2/13/2006, 4:34 pm
Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States.
The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power. As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive.
$.$. Halliburton: "Thus capitalism has converted a painful conflict into a productive symbiosis that made me even richer."
Laboratory studies have shown a significant increase in the production of the common good when People Power is coupled with crack cocaine and other energy-enhancement drugs.
People Power is not just renewable - it is a virtual eternal engine. The more capitalist prosperity it generates, the more anxiety and revolutionary vigor it produces in the haters of Western consumerism. The more energy they discharge to the power grid, the more capitalist prosperity they help create, and so on.
In another experiment, a test group of 20 Code Pink activists outside the New York Stock Exchange building had been unwittingly powering the work of all NYSE operations throughout the entire day.
The eternal engine of a self-loathing society, described in Karl Marx's dialectics as the unity of the opposites, was also known to the ancients as the "ouroboros" - a snake biting its own tail.
The extraction of this revolutionary vigor will not only make campuses independent from polluting power plants - it will also allow students to improve their grades and focus more on the scientific aspects of Marxist dialectical materialism.
The smallest unit of people's energy is called "Che." 1,000 Ches make one Mao. 1000 Maos make one Lenin.
Halliburton researchers are already working on the next generation of People Power technology that will extract raw people's energy into a device that looks like a tinfoil hat. Dubbed "Portable People Power Extractors," they will be capable of transmitting up to 60 Ches per minute to the nearest power grid for conversion into electricity.
Housed in a secret underground facility, the testing extraction laboratory is adorned with vintage Stalinist posters. Speakers are playing invigorating revolutionary music by Joan Baez, Pearl Jam, Rage Against The Machine, and the Soviet Red Army Choir. A dozen volunteer donors, wearing tinfoil hat transmitters, sit around reading "The New York Times," or browse Internet sites like DemocraticUnderground.com and MoveOn.org. The combined transmitted energy of 200 Maos is enough to power the nearby Wal-Mart store. No animal testing has ever been conducted here. According to scientists, animals do not get nearly as excited when they hear such phrases as "global warming," "American imperialism," or " Dennis Kucinich." But all donors agree that the extraction process eventually makes them feel better about themselves and the world at large.
Power to the people! Crack cocaine is optional.
MARXMOBILE with roof-mounted People Power demodulatorAl Gore before People Power and after
BEFORE
BEFORE
"Bush is a liar! When he says solar power, he means global warming! When he says wind power he means hurricanes! When he says water, atom, and ethanol, he means tsunami, Chernobyl, and alcohol! He betrayed this planet!"
AFTER
AFTER
"I guess this is what Lenin meant when he said, 'Communism equals People Power plus the electrification of the entire nation.' Welcome to the club, George W!"