9/10/2005, 2:17 pm
"Southern Decadence" in New Orleans,Sept. 5, 2005
Sometimes our constituents do the darnedest things! We and our radical allies have stirred up a political "tempest" of Shakespearian proportions; it has the potential to topple the illegitimate Bush administration, and perhaps even lead to the demise of the exploitative capitalist system. Our momentum has been building and building - only now to be blunted by scenes of ebullient same-sex couples, dressed like ballerinas, leisurely promenading through the French Quarter.
We had hoodwinked the country into believing that all the white people, at least those in the upper income brackets, had fled New Orleans, heartlessly leaving behind hapless, poor blacks to die from drowning, hunger, thirst, disease, or bullets. But the pictures of the able-bodied white revelers that have surfaced in the media have poked holes in our narrative of insurmountable despair. A groundswell of outrage has begun to form regarding the impromptu parade.
Just think of everything our activists have done for gays and lesbians. We generously invited them into the progressive fold, championing their cause and promoting them as an oppressed minority entitled to preferential and deferential treatment. One would think that gay people would owe the movement an undying debt of gratitude and share our collective objectives. Just consider the myriad of lawsuits we've won on their behalf, in addition to all the TV sitcoms and movies we've produced for the purpose of making them more acceptable to mainstream America. And this unauthorized Bourbon Street prance-fest is the payback we get!
This individualistic free-lancing is quite disturbing, especially since the rules are clearly delineated in The People's Manual for Political Activism: "No events, be they rallies, marches, protests, demonstrations, vigils, or street theater performances, may be scheduled or staged without first receiving express permission from the Commissar for Events' Planning & Coordination." Furthermore, a single interest group must obtain special approval to hold a feature event, as the participation of other progressive organizations ensures greater numbers and maximum publicity. But we'll have to deal with the offending frolickers at a latter date, because damage control is of paramount importance right now, lest the entire progressive effort suffer a setback.
Option 2: Republican provocateurs (probably of the CFK group) disguised as John Kerry and John Edwards pretending to be gay in New Orleans
Option 1: Disclaim the actions of the revelers by insisting that a very small segment of the gay population periodically suffers from an irrepressible promiscuous impulse coupled with an obsession with their sexual identity and appearance. This condition, brought on by capitalist commercialism and Western cultural decadence, alters their behavior and worldview, causing them to act selfishly and irresponsibly, putting their own interests above those of The Greater Good. We will say that these people have seen the error of their ways and have voluntarily checked themselves in to a Karl Marx Treatment Center for re-education.
Option 2: Blame it on the vast rightwing conspiracy. The French Quarter revelers were neither gay, nor actual residents of New Orleans, but rather part of a covert Special Forces acting troupe used to discredit opposition movements. The military, under direct orders from the White House, paradropped the operatives in the French Quarter, under the cover of darkness, the night before the parade. We will also allege that an anonymous bureaucrat has leaked to us a document that contains instructions for the actors "to act gay as hell and make sure that reporters see you doing it." This should do the trick, comrades.
