6/20/2010, 1:13 am
Leaders of the international Rock'n'Roll community voiced their outrage today over the news that one of their own, who they always thought was a dependable degenerate extraordinaire, turned out to be a double agent, possibly working for the Reactionary Conservative Cabal Internationale.
Sir Elton John, who had been recently put on probation for singing at Rush Limbaugh's wedding, violated his parole and defied the progressive community by flying to Israel, where he played Thursday night to a crowd of 50,000 screaming occupiers of Palestine at a Tel Aviv stadium, thus breaking the international blockade aimed at sensory deprivation and cultural disorientation of the Zionist entity.
While the more disciplined rockers like Carlos Santana, Elvis Costello, and The Pixies obediently canceled their concerts for Jews in compliance with the above directive, the soon-to-be ex-star Elton John told the Zionist audience those cancellations "ain't gonna stop me from playing here, baby." According to one informant, "non-person John then put on sunglasses of the color of the Israeli flag, and aggravated his treasonous rhetoric by adding, 'We do not cherry-pick our consciences,' before hitting the opening chords of his 1972 hit 'Crocodile Rock.'"
Effective immediately, all Sir Elton's entitlements, privileges, and invitations are being revoked, according to a high-level source in the Rock'n'Roll Code of Compliance Enforcement Bureau. "It is a necessary disciplinary measure and a dire warning to potential violators of established protocols among the otherwise unanimous and compliant Rock'n'Roll community," the source said. All Elton John's regalia and his designated role of "flamboyant gay activist" are expected to be reassigned to a more deserving miscreant as soon as the Rock'n'Roll Community Board finds a replacement.
A group of British Rock'n'Roll scholars with ties to Hezbollah published an open letter urging the author of Philadelphia Freedom not to give the Jews the satisfaction of singing I'm Still Standing because "when you play on that stage in Tel Aviv, you negate all our costly and labor-intensive efforts to frame Israel as a racist apartheid state. Your performance jeopardizes our well-intentioned plans to dismantle Israel, send the Jews back to Poland and Germany, and return the occupied land to its rightful owners, whose creativity will quickly restore the landscape to the original pristine desert, as it always has been."
The academics, who call themselves Foreign Jews for Martyrs of Allah, reasonably pointed out the author of The Bitch Is Back was gay. "You came out when it was difficult; you admitted your addictions were stronger than you were; you've poured money into AIDS research. It baffles our minds that you would now deny another oppressed minority group, the Palestinians, the same right to live according to their own addictions, even if that results in the destruction of Israeli AIDS research facilities and the killing of all homosexuals. You disgust us."
Their progressive voices were joined by a vocal Hamas-backed group "Martyrs of Allah for the Advancement of Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'Roll," who initiated a petition to the Queen of England demanding that she strips "the bespectacled homosexual" of his honorary knighthood, lest she wishes to join the long line of beheaded British royals.
There have been rumors of rioting in some Rock'n'Roll communities, whose members felt deeply insulted by Elton John's mockery of their faith. Enraged community and religious leaders of the holy city of Woodstock described Sir Elton's apostasy as a "cold-blooded buzzkill" and voiced demands for a public stoning.
No matter their differences and addictions, most forward-thinking people of the world agree: the author of Hakuna Matata has taken the edge off their fluff.
A source close to MTV circles has confirmed that the author of Madman Across the Water has since been re-categorized as useless to the cause and expendable. Speaking on condition of anonymity, the source went on to express everyone's belief that the 63-year-old Elton John has forgotten who had made him and needs his place to be shown to him.
"From now on, no musical career is safe," the source warned. "We cannot afford ideologically unreliable rock stars. All star careers will now be subject to review by the Rock'n'roll Community Board and extensions granted upon presenting proof of compliance in the form of appropriate statements to the media, donations to approved causes, concerts to raise awareness of such causes, and song lyrics meant to undermine and demoralize the capitalist society and the Western civilization as a whole."
"This approach has successfully worked in Hollywood, giving us decades of uninterrupted ideological purity and a pantheon of goose-stepping film stars and directors. And while the musical industry is not far behind, we must remain vigilant and prevent renegades like John and Cooper from questioning our compliance with established rules for radicals, and from disrupting the unison harmony of approved thought."
