7/26/2009, 9:58 pm
White House Press Secretary Robert Glib insists the President is healthy and blames his "somewhat altered demeanor" on the Republican steamrolling. "It makes the President flat angry and steaming for days; his head seems to be about to explode," says Glib.
Obama's original appearance (prior to inauguration)
Early signs of affliction were showing already during Obama's visit to Europe, when the presidential candidate's head suddenly expanded and sent him floating above ground, dragging along an EU healthcare professional who was checking on his unexpected condition.
Mr. Dijon-Mustard, a decorated veteran from Mass. and also a "big head syndrome" sufferer, claims that he has had egous expandalot since 1971, when his head began to nearly double in size if triggered by certain words and images, and that he is ready to report fo duty as "Big Head Czar" advising the President in the White House (as he said the words "White House," his head nearly doubled in size.)
But Obama's advisers explain the new look by the President's chosen role as a self-styled international doormat for foreign leaders to walk over him - a "welcome" departure from the previous president who intimidated the world community with break-in security signs and Texas-style treatment of intruders.Skeptics suggest that Obama's change may be a disease. "It's a fairly exotic affliction known as 'egous expandalot'," explains Dr. C. Lot-Sacrap, head of the Political Illness Center in Princeton, NJ. "The virus infects low-talent individuals, causing their cranial regions to swell and inducing a sense of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur."
Oddly enough, the infection seems to be confined to a few locales in the US, such as Washington DC and the 50 state capitals. However, there have been numerous large-scale pandemics over the years, such as in the former Soviet Union between 1917 and 1989. And Chicago has had a continuous problem with this disease ever since the city was founded.
But most well-informed patriotic Americans, which includes everyone who watches MSNBC, dismiss this as pure speculation. "There's nothing wrong with him, he probably just had a few too many plastic surgeries," posits M. Jackson, a dead Democrat voter from Los Angeles, Ca.
S. Penn, a gasbag enthusiast from Malibu, Ca. and Venezuela, believes Obama has intentionally allowed himself to be infected with a deadly illness in order to focus the country's attention on the need for healthcare reform. "He loves us so much," weeps Penn, "that he would give his life to ensure that every single American gets the government benefits that he, she, or it so desperately needs and is entitled to by government-given right. Obama is truly our savior."
Hopefully, the views of these ordinary salt-of-the-earth Americans will likely prevail and Obama's healthcare plan will be passed, which according to some estimates may or may not return his head back to normal. But the alternative is just too disastrous to contemplate.
As expected, the New York Times is on the case:
