the eggs in my fridge are not addled.

But I'll hand it to them. When I was in Paris in 1979 they'd just taken the male pissoirs off the street. The ones which showed the man's legs and head.

I am told that washing machines are better now--instead of hanging sheets outside the window to air them, and then throwing them away when they're black, they get washed.

Commissar_Elliott wrote: Give it time and Bush's legacy will come to light, and yet morons will still blame him.

Yeah....but still no check in my mailbox!
Where's my check?

Navigator, you may have to become a base-born socialist. That's a footpad.

We here in the inner circle know that there is no moral difference between a redistributive socialist and a mugger--except that mugging is over a hell of a lot faster. And the mugger only takes what you have on you right then.

Such a word for opprotunistic-wealthspreaders (muggers) should not be used Theo. Use, well, opprotunistic-wealthspreader!

Commissar Theocritus and Commissar_Elliott,
Please explain career opportunities in mugging.
Waiting for promises from Mr Faith Hope and Change to arrive at doorstep gives me calluses in places other than my hands.
Do I apply at congress or senate or can I simply start out on my own?
I'm ready to start.

Navigator, you start off as a simple street thug--a cutpurse or a footpad. Then you get involved in hip-hop. You become a performance artist, and a street artist--that means graffiti.

Then you complain about police harassment, and ride that into notoriety which is synonymous with fame--it's all part of the celebrity machine of the new millennium, when what you're famous for isn't as important as the fame itself.

Then it's a short step into community organizing. Then to elected office.

See where I'm going?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Navigator, you start off as a simple street thug--a cutpurse or a footpad. Then you get involved in hip-hop. You become a performance artist, and a street artist--that means graffiti.

Then you complain about police harassment, and ride that into notoriety which is synonymous with fame--it's all part of the celebrity machine of the new millennium, when what you're famous for isn't as important as the fame itself.

Then it's a short step into community organizing. Then to elected office.

See where I'm going?

Don't forget, this is also a sign the community is in poor shape due to a crapitalistic system the US of KKKA has. Otherwise, Commissar Theocritus has it right, course I never saw the Obamasiah rap, got any videos?

Commissar Theocritus,
Wow...I never expected it was so easy!
All this time I thought I was doing the right thing as a small business owner.
Now that my work has come to a complete standstill because of the "stimulus" program Capitalism Destruction Effort .... I'm seeing the shape of things to come:


I'm looking forward to my new career as a mugger!
Do any muggers listen to country music?