The People's Cube - Political Satire

Lindsay Vonn's dual victories at Lake Louise over the weekend have drawn sharp criticism from ranking Democrats, followed by demands for an inquiry into the troubling incident.

President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder held a press conference announcing an investigation into Vonn's motives. "America has been arrogant in the past," stated the president. "We need to atone and ask for forgiveness. These victories in the women's downhill events send the wrong message to the world - that America is still arrogant and seeks to win. For this I intend to apologize directly to the IOC."

Eric Holder supported the president by saying, "I have discussed this thoroughly with my wife, and we are determined to get to the bottom of what motivates Vonn to win," said Holder. "For the sake of improving racial relations we must openly look into the possibility that her ethnic background might make her accumulation of trophies a hate crime - especially as African-American women are underrepresented in winter sports." Asked if Vonn would be read her rights and given the presumption of innocence, Holder responded, "Absolutely not. Her lack of membership in an organization that seeks to destroy this country precludes any such consideration."

"What particularly offends me is that Mrs. Vonn is young, talented, attractive, and has prizes handed to her simply because she keeps winning," said Sen. Barbara Boxer in her recent speech about healthcare. "And while this farce is allowed to continue, a senator like me must work hard for her title. It's revolting, immoral, and we need to do something about it."

The noted historian Harry Reid corroborated Mrs. Boxer's findings by pointing at the disturbing parallel of Vonn's prowess at skiing and slavery. "If you think you've seen determination to win in the past, you're right. Slave masters also wanted to win. Just like them, she wants to dominate others, only in sports," Reid said.

Leaders of the progressive community were quick to condemn Vonn's behavior on the slopes. Former Vice President Al Gore interrupted his vacation on a luxury yacht to release this statement: "Those who ski on snow while the world is melting, not only live in denial; they are committing a crime against science. Our children will watch her ski and think that everything's fine and there will be a winter next year. People like this stop at nothing, not even at using polar bear pelts for throw rugs when nobody's watching."

Representative Barney Frank, while on his way to insult his constituency at a town hall meeting, was adamant: "It's sick! What's worse, she's married to a man! What kind of message does this send our children?"

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed spoke from his jail cell and offered his insight as a respected scholar on Sharia Law. "In my country, women must ski in burkhas! Clearly she is an infidel and must be punished! What more is there to say?"

Former Olympian Lamar Ferguson, who won gold in the men's 3/4 acre lawn mowing event in Beijing, told ESPN that "Well, shoot, what's the point o' competin' if you don't go out there to win? Next thang y'know, they'll be givin' away Nobel prizes for doin' nothin'! That's just d-u-m stupid if you ask me."

Barring a jail term, Lindsay Vonn is expected to compete in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver.

The EPA must investigate her as she likely emits illegal levels of a dangerous pollutant (carbon dioxide) while skiing.

Funny you should mention the polar bears, Comrade Kommissar...

German TV just ran a story about the poor dying bears (likely to minimize the climategate troubles) though that story has been thoroughly debunked.

Damn it feels good to be a Prog!

-COV

OP, we have her on film EXhaling! Busted.

And CO V, have you seen...



It inspires me with new ideas for trap shooting.

Tonya Harding set the proper example for our proletariat class. Lack of skill and poor preparation is to be lauded and rewarded among the proletarians, and their resulting failures in sports (and in life generally) can be blamed on those who labor - those disgusting middle class individuals who use their minds and bodies creatively. The Inner Party Priests of Power can then step in and, using un-Constitutional Federal Government power, take down the winner and prop up the loser - we call it “Social Equality,” "Social Justice," “Athletic Equality,” and "Athletic Justice." In lieu of Federal action via our Department of Justice; proletarians will be allowed to take direct action in pursuit of "athletic justice;" they may hire thugs to bash athletic winners on their knees thereby achieving athletic equality - or preferably athletic superiority.

In the case of economic winners (creative entrepreneurs and laboring middle class); our Federal State will un-Declarationally tax the hell out of them and, after first feathering our own nests, un-Constitutionally redistribute the remaining property to the proletariat class in return for votes – all in our pursuit of “Social Justice” and "Economic Equality" - and pay no attention to the incomparably greater economic inequality of the Marxist ruling class. The proletarians will again be allowed to take direct action in pursuit of justice – they will be allowed to simply confiscate property on their own from these disgusting economic winners.

Never forget this maxim from our original Dear Leader, Karl Marx: Winners, except for those of us in the Inner Party, are guilty by definition; and this must include creative entrepreneurs and the laboring middle class in addition to those who win athletic events.

Let “Social Justice” roll down from the State and the Inner Party like a mighty river.

She must be stopped.

<img width="570" src="https://www.redbullreporter.com/wp-cont ... 76_prv.jpg">

All that unbridled beauty coupled with amazing talent makes the rest of us in the collective feel dumpy and small.

This Vonn girl must be reduced to a pile of quivering, miserable, self-conscious jelly.

Bah. I've always thought "victory" was a filthy four-letter-word.

...Primarily because I can't count.

Comrades,

This highlights an enormous problem with AmeriKKKan society. The competitive spirit.

And though His Excellency and Prez-4-Life B. Hussain Obama has begun the effort to <s>crush</s> "change" this abhorrent dimension of the AmeriKKKan psyche, there is much work still to be done to eliminate this "racist" bent to compete.

But let us NOT forget another racist characteristic of AmeriKKKa. The Creative spirit. YES! This drive to create has permitted AmeriKKKa to lead the world in innovation in numerous industries such as Information Technology, Medicine, Manufacturing, Genetics, Material Scieneces, etc. This must be stopped!!! Only the state should be allowed to determine what should be created and who should be allowed to do the creating. Thank Alinsky that Obama has the United Soviet States of AmeriKKKaa heading in the correct direction on this highly important regard!

Comrades lets not get to hasty there is no reason to get violent over this remeber two things.

1. The Soviet hockey team dominated the world for twenty odd years so if we could just get her to adopt a few sosialist slogans and think of how great of a usefull idiot she would make.

2. This is just micheal phelps all over again, let he have her moment to shine then in a year or two we can shame her for using drugs or getting pregnant and create another "see what sucess gets you in the end? Nothing!" film to educate children with.

Opiate of the People wrote:The EPA must investigate her as she likely emits illegal levels of a dangerous pollutant (carbon dioxide) while skiing.

I must concur with my comrade; for the sake of the Party and polar bears, should we not all hold our breath? The polar bears must be saved yet do they not respire the poison CO2 ? Should they be slaughtered mercilessly for polluting the beloved Party's air? How long should we hold our breath? Is 10 minutes tttttttttttttoooo long? Why am I turrring bluuu................

Another example of greedy Capitalist fixation on domination through excellance!
This must be stamped out by stronger indoctrination in socialist miseducation system!
It makes me so sick to see young people being taught they can succeed by hard work and individual effort.
So counter revolutionary!
I must clear my mind by have drink while cleaning beloved AK.
Rifle functions best when assembled by worthy Prog with vodka on breath!

I like Comrade Krinkov's plan!!!

Komrade Krinkov wrote:Another example of greedy Capitalist fixation on domination through excellance!
This must be stamped out by stronger indoctrination in socialist miseducation system!
It makes me so sick to see young people being taught they can succeed by hard work and individual effort.
So counter revolutionary!
I must clear my mind by have drink while cleaning beloved AK.
Rifle functions best when assembled by worthy Prog with vodka on breath!

Beware, komrade, that in your crusade you do not paint yourself into the corner of No Soviet Domination Through Excellence!

Be sure to exhale heavily on the dirtier parts of the rifle, like the gas piston, before cleaning for that extra shine.

Comrades,

I think it only right that I, with pure selfless intent, receive both her medal and her. Not only would this be an uplifting example of the truth of redistribution, it would open narrow American minds to alternative relationships like concubinage. While it takes a village to raise a child, it takes some taking to raise a village to raise the child.